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Creative Non-Fiction


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Creative Non-Fiction

A TIME FOR WEAKNESS

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From the time they get the slap on their backside babies have known how to express their needs. New parents know that rest will not be forthcoming for them unless they meet those needs.

Children are unashamed and unabashed when it comes to being themselves. As toddlers they are curious and full of wonderment. They are also very self-aware. They know when to lay down and give relief to their tired limbs and when to keep going. They know no shame or guilt, they know no filters.

As they grow they start to realise that certain things are no nos. They see that some of their antics are being met with disapproval and that is when they start to hold back.

We are taught from an early age that we must not succumb to any emotion or action that might be perceived as weak.

We must not admit to tiredness or feeling sick or needing a shoulder to cry on. Men, especially, have been programmed or have had it instilled into them that they can be no tears for them (“big boys don’t cry”)

They must show control at all times – except perhaps when they knock their fingers while using a hammer. Perhaps then they are allowed a yowl of pain and an expletive or two.

If you are sick you must soldier on nevertheless because, well, to stop and take some rest would be a fault; a sign of not being able to cope.

You must not admit to being overwhelmed or panicked.

If you are a student – in spite of what our teachers would tell us to the contrary- you confess to not understanding concepts at your own risk. You must be well acquainted with all the formulas and all the names and all the dates. You do not want your school mates knowing that you are struggling even if they are struggling themselves. You do not want to be perceived as weak. You do not want the label “average “, “slow learner” to apply to you.

You must not let on, if you are a parent, that your kids are proving a handful and that you need help. You must do most everything yourself- from scratch if needs be- because well, how else will you measure up?

The standards we set and place for ourselves are ridiculous and inhumane.

Setting worthy and lofty goals is admirable but to pretend to have super human capabilities, to suppress our inherent needs, to be unforgiving of anything less than “perfection” that is the road to depression and anxiety.

To always wear a face of control and an attitude of “having it all together” is to set a precedent for our kids that they must- no matter what- always have their wits about them and their lives be picture perfect.

Why are we telling them this? Why are we growing a generation afraid to show vulnerability, terrified of being themselves?

Perhaps we feel if we ask for help, or show a less than put together ‘in -control- of my- life” person- we will fall in other people’s estimation of us or worse in our own estimation of ourselves.

Perhaps we feel if we admit to not knowing or of being unaware of something we will be judged for it or even taken advantage of because we are so clearly uninformed.

Perhaps we think if we show our true selves and not what the world will have us pretend to be then we will not have the connection we seem to so desperately need. Even at the expense of our own authenticity and uniqueness.

But we humans are ‘weak’. We fall sick, we forget, we lose things and we make mistakes. Owning up to being less than perfect, of needing others, of not having all the answers well, that adds to our beauty as people.

If authenticity, being true to yourself, feeling and showing emotion, needing others, admitting overwhelm , accepting your humanness is a sign of being less than, a sign of ‘being average’ then, my dear friends, I believe it is the time for weakness.

 

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SELF-LOVE, NARCISSISM AND THE LINE IN BETWEEN

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For quite some time, people were drowning in self-pity and throwing pity party for themselves due to low self-esteem. Social media became the voice of all the people trying to fit in, breaking and self-loathing. It became our dearest diary, so we spoke up. We talked of our deepest pain and how we wish we could be like so and so, look like so and so, dress like so and so, have partners like so and so…Slowly with time, the social media power gave people a chance to appreciate themselves, love how they are without having to necessarily to fit in. Different became the new trend. It was all good at first. Emotional support from people we barely know, a chance to know people who are like us…until finally, FINALLY, we learnt to embrace ourselves. It was great! Self-love rocks no doubt. But something else happened too. We now became overly-obsessed with ourselves. And as the saying goes, ‘Too much of anything is poisonous.’

We don’t want anyone correcting us, we don’t want anyone to put a mirror in front of us and show us the darkness eating our insides like worms. We became the untouchables. Me above Everyone else. Me as flawless as I am. Me being perfect. Look, look at the particles of empathy slip between our fingers. Look at kindness being the toilet rag. Look at appreciation breaking into a thousand glass pieces. Look at forgiveness flying with the wind. While we were showering ourselves with all this love we desperately needed, we over-stepped a bit. We became too blinded and eventually did not recognize the beast we have created within ourselves with Social media being our partner in crime.This beast is called Narcissism.

Narcissism: extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

Don’t get me wrong, self-love is so beautiful and uplifting for the soul but when we let it infest our brains like mites, we become arrogant. We become selfish (not in the good way). We look down upon others who are on a different journey from ours and disregard and call names to anyone trying to advise us. We idolize ourselves too much to the extent we disrespect other people.There’s a thin line between self-love and Narcissism, and majority of us have crossed it.

So we became these people who can’t be told anything, unapproachable and inhumane. We speak and treat people recklessly in the name of loving ourselves.

The thing with people is that they don’t forget. They don’t forget how good or bad or even how indifferent you were to them. And you might be so surprised how something small you did to a person years back may result to them helping you in a difficult situation or decide to do the total opposite.

{Worship God alone and do not associate with Him any partners. Be kind to your parents and near of kin, to orphans, the needy, the neighbor who is related to you and the neighbor who is a stranger, the friend by your side, the wayfarer, and those whom your right hands possess. God does not love those who are arrogant and boastful.} (Qur’an: 4: 36)

A simple example, I know of this lady during campus who was staying at the hostels and one time needed help fixing her room plug which wasn’t functioning. So she asked the campus guard for help and he did fix it. Some other girls were really surprised that he had actually helped because they had just a few days asked him for help and he didn’t offer any help. They asked the lady jokingly why he favoured her and she said, ‘I usually greet him every time I pass by the gate’ And that was just it. She greeted him and he appreciated it more than she personally imagined.

Have you for example ever seen the reaction of a non staff, like the school cook or guard or cleaner when you coincidentally bump into them after you are done with school and actually recognize who they are and greet them? They most probably would give you a glowing smile, not necessarily because of the greeting but mostly because you remembered who they are. They really appreciate you for it. And that’s how it always is with people. Your simple act of kindness and respect goes a long way.

Right now most of us thump our chests and say, ‘I don’t need anyone. Kwani who are they to me? Hawanilishi hawanivishi’ Well, it may be true they don’t feed or clothe you but that doesn’t make you any better than them or them any lesser than who you are. People keep pumping it to us that we shouldn’t listen to what others tell us. That this is your life, do as you wish. You are not accountable to anyone nor does anyone have the right to question your behaviour. But where do we draw the line between self-love, our self-efficacy, our independence and straight up disrespect and narcissism?

Self-efficacy is an individual’s belief in his or her innate ability to achieve goals. 

 “And do not walk upon the earth exultantly. Indeed, you will never tear the earth [apart], and you will never reach the mountains in height.” (Surah Israa: verse 37)

I agree that certainly there are circumstances whereby one needs to disregard what others say about you. Like when they make you feel inferior or paint you in an unrecognizable way. Like when people try to stop you from achieving your goals or being who you truly are. Nonetheless, bad behaviours shouldn’t be romanticized with, ‘This is who I am so like me as I am or leave’. Like really?!

I purposely highlighted bad habits because I don’t want the statement to be misunderstood. Yes, none of us is perfect. We all have personality flaws and bad behaviours. But the only time we are justified to ask people to accept us for who we are is when we are trying to be better and working on ourselves, NOT as we continue disrespecting other people or the bad habits we have.

Remember the advice of Luqman Al Hakim to his son:
[And Luqman said], “O my son, indeed if wrong should be the weight of a mustard seed and should be within a rock or [anywhere] in the heavens or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Indeed, Allah is Subtle and Acquainted.O my son, establish prayer, enjoin what is right, forbid what is wrong, and be patient over what befalls you. Indeed, [all] that is of the matters [requiring] determination.And do not turn your cheek [in contempt] toward people and do not walk through the earth exultantly. Indeed, Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful.And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys.” (Surah Luqman: 16-19)

Don’t allow this temporary world make you be egoistic, boastful, inconsiderate and impolite because truly, you never know who will benefit you eventually. So treat people as you would want to be treated.

Be kind. Respect others. Love yourself within limits and enough to accept your mistakes and work on being better. Treat others as you would want to be treated. Because yes, what goes around comes around. In Arabic we say, ‘Kama tadin tudan’ to mean ‘What you do unto others will eventually be done on you too!’

***
Abu Darda (RA) reported that Rasulullah (SAW) said, “Nothing is weightier on the Scale of Deeds than one’s good manners.”(Al-Bukhari)

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TWELVE KINDS OF WOMEN YOU MEET AT THE OFFICE

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If you want to study human behavior and connection, a work place is the best to do your ‘karesearch’. When it is about women, it even gets more interesting because hey! We are all different shades of the same species. Maybe that’s why you will never hear the men say, ‘all women are the same’. We range from the weird to the witty to the sly to the shy. The list is endless. Here are a few personalities you might meet at the office.

1. The loyal one: Ma’am has been working here for the past ten years and she doesn’t seem to be leaving any time soon. She knows everything about everything including where the boss’ extra pair of socks is kept and the days to keep off the washroom from its pungent smell. She knows all the dirty and success secrets that could earn her a high position in another competing company but she is loyal remember? She is married to the company and has been faithful through thick and thin as per the vows. She has seen employees come and leave as she graciously watches. She is the ‘last woman standing’.

2. The Queen Bee: The fashionista; the lady with three other pairs of shoes under her desk, each for a different occasion or purpose. The lady you keep asking, ‘hizi perfume zako tutazipata wapi? She has an attitude that matches her looks; fierce and bold. She knows her way around the office and work just as she does with her hair. Beauty with brains ay!

3. THEE introvert: She is quiet most of the times and you probably know nothing about her apart from her name and her post at the office. It isn’t until she has to sign a form that you rush to her desk to ask, ‘Haiya! Kwani you are married?!’ ‘Yes, I even have a two year old kid’ she responds. This could be someone you’ve worked with for more than six months yet you remain oblivious of who they really are. She is still a mystery.

4. The happy-go-lucky: She has this extra-ordinary charm and energy that amuses everyone. You just don’t understand where it all comes from. She is joyous, even on Monday morning; the long dreadful Monday, the miserable Monday. Yep! She will still have something to be all flowery about. She is the kind who shouts ‘hiiii’ to everyone and readily offers free hugs. You possibly would envy her free spirit.

5. Care-free one: She doesn’t really care how everyone thinks of her or even of her dress code. One day she is dashing and gorgeous and the next, she comes with her big unkempt hair like a crown on her head while wearing the same top she wore the previous day. Her schedule is unpredictable because she is in office for two days before disappearing for the rest of the week. No one really questions her because well, she delivers! Her work is on point and the management don’t want to lose her.

6. The story-teller: She’s the first one you’d notice upon entering the office. She is loud and never lacks a story to tell. It would either be a hot gossip story or what happened to her mother in law or just complaining about this or that. She gracefully works from one desk to another with her cup of tea and a snack, creating conversations with anyone who can spare her some minutes. The office is probably boring without her because the pin-drop silence is not your norm anymore.

7. The manipulative one: She knows your weak point and also for everyone else in the office. She is cunning and knows how to take advantage of others, sometimes while you remain unaware of her tricks. She can get you to do her work, to cover up for her mistakes or her absence or entirely throw the blame at you when she is obviously the one at wrong. She can play you at your own game and you won’t even know what hit you.

8. Mother Theresa 2: She is helpful, kind and very reliable. She keeps her word and keeps time. She is loving and lovable and that automatically makes her an easy target for manipulation. Her compassionate self is soon turned into a door mat as people take advantage of her humble self that is hesitant to ever say no.

9. The lazy one: Never keeps time. Never finishes the work. Never takes responsibility. Never keeps promises. Just never…The rest of you are still wondering how she is in the payroll to date.

10. Employee of the year: She is witty, smart and creative. The office regard her highly because her brain spills wisdom and spells intelligence. She is strategic and determined in her work. The management value her presence and thoughts because they definitely know she is the gem of the office.

11. The grumpy one: Always in a bad mood; sulky and snobby. Makes you wonder whether her hormones are super active. She is careless with words and any client would definitely appreciate not being served by her. She is just not approachable.

12. The newbie: She is young, fresh and green. Oblivious of the work environment, she is passionate and determined to impress everyone in the office. She bows down to the rest of employees and serves them tea if she has to. She has the energy and is not ready to let anyone kill her spirit. She has goals and will do anything to get to where she wants to. While the rest of you watch her and say, ‘atachoka tu’, the girl is keenly drawing her map to the top.

While the office might be an interesting place and a good second home for some, it also serves as a great learning hub. This includes interpersonal skills and how to deal with very diverse personalities that you may come across in your life. This is where you learn who to avoid, who is toxic to you and who to keep close like a gem. This is where you learn that people are never the same and for you to survive in your career, you need to establish who is who. That said, who are you from the above mentioned?

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THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY: SAIDA

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There is this murder case documentary that I came across around last year, which was named the most mysterious murder case in India: The double murder of Aarushi Talwar and Hemraj Banjade. So many documentaries have been made on the case and a movie was done too, that’s just how mysterious the murder case was. Just to give you context, here is a summary of the case.

A 13 year old girl called Aarushi Talwar was murdered in her room on May 2008; her throat slit and her head hit. The murder happened while her parents were in the next room sleeping. The initial suspect was a 45 year old Hemraj Banjade who was the live-in domestic worker and was missing when Aarushi was found. However, Hemraj was found murdered the next day at the terrace. The next main suspects became the parents because the crime scene was tampered with and there was no evidence. Since the parents were dentists and had medical experience, the investigators alleged that that gave them the know-how to distort evidence. Another group of investigators however, suspected that three other servants of the Talwar family had killed Aarushi after an attempted sexual assault, and Hemraj for being a witness. The CBI was accused of using dubious methods to extract a confession, and all the three men were released after it could not find any solid evidence against them. The parents became the circumstantial suspects and eventually convicted in 2013 and given life imprisonment. However, on 12 October 2017, the court acquitted them, calling the evidence against them unsatisfactory and severely criticising the police, CBI and the media for not having investigated the murder properly. The case remains unsolved…read the full story here… https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Noida_double_murder_case

This case had so many twists and turns, assumptions and made-up conclusions.The only thing we know to date is that we may never know if the teenage girl and house servant ever got justice or if it ever will. I kept reviewing the different videos documented on the case because that’s what mystery does. It pushes you to find answers.

Aarushi Talwar’s case aside, when Saida Abdulrahman went missing, I was worried. I bet we all were and that may probably be an understatement. So I won’t pretend to be the noble human being who didn’t react to the news that ‘her pregnancy was fake’. I was pissed! It was a big shock. I remember telling my mother about the mentioned twist of events on the news just when she was about to sleep. After informing her, she sat upright on the bed, speechless with all her sleep gone. Relatable? I bet it is. For so many of us. I had invested too much emotions on her kidnapping, I wanted to demand for answers as well. We deserve to know what exactly happened. We had become part of the family.

Why I started with Aarushi’s story you wonder? After listening to several documentaries about it, I sat for a moment and wondered, if her parents are indeed innocent, how difficult must it be to lose their only child in such a cruel way and end up being jailed for it? How devastating is that? We wouldn’t entirely rule out the parents as suspects. Maybe they did it but maybe they didn’t. What if they didn’t. How do they live after that? Their honour rubbed on the ground, their careers ruined, their life turned upside down and their child gone too…picture that for a moment. Devastating.

I am not taking sides here. I won’t say she played us or she really said the truth. We may never know if Saida is really innocent or not. Her actions may not be justifiable. Maybe not even forgivable. But what if…just what if, she is really saying the truth? What if injustice was really done to her? It is hard I know, the pieces don’t add up, a lot doesn’t make sense. But what if there is indeed a proper explanation to all that happened? Don’t ask me why they haven’t given that explanation then, because for all we know, they are also in a desperate need for an explanation themselves.

So here’s me trying to give her the benefit of doubt. Here’s me saying she is innocent till proven guilty. I guess my conscious would rather somehow try to be satisfied with her word rather than scorn her only to eventually know she was actually a victim as well.

Fun fact: Did you know that there is a mental disorder called “Pseudocyesis which can cause many of the signs and symptoms of pregnancy, and often resembles the condition in every way except for the presence of a fetus? The symptoms of pseudocyesis are similar to the symptoms of true pregnancy and are often hard to distinguish from such natural signs of pregnancy as morning sickness, tender breasts, and weight gain. Many health care professionals can be deceived by the symptoms associated with pseudocyesis. Abdominal distension is the most common physical symptom of pseudocyesis (63– 97% of women are found to experience this). The abdomen expands in the same manner as it does during pregnancy, so that the affected woman looks pregnant. This phenomenon is thought to be caused by buildup of gas, fat, feces, or urine. These symptoms often resolve under general anesthesia and the woman’s abdomen returns to its normal size.

Some of the other common signs and symptoms include: gastrointestinal symptoms, breast changes or secretions, labor pains, uterine enlargement, and softening of the cervix. One percent of women eventually experience false labor.

No single theory about the causes of pseudocyesis is universally accepted by mental health professionals. The first theory attributes the false pregnancy to emotional conflict. It is thought that an intense desire to become pregnant, or an intense fear of becoming pregnant, can create internal conflicts and changes in the endocrine system, which may explain some of the symptoms of pseudocyesis. The second theory concerns wish-fulfillment. It holds that if a women desires pregnancy badly enough she may interpret minor changes in her body as signs of pregnancy. The third leading theory is the depression theory, which maintains that chemical changes in the nervous system associated with some depressive disorders could trigger the symptoms of pseudocyesis….read more here: http://www.minddisorders.com/Ob-Ps/Pseudocyesis.html#ixzz5SJqFr6GG

Remember that it was mentioned that Saida underwent a miscarriage before. So what if that really affected her emotionally to the extent it caused the pseudocyesis disorder? What if those who kidnapped her with the hope of getting a child realized this after putting her under anesthesia which led to her stomach deflating and eventually being dropped where she was found? Good theory I know but a possibility too. It may have no basis nor am I trying to give any ideas for the sake of suspense but hey! just trying to give the benefit of doubt here. If we are making up stories against her, we might as well try to think of others that can support her claim.

In yet another article here: https://www.webmd.com/baby/false-pregnancy-pseudocyesis#1 I quote: When a woman feels an intense desire to get pregnant, which may be because of infertility, repeat miscarriages, impending menopause, or a desire to get married, her body may produce some pregnancy signs (such as a swollen belly, enlarged breasts, and even the sensation of fetal movement). The woman’s brain then misinterprets those signals as pregnancy, and triggers the release of hormones (such as estrogen and prolactin) that lead to actual pregnancy symptoms.

Some researchers have suggested that poverty, a lack of education, childhood sexual abuse, or relationship problems might play a role in triggering false pregnancy. Having a false pregnancy is not the same as claiming to be pregnant for a benefit (for example, to profit financially), or having delusions of pregnancy (such as in patients with schizophrenia).”

“Delusional disorder, previously called paranoid disorder, is a type of serious mental illness called a “psychosis” in which a person cannot tell what is real from what is imagined. The main feature of this disorder is the presence of delusions, unshakable beliefs in something untrue or not based on reality. People with delusional disorder generally experience non-bizarre delusions, which involve situations that could occur in real life, such as being followed, poisoned, deceived, conspired against, or loved from a distance. These delusions usually involve the misinterpretation of perceptions or experiences. In reality, however, the situations are either not true at all or highly exaggerated. If the delusions could not happen in reality (aliens, television broadcasting your thoughts) then a person might be considered delusional with bizarre-type delusions….Although delusions might be a symptom of more common disorders, such as schizophrenia, delusional disorder itself is rather rare.” Read more: https://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/guide/delusional-disorder#1

Note that Schizophrenia is a psychosis, a type of mental illness in which a person cannot tell what is real from what is imagined. At times, people with psychotic disorders lose touch with reality. The world may seem like a jumble of confusing thoughts, images, and sounds.

So what if Saida’s ordeal was actually a psychotic episode which eventually led to the fake pregnancy disorder?…God knows best.

I know of a lady who use to experience weird visions like hallucinations for two years with no medical or even religious explanations to what she was going through. Eventually she started having fits and convulsions which were a symptom of epilepsy. When taken to the specialists, all kind of tests were done yet all her scans and MRI were clear. The doctor even refused to treat her with epileptic medications despite all symptoms showing the same. To date, all the doctors she has seen have never known that it is epilepsy for sure but eventually put her on the medication. Not surprisingly, the epilepsy medication helped her despite no hard proof of the disease. That’s just how life is. Some things remain a mystery.

Now I am not a psychiatrist or even a psychologist yet to have a deeper understanding of the disorders I just mentioned. But all I’m saying is, there is a possibility that Saida is indeed a victim, or unaware just like the rest of us. There could be another side of the story that can’t be explainable at the moment or maybe even forever. But let’s take a pause and think about this girl and her family. What would they be going through if indeed they said what they know? If they are also as desperate for answers? What kind of pain would they be in while many of us are throwing insults at her and her entire family?

Please note that I am not saying that Saida wasn’t pregnant or that she is mentally ill. All I’m saying is, there are other possibilities.E.g witch craft, actual kidnapping etc.

Let’s just pause with all the assumptions (mine included). Let’s just pray that she gets well. If she master-planned this then let us leave God do what is His job. Yes we are bitter about our own involvement in the matter but lets just give the family the much needed peace now. They just had their daughter back, whatever the truth is, whether she is indeed wrong or not, I bet they need the space to process all that happened. Lets give them space. Lets give them the benefit of doubt. May the truth be out.

Did I just crack this case?!!

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JOB SEARCHING? READ THIS FIRST!

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In my years as administrator I have received my fair share of badly written and just as badly presented CVs, resumes and cover letters.

Candidates might have all the skills and talents required for a position but because they do not take measures to ensure their paperwork is in order or because they make little preparation for the interview, they lose out on the opportunity to land what could be their dream job.

Here are a few Dos and Don’ts to help you put your foot through the door as it were:

PRE-INTERVIEW

1.Research the company or establishment you are applying to. Even if you believe you know all there is to know about them make the extra effort of finding out more about their history, their achievements and their rating in the industry.

Look up their website or blog or their social media presence to update yourself with any latest information regarding them.

2.Make the effort of getting the spelling of their name right!

Do not write their name with an “I” if it is spelled with double ‘ee’. If it is Jameel Cosmetics then do not write “Jamil’ Cosmetics in your cover letter.

It shows, at the very least, a lack of respect for the establishment if you could not be bothered to get their name right!

3.Keep the cover letter short and concise. Prospective employers and/or human resource managers have no time to read three handwritten A4 pages! Make your handwriting is clear and legible and avoid cancelling out a word or writing over it.

If you are sending your testimonials via the internet then the cover letter should be in a serious, practical and professional font. A cover letter is not the place to use flowery or bleeding type.

4.DO NOT FORGET TO INCLUDE A PROPERLY LAID OUT RESUME OR CV with your testimonials If you have no clue how to design an eye catching curriculum vitae, ask for help from someone who does or you can search for ideas online.

It bears repeating that you should not send your testimonials, copies of your certificate of degrees or diplomas without an accompanying CV or a cover letter. Unless you include your birth certificate with the rest of your documents (do not do this, please, unless asked) no one will take time off their busy schedule to figure out from your certificates how old you are or that you went to the local university or that you worked at the rival company for many years.

When planned properly, CVs take the headache out of finding your personal details and professional experience so take extra care with it.Use decent writing paper for both your CV and cover letter. Do not, ever, under any circumstances, tear out a page from an exercise book for your cover letter. Invest in good quality materials and you will be glad that you did when you get the job.

5.Use decent writing paper for both your CV and cover letter. Do not, ever, under any circumstances, tear out a page from an exercise book for your cover letter. Invest in good quality materials and you will be glad that you did when you get the job.

6.Write the cover letter yourself. There is no harm in seeking help by searching online or consulting a friend. Just make sure it is a not a copy paste job. It is easy to tell when the letter is fresh and when it has been ‘borrowed’ if you cannot explain any of the points you included in it.

THE INTERVIEW:

1.Dress the part: if you have done your homework well then you are probably informed about the company dress code. Be decently dressed, smart and relevant. Do not show up to an interview looking like someone you would not want your little sister associating with. Many candidates cheat themselves out of lucrative jobs just by putting on inappropriate clothes.

2.Have all the required documents with you on the interview (even if you have submitted copies of them prior to it). It shows a sense of focus and precision on your part when certain papers are called for and you are able to produce them on demand.

3.Show up for the interview at least a quarter of an hour before the scheduled time. This will give you a few minutes to catch your breath and calm your nerves. It will also show your interviewers that you are an organised person who schedules her time well. Many a promising interviewee fails before she has even started by showing up late.

4.Smile! No matter how nervous you are, just smile! You do not have to show your teeth or give a big goofy grin. It will not seem ingratiating if you put your best foot forward by having a cheerful countenance.

5.Shake hands with a firm grip. Be aware of people’s religious affiliations and err on the side of discretion. Shake hands with only the members of your own gender if you are unsure how to handle greetings.

6.Do not sit until you are asked to and for Allah’s sake do not help yourself to anything on the interview table until you are asked to. Sometimes interviews have to be paused briefly (each establishment has its own protocol) but that is not a license for you to use your phone or poke around. One very promising interviewee lost the vote of one member of the interview panel when she picked up a random document from the table and proceeded to have a look at it during a pause in the interview.

7.Again no matter how nervous you are, inject some confidence into your voice, sit up straight and give clear audible answers. Mumbling does not help you get the job.

8.Show the company or institution what you can do for them, how you can add value to their product or service and not the other way round. Do not declare that you want to advance your skills without adding how those skills will be useful to them.

9.Once they have indicated that the interview is complete, thank them for their time. You may also take the opportunity to inquire when you should expect to hear about the outcome of your application.

AFTER THE INTERVIEW

Finally, once the interview is done let go and let the Almighty take over. If it is to be then He will make it happen. You can take comfort from the fact that you gave it your best.However, that does not mean there is nothing you can do in the meantime.

1. Usually, the interviewers will let you know when you can expect to hear from them even if you did not inquire about it. Again depending on the length of time they take to respond to their candidates (their website should be able to furnish you with the details) they will let you know accordingly.

2.However, if the duration given expires and you still have not heard from them you can send them a follow up email inquiring about their decision. This shows you are still interested in the position. The email itself should be polite and to the point. It is also a good decision to thank them for giving you the opportunity to interview with them.

If you did not inquire and they did not tell you when to expect a response from them and there is nothing on their website about it give it five working days and then email them or you can:

3.  Call. You can also follow up on the results of your interview by calling their offices after the appropriate length of time. State why you are calling and be gracious whatever the response is.

4. If you have been accepted (congratulations!) then the company/institution will instruct you on what to do next. The same care you have taken during the interview and application process should be put towards starting your new job and beyond.

5. If they felt you were not a good match for them some companies will let you know why they have rejected your application while others will just thank you for the interest you have shown in them without giving the reasons why.If you feel you need to know be prepared to hear what they have to tell you and do not take it personally. The worst thing you could do is insult them.6. If after sending an email or calling, you still do not receive any feedback from them after two working days close that chapter and apply elsewhere.

It is only a matter of time before you land the job of your dreams!

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FEMINISM AND FREEDOM

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A job. Bank accounts. Education. Independence. These are among the better privileges a modern woman has over any woman from the past. While we progress into a world of balance and where women can finally be equal to men the measures have tipped again and it seems women have taken more than they should; or have they? As protests of the boy child being neglected arise people have turned a total blind eye to the now over empowered girl child. While empowerment is always positive, too much power always gets to the head.
While feminism has gone a long way in empowering the woman but with every good is a piece of evil.

The biggest side effect of this long time movement is lost morality and while some girls are still struggling with FGM most of the teenagers these days are busy finding their way into mini-skirts, high heeled stilettos and clubbing. Nudity is becoming a new trend and almost every girl has mastered the slogan ‘my dress my choice.’ Freedom of choice has come a long way from being able to work in an office to being able to now being able to conduct as immoral as possible without facing consequences. Sex before marriages is nothing new to our people and has become as Unaccountable as walking in the streets. I wonder if we’ve lost sight of what we were. While feminists worked their way into giving a woman proper rights they didn’t realize they were also working towards lost propriety and increased immorality. Children as early as 12 years old can now get into relationships while our predecessors fought tooth and nail to have marriages pushed till when one was above age of consent, 18 years. And while now 18 is considered too young to marry teenage girls are constantly found with unwanted pregnancies and somehow forced into abortion or school dropout.

Have we exceeded our limits? Has the modern woman been given so much power on her life that she has totally lost control? While the main focus of the feminist movement was independence most modern women have not yet managed to totally become independent of men. Actually most are working their best into each man’s pocket so that someone could shoulder the responsibility for them. Some have been compared leeches for clinging to men just to drain them of their wealth. While we try to bring balance we’ve tipped the measures and instead brought corruption and immorality into our midst.

I do not oppose feminism nor freedom but it’s time we sought the correct path and changed mistakes. It’s not too late. As a society we can all work to guide the upcoming female child on conservation and propriety. Independence and immorality are different but there is a fine thin line between them and it’s us who choose whether that line is crossed. It’s time women called unto other women and reminded each other of how to up bring morally upright children who will know the line. It’s time we set limits before we totally lose it and become savages in human skin cause if we have lost our morality we’ve lost our essence as humans and have become no better than the animals we rear.

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FOOD OBSESSIONS

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I have a confession. A weird one. I am not a foodie. Every time I say this out loud someone exclaims ‘WHAT?! WHO doesn’t love food?!’ Wait a moment. I didn’t say I don’t love food, I’m just not a big fan. Food doesn’t excite me as much as it does to other people and even when I do get excited, it lasts only a few minutes. I could be extremely hungry and complain of my pangs, yet once the food is placed in front of me, I would be the first to leave the table. I feel like food is overrated. But that’s just my opinion right? It takes junk food or something really special for me to properly eat it. So yes, I’m a junkie and I’m sure many people my age are junkies too. Its just a thing nowadays. However, for someone who has had several health issues, I have grown to be conscious of my eating behaviours.

I came to realize that when you are this young you feel all the energy flow in you and you never imagine the worst getting to you. So you eat whatever looks appealing to your eyes. I do know too that we have the weight freaks who are so scared of gaining weight so they diet as they marvel at those who eat and eat whatever they want without gaining weight. Obesity is bad, we all know that but that aside, the food we consume does affect our health even when it isn’t visible on the weighing machine that you keep checking everyday.

In my opinion, social media plays a role in all this food obsession thing. It has been a trend for people to continuously post images of food and restaurants they visit every other day. Most of the times, food posted is junk and I think that many youth have started to believe that junk food potrays class or whatever else people convince themselves. So those watching are drawn to live similar lifestyles and tend to copy the same behaviour of ordering burgers and lots of fries and pizza or whatever else, just so they can have the ‘images for the gram’. I am not saying this applies to everyone but social media without a doubt pressurizes so many youth to adapt behaviours just to fit in.

I have two friends who almost always have sweets or a bar of chocolate or any snack in their bag. It has become a routine for them. Or others would always make a point to buy pizza or fries whenever they go out. So once I asked them, imagine how healthy you’d be if you walked around with an apple or any fruit instead?

The quote that says ‘you are what you eat’ is as true as it can ever be. Most of the time we overlook the long term effect of what goes into our bodies because we are blinded with our seemingly nice and youthful physiques.

If you look around now, almost all the people in their fifties nowadays have knee problems or having to literally drag their feet to walk or have diabetics or blood pressure or being over-weight. It is quite rare to find a fully healthy man or woman with that age. Yet, our grandmothers era would stay maybe until their 70s to start having health complications. I assume that our generation will have complications even at earlier ages of 30s or 40s.

I know I know, nowadays you get whatsapp clips talking how almost everrrything is bad for your health. Rice made of plastic, sugar having mercury, noodles being harmful, dairy milk bars having AIDS virus inserted, sausages made from goats and sheep who were just shoved into a machine before even being slaughtered lol. I mean, I get how annoying it is everytime you crave for something and someone reminds you of that clip that you watched on how a certain food is bad for consumption. But all that aside, we very well know of the ABCs of what is healthy and what is not. Don’t say ‘YOLO’ (You Only Live Once) because trust me, you wouldn’t want to shout YOLO once you are diagnosed with diabetics and your leg has to be amputated or when your child wants to play football with you and you can barely run five minutes without breathing heavily like a pregnant woman.

All I’m saying is, eat responsibly. Know how to balance your meals. You are allowed to have cheat days and treat yourself every once in a while. Your body is like a trust given to you by God so treasure it. Don’t put trash in it. Take care of it as you would care of a house that you are a guest in. Take a walk sometimes. Work out. Drink water oftenly. Sometimes when you are drawn to buy a junk, buy a fruit instead. Train yourself to be food conscious and eat while being fully aware of what you are taking in. You may not realize the benefits of doing this now, but someday definitely, the older you will appreciate this.

This is a reminder to myself first (of course) and to you my dear reader. May God help us in this mission of eating and being healthy. Ameen 😀

 

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THE SOURCE OF MY ADMIRATION

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All through our lives there are certain individuals that we look up to and aspire to be like. For some these people might be close family members, a beloved school teacher, or even the friend your brother brings home. For many, though, our role models, increasingly, are television and sports personalities or even film stars whose only claim for fame is that they are on the big screen.

Growing up I had my fair share of people I admired: from the aspiring lady architect who inspired me to bury my head in studies so that I could attend university; to a school mate who seemed to have it all together at such a young age and then there was Oprah. 

But as I studied my deen more there was my dearest Ustadha whose reading of the Qur’aan , impeccable command of the Arabic language and sweet disposition made me long to be like her.

Different outlook

Because we are human our needs and aspirations change as we grow older, as we pass through different stages of life, and as we discard old, outdated and sometimes incorrect beliefs.

From time to time I have found myself  pondering what it is I consistently admire in people that I would want as qualities for myself.

The answer came to me as I was looking through the guest list for an event I was attending. On the honour list there were people I would not necessarily admire because- like the film stars – they had nothing they were famous for except for being rich and famous. I wondered what it was that we were teaching our children- that someone was only guest of honor worthy if they worked at big money institutions or were related to society’s ‘big people’?

My Kind of People

I did not realize that the people I am about to mention were the source of my admiration until they became synonymous with the qualities I wanted to embody in my own life. I want to live life with enthusiasm and cheer no matter what destiny brings my way. I want to serve others and find contentment in doing that. I want to be fully, uniquely, unapologetically me. I want to be a symbol of thankfulness and gratitude and I want to create, grow, contribute and make use of my time so that when my time comes I will have no regrets.

In no particular order here are the people who consistently make me want to improve myself:

My neighborhood’s garbage collector: this man whistles and sings as he works. He pushes around his ‘mkokoteni’ full of waste and detritus with the same pride someone driving a Maserati would. He is polite and courteous to all and the neighborhood children love to imitate his call of ‘takataka’

The stench from the garbage does not faze him and from the enthusiasm he shows for his work it is obvious that he knows how important his job is. Unlike his counterparts who would charge you for the size of your trash, he takes the same paltry amount no matter the heaviness of your garbage.

Salame: a collective name I have given to all those ladies out there- and I am privileged to know quite a few- who go out to care and earn for their families inspite of terrible odds. They have health issues of different kinds, they have financial challenges, they are single mothers or they have deadbeat husbands and yet that does not change their personalities or temperaments. They smile widely, they are genuinely grateful for all they have which to some might not look like much. They push on even when they feel like giving up and calling it quits. They do not hand over their responsibilities to someone else even when they could use the rest.

To them I would like to say you inspire me.

I met a lady a decade ago who I will call the champion of the orphans. She works tirelessly to save, serve and educate the orphans of her community in beyond. She is almost destitute herself but her orphans come first. She has had to endure many an ordeal but she forges ahead by the grace of God. In my book she is guest of honor material.

Hababa: My maternal grandmother who passed on in 2016 at the age of 85. Hababa taught us the meaning of good old fashioned hard work and the beauty of the work of your own two hands. She taught us that waking up at 4am is not only possible but pleasurable. She taught us the beauty and integrity in hijab at a time when everyone was embracing ‘modernity’. She taught us generosity, the importance of taking pride in yourself and your home, the responsibility that comes with being someone’s neighbor and why you must always speak your truth. Hababa deserves a whole book in her name May Allah have mercy on her soul. Ameen.

Finally, I admire that one unique, special individual who always dances to the beat of her own tambourine. She who follows the dictates of her conscience no matter what those around her would urge her to do. She who is not swayed by the latest fashion, not awed by what’s trending and is not concerned what people will think of her as she goes about her life. She is the role model I point out to my children.

If we open our eyes and look around we will find heroes and superstars from everyday people that we would otherwise miss. People who make the world a better place by their good character, generous spirit and selfless actions even though they may go unnoticed and uncelebrated. It is them that we should model ourselves after.

 

 

 

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BETTING THEIR WAY DOWN TO POVERTY

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I’ve met gamblers before. I’ve sat with them, eaten with them, worked with them. They always amuse me. One because most of them are people of middle or low class so they know what being broke is. Two because of their strong faith in the whole thing. Faith could be a strong word in this case but I lack the precise words to describe what they do.

I’ve seen several of them skip lunch or gulp down water to quench themselves and hopefully stop their stomachs from rumbling. I have seen them deny themselves a proper meal and budget their lunch for anything less than fifty shillings so that they can bet. They would do it everyday, endlessly, with so much anticipation. They would become so engrossed with it that they wouldn’t hear what you are saying especially when someone is telling them how the betting is ruining them.

I would watch and just for a moment, a small tiny moment, envy their faith. How they would dedicate their entire lives to this one thing with the hope that just one day, one brilliant day, one perfect day, they would win more than they ever dream. They would sacrifice their meals and walk to save the fare and cut down any expense that could save them just one more coin for betting. I often picture it like a beggar going to this mansion to request for food. They would arrive at the gate and the dogs would bark so loud chasing them away. They would go back and this time the guard would ask them to leave. Yet, this persistent beggar would use all his means and ways to go back to the mansion and beg. Before they know it, the house owners are slamming doors at him but guess what, this poor man is very insistent on getting anything from this mansion even if it is the left-over food. All this time though, he forgets that he is using up all his energy and remaining coins to go beg instead of using what he has in a better investment. Well, the food beggar is still better than the gambler though. I always wondered how much better their lives would be if they that kind of faith in something else, maybe in their own potential, in God, or their own hard work.

One ex gambler told me his story of how he started betting since he was in form two. Being a football fanatic and wanting an easy way to earn money, he decided that betting would be the best way to channel his passion and focus to. There weren’t many betting sites then but his friend helped him register to one of the sites. Slowly he started betting every other weekend when they would sneak out from the dormitories to go watch football outside. When he got a hang of things, he graduated to betting every day on champions league in mid week and EPL on weekends.

At times he’d lose hope when he lost the bets but later the loses just pushed him further into making multiple bets in a day especially on weekends when many games were being played. He started using up almost all his pocket money on it and seeing that he was losing only by slim margins, he’s be under pressure to get back his money. At that time the bets were 100 Kshs each so he was losing quite an amount for a student, thus, he would put more bets the next day with the hope his money will be regained.

He went on that like that and when he was in form three, he would be too broke that he would call his dad every Monday to ask for money. His father was convinced that his son was smoking bhang, or why else would he need money all the time? Being a notorious boy himself, it was hard to believe otherwise. Spending all his money on this, his pocket money used to be over by the first week of school.

Soon enough he started sneaking with the phone to class so that he could bet during the day. This led him to being suspended from school several times for phone possession and finally in the third term of form three he was expelled.

Sometimes he would earn some money from the betting but he would still use the money on more betting and taking out his friends when they sneaked from school.

When he joined campus, he went on with the same habit and ended up using his fees for one entire year without the knowledge of his father who in his mind knows he has cleared his son’s fees. Campus gave him more freedom and of course more money. The second year he spent an entire semester’ fee on the betting. His idea was he’s invest on the betting and then earn enough for the fees and more for himself. Before he knew it, he had used up thirty thousand out of the forty seven he had for fees. He was now under more pressure to get back the money and he did not know any other way to earn money except by betting.

Soon he was losing friends because he was always on the betting sites, sometimes for a whole day. He wouldn’t want to spend time with people and conversations were bothering him because his mind was always absorbed with the betting. He was avoiding going home lest they ask him about campus and his studying. There was a time he spent his hostel rent on the betting and opted to be sleeping at the entertainment area in the campus. He missed exams due to unpaid fees. Prayers became non-existent to him. Every thing he ever wanted to buy, his mind would automatically go back to betting, like, ‘Let me bet then the profit is what i’ll use to buy the shirt’, ‘Let me bet then if I win I can buy the boots.’ He even sold his phone, bought a cheaper phone just so he could bet. That is how serious it was. Maybe faith isn’t the word after all; addiction it is.

After losing all the fees for the second year, he applied for an academic leave and went somewhere else to stay while his parents believed their son is in campus studying.

He was in his third year; his friends were ahead of him, he was sleeping on the benches and he was ashamed of himself he couldn’t face his dad. At this moment he was just alone.

It wasn’t until last year when campus was being closed and he had to leave the campus when it finally dawned on him. Staying away from home, he went to a friend’s place to stay in the mean while. His friend told him how broke and wasted he seemed and how he really looked like a bhang smoker. His friend would sometimes buy him food because he knew he has nothing. Time came his friend also got tired and started avoiding him. When he’d request for money he’d tell him to go and get it from his father. He didn’t want to go home yet because he was ashamed but his friend too was already bothered with his betting habit.

This got him to keenly look at himself; how rough he looked and he decided it is high time to stop the habit. He would stop for a while but when he’d get money he’d still go back to betting. It was a hard addiction to let go so he had to put more effort to not go down that lane again. He would avoid watching the games in public, he stopped putting money on Mpesa, and would avoid receiving money in big amounts at once.

Last December he lost twenty two thousand in less than a week and that became his last blow. He didn’t play again since then. Its been 8 clean months and that’s huge progress for him. Alhamdulilah.

I would say this is a brave man for coming out openly to share his story so the rest of us can learn from his. For being able to learn from his own mistakes and to let go of his strong addiction. He is among the lucky ones because as he says, many know how damaging it is yet still opt for it. Not everyone gets that chance to start all over again and make lemonade from the lemons they had.

High time we started having these conversations amongst ourselves and with our friends and younger brothers and sisters. May God guide and protect us all from being the enemies to our own souls. Ameen.

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BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE’S TALK

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THE MARRIAGE LEAGUE: Part I

`Marriage is the best foundation for personal intimacy, economic stability, and child rearing.’

`Regardless, the best time to work on your marriage is before you have one.’

`Our grandmother began a campaign of counsel and advice about men—how to catch them, how to keep them, and how she believed we should make them happy.’

`She asked me out of the blue if our family was rich. I told her that we weren’t really rich, but we had a lot more than most people.’

For the married students, they were in a different league. They seemed to possess a kind of wisdom which the rest of us had not acquired and which seemed to only come with marriage. Wisdom in its simplest definition was an accumulation of mistakes repeated over time and since part of their mistake-spectrum included those that were being experienced in the marriage institution it was understandable why this wisdom was not accessible to us.

If love was ideal then marriage was a reality. A Kenyan married a Kenyan though this was rare, I’m told due to our capitalistic heritage from the British colonial masters. But what was even more interesting was the clique who had married a partner from a different country; these automatically entered the International Marriage League. They were my favorite. It was the highest game in town. These were the citizens of the world. To go back with a wife in addition to the degree seemed a big plus for me. You had a Ugandan marrying a Kenyan in fact lots of Ugandans had taken our girls that in the beginning one chap would whine as we dismissed him. But when we saw the third Kenyan being taken I was tempted to think Ugandans had a conspiracy to pick all our beautiful girls. We needed to counterattack and the first years would be on the fore front to defend the nation ha! ha! ha! This is crap. It’s all about two people. What was planned in heaven come to pass and no man can put them asunder. A Tanzania married an Ethiopian and much more of that type.

I had attended some of the weddings. Several were in neighbourhood. What was beautiful about them was their simplicity. As men, we are not so much excited by weddings for the simple fact that we are the ones who foot the costs. So the simpler it is, the happier we are. Simplicity is a virtue. For the females because John Gray said Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, it is a totally different case. Venusians compared to Martians are very excited about weddings and the more expensive it is the happier they are. I thought if people were to do things in a simple prophetic way the world would be a better place. As the Venusians demanded expensive weddings and more bride price-more especially outside the campus in town-it came back to haunt them. Martians could not afford and so would postpone the issue to the detriment of the Venusians as more and more it seemed, were reaching menopause before being married. These were considered to be old maids. Even though some were alpha females with full-fledged carriers still deep inside them there were those little girls who wanted to be told how beautiful they were. Otherwise they were lonely and would remain so till old age. Then they would fill our heads with talk of death, superstition and the curses of menopause. Some would resort to living with cats. In the event of the cats dying we would be expected to offer our condolences for the loss of cats.

By the way being single too was economically expensive as in one of the relatives would just come in and stay as long as he want and then demand money before leaving. They would confidently do this since you did not have a family to take care of. We had the Martians who postponed marriage too as they thought they had to build an empire first but they got it wrong. Time would later not favor them. If one was to marry at forty and the next generation still marries at forty then somewhere along, one would have an octogenarian parent and toddlers to support. The initiator of that game would have less time to spend with grandchildren at eighty an age most of this generation would not reach since our age is between sixty and seventy. And what a sad sight, seeing octogenarians coming to the hospital to meet their granddaughter and wonder how long they might be there for her at least to participate in the joys of her upbringing. Maybe we should stop wasting time in the pursuit of things that may not matter on our death bed. Most rich men usually state on dying that they would have loved to spend more time with their families rather than create more wealth.

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