Husna Lali – Strokes of My Pen

Guest Posts

WOe MENt-al Health

By Husna Lali June 10, 2018

When you hear Netflix, the next word that comes to mind is Chill, yeah? Lol. Chill. Of the many shows on Netflix, the one I hate the most is 13 Reasons Why. Lubnah had to beg me, several times to watch it. Bruh, that show is suicidal af. That’s what I thought when I saw the promos all over Facebook/Instagram.

So one day I’m really bored and I watch the series, because Lubnah insisted on saving them on my laptop with words close to if not at all ‘you’ll watch it when you’re ready to or when you run out of stuff to watch and re-run’.

My thoughts are confirmed. That series was wild from the word go! And not wild in a good way. P.S I’m not making a review or rating it but I think if anything they gratified Suicide, instead of preventing it by causing awareness. I mean at the end of the day, the girl did slit her wrists and died in a bathtub or whatever. It is so dark in such a way that I fear some not so smart kid, will borrow a leaf from Hannah Baker’s book and you know record shit on CD or Flash Drive just so she could make everyone who hurt her pay. After their death.

I know, at this point you’re all thinking like “Why is she being insensitive to stuff she probably hasn’t gone through”. This is obviously the most polite way of telling me I’m a b#tch. I am not about to disregard Mental Disorders because I for one know that they’re as real as they can be. I might not have had an episode of a nervous breakdown but I know of people close to me who have. Or at least on several occasions spiraled out of ‘normality’ and go down the rabbit hole. That place is shitty as hell because it’s like fighting to live when you’re drowning, but then you wanna give up and go like mahn,let’s just get it over with.

Bulimia isn’t a cute brown haired girl with her friend pulling back her hair as she makes her way out of a classy hotel after glaming herself in the washroom. It’s a puffed face girl with vomit trickling down her cheeks. Anorexia isn’t someone shyly refusing to eat a cupcake. It’s constant avoiding food because paranoia. Don’t even get me started with Depression, that shit isn’t a TV show model with smudged mascara down her face, it’s staying awake at night staring at the ceiling and wishing you could for once close your eyes without tearing up and wish you’d be like everyone else. Anxiety and Panic attacks aren’t just hyperventilating and shortness of breath where some cute guy will surprise kiss you so you can get your breathing pattern together, it’s walking in late in a room full of people thinking they’re judging you or sitting in a room full of people and fight the urge to make your way to the toilet when you’re so pressed. Self harm is not a cute boy raining kisses or caressing your scars, it’s a constant fringing reminder that one day you gave up all your will to live and decided that that is perhaps the easiest way out, it’s wearing long sleeves because your hands sting when water runs on them. So stop romanticizing and covering up all the mental disorders with effects that teenagers would adapt and imitate.

You know like how HIV/AIDS revolves around some super powerful virus thwarting your white blood cells and making them so weak to an extent even the weaklings of all bacteria on the surrounding make your immune system useless, Mental Disorders is having super powerful invisible people each trying to dominate your mind all at once and your mind becomes so fringing clueless on which to follow it becomes confused by its own self. This is as close as I can come to defining what a mental disorder is.

Sometimes I think suicide is for cowards. Perhaps this is the half part of me that hasn’t had a mental crisis. The logical and there’s an answer to everything. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to undermine anyone who’s ever had suicidal thoughts…but come on man…you’re better than that. Life is too short to be living under constant pressure from your own self. But then, there’s the other compassionate and empathetic half of me that thinks like have I considered how many times this person tried to talk to anyone about it and they disregarded them. Because people, like 80% of all of us think its non existent and just say ‘you’ll get better’; and when they finally acknowledge its existence, they think its something that is curable, like take a pill and you know Pharmacokinetics will play its part and you’ll get well. It doesn’t happen that way. A person with anxiety needs constant reassurance that it is not going to end as horribly as their brain made it to be. Or that the weirdly giant web of entangled thoughts are just but thoughts that they have control over; because really, they don’t.

There was the old guy, the comedian who killed himself…Robbin Williams, I loved him as Genie in Aladdin and the Nanny in Mrs. Doubtfire. He killed himself but then his wife attributes his cause of suicide as a struggle with Lewy Body disease. This brings me back to my point, how people close to the affected ones shun their suffering because ‘Oi, its effects are not medically tangible you know’ I mean I could be having anger management issues and spontaneous anger outbursts that lead to displacement..like hitting stuff to breaking point. That people will acknowledge because its effect is seen. You damaged stuff, but for a depressed person, they’ll just consider you sad and so like yeah, just get up and go be happy because someone out there is not as ‘fortunate’ as you are.

The other day a 26 yr old French guy of Pakistani origin threw himself of the Tawwaf ring at Makkah is it. So many theories revolve around my head. You know like perhaps he had been battling depression, and no one notices this and he is left to literally withdraw himself from society, but then this is where perhaps religion comes in and so he goes like ‘Lemme go for Umrah, the peace and solitude will make me feel better’ but obviously that’s not it so he ends up throwing himself and him plummeting to his death.

But is suicide really the end game? I mean yes you’re dead…but when you die…it is not you who feels your death…it is the people close to you, your loved ones. Those are the people who feel the consequences in the world. That’s not the end of it though, is it? I mean yeah, so you killed yourself…you’d expect God and His angels to like welcome you with open arms? Like he had been fighting this for so long we were waiting for you to come home. That’s not it… Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… And do not kill yourselves (nor kill one another). Surely, Allaah is Most Merciful to you. And whoever commits that through aggression and injustice, We shall cast him into the Fire, and that is easy for Allah” [al-Nisa’ 4:29]

Abu Hurayrah (radi Allahu anhu) narrated that the Prophet (salallahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself will be in the Fire of Hell, throwing himself down therein forever and ever. Whoever takes poison and kills himself, his poison will be in his hand and he will be sipping it in the Fire of Hell forever and ever. Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron, that piece of iron will be in his hand and he will be stabbing himself in the stomach with it in the Fire of Hell, forever and ever.” [Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

It was narrated from Thaabit ibn al-Dahhaak (radi Allahu anhu) that the Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Whoever kills himself with something in this world will be punished with it on the Day of Resurrection.” [Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

And in the full narration of the Hadith in discussion (and with a different translation) it was narrated that Jundub ibn ‘Abd-Allah (radi Allahu anhu) said: The Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Among those who came before you there was a man who was wounded and he panicked, so he took a knife and cut his hand with it, and the blood did not stop flowing until he died. Allah said: ‘My slave hastened to bring about his demise; I have forbidden Paradise to him.” [Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

This might come out harsh you know…but then God doesn’t give you a burden you can’t bear, just do everything else but don’t you ever give up on God yo! I mean yeah it’s hard and all but it is said that no affliction shall befall a man, But from it is a sin is expiated. Why you insist on getting to Jahannam when Allah has willed for you paradise for your perseverance and endurance? But then again who knows perhaps the said person was a believer in Allah and His Messenger and a follower of Tawheed, not a mushrik, so that automatically makes him subjected to the will of Allah. If Allah wills He will forgive him, and if He wills He will punish him, but even if He punishes him He will eventually bring him forth from the Fire, because Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Verily, Allah forgives not that partners should be set up with Him (in worship), but He forgives except that (anything else) to whom He wills” [al-Nisa’ 4:48]

This clearly shows how much suicide is considered NOT THE WAY OUT.

Oh dear hurting, wavering soul, talk, talk and talk to anyone and everyone about it. Shout if you have to so that some years later, a boy/girl can proudly speak up because you projected their words. Talk so that not another single human would resolve to suicide by wondering at what point in time did they lose their voices. Talk because talking already makes it better. I mean you’re spewing your messed up thoughts to someone real not the virtual horcruxes in your mind trying to take over and that they’re going to be there for you and help you by constantly reassuring youre actually not insane.

And as for the ‘normals’, be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and a hand to lean on when things get rough for someone close to you. Stop being close minded about Mental Illness because it’s as real as Multiple Sclerosis and Lupus and Cancer.

Also, I know I might come off b#tchy and all, but yeah, I promise I’ll try to listen to you when you wanna b#tch about your ‘virtual dweller’. Also I’m a good secret keeper, James and Lily Potter would still be alive if they hadn’t chosen the rat coz he snitched…I might tell Lubnah though, coz she’s like 99% feely and I’m 99% assertive….but that’s about it. She might reach out and be there for you…because she’s a darling like that. Just Kidding, I kinda have myself vested in the Patient Doctor confidentiality so your troubles are safe with me.☺☺

Creative Non-Fiction

WHAT TO SEE WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME

By Husna Lali November 5, 2017

Photo Courtesy: https://pixabay.com

It is 3 days to Eid…My aunt says it is okay to go out to check out stuff in the shops at night. There’s music and loads of people outside. I mean that’s an understatement in Amu. We’ve made our rounds, have sat at the sea front and ate our ice-creams, and now are heading back home. We have passed the ‘main road’ and are walking towards the narrow path that’s going to lead us home and two guys are cat calling behind us. Actually, they have been ever since we met them out side a shop but we just ignored them. One was carrying these metallic curtain poles or whatever…and the other, holding the plastic material that was covering them. I assume they either fell off or seemed too slippery for the other guy to be carrying the poles. We’ve ignored them for a while and the guy carrying the plastics, walks too closely and rubs the plastics against each other making weird sounds at us. I stop, abruptly and turn towards him. ‘Didn’t expect that mufaka, did you?’ (No, I didn’t tell him this…it is what came to mind when I saw the horror on his face) He halts and is clearly stunned.
“Haya sasa niambie…kule likua siezi smama sabu kuna watu wengi. Wataka nini?” I tell him.
He is out of words. The expression on his face, I’d pay a thousand dimes to look at again. He is quiet. The other guy laughs at him. I stand my ground still staring at him and he says “Staki kitu”
” Basi acha kuita watu njiani kama paka wa babako,” and we continue walking and he stops his weird hauls.

That was bitchy? Or that was bravery?

Boys,-and yeah I’m saying boys because no grown, matured man in his right mind would do that kinda nonsense- what is it that you want from girls that whenever they pass around a group of you, you definitely have to talk weird shit about/to them? To whom exactly do you want to prove that you’re a guy and she a girl? With whom exactly are you trying to have a cheap and weird conversation? And most of all, why is it that as a girl I cannot be left alone to walk in silence or without my heart skipping a beat like ‘Oh boy here comes the catcalls’ as I play in mind what to or what not to reply back? I have replied on one occasion when some dude went on like ‘Salamu haitii mimba’ with ‘Hii yako yatia mimba ya upepo…takiani kuzaa mashuzi mimi’ while I walked away.

Onto another scenario. A girl is dressed nicely, or skimpily for that matter. Does that mean they are calling for you to attack them with weird comments about their body features? I mean where on the world’s record was it mentioned that whenever I dress, its a guy I wanna impress? That aside. So you meet a girl, all hijabed up and all, you make a pass at her. She ignores it, clearly indicating that she isn’t at all interested. What gives you the right to insult her? Or even worse insist. Listen boo-boo…I am not interested and there is nothing you can say that will change my mind. I will ignore you and when you can’t seem to shut up, I will slap you with a single comeback which will either make you feel as small as you literally are, or will make you Slap/Hit me. (That’s a case for another day). The same goes for online sexual bullying. The number of times girls have felt insecure and always always self-conscious about what to expect from dudes is alarming. What makes you think that just because I am replying or reacting to your comment mean I want anything personal to do with you? Why can it not be all joking and fun and you just had to bring feelings into this whole thing making it weird?!

This isn’t all. And this is so unfair. I read one time on tumblr, a post where a girl said her sister was doing some research, and she wanted to see if say we are walking towards each other (I mean girl and guy). Who is supposed to let who pass first. The girl concluded with ‘So far, she( the sister) has collided with 20 men.’ I tried to do this once on the road towards Sawa Centre. It is so crowded with people and tuktuks and you’re right…I did have to put up my hands in front so guys don’t bump on me. Don’t worry religious freaks, I know you’re all ready to hit me with ‘This is why Rasoul (S.A.W) forbade women from going to the markets.’ Which is all okay until you realize you don’t have a male in the house and have to go to the ‘market’ by yourself. My point is, why is it that just because I am the girl, I am always the one to be on the sideline? To always be on the look out. When Rasoul talked of hayaa and lowering of gaze, did he at any point restrict it to females only? IDK, educate me.

I have gone to class with boys, I have taken the same exam as them and I might say even topped the exams. I am in a faculty, one that has men in it. Lets say it’s Corporate Business or Media. Why is it that every other aspect of me is stepped on and looked down upon and only my feminine nature pops up and gets your attention? Why is it that I,- a hardworking and so very potential and awesome woman- will be subjected to sexual harassment or asked for sexual favors before I am promoted. Or why is it that I cannot be treated fairly to a male workmate, just because I am a female, and that the equal treatment is made to look to me as a favor someone is pulling for me…and yeah I have to return the favor, sexually? I think its what they call it ‘Sleeping your way to Success’.

Why is it that guys, who are well off in some way or another think they’re the real deal, and that just because of that, they have the audacity to make a woman feel less of a person? Why is it that we are all treating it as normal for a guy to demand or make passes at girls-yeah several-just because they’re male? Why is it that it is always my fault as a girl for being too free to be out there thus calling for weird attention? Why is it that it is the girl who should stop a weird pass made at her, otherwise it will send a message that she wants it and is totally okay with it. Like why is it that its okay for boys to do all that and they get away with the notion ‘Boys will always be Boys?’ and as a girl have to justify myself. Why is it that y’all people don’t address this and make it clear that females are humans and for once don’t look at what she’s wearing and instead look at what she’s bringing to the goddamn table because ‘damn! half her beauty is her brains’? And most of all, why is it that y’all think being made weird passes at or getting uncalled for sexual advances is the rent a girl has to pay to exist on earth as a female?

Jus’ Birkoff…No Seriously, Back Off.

Creative Non-Fiction

WHEN STYLE SPEAKS FOR YOU

By Husna Lali May 16, 2017

Husna Lali:

“There are two kinds of people in the world of fashion; those who dress to impress and those who dress up less. Then there is the third kind; the ones who dress to express. They regard fashion as art and their style is nothing compared to what you’d see around. They have an aura of confidence that radiates around them at a 360 degrees circumference. They give firm, hearty handshakes that gives the exact long-lasting first impression they want you to have of them. It’s not narcissism it’s vanity and that’s how self-esteem comes about.
As Marc Jacobs said, ‘clothes mean nothing until someone lives in them.’ You could have the most ravishing wardrobe yet how you take yourself makes all the difference.

That said, let us have a peep at how a Moi University student, Abdulrahim Mwalim, recently nominated in the Male Fashion Icon category at the Ultimate Varsity awards, dresses up to express.”

Abdulrahim Mwalim:

You know fashion…fashion is what you buy; what you decide to invest your money on but style is what you do with it. Now each one of us is unique in our own way; we have different backgrounds, different characters and different preferences too. And style is one of the ways to speak out what words can’t say at the first instance. When you meet someone for the first time and you are shaggily dressed, they form their impression on you right from across the street even before they take a seat next to you. So it does matter how you dress up, only, you should do it for the right reasons and ways.

Here are some things to consider when dressing up:

1. The Occasion: What you’ll wear to an evening event is definitely not what you’ll wear going to the beach. Every place has it’s own specific atmosphere and your clothing should blend with that. Check the weather, check the location, check the theme of the event, the invitees…If it is jogging, get into your running short kit and hit the road. In my opinion, casual yet classy outfits are best for events. I have always preferred simple but significant.

2. Quality over quantity: Several people believe having 10 normal shirts is better than having 3 expensive yet durable ones. The trick here is to choose quality over quantity. And by the way, there is quality in Kongowea and many other second hand stalls, plus they are pocket friendly. It doesn’t necessarily have to be something bought in a mall or boutique for it do the magic. Most of the Kenyan population is earning moderately, i’d advise them to go to the second hand markets…dressing good is not for the rich only. And once in a while, when you can afford it, you may treat yourself to something from the mall.

3. Colours: Now colours are quite sensitive. You need to know what colours suit your complexion. For example, if you have a dark complexion, you’d look good in bright clothings and if you have a light one, dark outfits can suit you well. The colours are many, learn to play around them.

4. Personality: As mentioned earlier, each one of us is different and we have our unique personalities that make us who we are. What you wear or how you dress up, inevitably tells something about you. Your choice of clothing, your shoes, your way of wearing it…all do matter when expressing via style. Low profile people would mostly go for casual clothing, less complicated and less colourful yet bold individuals prefer bold colours with accessories to cream it up.

5. Accessories: Accessories are supplementary yet necessary sometimes. A simple leather watch can go with any outfit, you need to keep time anyway. An official suit or classy casual outfit can go with a classy watch too for example rolex. Other accessories that can compliment your attire is socks, shades, shawls among many other.

To end this, I’d say; Style up, because your personality isn’t the first thing people see.”

To assist Abdulrahim to win in the MALE FASHION ICON CATEGORY in Ultimate Varsity Awards, vote for him in the link here: https://www.uva.co.ke. (kindly DON’T use opera mini for voting) Voting ends on the 21st of this month. Your vote counts!! Thanks in advance.

”I don’t do fashion. I am fashion.” — Coco Chanel

“Fashion says ‘me too’ style says ‘only me’” — Anonymous

“People will stare. Make it worth their while.” — Harry Winston

“Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.” — Rachel Zoe

“In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.” — Coco Chanel

“Make it simple, but significant.” — Don Draper

“Always dress like you are going to see your worst enemy.” — Kimora Lee Simmons

“You can have anything you want if you dress for it.” — Edith Head

“If loving fashion is a crime, we plead guilty.” — Unknown

“Fashion is about something that comes from within you” –Ralph Lauren

Please don’t forget to vote!! Abdulrahim at Male Fashion Icon: https://www.uva.co.ke!! You can also buy tickets for the event via the same link. The awards ceremony will be at the Moi University main campus on 25th of May from 7 p.m.

Creative Non-Fiction

CHANGE VS CONSISTENCY

By Husna Lali September 15, 2016

Photo Courtesy: http://www.houzz.com/

Is there a difference between Change and Consistency? Most of the times I like to remain indifferent about Change and Consistency….I mean some of you might as well say yeah there is…but I feel at times that the pros of consistency are the cons of change…and vice versa. Think of it this way a caterpillar turning into a butterfly…that’s change yeah? Is it good? Totally. Then there’s consistency…lionesses hunt….and it’s been that way since forever…is it bad? No it’s not. Supposing lionesses thought like humans and there’s feminism in Pride Land…Okay? No. I am sure you now know why I am not a fan of being in a debate about Change and Consistency.

So like in life, take metarmophosis for example. Is that developing or changing? I mean…you’re the same YOU…but in a different way….wait…isnt that what change it is? Confusing right?

The other day, I was catching up with friends and we had a conversation that was brought up with you know…ahh 5 years ni miaka mingi…unkua…you no longer have that kiddish face…unkaa mtu mzima (P.S she was probably referring to the fact that I had my mtandio intact ?…high school was ish ish…or maybe I am no longer the reckless girl who came in class with zero fucks given on how short my jilbab was or missing the scarf. Thank you Anisa for always having an extra one for me for Mondays and Thursdays ?) Anyways, we got into talking about life. How it was different from what we expected and what we did not and so automatically we ended up talking about marriage.

When do you know you’re ready to get married? How is marriage life different from not-commited life? From the stories and experiences we had…I can strongly conclude Marriage Life is another hell for people who grew up with strict and at the same time conservative parents and family.

I don’t know…it’s probably norms and cultures…like if you get married you’re expected to cook, give birth, raise kids, take care of your husband and suddenly it’s a routine. (Wenyewe wasema ni ulezi). Do not get me wrong. I am not saying any of that is bad….actually it’s very good. Almost as good as it being part and parcel of the marriage package deal. The question however remains to be; does it have to be the only stuff you do in your marriage? Like wake up in the morning get the kids and the Mr. ready for school and work or whatever. Go to work(or not). Come back home and cook for them, help them with homework or work related stuff (again or not). Eat. Sleep. Wake up the following morning and it’s literally your cycle of life. The best you get when you have a free time is watch you-tube videos on make-up tutorials or cook shows. Hah! My friend,she put it like whenever you’re free…you find fascination on curtains or furniture or this blouse I bought or usitumie mchele A for mkate wa sinia ukitumia B yawa laini zaidi). You should’ve heard say that btw. ???

In my perspective. I think alot of marriages do not work because wallahy I feel that that cycle is a wastage of the wife’s entire life. It’s probably 98% of the reasons why husbands go outside to look for other women…like say these free and hyper and crazed up girls because they’re full of life and energy and are not boring. (Consistency not good here yeah? I thought so too.)

I am absolutely 95% sure the make up or the blouses and deras and thobes we ladies get are not even for the Mr. If they’re not for weddings and functions( which 100% certain your husband isn’t attending) then it’s for show off to your girls and it’s for the typical swahili culture (ahh mashallah mume wake amtizama uzuri.) Wake up woman! You’re way more than just that. I mean dress up. No one is denying you that right…but why do you have to do it for people. It’s okay if you’re creative and into interior fashion and architectural designing…but those need not be your purpose in life. Contour and higlight your face and at the same time be a mechanical engineer. Cook like one would say it tastes like maiden and at the same time be that on call doctor who gets a midnight call to go do an emergency surgery. Seriously lady…you went to school. Before marriage you had visions and dreams. Just like they say you should not put marriage on hold because of education don’t you dare put an end to your education, dreams and visions just because of marriage life. Just like you’re the mother to the kids…he is the father. Just like you can cook so can he (or learn..ddduuhhh there’s Chef Ali Mandhry…he cooks and a half). Just like you can take the kids to school and help them with homework so can he. Am not saying go all feminist on him. Take atleast 65% of the works needed in refining your marriage life…but dude…while looking after the kids and the Mr.; use the remaining 35% to fucking look after yourself too. Update yourself because marriage was not meant to introduce you to a new version and set you to a default. You do not want to stay behind, because this world is dynamic and change is a must…or is it consistency (like before marriage you were someone with goals therefore keep goaling)?

P.S I am not promoting feminism. I am promoting consistency or change or whatever.

Creative Non-Fiction

DEAR MINI-HALFIES

By Husna Lali August 26, 2016

Dear mini-halfies,

Due to contigency purposes, I felt the need to address certain issues that are not too ephemeral to be discussed and analysed in accordance to the “parenting book.”

You need to know, if Twitter and Facebook still exists or maybe new social networks of your time have the ‘trend’ thingy, you will suffer the ordeal of trending #growingupwithstrictparents. See your aunts (your uncles’wives) say am the strict one. In my defence, I wanted your then little cousins to grow up true to themselves. This pretty much lets you know that if I was strict then, you guys stand absolutely no chance of having it easy.

Not to scare you guys or ‘hate’ on me for that matter, but to make you realize what you’re really made of.

I want you guys to grow up morally stable, have buckets full of self esteem and have complete faith on what you can be up against.I mean I would take kindness over smart any day any time, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be hard on you so you can be able to realize when someone needs you and when someone uses you to accrue their needs. I would love for you guys to grow up with your own definition of personality and not what society makes you, because trust me when I tell you from my experience that she is one hypocritical and double standard bitch. She’ll tell you to be yourself and then judge you for it. So I want you to do what your gut and what your Deen says is right. (Praying hard I do good by you when it comes to your Deen and its teachings)

I will base this entire letter to you for when you’re a teenager to young adult period because it is the hardest of all phases of growth and development. I remember this one time your aunts,uncles and I pissed off dad so much while we were under his care so he went “Amma give each one of you an equal share of the estate and what you do with it will be non of my concern and do not look for me when you’re sucked dry.” So you get how serious shit becomes when we’re there.

I wanna raise you guys equally, without favoring any of you according to gender. And am not talking feminism, am talking equal chances and belief that you can pull of whatever you’re supposed to. Of course I will always be there to help out.

I wanna be there for you, you know how people say they wanna be bestfriends with their kids? I wanna be that too, but that does not mean I will let you do stuff just because you’ll be mad at me. I wanna be that friend who’s older…I reckon you know how that works. I will not be upset that you find it easier to talk to your friend or even your dad (God bless that poor soul). I just want you to know that I will always be there for you…at all times.

Dear XY, you know how they say guys should man up…I don’t want you to hold back stuff just because you feel its a guy thing. There is no such thing as a guy thing when it comes to feelings, whether positive or negative. I want you to feel with every fibre of your being and act on them as wisely as it should be (Again, friendly reminder that I will always be there to help you sort out on your own terms with alittle help…two heads are better than one…or this case three…supposing your dad needs to be involved.)

I know we’d fight…and we’d fight alot because when you turn 13 or so and that voice of yours breaks and becomes the ugliest of all bass notes and your shoulders go all broad, you’d think for yourself that ‘you’re the man’. I want you to keep in mind that to me you’re still that little boy I spent nights nursing because dammit you lots’ immunity is as low whatever you can take for a simile…and if need be amma scruff you by your collar like a cat does it’s kitten and lead you back to your room so you figure your shit out and set it straight. You will not get an upper hand or the advantage over your sister(s) and that just because you’re male, you dominate the household or will have an excess of the freedom allowed. I will try my best to raise you and your sisters to be equally responsible to your actions.

I know I cannot talk much about you, because norms depict that you’re your dad’s responsibility. I, however would like to tell you that you can come to me when something is off and not working out. Like I said before about manning up. I don’t care what ‘the male code’ dictates…I want you to talk to me about how Math and Physics are not your favorite subjects and how painting or writing gives you the serenity your heart and soul needs. I want to be there for you when that girl you like friend zones you or she breaks your heart by cheating on you. (I pray I would’ve done good by you so you know your priorities…but this is an unavoidable phase you’ll pass anyway.) And when this phase reaches, I want you to tell your testosterone levels to take down a notch. I would not want to find out you played someone’s daughter and made her literally feel like someone is shovelling out her heart. I would want you to honour girls….because reflect on where you came from. I wanna instil in you the knowledge that a lady is far more superior to you in all aspects except perhaps BMR and body builds. I want to teach you to be humble and not be lied to by the fact that gender is basing you superior. I want to teach you nobility and load you with respect to anyone and everyone. I want you to be the son and the brother your sibling(s), your dad and I will be proud of. I want you to grow up being able to act wisely and use your brain and sometimes heart where need be. Trust me when I say you will clash alot with your dad, and probably feel misunderstood; and out of rage and spite you’d want to get back at him. My brothers used to keep their hair to weird levels or go shave weird and dad would be so mad he would tell mum “zungumza na mwanao, mwambie staki kumuona ndani ya nyumba yangu with that haircut.”(???) See that’s our predicament. Us women are that unlucky…when you guys turn out good…you’re your dad’s boys…and when it’s the other way around…it’s the mother’s boys and fault the boys turned that way. I want you to know how to work on the issues…I am 80% sure you’d not want to discuss stuff with me because “moooom it’s gross.” I just need you to know you can talk to me about it. I will try giving you a hint here…if you’re probably too embarrassed to ask…just ask anyway…instead use a third party or ask in hypothetical sense. Or find another way to ask me to talk to you about it. ( I know you’re a smart kid, and you will get the message delivered.) I do not want to overtake your dad’s responsibility or share on how to teach you stuff. I just want you to know that I will help you whenever there’s a fog of tension between you two. I promise to sit us both down and talk and smooth issues over. No judgements no blaming whatsoever. We would both accept and own up to our mistakes and apologize where necessary.

Dear XX, apparently norm and culture has it that you’re to be raised in an uptight lifestyle. I hope and pray that I would’ve done good by you on Deen too so you know when and when not to act impulsively. I will tell you one thing, Your grandfather, we grew up almost unable to differentiate whether it was respect or fear we had for him. Am not saying he was a bad person, he was sooo great I spent half the time wishing and praying I got a husband like him (No offence XY snr if you didn’t turn out like him…you’re probably greater than him.) My dad, he used to be strict and very opinionated sometimes, like he would say he’s letting you speak up your terms when you argue about something, but do what he feels like because it’s right. I know in his perspective it was, and so help us God it could be he was right and I was wrong, but I promise I would back you up on what we agree to agree on or agree to disagree on. Again about equal chances with your brother(s)….I will try hard to keep my word. I will not judge you by “your dressing is immoral because your bra strap is showing or your head scarf is off the scale and let his boxer be seen because he decided he’ll pull his trouser ‘a little down’ or put on a t-shirt sooo tight it makes his chest cavity suffocated….(none of you are doing this under my watch btw, or whatever would be trappily trendy in your generation) Or let him have a girlfriend and then be up my sleeve when you have a crush on this cute guy from school or Madrasa and want to pursue him. (Again I pray that I would’ve done good by you when it comes to Deen. May Allah make it easy for both of us)

Sometimes I feel bad for you because your grandmother and I were soo close. We would talk from boys to life, to how I felt that she was being mean or hard on me . (This does not mean there were times we did not have heated arguments that lead to me shutting the door and blast my phone high up on music.) You know how you have an argument and when it’s over you wish you should’ve said something ‘better’ as a comeback? She used to come back waaaaay after the “war” was over and start from A. Sometimes you just let her talk, vent out…so you just say ‘ma…sema audhubillah…or sometimes I would go with ‘oe cheki ma, me naenda zangu…ukijiskia ushacool call me’ and that automatically shut her up. When we didn’t get along (for one reason or another) I complained alot to my late aunty Zou (‘O Allaah, forgive and have mercy upon her, excuse her and pardon her, and make honorable her reception. Expand her entry, and cleanse her with water, snow, and ice, and purify her of sin as a white robe is purified of filth. Exchange her home for a better home, and her family for a better family, and her spouse for a better spouse. Admit her into the Garden, protect her from the punishment of the grave and the torment of the Fire.’ Ameen) and she used to tell me mzoee/muelewe mama…she’s getting old…and she used to tell me stories of how she felt way back on how mom treated her because she was basically raised by her; and she would tell me that it was for my own good because “look how great I turned into” Enough about the bad sides yeah? Because if I am to count, the best of my memories includ mom in them. And I love her alot for her existence. I pray I become a better mother to you.

I know there is going to be a time your friends will seem to understand you more than any one of us in the house. You will probably have fights with me. It could be something as trivial as not leaving the dirty clothes in the laundry basket, or as huge as you skipping classes because your favourite artist is in town. (I hope we never get there.) We could fight endlessly but at the end of the day I want to be the one you wanna talk it out with. There are probably times when you’re all grown up and start falling for guys. I will not judge you for it, because it’s a normal thing. I know you’d go lengths to pursue your feelings. Fine too but please be cautious. I know you’d deny it when I will confront you about it, for reasons you know best. (I know it could be because you’re afraid am gonna take away your electronics or stalk you or whatever method parents will be using then but i want you to know, I will be there for you. P.S I know I will totally disapprove you getting into a relationship, I don’t even need to sugar coat it but we will work it out together and resolve it to the best way possible) When it happens and doesn’t work out as planned, say this guy you sort of like did something to hurt you and you’re too proud to talk to me because you know I will obviously hit you with the mother of all I TOLD YOU SO’s…I want you to know that I will not let you cry yourself to sleep. I will let you cry, but I will also be there ready to take you out for ice-cream or whatever junk that will make you feel better.

I know you’ll have friends, and you will probably have get togethers or need to ‘chill’ and get those squad selfies because squad goals? Yeah… I want you to know that there are times I will tell you no, and I would expect you to accept and cooperate. Okay? If you ask me why I will not tell you it’s because you’ve gone out alot lately, but you will have to have earned the permission. Take it like positive and negative conditioning….where one gets rewarded for something or gets their rewards taken away for a wrong they did or a right they did not do. Again I know we will fight alot here but it is what it is. Hail Sigmund Freud! (Don’t worry, this will serve both you and XY)

Still on the fights between you and I, I want us both, after a time out and each of us has had their clarity and sanity back to face and own up to our mistakes. We would both or one of us say something hurtful to the other. I want us to work it out together. Please do not walk out on me when we’re in between an argument. Please lets consider and reverse the situations. I know I will give you the chance to speak out your mind and we can even point out each others mistakes (Tactics on the how to will come when the need be.) I want us to have a family where no ones opinion is undermined or stepped on or considered irrelevant. There are times I am probably going to be the hugest pain in the butt and even my breathing near you would be so annoying, I want you to know those are just hormones. You’d probably be wondering why I am stressing so much on fights…this is because I have had a share of living with my parents, and when I complained because I felt misunderstood Fatma( I hope and pray you get to meet her…amazing lady…God bless her) would tell me after giving birth to your own child, you get to see life in your mom’s eyes and you’d never wish to say or do anything to hurt her feelings. This sort of seeped through and I tried hard when we argued with mom to try to understand her…but sometimes shit happens and you just get out of control. I wanna let you know that you would not know this by then and God knows I did not know anything about mothering when I wrote you this letter, but I hope our fights will not escalate to points where you’d wanna leave and be somewhere without your family. Because I love you that much. Even if I did not say it when we were fighting. I would not want to make you cry or you me…because I am not sure if there’s ever coming back from that. I remember one day mum said/did something that I felt so hurt by it I ended up saying wallahy sikusamehi…I immediately regretted saying that because there was that pained look on her face. It was soooo down and deep it made me want to turn back time and take back my words but Alas! God knows she probably would’ve given anything for me to say I didn’t mean it and by God I did(mean it at that moment); but it was too little too late. So yes…I would like for us to measure our words and be cautious of what we throw at each other.

I wanna teach you both to live by your Deen and follow rasoul’s teachings. I don’t know alot of stuff but I know some stuff…and I would want you to learn from me and your dad. I wanna be the mother you mini-halfies would be proud to have. I wanna teach you so many things that if I were to count I would probably bore you to the core, but I want us to teach us all the things and everything we know. But most of all I wanna teach you to be your true self. This lady on Instagram (@nikitagill) I like once wrote about colors and she went ahead and wrote “This world isn’t made of shades of gray. It is made of colors like azure and coral and emerald and marigold, but it insists on painting everything in black and white and fitting it into boxes that it understands. Do not do that to yourself. Paint your personality a million different colors. Leave them scratching their heads, unsure of how to handle the magic that you are.” It is okay to be weird or odd or depressed or schizoic or introverted,to be happy, sensitive, meek and all other adjectives that are deemed unnormal by society because it means you’re human and a classic one because the rest are all basic. It means you can feel and that is all that is important and matters. I will tell you while growing up I was different. I still am but that did not make me live up to people’s expectations, because at the end of the day they will still judge you; and since that b#$ch judges your character and personality by your parents-and not considering in mind that you guys probably spend many hours away from us-I give you guys permission to be whatever you want. I want you to be shy but bold, to be quiet but at the same time speak up, to be feeble but by all means courageous all the way and to never let any muģgle put you dow; because darlings, you’re the incomprehendable galaxy in the universe that is my life. I wanna teach you guys all the rhymes, read books to you (doesn’t matter religious or otherwise)play board games or weird games I got on TV shows like ‘Pictionary’ or ‘I spy with my little eye’. I know there is a time you guys will grow up and everything we used to do together will feel childish, but I want you to remember that it is what brought us together in the first place. I do not want you kids to drift away from me your dad and among yourselves and seek solace in friends and get safe havens that do not include me and/or your dad and sibling(s). I mean I get why you would want friends…but I want you to know that I will always be there when you come back from that rough phase you had to encounter and I promise to work it out together. I love you. I have loved you even before I was sure I was gonna have you, but that’s not the point. I want this letter to be a reminder to me too. I want it to be a reminder of how I longed for you. I want it to be a reminder for me, for when I am about to give up on you guys.( I pray we don’t get there…Allahumma Ameen). I want it to be a reminder to you, that if we ever have a fight and you wanna give up on me…remember I thought of this way before I even met the guy you call dad and wrote you this way before I got married to the guy you call dad. I want you to know that I was once your age…and I probably went through this phase rougher than you because I perhaps never got to work things out with my parents. I want you to know that I was afraid for you. Still am. It is a maternal feeling and I sort of know this because God let me witness what parenting is all about with your cousins before I got to have you guys. I want to let you know that there is nothing I won’t do to see you happy (obviously you misbehaving while at it doesn’t count). And last but not least…and probably the most important of all things, I wanna leave you with this hadith

ﺃﻛﺜﺮ ﻣﺎ ﻳﺪﺧﻞ ﺍﻟﺠﻨﺔ ﺗﻘﻮﻯ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ ﻭﺣﺴﻦ ﺍﻟﺨﻠﻖ

I want you to live by this hadith…or at least try your very best to live up to this hadith…because Jannah is our final destination. May Allah re-unite us all in Jannah.

Lots of Love,

MOM

(Yeah I know at this age you’d probably be tired of all my “nagging and constant rants” you’d be calling me “birthgiver” well guess what….I am okay with whatever makes you feel great about yourself ?)

P.S I love you alot and may Allah be with you throughout???

Creative Non-Fiction

DEAR HUSBAND

By Husna Lali April 3, 2016

Photo Courtesy: www.ayeina.com

Dear Husband

Please notice that I refrained from using the term future because let’s face it, you were my husband ever since our fate was sealed by The Sealer of all Fates. Cool? Okay.

So lately there has been a brawl about future husbands and wives and space and marriage life; I tell you the cycle is vicious. I thought about it and decided, let me give him a heads up on the load of weird and a spicy amount of old-fashion he is about to spend his entire life with.

First things first, or last. Who cares? Spontaneous and flexibility is paramount…as one of my friends keeps it. I am not sure if this is true but my mother always has us like “the way to a man’s heart is his stomach.” Either Biology went wrong here or mother nature is a freak. Again, who cares? I am not as good a cook as your mother or mine is simply because my mother’s recipes do not have exact measurements of the ingredients. She puts everything together and it comes out a nice aromatic pile of edible stuff. Don’t get me wrong. I have done a fair amount of cooking (my ungrateful brothers once said my cabbage stew tasted like weeds). I usually like to think that they were being realest…you know criticising me on my face and praising me behind my back. Either way what I cook has never caused them any food poisoning. So yeeeey!! You know the statement “Cooking isn’t obligatory for the wife. It’s a favor”. I just want to let you know that I am so honored to do you that favor and I promise that in between our careers and job schedules we’ll have at least 2 home-made-by-me meals. I might need help sometimes, please make it easier for me and be considerate when need be.

Guys’ Time?? You have it. I have learnt from my brothers that watching football by yourself doesn’t give you the thrill. Yeah, go watch it with your buddies but I will totally need a payback (before or after…just to make me feel ‘not less important. Heads up…that large container of ice-cream or a weekend get away or even a little help with something in the house would soften me up 😉 ). Since we’re on this subject, please do not feel bad or abandoned when I say I am going to spend time with luby or the girls or even mum. I think that is a fair tat for the tit. In short do not make me feel guilty or have to choose between them and what you love to do with your buddies.

Emotions Sheet?? They say marriage is not a bed of roses. We’re probably going to have rough days and nights. Argue about stuff that may seem silly to either one of us. One or two things I would like from you.
1) we will not do it in front of the kids.
2) we will not take for granted the other’s side/perspective and or thoughts.
3) we will be clear and precise on what is needed to be discussed
4) we will not go to bed angry at the other. (Just in case it’s a huge mess up..dude, I am so taking the bed)
I am going to be honest with you here. I usually have my temper and emotions in check. Learnt it from my old man and brothers. I will be the water when you’re the fire but please do not make me so angry that I end up comparing you to them or wishing I still lived with them.

I am very choosy when it comes to talking about my feelings; especially when I am having a meltdown. I have been known to be bricky. I go silent or rather low-key for a while, it is not your fault, that is usually how I recharge my system. My best friend usually has a hard time getting me to talk about such stuff. My mother, my big brother and her, are among or rather the fewest who know what my mind thinks of or wanders to. Just in case I will lose any of them in the process, please be there to fill in their shoes, or most importantly, take over their place when I am living with you. I have, on several occasions been told that I am good listener and a mood lightner. So if you’re having a stressful day with your workmates, I promise I will be there to talk about it. Or if it’s stuff from work that had to be finished at home, I will help you with that, even if it just means sitting quietly across the table or floor as you work. All in all I wanna be that person whom you can’t wait to tell what happened when we were not together.

Family?? This is one thing I am most afraid of. You know how girls feel threatened by mothers and sisters in law? I have a history of really not caring what people say about me. My mother for example has tried to change me to wearing and acting like a girly girl because I am not like the others or that is not what is expected of me. I like to do things my way. My comfortable way. I am not going to disregard whatever they are going to advise me. But please let it be just that. Advice. Which I am entirely free to choose to follow or not. I am going to defend your honor in front of my family, please do so in yours. I know it might seem like I am asking you to pick my side, but it is not. I am simply asking you to put yourself in my shoes when it comes to such situations and act wisely. I will accept faults when due. I will not accept you siding with your mother or sisters just because “they know you better”. While I am not known to be violent, I am known to be cold and calculating when it comes to proving a point. P.S Your mother and sisters can come over anytime they want. They just shouldn’t interfere with how am raising you and the kids.

Social life?? I do not like people. That is one thing you should know. But when forced to interact, I charm people at it. I am not a fan of huge crowds, so on most occasions where I have the liberty to choose between going to events and staying at home. Home is the definite answer. I like staying at home and having an alone time, but I promise if it’s a work event, or your friend’s or work mate’s wedding, I will definitely be your plus one. I like to think myself as adventurous. Please have a hint of that. I am talking road trips (even if it means going to your mother’s place.), long lazy walks, sight seeing, trying out new risky stuff like bungee jumping (I will never do this…but I suppose I should trust you enough with my life to do this with you because am not even kidding you when I tell you I would NOT do it with my brothers. This is because I learnt my lesson when I let one of them put me in his bicycle’s ‘basket’ and we ended up rolling down some hilly/unleveled grounds.) Though me and Lubnah have stuff in our bucket list, if it’s not accomplished then or she gets a very strict husband who wouldn’t let her or do it with her, please make this bucket full by supporting me/us (you get the point here.)

And now to the most delicate most unappreciated and most sensitive subject. Co-wifing??
This is settled, though my sisters and married friends say it’s hard and that they cannot handle it. I would like to say otherwise. I don’t see it big of a deal that I have a lady whom I share a husband with. Let’s be realistic here and try not to use hearts to think. See, the ratio of men to women is a little unbalanced and kind of favors us more.Fortunately or unfortunately. So I think I would rather you married her so she gets a better life than either letting her suffer or you commit zinaa. I know it’s going to sound ridiculous to the girls, but yeah..that’s just it. Buuuuuut….just because I said this doesn’t mean you do it out of sheer spite or the fun of it. Do it if you feel you must and when you know you can be just with both of us. I mean I will obviously be jealous of her or you and her but I promise I will not be malicious. If I am going to be a co-wife I wanna be the kind where she is comfortable enough to leave her kids with me and know that they’re in good hands. Before we wrap it up, just in case it wasn’t clear, I wanna be the first wife, not for superiority reasons, but just in case she’s not as cool with it as I am. I do not want to be hated for ‘stealing someone’s spot in their husband’s life’.

I think we’re great for now. Just in case you need clarification or I was vague about it. I am not going to be a housewife. I did not just spend at least 22 years of my life getting up and going to school and trying my best just so you let me waste away. That is not fair. To me, my parents and siblings, who’ve always had my back when they weren’t holding my hand. I don’t wanna be that brick in your wall of life. I wanna be the cement that’s holding it together as you build our empire. Do not make me choose you over this. Because trust me, I will not hesitate choosing the latter and I will have nothing to lose in thee process.

On a completely different yet relatable subject. I love reading can we please have a space where I can consider it my personal library?? Also if J.K. Rowling or John Green releases new books. Please get me a copy? Yeah thank you. And I love you for this

Thank you in advance. Feel free to be awed, intrigued, threatened or all at once. See you in a while.

With love,
Your wife who has her priorities and visions set straight.