Author

Lubnah Abdulhalim


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Creative Non-Fiction

MENTAL ISSUES AND SILLY THINGS PEOPLE WILL SAY TO YOU

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As a child, my fellow schoolmates would call me a cry baby and my family would say i’m moody. I heard those two words so often I believed that something was so wrong about me and that I was just a burden most of the times. This made me pull myself away and stay in my shell for the longest time. I believed, staying away is the only way to save people from my troubled heart. By the time I was nine, I was already facing physical drainage and excess fatigue. Coming from school, which was just 5-7 minutes away, I would have to pause on the way, sit down and catch my breath. Many years later I would sit in front of different doctors as they place the results in front of me and say, ‘The results are clear; your heart is in good condition, you are not over weight, your blood pressure is fine too…Everything is fine. Could it be that something is bothering you?’

The problem was, everything was bothering me. Starting from the stray cat I saw this morning to the whatsapp video on something that happened in China. I was carrying the entire universe on my frail body; it was shattering. At that time, I was quite desperate to be diagnosed with some physical ailment so that I could prove to people that there was a genuine reason for how my body functioned and how I am.

Over the years, I struggled with fatigue, over-thinking, too much worry and over-whelming emotions that brought me down over and over again. I would break down often, get panic attacks that would crash my soul down…I was bullied and manipulated many times. I lost a lot of ‘friends’ along the way. ‘Friends’ who thought my anxiety was attention seeking and that I was simply a nagging individual. To make it worse, my two very different personalities never made it easy for anyone to understand me fully. I was misunderstood; greatly. I was the black sheep everywhere I went. It thus made me create huge walls so that people wouldn’t get too close or they’d sink in my misery as well. The only other option would be that they’d leave.

For the longest time, one small phrase kept me afloat. When I was around eleven years old, there was some sort of fight at home so I locked myself in the washroom and broke down. My mother noticed my absence and kept knocking on the door asking me to come out. She kept saying everything will be okay but everything was blurry for me. In the midst of her begging, I heard her say to my sisters, ‘Lubnah ana imani’ to mean I am empathetic. That was the first time someone ever said something positive about my tears. I decided to cling on that like a drowning man holding onto a straw.

The biggest favour I did to myself was accept myself for who I am and start my self-discovery journey. I went both for ruqya and therapy. I keenly studied myself; what triggers my anxiety, my worry, my fear and my mood swings. I decided to take up Islamic psychology not just to help myself but hopefully help the many others who are like me and can’t speak up. Trust me, writing this down is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When I started doing my writing training I purposely included therapeutic writing so that more people like me can have an idea on how to cope.

The hardest thing in all this was dealing with the words people threw at me. Sometimes they’d joke about my situation but they’d never know how badly it affected me. It killed my self esteem. As I kept on with my self discovery journey, I talked to a lot of other people with anxiety and who’ve experienced depression like I did. Here are some of the silly questions and comments anyone with mental illness will relate to.

1. That incident happened 3 years ago. You mean you aint over it?!
:

2. Just forget about it.
: Oh wow Lisa! Thank you so much for that. I don’t know why I never thought of it!

3. Cheer up already!

4. You wanted this for yourself.
: Watch me summon my demons 😀

5. You have weak faith in God.
: Please explain that to my 9 year old self.

6. Stop being a drama king/queen
:

7. Don’t you trust God’s plan?!

8. You just like being sad.

9. Maybe if you get married you will be fine.

10. Come on you need to grow up. Stop acting like a baby.

11. Some people are going through worse. People are hungry, malnourished, in war-torn areas, with all their family dead…how can you be stressed about something like that.

12. You are just being ridiculous with all that over-thinking.
: You think so?!

Okay, gifs aside 😀 ( Oh I really love the gifs 😀 )

I know there are a lot of people who are suffering silently, being judged and misunderstood. All i’ll say is this:

# It is psychologically proven that religious people have less mental distress. Our holy books do confirm that for the comfort of the heart you need to get attached to God. It is true too that people who are far from God are mostly miserable and dissatisfied with their lives. NONETHELESS, we have to also be aware that for some people, this is just their test. They may be making mistakes and sinning, but not entirely evil people such that you’d say God is punishing them. Mental illness is as real as biting into your own skin. We need to create awareness on this.

# If you have any mental issue, you are going to lose several people along the way. Perhaps even your family isn’t supportive or understanding. But do know that, eventually, the right people will come into your life and they will NEVER disregard your pain or call you names or joke about your suffering or compare you to the other relative who had a similar issue. They will accept you fully and walk beside you through self discovery, self control and healing. Keep having faith.

#It is so ridiculous when people think that marriage or love is what will cure your mental illness. The support you get in a good marriage may help you immensely in your recovery journey but that is never a guarantee is it? Build up your own emotional independence and walk through the storm on your own. The friends, family and others can walk beside you but never be entirely dependent on one or some people to heal you. What if they leave your life or pass away? Be your own anchor!

#Talk to your parents. Most of the times we just assume our parents won’t understand us and what troubles us. You could be surprised the amount of support they’d give you once you speak up. You will be so relieved. It could be one parent or both parents or maybe one of your siblings; just anyone you are comfortable talking to. Talking it out helps!

#It is true that whichever battle you are fighting, someone else is facing a waaay worse situation than you are. Yes, we should be grateful always, but we shouldn’t disregard our own battles and struggles either. You can’t tell someone with diabetics to not worry about their deteriorating health because a homeless child in Syria hasn’t eaten today, can you? Let’s face our troubles and work them out instead of burying them just because ‘someone out there has it worse’. Let us be realistic.

#Seek professional help. When it becomes unbearable, don’t feel ashamed or shy to seek professional help. Be brave and take care of your own self. Remember no one can take care of you better than yourself.

#Yes, pray more and be patient. Everyone is tested differently in this life and this is your battle to win. God only gives you what you can handle. Make sure to not fail this test.

#If you’re a parent, please be keen on your children’s life. Talk to them. Ask them often how they are doing. Encourage them to open up without judging them. Don’t allow your child seek comfort from somewhere else while you are around. Be their best friends.

#If you’re a friend/relative to someone with a mental issue; you have two choices. If you can, be very patient and supportive as they navigate through their journey of growth and healing. They need it so badly you have NO idea how much. That’s something they’ll forever be grateful for. If it is too draining and toxic for you, it is totally okay for you to excuse yourself kindly and take care of yourself. Sometimes we are so engrossed in the lives of the people we care about that we neglect ourselves. That shouldn’t be so. You can’t save them if they don’t want to be saved. You are only human and struggling as well. Make sure you know how to balance your own life before helping out someone else.

#If you’re in good mental state, take a minute to thank God for it. Mental illness of any kind isn’t something you’d wish for your enemy even. Don’t be quick to judge people who are withdrawn or cry a lot or seem moody…YOU JUST NEVER KNOW what storms and demons they are facing that you have absolutely no idea about. It is so easy to say I broke my leg I need a doctor than to say I haven’t slept or eaten or even woken up from my bed for the past 3 days. Do know that it takes a lot of courage for someone to open up about their mental state. Appreciate their honesty. Be kind, be patient and give people benefit of doubt. Don’t joke about someone’s misery; you really wouldn’t like to be in their shoes. We don’t need pity, we need understanding. Remember them in your prayers too. That will be really helpful, thank you.

#You being the victim of a mental illness; depression, anxiety, PTSD…whichever it is, it is very important that you start your self discovery journey. Seek help, pray a lot, research on your condition and mostly, take care of yourself. Most people won’t understand your struggle due to lack of information and ignorance, but that shouldn’t bring you down. Take your time in the growth process. It won’t be a one day or one week thing. Sometimes it takes months or even years. But definitely worth the trial.

I am still on my journey and I know it will probably be like this for my entire lifetime yet I believe this is my test and God gave me this kind of soul for a reason.
May God easen it for anyone struggling within their own souls and may you find the peace of mind and solace you seek. Ameen.

As we end this, we have two important events coming up:

One is the writing training next weekend (28th & 29th). The sessions include: Basic writing skills, introduction to blogging, therapeutic writing, writing about the Coast, Islamic writing (for the Muslims) among other writing exercises. To register/payment or inquiries contact: 0704 731 560.

P.S If you can’t attend you can sponsor someone else so they can benefit as well 🙂

Another is the event on mental health. Check the poster below:

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Inspiration

FROM WHERE YOU STAND

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You have grown up being told you need to be number one in class. You need to win that competition. You need to aim for world-wide accomplishments. Be a billionaire. Get a house or a palace. Get a car. Leave a legacy that will be remembered throughout the continent. Become  the next Nelson Mandela or Oprah Winfrey or Mother Theresa. You were shown that success means releasing a best-seller book into the market, owning an empire and being invited to important events to give a speech. It means people knowing you and asking for your autograph without you introducing yourself. People would ask for selfies and post them on their snapchat and Instagram on how excited they are to meet you. You were tuned into believing that you have to be the best at what you do  for you to be considered an achiever. Break the Guinness world record. Innovate something. Make the AIDS cure. They never spoke these words to you directly, at least not always, but somehow, the system, the media, the people’s small talk made you believe so. You believed them.

Today I want to tell you a different tale; a different narrative to the same story. It is good to have dreams, to have goals, to aim high. It is good to look up to something, to leave a legacy and have an impact on people. But it is also okay to have a simple yet extra ordinary life.

Dear, you are okay where you are. You are awesome for being the best son in the world. Your soul is terrifically beautiful for helping out your old neighbour every day. You are amazing for being your family’s bread winner. You deserve a gold medal for being a loyal friend. You are admired immensely for being a good husband/wife. You are loved for being the most wonderful mother. You will be remembered for your ever-smiling face. You are appreciated for being a hard-working employee. Your kindness can never be under-estimated. If you die today, someone or more people will miss you beyond measure. All that you do; all these things that seem small and obligatory for you are what actually matters. Keep dreaming, keep moving forward but if the doctor told you you have a few days to live, never under-estimate these tiny yet beautiful actions you’ve been doing all your life.

Who cares if you are not a social media influencer but you are the best gift your mother ever had? Who cares if less people know you in real life but your friends appreciate you a great deal? Who cares if your book isn’t being sold worldwide if it has completely changed one person’s life? Who cares if you haven’t broken the world record if the next-door cats treasure you for the food you feed them? Who cares if you don’t own an empire if you are the sole reason for someone’s happiness? Who cares if you under-performed at school if you are best artist around?

Go big, go far but never underrate yourself for where you stand at the moment. Cherish yourself, value your efforts. You are good enough just as you are.

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Creative Non-Fiction

WORDS LIKE VENOM

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Some months back I walked into a clinic together with my sister and her new born baby for his first vaccination. We were the third in the line and the nurse hadn’t arrived yet. We sat patiently waiting for her until she arrived more than half an hour later. She went into her small office and closed the door. We understood she had to clear up the place before she let us in so we continued waiting without a word. Soon enough, she called in the first mother and in no time it was our turn.

The nurse looked through my nephew’s booklet and then asked my sister how many kilos the baby is. My sister didn’t hear her clearly the first time so she moved closer to where the nurse was seated and requested her to repeat her question. Catching us completely off guard, the nurse shouted at her, ‘HOW MANY KILOS IS YOUR BABY?’
I could see the confusion on my sister’s face and I could literally imagine how her mind just went blank in that moment.
‘Isn’t it written in the booklet?’ my sister asked.
‘Had it been written would I have asked?’ she answered rather rudely, “what kind of a mother are you?!”
Right then my sister answered the number of kilos and my nephew was injected.

At this moment I was totally enraged. I was boiling inside and I struggled to stop myself from talking back to this so called nurse.

It was 8 A.M. IN THE MORNING!!! How can a person be so negative, so rude this early? I wanted to shout at her face, “Did someone force you to take up this job?!” I actually had a lot to say to this nurse and I probably still have a lot to say to her, because it being almost 6 months later, I am still bitter with her.

Now what this so called nurse didn’t know is that my sister was born with a partial deafness in one ear and thus couldn’t hear her clearly the first time. She also didn’t know that my sister is an epileptic patient with a partial memory loss and thus couldn’t remember how many kilos the baby is. This statement, ‘what kind of a mother are you?’still rings in my mind. Geez, I can’t imagine someone asking me that question. How much do you think these words affected my sister?

Leaving the clinic, I kept complaining all the way home. I was really really REALLY pissed off. All my sister said was, ‘Sometimes you just need to let the person speak and you just forget about it. I do know what kind of a mother I am and that’s what matters.’ But I was like, ‘NO! Some of these people need to be told off!’ I ranted and ranted and I rant to date about this incident. Honestly i’m not over it yet and mostly it is because I don’t really understand why people go into medical professions if they can’t be empathetic and compassionate. (If you are in any medical field, PLEASE DO SHARE THIS WITH YOUR MATES. The treatment most people get from you guys is so heart-breaking and INHUMAN!)

Fast forward to a few days ago, my sister travelled to Nairobi to get her university certificate and pharmaceutical license. Upon reaching one of the offices, a lady asked for her ID no. My sister sought to her wallet to check her ID no. This lady rolled her eyes and gasped, ‘Hmm, sasa mpaka ID hujui’ or something like that. Mind you, this lady said this statement loud enough such that all her colleagues heard her. My sister responded, ‘Pardon, but I am an epileptic patient with partial memory loss.’ Her voice was already breaking but she too said it loud enough such that the colleagues could hear it too. The lady suddenly shrank and started apologizing. But does that change the embarrassment my sister went through? NO. In her genius mind, she was probably thinking, ‘Now how is this lady a graduate in Pharmacy yet she can’t remember her ID, well hello genius, you don’t really know everyone’s story!

My sister had to re-do her pharmacy exams 3 times because of her partial memory loss before finally succeeding the forth time. If you ask me, I’ll tell you there’s no stronger woman than my sister because MANY would have given up had they gone through the same medical condition.

I have always wanted to talk about this issue because I feel we as human beings are so careless on how we speak and how we treat other people. Does it mean that we can only be kind with people only after they tell us their struggles? Does my sister have to wear a placard with an explanation of her condition so that you can adjust your mood and tone to not spit out words that could destroy someone’s soul?! Does it mean we can’t naturally be compassionate until someone speaks of the things they’d rather not talk about?! Do we have to explain ourselves everywhere we go to get humane treatment? And if someone lacks an explanation, does that make them any less deserving of kindness? What happened to giving people benefit of doubt?

This is not only about my sister. It is about all the people we’ve ever crashed because we never thought over our words, we never filtered them, we just spat out the venom because ‘Hello! It’s a free world. Freedom of speech, yey!’

Dear YOU, you are responsible for your words. Whether you say it in jokes, in straight forward mode or whichever way, if they crash a person then let that sink in your conscious. Keep a mental note that I once killed someone’s esteem. That I someday made someone lose hope in life. That I someday made someone feel useless. That I one day made someone give up what they are passionate about. That I one day made someone give up on their dreams. You might take it lightly in the moment, as you laugh about what you consider a joke, or when your very intelligent mind makes you mock others, do remember that for every ache that person faces because of you, your share of it will eventually get to you, sooner or later.

One thing, people in power, the leaders and influencers, the mentors and teachers should keep in mind is that your words are regarded highly. Most of the times people take your words to be the gospel truth. We crash children’s dreams by telling them they can’t do this; they can only do this other thing. We crash our friends and relatives when we make them feel like their dreams are not valid and impossible. We misguide people into believing they can’t grow into someone greater than they already are. We have people who look up to us and all we do is degrade their work, their efforts and talents as they lose all the morale and belief in themselves. We as a society are our own biggest enemies. We usually joke of how monkeys are our cousins. Perhaps we should start considering the snakes as our closest next of kin from the kind of venom we fill in others.

On my Facebook page ‘Strokes of my pen’ you will find the cover photo is a quote by Kahlil Gibran which says: “Words are timeless. You should utter them or write them with a knowledge of their timelessness.” Once you cause a damage in someone else’s spirit then it is done and sometimes irreparable.

*** Now that i’m done with my rant, we can do some meditation to calm down our nerves (for those who are pissed about this like I am 😀 )
Breathe in
Breathe out
Good.
My good people, please subscribe below if you haven’t?
Thank you 😉

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Creative Non-Fiction

CURRENT OBSESSION: MO SALAH!!

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(Insert a bass voice)

Hear me join the chant:

“Mo Sa la la la lah

Mo sa la la la lah

If he’s good enough for you

He’s good enough for me

If he scores another few

Then i’ll be Muslim too!!

He’s sitting in the mosque

That’s where I wanna be!

Mo sa la la la lah…”

It’s actually more fun hearing the fan chant. Check here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GsQ1XzTGFI 

So, Mo Salah you people!! I mean, where do I start?! I’m just totally amused, amazed, obsessed, inspired by this guy.

Wait a minute, could I be leaving behind someone in this ‘virtual conversation?’ For those who don’t know, Mohammed Salah is a 25 year old Egyptian football player currently playing for Liverpool and he’s swept the entire world with his character, his talent and passion. They call him ‘The Egyptian Messi’ as well as ‘The shining light of Arabic football’.

He is the first Egyptian player to score a PL hat-trick, first Liverpool player to score four goals in a single PL game since Suarez, He is the top goal scorer in Premier League and the top goal scorer in Europe. Not my words, but as stated from one of the tweets by the account: @blamefootball.

I am honestly learning a lot from Mo Salah, well not playing football (I’m yet to learn 😀 ) but from how his character and humbleness has touched the whole world. Before I even go into what I have picked from him, I want to share some of the best tweets talking about this phenomenal player.

“Mohamed Salah teaches us how to be a true hardworking successful professional while also being an extremely humble human being, what a man.” @lfc_family

“Mo Salah doing more to end the clash of civilisations than anyone in the world.” @karlreMarks

“Looool mo salah is doing more for tackling islamaphobia in Britain than Theresa May and all her cabinet.” @BigHComedy

“Not sure if my fandom of Mo Salah is going over the top but I keep kissing the floor every time I finish a job around the house.” @stehoare

“I present to you the eighth wonder of the world. Mohamed Salah *insert fire emojis* @kollinswitha_K

“Just realised Salah’s goal for Liverpool equated Lingard’s 14 career goals for United. He’s done it in 16 matches. Lingard’s on 100k while Salah is on 90k a week. Pass me some bleach.” @UtdOliver (This tweet was by a MAN-U fan and it got over 2400 retweets and 3300 likes. Even other football club fans can’t resist admiring him.)

“I’m not a Liverpool fan but you must believe football builds bridges with this red chant for Mo Salah.” @GreatObiesesan.

“Should they replace these pyramids by Mohamad Salah?” @touficzayni (If you get the joke 😀 )

In an image showing Messi holding a jersey with M. Salah’s name, @footyhumour says: “Messi naming his successor- Salah is the new GOAT’

“That’s the secret to his greatness right there. Humility. He won’t let it get to his head. Messi’s exactly the same.” @stevenelson45

And one of the most trending tweets was this one by @CarsonCoffield who tweeted: “HE GONNA TURN ME MUSLIM”  The tweet got so much attention; retweets and responses. One of the responses was by @ShahdHany who said: “If you wanna know why this tweet got this much of attention is bcuz Salah represents a role model to muslims all over the world.”

The tweets are so juicy I need to stop or I wouldn’t finish today 😀

The beauty of this all is how the Mo Salah chant above was received well in the entire world. You know normally we’d expect rude comments from some of the very negative people who would question the intention of the chant, like why do we necessarily have to celebrate Mo Salah in terms of his religion or just post ridiculous comments insulting the fans for what may seem to others as ‘naivety’. Yet I wouldn’t call it naivety, I call it purity. I mean, in this age and era, Islam has been portrayed in great extents as mostly a negative religion, violent and BAD. But here are the fans, from very diverse background, diverse religions, homes, race and all that, yet they decide to keep that all aside for the love of this man’s character and zeal. They want to identify themselves by what Mo Salah has shown matters a lot to him; his religion. I mean, I.AM.AWED!!

Here are some few things i’ve learnt from him:

  1. Be proud of who you are: Mo Salah is your typical Arab guy who speaks English with mother-tongue influence. He keeps his beard despite the negative notion of what the combination of ‘Being Muslim + Being Arab + Having a beard’ might spark especially in the Western world. He didn’t force himself to speak with a British accent or cut off his beard to fit in. In fact he openly portrays himself as Muslim inside the pitch by making dua and doing sujood (prostration) openly when he scores or wins a game. This guy is not just a Muslim. HE IS LIVING ISLAM. Are you still ashamed of being Muslim? This man is just an inspiration!
  2. Being humble: Mo Salah, who was previously a Chelsea player, at one of the games didn’t celebrate a goal he scored while playing against this former team. Some say this was in respect of his former team mates while others say, Salah’s lack of celebration could have been due to terror attack in Egypt where 305 people were killed on Friday after heavily-armed militants bombed a mosque and opened fire. Either way, we like him for that. He also once apologized to the Watford goalkeeper Orestis Karnezis after scoring four times at the 5-0 win at Anfield. You’d say its not even necessary! Its just a game but this man goes ahead and apologizes. Perhaps just to show his empathy and humbleness? Humanity at its finest! He also teaches us to remember where we came from and never forget people who once were in the same task force as us.
  3. Go after your dreams! In one of the interviews, Mo Salah is asked about his favourite subject at school and he answers something close to: Subject? It was always football. Parents, ARE YOU LISTENING?! Let your children go after their dreams. You reading this, go after your dreams however impossible they may seem at the moment. I am sure Mo Salah never quite imagined that they’d be a day he’d be compared to Messi, right?!
  4. Let your actions speak for you: Brand ambassadors, PR managers, marketing staff, borrow a leaf from Mo Salah! At no precise point are we shown Mo Salah  preaching or talking about Islam. It is all in how he naturally talks, interacts, behaves with the people around him. He is the brand ambassador of Islam right now. Not because of what he says, but by the positive energy he keeps sending to the people around him. Even his name reveals this already 😀 Mohamed- The name of one of the greatest influencers in the world history, the beloved prophet peace be upon him and Salah? The Arabic term for our prayers. He is representing our deen well. Maybe remember him in your duas that he keeps doing the great job?
  5. Do not give up! Mo Salah didn’t quite live to his expectations while playing for Chelsea. When he was asked whether he felt the pressure of making just 19 appearances for Chelsea he said, “I don’t think it’s like this.” Klopp, manager of Liverpool football club said on this: “Maybe it was one reason he came back, but he’s not like ‘Now I will show you the real Mo Salah.’ ‘He was a kid when he came to Chelsea, and we have heard a few times that’s quite difficult and in that time they were really successful. It was quite tough to come through…he’s a man now, he was a kid at Chelsea, now he’s a man. That’s good.” He wasn’t given enough time at Chelsea to showcase his talent and some even thought he was a premier league flop. We see the growth here. From what he was before, his struggles and him not reaching his full potential, yet still he went on to work towards his goals. Like literally 😀

Photo credit: theconversation.com

In one of the many articles about him, “Liverpool FC’s Mohamed Salah’s goal celebrations: a guide to British Muslimness” the writer says: “The double-edged sword of Salah’s sujood is that it is tied to his excellence on the field. If he stops scoring, he will stop performing sujood. As a result, the fans will love him-and Islam-a little less.” Which  is quite possible but then it reminds me of Usain Bolt when he became runner’s up on his very last race before his retirement. We were a little bit disappointed but it didn’t make us love him or his skills any less, did it? Let’s just hope Mo Salah keeps scoring though. Positive vibes aaalll the way!

P.S I don’t really watch football. I’m just good at what I do *sips tea* 😀 😉

Talking of what I am good at, I will be holding the second creative writing training during the Easter Weekend (Friday-30th March and Sunday 1st April). Two full days at a reasonable fee. If interested, do registered prior to via this no: 0704 731 560.

Venue: Abad Institute, Makadara Old Town

Time: 8 am – 4 pm

Sessions include: Basic writing skills
Introduction to blogging
Finding your voice
Islamic writing (For Muslims)
Therapeutic writing (Dealing with stress)
Writing about the Coast and other fun activities.

Kindly do share the information and don’t forget to subscribe to my blog if you haven’t! (At the bottom of this page on the right side of the screen is the subscribe button) Thank you 🙂

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Creative Fiction

HE IS LISTENING

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You are standing by the window, watching the raindrops hit your windowpane before touching the ground. The rain is rhythmic; you love its predictability, unlike your life. Your life needs a Sherlock Holmes to solve the unending mystery. Every other day, you seem to have a surprise stored for you. It makes you wonder whether you are a guinea pig of a social experiment. Perhaps some scientists just want to find out how much can a human being handle when in distress. You can almost hear their voices on the opposite side of the windowpane. They are using a lot of scientific jargon and psychological terms as they scrutinize you. You don’t really understand what they are saying but you know you are the subject of interest. Perhaps if this experiment and the theory works, you’ll become rich from what they’ll pay you. A happy guinea pig. You smile then sigh.

From afar, you hear your neighbour sobbing. There is a lot of commotion and shouting going on. Her husband is beating her up. Your heart aches a little more. Then you sigh again. Life is miserable, you think. They had been married for ten years; happy and blessed with six children. Then he re-married and boom! everything shattered. It wasn’t the re-marrying that brought the problems per se, it was the attitude towards his family. Life is scary like that. People change, love fades off, evil is real and the world is yet to end. Or you are the one who can’t wait for your own end.

Your father left your mother while you were two months old and she was critically ill. You are lucky to be here. There was a time you almost became homeless, you almost dropped out of school, you almost became malnourished, your mother almost died, YOU almost died; twice in fact. You look at the marks of the razor that went through your hand skin. You look at the scars skillfully and very carefully hidden under the famous Kenyan flag bracelet. You are lucky to be alive, with your mother and under a roof. You seem to have the nine lives of a cat or is it just life that loves you? Perhaps it is the scientists, pumping oxygen forcefully into you. They can’t lose their guinea pig.

‘I don’t want to be part of this social experiment anymore,’ you whisper to the virtual scientists. They look at you like you’re crazy. Like they want to shout on your face, ‘Do you know how much we’ve spent on you?! On this experiment?!’

You feel the burning sensation in your eyes. You force back the tears. ‘Wanaume hawalii’ (Men don’t cry) they say. You ask who? People. In the streets, the wazee in their barazas, youth on their Facebook posts. Real men don’t cry. You are tempted to ask how much tears can a man shed before he is regarded as ‘a useless man’ or even told, ‘You are no different from a woman’ Like a woman is a bad person. But you can’t ask because then, they’ll doubt your manhood.

You hear your mother groan in pain inside. It turns out she has leukemia. You’ve been jobless for the past five months. She’s been strong all along but strength at this point isn’t enough without the ridiculously expensive treatment she needs.

‘God? Can you hear me?’ You look up to the sky and gaze at it. Like you are waiting for a response from God. You and God, you have a strange relationship. Some nights, you stay up throughout, kneeling, begging, praying, crying in silence and talking to Him one on one. And sometimes, some days pass without saying a word to Him. Those days when you feel like He has abandoned you. When you feel like He doesn’t care about you. You get angry and ignore Him like a disappointed lover.

‘God, can you hear me?’ This time, you let the tears flow. It is night, no one will see your tears anyway. Your eyes have now become the Niagara falls. You had missed this. Talking to Him.

You remember this old man in your neighbourhood, he once told you, ‘Snap out of it; the self-pity. God is always there for everyone and anyone who calls out to Him.’ You slowly wipe the tears as you remember his most famous story that he narrates to you: ‘Job (Nabii Ayub A.S) didn’t die despite his severe illness. Abraham (Nabii Ibrahim) didn’t die despite being thrown into the fire.  Jonah (Nabii Yunus) didn’t die despite being swallowed by the whale. Joseph (Nabii Yusuf) didn’t die despite being thrown into the well. Jacob (Nabii Ya’qub) survived despite losing his son and his sight. And Ishmael (Nabii Ismael) survived despite the order that he is to be slaughtered. Whatever the test and turmoil you are in right now, God has a plan for you. Don’t give up on His mercy.’

You stare at the clear sky. It has stopped raining now and once again you call out, ‘God?’ Suddenly, you see a star, it twinkles. With tears in your eyes, you smile.

‘He is listening. God is listening!’

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Deen (Religion)

DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF JUST YET

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Sometimes we look at our heap of sins, at our bad habits, at our personality flaws and think to ourselves, ‘At this age and time how will I ever change?’ We feel like there is no hope for us especially after we tried to change but we kept sliding back to our same old destructive habits. Yet there is always hope. Always. Allah S.W says ‘Do not despair from the mercy of Allah’. All we have to do is keep striving to be better individuals, keep praying for ourselves and others and watch Allah take us out of the trash pit.

A beautiful story of sheikh Malik ibn Dinar is just one of the proofs that Allah’s mercy is endless.

Malik ibn Dinar used to be an alcoholic and a highway robber. Everyone knew him for those traits until it became his identity. One day he comes across a poor man and a rich man trying to buy bread from another man. The man only had one bread remaining and just as the poor man paid for it, the rich man offered to pay quadriple the price for the same bread. The poor man said to the seller, “Please I really need the bread. My daughters will starve to death if they don’t get something to eat.” But the rich was still ready to pay more for the bread. Malik ibn Dinar was triggered by this and went to them whilst very angry. He paid the seller more than what the rich man had paid so that the poor man can get the bread. But the rich man still added more money. Malik added some more money again. It went on like that until the poor man got the bread. He then said to the poor man, “When your daughters eat tonight, tell them to pray for Malik ibn Dinar” and he went away.

Years went by and Malik was still an alcoholic and a robber. When he wanted to marry he couldnt get a wife because of his reputation. So he bought a slave, freed her then married her. He really loved his wife and God blessed them with a daughter called Fathima.

Malik was very attached to his daughter and vice versa. They had a very close bond. And sometimes when Malik was seated with Fathima on his lap while he drinks wine his daughter told him, “Father I dont like this. I hate this” referring to the alcohol. Malik knew that his daughter hated the wines and alcohol but he still couldn’t stop his bad habits.

A time came when Fathima became very ill and passed away at a very tender age. Malik was so shattered and was drinking even more now to forget his pain. He hadn’t slept for days and one time, he fell into deep sleep due to the excess fatigue.

In his sleep, he dreamt that it was the day of judgement and the world looked chaotic. A monster (in some narrations they say it was a huge snake) emerged and started running after him. Malik ran away but the monster was still running behind him. He reached a cliff and below him was jahannam and behind was the monster. He decided to go to another direction, still running. He arrived at the coast of an ocean and a very old man in a white robe was seated at the coast. He went towards him to ask for help but the old man was very frail and weak. He just pointed to Malik to a direction and Malik followed the way. He kept running, the monster still behind him until he reached to a hill with small beautiful cave openings. He saw children, girls at the entrance of the caves and he immediately knew these were the daughters of the poor man he bought the bread for. The girls started calling out “Fathima come save your father! Fathima come save your father!”

Fathima appeared and motioned to the monster and it faded away.
Then she said to him:
“My dear father, ‘Has not the time come for the believers (who indulge in sins) that their hearts should submit in all humility to the remembrance of Allah and to the truth which is revealed’ (Al-Hadeed:16)”. He was moved to tears and asked her “My dear child, what was this monster?” She said “It was your own evil deeds which had made it so strong that it was about to push you into Jahannam”. Heasked “And who was that white-robed old man?” She replied “That were your good deeds and you had made them so weak with your scanty good deeds that he could not help you against the monster(though he suggested to you a means of escape.)” One of the few good deeds was the one he helped the poor man get bread for his daughters.
His daughter then asked him, “Father isn’t it time yet to repent?” Then he woke up from his sleep saying, “Yes it is time. Yes it is time.”

He stood up and went to the masjid. The imam (it is said that it was Imam Shafii, Allahu a3lam) led the prayer and recited the same verse that his daughter had recited to him.
‘Has not the time come for the believers (who indulge in sins) that their hearts should submit in all humility to the remembrance of Allah and to the truth which is revealed’ Malik was weeping uncontrollably. After the prayers he went home, packed his clothes and went off to Madina to acquire deen knowledge. He thereafter became a very famous, pious and knowlegable sheikh who propagated Islam.

It is through his pain for losing his child that Malik ibn Dinar repented. Many times Allah puts us in a difficult situation or takes something beloved from us just to make us realize how much we need Him. So do not ever give up on yourself or even on someone else. This story of repentance is a reminder for us that the door of repentance is open to even the most devilish sinner.  Allah’s mercy remains endless and He guides whomsoever He wills. Keep working on yourself. Don’t be discouraged by your sins or by irrational thoughts that Allah will never help you or accept your repentance. Another lesson we get from Malik’s story is the importance of sadaqa and dua in a person’s life. You just never know when or how or what will lead to your/someone else’s guidance. May Allah guide us all. Ameen.

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Coast & Culture

GETI KALI

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When I was in university, I’d hear ladies or even men sometimes point out seemingly modest or religious ladies especially when they are fresh students and say, “Watoto wa geti kali wale. Just give them time, they’ll adjust” And by adjusting they mean, unveiling themselves and joining the rest in the typical university lifestyle. These statements used to really break my heart because it made life even more difficult for modest ladies; like they must fit in somehow, like they need to change, like this is the time for ‘freedom’ as most would say. But even more, it used to really scare me because eventually I came to see several sisters and even brothers slowly withdraw from their principles and values and embrace ‘the freedom syndrome’. Some entirely changed their mode of dressing and some discarded the religion as well. All this used to make me question a lot. Are we, as a community supposed to raise children in the ‘geti kali’ conditions or are we to show them the real world whilst giving them the weapons and right mind-set to deal with it?

Geti Kali houses in Mombasa are those homes whereby it is known that the children, especially the ladies are over-protected with strict rules on whom to interact with, talk to, where to go and limited permission to go out unnecessarily. At least that’s how I understand it. In its original sense, the geti kali culture is an innocently protective way for parents to ensure their children don’t go astray or get influenced or taken advantage of. It isn’t out of mistrust (not always), or just to put their children in distress, but just their own way to safeguard their children. Some connect this with religion whereby ladies are encouraged to settle in their homes and avoid unnecessary movements. Fine, but are we educating them on what is really happening outside their homes? The dangers, the kind of people, the rotten mind sets, the scary environment?

It is all good and safe until you take your child to university and poof! A whole new world is exposed to them. It is like taking a kid to Disney world for the first time, you can imagine their reaction. So this teenager or young adult suddenly, out of the blue, so abruptly is exposed to a new environment they totally have no idea about. They know absolutely nothing about. They don’t know how they will adjust to the new culture shock without losing their morals and values that their parents taught them. People who’ve never gone out to the shop by themselves and suddenly you leave them an entire day or semester in a totally foreign environment full of peer pressure. Even when they are not taken to university, these young adults stay at home and are given the phones; bringing the entire world to their rooms. Again, the amusement, the shock, the surprise like ‘All this exists?! Where have I been all along?!

Don’t get me wrong. I know several geti kali families who lead their lives in a modest way and the societal pressure didn’t get to them but what happens to the many others? Again, my question, are we to protect our children or show them the real world but weapon them to face it?

I heard one very dedicated teacher say, “We really have a problem. Sometimes a parent comes to us and asks why her very young daughter came home with a boy’s book. I mean, boys are living in the same world with us. You can’t protect your girl all your life. You need to train her to take care of herself. This is how we know of girls who grew up within very noble and pious families and they are very disciplined themselves, but one year into university, they came back home pregnant.” And this is really happening. It is, and we need to address it as it is; plain and honest.

I write this because I really wish someone else had prepared me enough for university life. Not because I come from a geti kali family but because everyone needs that mental preparation. At an early age, my mother plainly told me that there is a lot of fitna out there and she would frequently tell me on what’s going on around and the real situation and would repeat it to me that she trusts me enough to find my way without being influenced. I wasn’t given freedom per se, I was given a healthy amount of freedom such that sometimes I heard no many times before getting a yes. Despite having some healthy amount of exposure, I still wasn’t psychologically prepared enough to face the challenges. Now imagine someone who has absolutely zero idea how the real world is out there. They have no idea that a boy could pursuit you for a whole year just for one single night just to dump you immediately. They have no idea that many people will encourage you to join them in their filthy activities just because they can’t stand your seemingly upright morals. No one really prepares them for the world out there.

The truth is, eventually, one way or another, they will have to face that real world and what will they use to protect themselves when they don’t exactly know what they are dealing with?

Haven’t we seen people being raised in very good environments, very holy lands, yet still turn out lost? And haven’t we seen people growing up in very rotten societies yet still stand up firm on their principles?
You don’t raise your child in a palace all their childhood and once they become a young adult, you wake them one morning and say, “Son/Daughter…you need to go for war right now”. It is never going to be the same with the child who was raised in a palace yet still was informed about the continuous wars. This child is open-minded and is trained; ready for the war. They can never be the same.

No one is really safe from the whispers of shaitan. Not those in geti kali homes or those given absolute freedom. Don’t point fingers at others or other people’s children whilst you have no idea of how your own are dealing with the intensely influential phase of their lives. We are all fighting the same battles with our souls, we might as well share our notes and help each other in dealing with the problems we are facing. May Allah protect and guide us all. Ameen.

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Creative Fiction

THAT’S THE THING WITH HUMANS

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I was now restlessly pacing from one room to another in the office; clenching my fists, opening them then clenching them again. My very irritated client was calling for fifth time now. My team mates hadn’t arrived at the event venue YET. I stared at the screen and kept it on my desk facing down. Still pacing, a colleague in his fifties called out my name. He was seated back on his chair, picking his ear.
“Girl, you’re a good person. God won’t let you down.” It struck me; not the words, but how he said it. So calm, so relaxed in his speech. I had been murmuring my prayers all along but it was in this moment, in his words, that I remembered that my faith is supposed to supersede my worries. It was almost like a new revelation to me; that for what I strive to be, God won’t let me down. I was awed. I sat down and almost immediately, my team mates called that they had arrived in time. I was really relieved. I thanked my colleague and went on supervising this critical event via phone calls.

Some few weeks later, the HR comes to me and informs me in a whisper that the same colleague is no longer part of the team. He’s been caught embezzling the company’s money and it had occurred several times. I swirled in my chair to face the HR directly. My jaw had dropped by now.
“What do you mean embezzling?” I had used this word a thousand times in my writing pieces but at this moment, I just wanted it to mean something else. My heart sank. My mouth could no longer utter any words. I was saddened.

By lunch break, I couldn’t still bring my mind to accept the truth. I mean, wasn’t he the one who told me that God doesn’t disappoint? That so long as you’re doing your best, he’ll give you a way?

I was now seated at the office kitchen where we usually have our lunch. My other colleague in his thirties, came in and grabbed two chairs. He sat on one and rested his feet on the other chair as he began to eat.
“Why would he do that? Why would anyone do that? Steal from people you’ve been with over ten years?” I started. I can’t really remember what he answered me because it was more of a monologue at this point. But I remember him agreeing with me. That it is wrong and detestable. That poverty or struggle was never a justification. We talked until the lunch break was over. I was a bit relieved talking it out and after some few days, we all got used to his absence.

Almost three/four months later, I came to work late due to some assignment I was to do first. Walking merrily to my desk, I suddenly noticed two police officers at my thirty year old colleagues’ desk ransacking it. In a frenzy of panic, I move to the manager to ask what’s happening. Embezzlement and fraud, she says.

I looked at him, eyes looking down, a sheen of sweat covering his forehead and upper lip. One of the policemen stood aside talking to our boss before walking out with him. I look at him again, walking towards the office exit, each policeman on one side. I remembered our conversation in the kitchen; my heart sank.

That’s the thing with humans, you just never know who they really are. I sighed heavily. How do you ever trust people when all they do is hide behind masks? I guess that’s just the thing with humans, they disappoint. A lot.

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Inspiration

I OWE MYSELF AN APOLOGY

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I have felt like this before. The inadequacy. The not-good-enough feeling. The ‘this-is-overrated-feedback’. Over and over again. Having been a bullying victim for a very long time, my self esteem has been crashed far too many times. The after-effect? Everything you do just doesn’t seem as good as everyone sees it. You will always look at things with a blind eye, through a broken mirror. So whenever you are praised for your accomplishments you feel that everyone else is exaggerating and you are the one who knows ‘its not such a big deal’ even when it is SUCH A BIG DEAL.

There’s this syndrome I came to learn about it’s called ‘The impostor syndrome’ whereby an individual has an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Some common signs that someone may be feeling like an impostor are: Perfectionism, overworking, undermining one’s own achievements, fear of failure and discounting praise. For me this is too relatable because I know how many times I couldn’t sleep because my already finished work isn’t GOOD ENOUGH YET. So you end up overthinking, overworking and most of the times skipping meals. Now to avoid that whole scenario of people having high expectations or faith in you, you’d rather just discount your accomplishments and make them less than what they really are, just to avoid being seen as a phony.

As stated in the Wikipedia, people who suffer from impostor syndrome tend to reflect and dwell upon extreme failure, mistakes and negative feedback from others. If not addressed, impostor syndrome can limit exploration and the courage to delve into new experiences, in fear of exposing failure.

Sometime back, I wrote an article here’You are not a failure’ whereby I talked of how my failure in Maths and Chemistry still affected me way past high school 😀 (Here is the article if you haven’t yet read it: http://lubnah.me.ke/you-are-definitely-not-a-failure/ ) And this is how failure takes a toil on you when you have such a syndrome. Perfectionist much? 😀

So I’ve been working on myself for a while now; my self-love journey hasn’t been easy because one first needs to accept their flaws and twisted thoughts and dig deep into the mind to remove the trash. Last week I started posting on my instagram account short posts on the same: I owe myself an apology whilst mentioning my accomplishments and things I should be more proud of than I usually am. I realized, I really do owe my precious soul an apology for keeping it secondary to other people’s opinions.

You know how we are so excited when we have achieved something and we call our loved ones just so they can congratulate us and share our happiness? The same way we should congratulate ourselves first thing before anything else. Treat and pamper yourself to the occasion. I mean, you did great!

The reason I decided to make this public is that I know I am not the only one beating myself up for glitches and failures in my work or other aspects of my life, even when things were beyond my control or simply by undermining my real worth and value.

Now this is to challenge you to join me in doing this, even if you’d do it privately in a notebook or so, but just try it out. Write ten things you are really proud of about yourself (If you can make it a daily thing then the better! At least one thing per day! It could be an achievement or even something about your personality that deserves an applaud. Then at the end of it, apologize to yourself for not appreciating yourself well enough. Remember, we can’t wait for people to applaud for us. We need to do it ourselves first and whatever praise other people bring to us should just be complementary.

Remember:

*You deserve all the praise in the world for all your achievements; whether big or small.
*You are not defined by your ‘failures’.
*You are enough and good enough.

I’m applauding you 🙂

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Coast & Culture

HAIR CARE WITH JAUZ

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Are you even Coasterian if you don’t have coconut oil on your dressing table? Fresh coconut in the kitchen? Coconut milk and water in the fridge? A ‘goat’ i.e. ‘the Swahili grater’ i.e. mbuzi. Grammar police, don’t attack me just yet. Give me a minute. Aha! Mr google here says that the right word for it is coconut grater 😀 Yes, a typical Swahili home must have the coconut grater. There is also a high probability that there is more than one coconut tree in the vicinity or at least in the neighbourhood in general. We are very much defined by the coconut. Its smell is in our hair, its milk and the coconut itself in our foods and even its water for us to drink. This is because every part of the coconut tree has a benefit in it and be used for different purposes. It has health benefits for different body care i.e. skin care, weight loss, digestion, diabetes, heart health, infections and many other things. You don’t believe me? Try Mr Google.

There is a lot of awareness nowadays on hair care especially using natural products and this is exactly why, the Coasterian MEH wouldn’t talk of any other natural product before the coconut oil.
Are you having problems with falling hair? The dandruff is making your head seem like the beach with all the ‘white sand’ around? Need to nourish your hair? Your weak hair makes you cry? You have problems of anxiety like me and you need to stop worrying and start living? You have financial problems? Your husband wouldn’t let you buy that dress? Problem solved. Natural coconut oil to the rescue 😀 Okay, maybe the last three are a bit exaggerated but when you think deeply, coconut oil can actually come in handy. I mean, did you KNOW? Research shows that stress is associated with hair loss and so is hormone imbalance. Stress triggers inflammation and prematurely induces follicle regression, leading to hair loss. Yet some properties of the coconut oil have a calming effect. No kidding 😀 The anxiety gone yet? As for the financial problems, shouldn’t you be climbing that palm tree nearby and you sell those very much needed coconuts? Your husband wouldn’t let you buy that dress? Cook for him the tastiest ‘Wali wa nazi na samaki wa kupaka’. Don’t they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? See what I did there?! *wink wink*
So basically, coconut oil can do wonders generally but when it comes to hair, this is just a few of the things it can do:
* Hair growth stimulation
*Getting rid of dandruff
*Hair Nourishment
*Oily hair prevention
*Stress reduction and hormone balance.

There are some family friends who decided, just like the genius me previously stated, they would use the coconut oil to erase ALLLL their problems (including your hair care). They started their own business that goes by the name of Khaleej Traders and produced 100% natural coconut oil for the hair called Jauz. Now in arabic, coconut is called Jauz al-hind which explains where the name comes from 🙂 They have four different kinds: JAUZ pine, JAUZ Lavender, JAUZ Jasmine and JAUZ Rose.

JAUZ Pine Hair Nourishment Oil: Pine oils can make great natural acne treatments that work fast. And because it can fight bacteria and fungus, pine oil may be useful with a variety of skin conditions, including psoriasis, warts, boils, athlete’s foot, eczema and itching. Being skilfully combined with virgin coconut oil, JAUZ Pine doubles its power for removing dandruff from the scalp and adding shine to hair. JAUZ pine means; healthy scalp, healthy hair.

The trending, Sweet smelling JAUZ Lavender Hair Nourishment Oil is mild and soothing, and can be used for any type of hair. When massaged into the scalp, it can improve blood circulation, prevent hair loss, and promote hair growth.

JAUZ Lavender Hair Nourishment Oil moisturizes the scalp and balances sebum production. It is ideal for people who have a mixed type of scalp, for example, oily near the forehead and at the back of the head, but dry at other parts. Its powerful antiseptic and antimicrobial action makes it excellent for controlling dandruff and scalp acne complicated by fungal or bacterial infections.

JAUZ Lavender Hair Nourishment Oil can also help heal minor injuries on the scalp caused by scratching, especially in children.

JAUZ Lavender
● Prevents Hair Loss
● Promotes Hair Growth

JAUZ Jasmine Hair Nourishment Oil has been proven to be of effective use in aromatherapies, where the oil is used for hair massage. As it is believed to soothe the nervous system and calm the mind, massaging your hair with JAUZ Jasmine oil creates a conducive condition for hair growth as the oil helps to bust stress- which can drain nutrients from the body.

JAUZ Jasmine Hair Nourishment Oil can be frequently used to tame unruly hair, and is often used by those with frizzy, coarse, curly, dry and Afro-textured hair, although it can be used successfully by any hair type.
The Virgin Coconut Oil present in the formulation of JAUZ Jasmine makes the formula a proven efficiency for hair growth. Along with adding to the volume and length, it gives dry hair a radiant lustre.
Being light and non-greasy in nature, it can also be washed out easily, leaving the hair with a soft, smooth feel and fragrant smell.

Another advantage of applying JAUZ Jasmine Hair Nourishment Oil is that it helps to strengthen hair roots, which in turn ensure each hair strand is tensile, grows long and doesn’t go brittle.
JAUZ Jasmine Oil is also a powerful fungicide with antibacterial and antimicrobial properties, making it an excellent choice to cure scalp ailments.

Applying it on the hair is a good solution against dry and itchy scalp, as the oil is a wonderful moisturizer, locking moisture into the hair and scalp. JAUZ Jasmine Oil’s strong scent can also inhibit the proliferation of head lice and its eggs especially being a formulation that includes VCO as carrier oil.

JAUZ Jasmine:
● Moisturizer
● Natural Conditioner

JAUZ Rose Hair Nourishment Oil is noted for its hydrating and emollient properties. These help moisturize hair and skin and fight any dryness or dehydration.
JAUZ Rose oil also has stimulating, antiseptic, antiviral and bactericidal properties that are beneficial to hair and skin, making it useful as a general scalp tonic.

It constitutes mainly of citronellol, which provides fragrance; phenyl ethanol, which has antimicrobial properties; the natural antioxidant geraniol; and farnesol, an antibacterial that also helps regulate oil production in the skin and scalp.
Jauz Rose:
●With all healthy hair enhancers

If you hate the science bla bla bla like I do and you probably skipped all the jargon just to say, ‘I just want the damn coconut oil’ here you are 😀
For customers around Mombasa and Kilifi, please visit the below places for their products;

Mombasa
Bakarani – MABROUK COLLECTIONS
100 metres along the Bin Leyl garage street.
Contacts: 0721832982

Bakarani – HEMEL COM & COSMETICS
Bakarani stage
Contacts: 0716740025

Mwandoni – AL RAZZAK SNACKS
Along the mwandoni-kisimani cabro
Near labour coffee junction
Contacts: 0722258230

Bondeni – CITY LINK PHARMA
Opposite Tawakkal Bus Booking Office
Contacts: 0720418895

Bondeni – BAILE MOBILE & ACCESSORIES
Near Masjid Noor
Contacts: 0723422822

Guraya – SAADIA
Former Al Farouq Hospital Building
Contacts: 0720970181 or 0731667376

Kilifi

Kilifi – MUHAMMAD YUSUF
Pwani University
Contacts: 0796660059

If interested in being one of our agents, please contact the sales team at 0708300552 (See? Financial problems I was talking about? Did you just get yourself a new side-job?!)

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