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Lubnah Abdulhalim


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Deen (Religion)

THE HUGE BURDEN OF DEBT

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I find it quite amusing that the longest verse in the Qur’an is about debt rather than murder and crime or marriage and divorce, or worship or oppression and war or any other matter that we perceive to be huge in our lives. This is how heavy the matter of debt is, quite unexpected right? In our lives we consider debt as this small dismissible issue that doesn’t require our worry. We take loans, borrow money and disappear for years with someone’s wealth until they hopefully forget about it or forgive us. They don’t need it, we say.  They have enough money, what I took is like a drop of the vast ocean, they won’t even feel the loss.

We let people follow us like eagles as we play hide and seek with what is rightfully theirs. We let them beg and pester us endlessly to pay them back. We rub their hearts like sandpaper on wood as they weep for their money, as they sleep hungry, as they pray for justice. We still assume that debt is something as small as the ant, compared to the elephant in the room i.e. bloodshed and crime and divorce. But this one verse commonly known as ayatul dayn, is clear proof that debt is one of the last things you should ignore and underestimate.

When we go for jobs, we ask for contracts because we always need something that can bring us justice when manipulation or injustice happens. One of the hardest lessons I ever learnt is that you must and should write a contract with whoever you have a deal with, whether small or big, whether a family, friend, neighbour or boss especially when it is family because we usually disregard them as being manipulators. Yet it happens; family manipulating family and friends betraying their closest friends. Sometimes you or the lender forget what the initial agreement was and eventually, doubt comes in between you because of the different statements each gives. Remember when Allah (S.W) said in surat Anfal verse 28, ‘And know that your properties and your children are but a trial and that Allah has with Him a great reward.’ Indeed, wealth has been known as one of the biggest matters to break marriages, friendships and even kinship all over time, all over the world. It happens, a lot.

In this longest ayah, surat Baqarah, verse 282, Allah (S.W) gives us a lengthy description on how to conduct financial transactions, about contracts, how to fulfil promises, being God-conscious and the importance of witnesses.

‘O you who have believed, when you contract a debt for a specified term, write it down. And let a scribe write [it] between you in justice. Let no scribe refuse to write as Allah has taught him. So let him write and let the one who has the obligation dictate. And let him fear Allah, his Lord, and not leave anything out of it. But if the one who has the obligation is of limited understanding or weak or unable to dictate himself, then let his guardian dictate in justice. And bring to witness two witnesses from among your men. And if there are not two men [available], then a man and two women from those whom you accept as witnesses – so that if one of the women errs, then the other can remind her. And let not the witnesses refuse when they are called upon. And do not be [too] weary to write it, whether it is small or large, for its [specified] term. That is more just in the sight of Allah and stronger as evidence and more likely to prevent doubt between you, except when it is an immediate transaction which you conduct among yourselves. For [then] there is no blame upon you if you do not write it. And take witnesses when you conclude a contract. Let no scribe be harmed or any witness. For if you do so, indeed, it is [grave] disobedience in you. And fear Allah . And Allah teaches you. And Allah is Knowing of all things.’

A few things we learn from this ayah is that:

  • Financial transactions, debts and agreements are NOT a small matter as we usually perceive.
  • It is very important to write down any transactions however small or big or even how much you trust another person.
  • Every person should dictate what his terms are.
  • The writer of the agreement must be a third party; an honest person with integrity.
  • The writer must write with all fairness and justice and use clear, precise words.
  • When one can’t dictate his terms due to young age or feeble-minded or is unable to do so for any reason, his guardian or trustee may do it on his behalf.
  • Witnesses are required when making a deal just in case one of you forgets or tries to manipulate another.
  • Witnesses are required to be two trusted men and if not available then one man and two women so that if one of the women errs, then the other can remind her.
  • Witnesses should not refuse to give evidence when required to.
  • All those involved in the transaction must be God conscious and not manipulate the other.
  • No harm must come either to the document writer or to the witnesses and their rights must be observed.
  • If a transaction is occurring in the present moment then it isn’t wrong if they don’t write it down.

 

In the verse that follows, Allah (S.W) says: ‘And if you are on a journey and cannot find a scribe, then a security deposit [should be] taken. And if one of you entrusts another, then let him who is entrusted discharge his trust [faithfully] and let him fear Allah, his Lord. And do not conceal testimony, for whoever conceals it – his heart is indeed sinful, and Allah is Knowing of what you do.’

In this ayah we learn the validity of mortgage (pledge) commonly known as ‘Rehani’ with the proper Islamic rules. In a narration by Aisha peace be upon her: The prophet peace be upon him bought some food stuff on credit for a limited period and mortgaged his armour’ (Sahih Bukhari: Vol. 3, hadith No. 686)

To further show the emphasis given to debt, here are a few hadiths on the subject:

The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: “The soul of the believer is held hostage by his debt in his grave until it is paid off.” Tirmidhi,

Explaining this hadeeth al-Suyooti said: “It (soul) is detained and kept from reaching its noble destination. Al-‘Iraaqi said: “No judgment is passed as to whether it will be saved or doomed until it is determined whether his debt will be paid off or not.”

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 2929 Narrated by Muhammad ibn Abdullah ibn Jahsh, The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: By Him in whose hand Muhammad’s soul is, if a man were to be killed in Allah’s path then come to life, be killed again in Allah’s path then come to life, and be killed once more in Allah’s path then come to life owing a debt, he would not enter Paradise till his debt was paid.” This is how serious the matter of debt is.

Another beautiful story on paying a debt is related in Sahih Al-Bukhari from Abu Hurairah (May Allah be satisfied with him) from Allah’s Messenger (May Allah exalt his mention and protect him from imperfection): A man from the Children of Israel asked another man from the Children of Israel to lend him 1000 dinars, and he answered, “Bring witnesses who will bear witness (to this transaction).” The first man said, “Allah is enough as a Witness.” He said, “Then bring me a guarantor.” He said, “Allah is enough as a Guarantor.” The man said, “You have spoken the truth.”

He gave him the money for a fixed term. The debtor travelled by sea and when he fulfilled the purpose of his journey, he was looking for a ship that he could board and return on to pay the debt at the appointed time. However, he was not able to find a ship, so he took a piece of wood, pierced it, and thrust into it 1000 dinars along with a letter to the creditor. Then he took it to the ocean.

He said, “O Allah, You know that I borrowed 1000 dinars from such and such person, and he asked me for a guarantor. I said: Allah is enough as a Guarantor. He was pleased with You, and he also asked for a witness. I said: Allah is enough as a Witness, and he was pleased with You (as a Witness). And I have not been able to find a ship on which I could send him that which is due to him, so indeed I trust it to you.”

He threw the piece of wood into the ocean until it was swallowed by it, and then he went away. He then continued to search for a boat on which he could return to his country. The creditor went out looking – perhaps a boat would come with his wealth. He found a piece of wood – in which was the money – and he took it to his family as firewood. When he broke the wood open, he found the money and the letter.

Then the debtor returned, bringing with him 1000 dinars. He said, “By Allah, I continued to search for a boat in order to return your wealth to you, but I did not find one until I found the one that I came on now.” The other man asked, “And did you send anything to me?”… “For indeed, Allah paid for you through the wood that you sent.”

Is that what we do today with other people’s wealth and possessions? Can we go this far to ensure we have kept our promises and paid back as per the time frame originally given?

As we go on with our busy lives, make sure to take a pause at some point and pay back our dues even if it means missing out on something else. You never know how much the lender desperately needs what he gave you. Be empathetic and just. Fear Allah in all your dealings and transactions because for sure, all these things we will be questioned about on the day of judgement. Start paying back now!

P.S Writing down your agreements doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t trust the other party. Both of you are human beings, either of you could forget or get confused about what was initially agreed or die in which his family might need proof to pay back the debts. There is so much wisdom in this ruling. Let’s put it to work.

P.S 2: Don’t you find this to be so beautiful and amazing? That our religion has covered every single aspect of our lives, we just need to read, understand and follow? Indeed, Islam is not just a religion but a way of life too.

May Allah protect us from the burden of debt. Ameen.

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Inspiration

DARLING, YOU HAVEN’T BEEN LIVING

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Your alarm goes off and you let it snooze for the second time before stretching your hand lazily to put it off. You sit upright on your bed for a moment and think, ‘that was a long, restless night’. But you’ve had restless nights since when? You try to count. You lose the count halfway. It’s been years now. Late night sleep and early morning work. ‘It’s a sacrifice I have to make for our own better livelihood’ you convince yourself. But you’ve been making sacrifices for the past ten years. You frown, dismiss the thoughts and pick up your phone. Four missed calls and three text messages. You go through them. Work work work. You put it back and drag your feet to the washroom. Nowadays, you can’t even enjoy a warm shower like you used to. Time doesn’t give you that luxury, or rather, you don’t give yourself the time to enjoy anything anymore. ‘You’ve been busy.’

Hurriedly, you choose what to wear. It doesn’t really matter much anymore so long as it is clean and neat. You call out your husband’s name to wake up as you head to the kitchen to make some quick breakfast. You move to the fridge and take some eggs to make omelets for yourself and your small family. You quickly glimpse at the sticker on the fridge. It says, ‘The pursuit of happiness’ with some other tiny written words below it. You haven’t seen this one before. You smile. It must be your teenage son who kept it up. You want to read it but then you remember you have an important meeting with an important client. You make a mental note to come check it out again. You need to hurry.

Very fast, you prepare the breakfast. ‘Did I put salt in the eggs?’ You can’t remember. You put the breakfast on the table with the salt sprinkler next to it. You grab two slices of bread, insert an omelet inside it and sprinkle some little bit of salt to make a sandwich. You eat as you head to your son’s room to wake him up for school before going back to wake his father once again. You kiss him goodbye and tell him the breakfast is on the table. You take two long sips of your coffee, grab your car keys and off you go.

Heading towards your car, you meet mama Zainab who owns a small shop opposite your villa. She is humming a taarab song you are familiar with as she sweeps outside her shop.

“Good day huh?” You smile.

“Always,” she laughs.

You get into your car wondering how mama Zainab can seem so fresh and energetic that early morning while she had to walk for twenty minutes to get to her shop. Maybe you are going to ask her of her secret some day.

Inside your car you notice your book on self-love on the seat beside you. Your best friend bought it for you because she thought ‘you need to take care of yourself more’. You think she is just being ridiculous but you still promised to read it. You’ve been trying to read it for the past two months now. It is an interesting one but where is the time to read? You sigh and take off. You meet your important client, then another, then a board meeting. You make a mental note to call your husband at lunch break. You don’t get the chance to. Back to work. Work work work. ‘It is a sacrifice I have to make so my family can have a comfortable and the best kind of life’ you say it to yourself once again. It is all in the pursuit of happiness.

You get home extremely exhausted. Your son is already asleep; you don’t get to ask him about his day or even about the new sticker on the fridge. You have a rather silent dinner with your husband apart from the random small talk. Both of you are tired, you head to bed. Each one rolls up to their side of the bed. You close your eyes. You open them. You close them. Repeat. You check your phone now. It’s been one hour since you went to bed. Sleep just doesn’t seem to be your friend nowadays. Your mind still remains awake. Still contemplating. Calculating. Arranging. Planning. Work still visits you even on your bed.

You sigh loudly and walk up to the fridge to grab a glass of water. You notice the sticker again. You bring your face closer and squint your eyes to read the tiny words. It says, ‘Happiness is not having what you want. Its wanting what you already have.’ It strikes you hard. You haven’t been living; you’ve just been sacrificing. Sacrificing at the cost of what really mattered to you; creating moments with your family, your health and your peace of mind. You’ve always been on the run. Always seeking something beyond what you already have. You pull a chair from the dining table and sit. You suddenly realize how you’re ageing so fast. You let it sink in. Darling, you haven’t been living. You’ve just been seeking.

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Creative Non-Fiction

BETTING THEIR WAY DOWN TO POVERTY

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I’ve met gamblers before. I’ve sat with them, eaten with them, worked with them. They always amuse me. One because most of them are people of middle or low class so they know what being broke is. Two because of their strong faith in the whole thing. Faith could be a strong word in this case but I lack the precise words to describe what they do.

I’ve seen several of them skip lunch or gulp down water to quench themselves and hopefully stop their stomachs from rumbling. I have seen them deny themselves a proper meal and budget their lunch for anything less than fifty shillings so that they can bet. They would do it everyday, endlessly, with so much anticipation. They would become so engrossed with it that they wouldn’t hear what you are saying especially when someone is telling them how the betting is ruining them.

I would watch and just for a moment, a small tiny moment, envy their faith. How they would dedicate their entire lives to this one thing with the hope that just one day, one brilliant day, one perfect day, they would win more than they ever dream. They would sacrifice their meals and walk to save the fare and cut down any expense that could save them just one more coin for betting. I often picture it like a beggar going to this mansion to request for food. They would arrive at the gate and the dogs would bark so loud chasing them away. They would go back and this time the guard would ask them to leave. Yet, this persistent beggar would use all his means and ways to go back to the mansion and beg. Before they know it, the house owners are slamming doors at him but guess what, this poor man is very insistent on getting anything from this mansion even if it is the left-over food. All this time though, he forgets that he is using up all his energy and remaining coins to go beg instead of using what he has in a better investment. Well, the food beggar is still better than the gambler though. I always wondered how much better their lives would be if they that kind of faith in something else, maybe in their own potential, in God, or their own hard work.

One ex gambler told me his story of how he started betting since he was in form two. Being a football fanatic and wanting an easy way to earn money, he decided that betting would be the best way to channel his passion and focus to. There weren’t many betting sites then but his friend helped him register to one of the sites. Slowly he started betting every other weekend when they would sneak out from the dormitories to go watch football outside. When he got a hang of things, he graduated to betting every day on champions league in mid week and EPL on weekends.

At times he’d lose hope when he lost the bets but later the loses just pushed him further into making multiple bets in a day especially on weekends when many games were being played. He started using up almost all his pocket money on it and seeing that he was losing only by slim margins, he’s be under pressure to get back his money. At that time the bets were 100 Kshs each so he was losing quite an amount for a student, thus, he would put more bets the next day with the hope his money will be regained.

He went on that like that and when he was in form three, he would be too broke that he would call his dad every Monday to ask for money. His father was convinced that his son was smoking bhang, or why else would he need money all the time? Being a notorious boy himself, it was hard to believe otherwise. Spending all his money on this, his pocket money used to be over by the first week of school.

Soon enough he started sneaking with the phone to class so that he could bet during the day. This led him to being suspended from school several times for phone possession and finally in the third term of form three he was expelled.

Sometimes he would earn some money from the betting but he would still use the money on more betting and taking out his friends when they sneaked from school.

When he joined campus, he went on with the same habit and ended up using his fees for one entire year without the knowledge of his father who in his mind knows he has cleared his son’s fees. Campus gave him more freedom and of course more money. The second year he spent an entire semester’ fee on the betting. His idea was he’s invest on the betting and then earn enough for the fees and more for himself. Before he knew it, he had used up thirty thousand out of the forty seven he had for fees. He was now under more pressure to get back the money and he did not know any other way to earn money except by betting.

Soon he was losing friends because he was always on the betting sites, sometimes for a whole day. He wouldn’t want to spend time with people and conversations were bothering him because his mind was always absorbed with the betting. He was avoiding going home lest they ask him about campus and his studying. There was a time he spent his hostel rent on the betting and opted to be sleeping at the entertainment area in the campus. He missed exams due to unpaid fees. Prayers became non-existent to him. Every thing he ever wanted to buy, his mind would automatically go back to betting, like, ‘Let me bet then the profit is what i’ll use to buy the shirt’, ‘Let me bet then if I win I can buy the boots.’ He even sold his phone, bought a cheaper phone just so he could bet. That is how serious it was. Maybe faith isn’t the word after all; addiction it is.

After losing all the fees for the second year, he applied for an academic leave and went somewhere else to stay while his parents believed their son is in campus studying.

He was in his third year; his friends were ahead of him, he was sleeping on the benches and he was ashamed of himself he couldn’t face his dad. At this moment he was just alone.

It wasn’t until last year when campus was being closed and he had to leave the campus when it finally dawned on him. Staying away from home, he went to a friend’s place to stay in the mean while. His friend told him how broke and wasted he seemed and how he really looked like a bhang smoker. His friend would sometimes buy him food because he knew he has nothing. Time came his friend also got tired and started avoiding him. When he’d request for money he’d tell him to go and get it from his father. He didn’t want to go home yet because he was ashamed but his friend too was already bothered with his betting habit.

This got him to keenly look at himself; how rough he looked and he decided it is high time to stop the habit. He would stop for a while but when he’d get money he’d still go back to betting. It was a hard addiction to let go so he had to put more effort to not go down that lane again. He would avoid watching the games in public, he stopped putting money on Mpesa, and would avoid receiving money in big amounts at once.

Last December he lost twenty two thousand in less than a week and that became his last blow. He didn’t play again since then. Its been 8 clean months and that’s huge progress for him. Alhamdulilah.

I would say this is a brave man for coming out openly to share his story so the rest of us can learn from his. For being able to learn from his own mistakes and to let go of his strong addiction. He is among the lucky ones because as he says, many know how damaging it is yet still opt for it. Not everyone gets that chance to start all over again and make lemonade from the lemons they had.

High time we started having these conversations amongst ourselves and with our friends and younger brothers and sisters. May God guide and protect us all from being the enemies to our own souls. Ameen.

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Mental Health

RECOVERY IS BUT A CHOICE

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Photo Courtesy: https://kaylafae.files.wordpress.com

So I went to Port Reitz the other week and visited the mental unit. The place was so quiet and calm, with a neat, green compound. You can imagine my disappointment of not finding a lunatic running around with a doctor following him with a huge needle in his hand. That’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear of Port Reitz right? Well sorry to burst your bubble. Apparently the only time the place is as you picture it is when a maniac or violent patient is coming in for assessment for the first time. So yeah, as much as mental illness is often equated to madness, that’s just NOT the whole picture. Mental illness is depression and anxiety and OCD and all these other things we go through and brush away because well, who wants to admit they are mentally ill?

It is also at Port Reitz that I got to know that by a range of just 150/= to 300/= you could get to see a therapist. But because we’ve stereotyped mental illness and this place so much, we’d rather not even think about going to this place.

By now we already know that therapy is as expensive as it gets. So if only we kept aside our insecurities and decided to seek the desperate help we need, we would have made good use of these very affordable charges. Anyway, getting to my point now, do you realize that for you to get any better you need to get help?

It is rather sad that we would go to see a doctor for the smallest of physical aches yet choose to continuously ignore the pain within our souls. Each one of us is carrying a baggage, a painful story, things they’d rather not talk about because it is easier ignored than faced. But the reality is that, time is not necessarily going to heal you as the theory goes. We are very different human beings and we cope very differently to the challenges we face. For example, you could meet two victims who were involved in the West Gate attack and perhaps underwent the same scenario but you’d find that one was resilient enough after the attack was over. They quit the job they didn’t like, spent more time with family and started pursuing things they are passionate about. The other one however, was probably stuck in that messy moment for an entire month and still having nightmares about it. That’s just how different we are and it is OKAY to feel whichever way you feel.

To ensure that you remain sane and not entirely lose control of your being, here are a few steps to help you cope.

  1. Admit to yourself that you have a challenge that is pulling you down: You have to be honest to yourself without feeling any guilt or shame. You have to accept that this is how you feel right now and there shouldn’t be anyone or anything to make you less of a human being for feeling the way you do. Remember that your illness does not define you. Your strength and courage does…and if you want this nightmare to end, this step is very crucial.
  2. Talk to a confidant: Go talk to a person you trust and who will listen to you without judgements or with less regard as to how you feel. Be open and be yourself. Letting it out is an efficient way to feel better.
  3. Keep a journal: Writing down what you feel is proven to be really helpful for anyone undergoing stress or any other mental illness. You can be angry, emotional, detesting or whichever feeling you’ll be experiencing and you don’t have to worry about what your journal thinks about all that you are talking about. It gives you the chance to be free and yourself. Furthermore, it will be more helpful if you also have a gratitude journal whereby you write down what you are grateful for by the end of the day or maybe weekly.
  4. Pray: While experiencing very stressful situations, praying can be the hardest thing to do. You have so many questions for God and you are almost giving up. You lack the enthusiasm for life and you are just in this dark phase whereby you don’t know what to do. However difficult it is for you, pray. Because if there’s any time where you have to prove your faith in God, this is the period. This is your test and this is the time to trust blindly. Yes, blindly. You may not see the light ahead and you may not understand a thing but pray still. Trust His plan for you. Pray to Him. Cry to Him. Talk to Him. Tell Him about all these things only you and Him know about. Tell Him about your pain, your confusion, your anguish and struggle. He is listening. He is always listening.
  5. Seek help: This is an important step when things get overwhelming for you. Do not worry about what others will think about you or label you. Do not worry about what will happen next or how the therapist will judge you. Close your eyes and take the step. Seeking help doesn’t make you mad or crazy or weak. It makes you brave. It makes you strong and courageous. So go for it. Seek help while you still can. Seek help because you deserve a peaceful mind and a grateful soul. So go for it!

That said, here is good news for my dear ‘strokes of my pen’ family. To make it easier for all of you to seek help, Strokes of my pen and Taaluful Quloob have joined hands to assist you to access therapies at a special price.

Taaluful Quloob is a registered community based organization in Mombasa with a mission to proactively address family issues through a collaborative care, offering comprehensive package embodied with assorted services to help replenish homes. They offer services such as general guidance and counselling, Islamic marital counselling (pre-marital, marital and post marital) and match-making (Interesting huh?!). They also train community counsellors and organize workshops and seminars.

Coming back to the special price, Taaluful Quloob will be charging a small fee of 300/= plus a one-time registration fee of 100/= only, for general counselling for anyone who uses the code: Strokes of my pen. Please take note that this offer is only for the general counselling matters and not for marital counselling.

You can book your appointment via their number: 0708 964 809 or you can email them for further inquiries via: taallufulquloob@gmail.com

It is my hope that you will make use of this great offer and seek help. Please do while you can. Please be kind to your soul and allow it to heal.

P.S The offer is valid until December in shaa Allah.

One of the great therapists I know repeats this like it is the most important statement to live with: Mental Illness is NOT a choice but your RECOVERY is. I believe she is right.

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Deen (Religion)

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

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‘Why is this happening to me’ is one of the very frequent questions we ask when we are in despair, when we are sad and in pain. Sometimes we are so angry with God, we don’t understand why we go through what we do. We demand for answers from anyone who seems pious or close to God. We ask ‘Why is there evil on earth?’ ‘Where is God? Why is He not answering my prayers?’ ‘I have been good all my life. I’ve been a consistent worshipper, I’ve been obedient to Him and to my parents and I haven’t harmed anyone, why did God give me this illness? Why am I struggling?’ At this point we have heard enough of ‘Be patient’, ‘Keep praying’ and all the other consolations we say to each other in difficult situations. We want to understand WHY.

If you ask me i’d tell you, this life is a test. Thousands of years before we came to existence, it was already ordained for us that we’d come to this earth and we’d have to work with sweat and blood to earn Jannah. But you probably have heard enough of that already. You want satisfactory answers. But part of the test is that you won’t have all the answers. There is no one who will ever come to you and say, ‘So, on this date, when you were 25 years old you committed injustice to so and so…that’s why you became bankrupt today.’ Or that you missed your only chance to get a scholarship because two years later, another better chance will be there for you. We don’t and won’t have the privilege that nabii Musa aleyhi salaam got by learning the wisdom behind tragic events from Al Khidhr. No. Nothing like that will ever happen. Sometimes, maybe months or years later you come to appreciate what happened to you because now you can see the wisdom behind God’s plans. And sometimes, you won’t understand one bit of what is going on and you will never get the closure you need, but will you still believe?? Will you still have faith that God is the best of Planners and wants what is best for you? Will we learn to trust as from the stories of our prophets and the pious people that came before us?

In a hadith in sahih Bukhari, the Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’” Some of the commentaries of this hadith is this: Imam Nawawi (may Allah have Mercy upon him) also said: “al-Qadi ‘Iyad said that this means He will forgive him if he seeks such, will accept his repentance if he repents, will answer him if he supplicates, and will suffice him if he asks for something. It is also said that it refers to having hope and longing for relief, and this is more correct.”

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have Mercy upon him) said: “Most people – in fact, all of them except those protected by Allah – assume other than the truth, and assume the worst. Most people believe that they are deprived of their rights, have bad luck, deserve more than what Allah gave them, and it is as if they are saying: ‘My Lord has wronged me and deprived me of what I deserve,’ and his soul bears witness to this while his tongue denies it and refuses to openly state this. And whoever digs into his soul and comes to know its ins and outs will see this in it like fire in a triggered explosion…And if you dig into anyone’s soul, you will see that he blames fate and would rather have something else happen to him than what actually did, and that things should be this way or that…So, dig into your own self: are you protected from this? If you are safe from this, you have been protected from something great. Otherwise, I do not see that you have been saved.” [Zad al-Ma’ad]

There is a very thin line between belief and disbelief and questioning, is one of those things that can drastically push you to the other end of the line. Many people have found God due to questioning, researching and contemplating life while many other pious people ended up falling into disbelief because of constant questioning which ended up in wrong conclusions. This is why we need to be careful on what we say and how we say it, the intention behind it. One of the main reason atheists don’t believe in God is because they question how and why there is evil on this earth if there is a Just and All-knowing God.

In a hadith in sahih Bukhari [Volume 2, Book 24, Number 555:], the prophet p.b.u.h talks about this:

Narrated Ash-sha`bi:

The clerk of Al-Mughira bin Shu’ba (radiallaahu `anhu) narrated, “Mu`awiya (radiallaahu `anhu) wrote to Al-Mughira bin Shu’ba (radiallaahu `anhu): Write to me something which you have heard from the Prophet (sallallaahu `alayhi wasallam) .” So Al-Mughira (radiallaahu `anhu) wrote: I heard the Prophet (sallallaahu `alayhi wasallam) saying, “Allah has hated for you three things:

1. Vain talks, (useless talk) that you talk too much or about others.

2. Wasting of wealth (by extravagance)

3. And asking too many questions (in disputed religious matters) or asking others for something (except in great need).

All I mean is, sometimes we just have to trust God’s plan and His process. Sometimes we just need to have this undoubted faith that God knows your pain and will surely take care of you.

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have Mercy upon him) also said: “The more you have good expectations of your Lord and hope in Him, the more you will rely on and trust in Him. This is why some explained true reliance and trust to be having good expectations of Allah. In reality, having good expectations of Him leads to relying on and trusting in Him, as it is unthinkable that one can trust in someone that he has bad expectations of or no hope in, and Allah Knows best.”

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, thinking well about Allah is a part of the excellent worship of Allah.”

There is this quote by Ibn al-Qayyim rahimahu Llah that is too beautiful. He said:“Had Allah lifted the veil for his slave and shown him how He handles his affairs for him, and how Allah is more keen for the benefit of the slave than his own self, his heart would have melted out of the love for Allah and would have been torn to pieces out of thankfulness to Allah. Therefore if the pains of this world tire you do not grieve. For it may be that Allah wishes to hear your voice by way of duaa. So pour out your desires in prostration and forget about it and know; that verily Allah does not forget it.”

So the next time you are asking yourself ‘why is this happening to me’ or someone asks you the same, tell yourself this ayah:
‘Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried?’ Surat Ankabut: Verse 2.

May Allah grant us the patience and great faith in whatever He plans for us. Ameen.

P.S Our next creative writing training is set for next month in shaa Allah. Kindly check the details in the poster for registration. Please share!!

 

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Mental Health

10 WAYS PARENTS HEIGHTEN DEPRESSION

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One of the saddest things is hearing people say, “I need help but I don’t want my family to know…”It says a lot about the person, the situation and the family; especially the parents. It is a messed up society. The youth are afraid to speak up about their struggles and depression because they are afraid of their parents’ reactions. The situation is such that depression is almost becoming a trend now. And the parents? They remain oblivious of how much their children are struggling. I am not pointing fingers at anyone. As I said, it is a messed up situation. The youth could be unnecessarily worried about speaking up. Perhaps their parents would in fact listen and help them get help. Perhaps they would be supportive. Perhaps you speaking up would be a wake up call for them. How would you know if you never approached them? This generation is so good at hiding so we can’t entirely blame the parents for not miraculously knowing you’re in pain. The family on the other side could be playing a role; sometimes a major role, in the problem itself. Carrying on with the same old traditions and customs, our parents seem blinded on how much they actually play a role in facilitating depression amongst their children. Here are some ways in which parents, unintentionally cause unnecessary pain, struggle and hopelessness.

1. Forcing them to take up courses/careers they aren’t interested in: I was talking to this 18 year old girl who just completed form four. She says she HATES maths, she FAILED maths and she doesn’t want anything to do with it. Oh well guess what, her family still thought that being an accountant is the only way to succeed in this life.I couldn’t understand how anyone could see her misery and still force her do this. It is sad, so sad, that parents have this one track mind. Parents believe they know what is best for their children (which majority of the times is true) but sometimes this is not the reality. If someone despises something that much, what kind of life do you expect your child to have at university? Sleepless nights, over-working themselves, breaking down cause of constant failure…what for?? Is it really worth it?? Even if they indeed work their sweat off and pass their exams, what kind of a career will they have? One whereby they deal with numbers for eight constant hours, seven days a week…do you expect your child to lead a happy life? Will they be any less valuable or worthy if they didn’t become that person you expect them to be or that they didn’t follow your footsteps?? Go ask around the students at university, ask them what they study and majority will tell you they do it because they had no option. Because their parent chose this course for them. Because becoming an artist or a chef or a journalist won’t take you that far. But would it give them a chance to grow? A chance to go after their dreams? A chance to be happy? So long as it is something that can still earn them some money and is decent enough then why not?? WHY NOT?!

2. Imposing their beliefs/opinions on their children: This happens a lot. A child is rarely allowed to have his/her own opinions. So a father would tell his son, ‘A real man marries from his own tribe’ or ‘A real woman should know how to carry firewood on her back’…This and that and that..Opinions are fine but imposing them on someone else is what is wrong. What if your son would love to marry someone from a different far-off culture, does it make him any less a man? What if your daughter knows how to sew clothes instead of carrying firewood, what do we label her? As much as we’d love our children to think in a certain way or to be our copies, it is wrong to force to them think in a certain way. The best a parent can do is advise. If a child follows their own path despite your words, they’ll be the ones to face the consequences of their actions; whether good or bad. Let your children fly. If they bump into a tree and fall down, they’ll come back to you crying and seeking your wisdom. Yet still, don’t cut their wings. You can’t protect them from the word, you can only guide and pray for them.

3. Forcing/Pressurizing them into marriages: ‘I got married at 18, you are 28 and you are still single’ ‘I was a father at your age’ ‘This is the best bride you could get’. I get it, parents get worried about their children; where they are headed to, whom they’ll have a family with, whether they’ll settle down like their mates or not. We get it. It is a scary world and it’s natural for them to be worried or desire to take control of their matters. But the reality is that your son/daughter is the one who will live with that person, that it is them who will handle the responsibilities, that it is them who will live that life. At least give them the chance to choose their paths; what time they decide they are ready to settle and who they want to settle with. Don’t make them any less human for not not being married yet or for not wanting the person you chose for them.

4. Comparing them with other children: This includes comparison amongst siblings. We are all built differently, with different personalities and different emotions within us. We experience the same things differently and different things the same way. We come from different backgrounds and the words we use in our home could be banned in yours. Your child could start speaking at two years and another at four. Your child and your neighbours’ could go to the same school since kindergarten and live in the same environment, yet they’d still perform differently and have different opinions. That is how it is, even for siblings living under the same roof with the same parents. We are different. Parents tend to make this mistake to always compare their children with others. It could be in performance, achievements, beauty, neatness, skills…anything really. Yet this is how they slowly ruin their childrens’ self esteem from a very tender age.

5. Getting children mixed up with adult problems: This is in the case of divorce or separation or just parents having frequent fights amongst themselves. Many times the parents never consider the effects of these fights on their children. Many children from broken families end up having trust issues or being depressed or unable to commit to any relationship. Parents would fight over custody of children, make them choose whom they want to live with, keep repeating to them how their other parent is worthless or is a bad parent, comparing the bad habits of the children to their other parent and so on. Children end up being exposed to unnecessary drama and chaos, traumatizing them psychologically and the effects would be seen way into their adulthood.

6. Rarely showing appreciation: A child could be responsible, obedient, hardworking…but the parent would never take a minute to praise them or show them appreciation or tell them how worthy they are. But once this same child does a mistake, he/she would be lectured, insulted and maybe even not spoken to. There is no balance and as such, the child ends up feeling worthless despite everything else good that they do.

7. Absent parents: These are the worst. Because you can barely tell if these children have parents or not. They are either too busy working, or too busy fighting, or too busy travelling, or too busy with their own business, they rarely have time for their children. They could be providing for them their basic needs but they don’t offer the emotional connection they desperately need. Sometimes they are forced to take up responsibilities, bigger than their age to cover for their parents’ absenteeism. This sometimes leads to the children seeking love or any emotional bond elsewhere to compensate for what they lack.

8. Never involving children in family decisions: It all starts with the small things. If a parent involves his/her child in decision making with regards to the house issues, then the child automatically feels valued. Even if it is by asking them what food to cook today or what colour they think will be best if painted in the room. The child feels that his opinions and thoughts are welcomed, wanted and appreciated. Even if their suggestions won’t be accepted, the children will still feel proud and their confidence will obviously boost. Yet what happens when the opposite happens? A child gets home and is just informed that the next day they are moving to another town. A child gets home and his father has traveled abroad without a word. A child gets home and some of his clothes have been given out. As much as parents have the right to do whatever they want in their homes, it does certainly have an impact on a child with regards to whether or not he was informed/involved or asked his opinion. Unfortunately we tend to think asking for children’s opinions is too Western but children often surprise us with their thoughts. And it is by these small decisions that children get to assume how much their opinions are valued or not.

9. Never supporting their ventures: So your child decided to open a furniture shop instead of the tiles shop you wanted them to. You decide you won’t support them. In fact, why talk to them even? They disobeyed me. But maybe your child believes that this will work out better for them. Maybe they love dealing with furniture and decors. Maybe this is a risk they must take for them to know what they are capable of. Sometimes all a parents needs to do is show support despite the differences in opinions. One can’t say the support doesn’t matter. It definitely does. One becomes more confident when they know they have their family backing them up.

10. Parents who are too proud to accept their mistakes: Indeed we are all human beings with so many flaws. Parents sacrifice and do a lot to ensure their children have good, stable lives. No one can delete or ignore their efforts. However, parents sometimes ignore their own wrongdoings and mistakes despite them having an impact on their children. They wouldn’t accept they are wrong when they publicly embarrass their children for lack of some skills, they wouldn’t accept their mistakes when their children’s teacher complains of their absenteeism to the parents’ meetings. They wouldn’t accept they are wrong when they demoralize their own children or when they send their young children to buy them weed. So first they make the mistake and second, they demand that no one questions the way they raise their children. Having stubborn parents like that, a child may end up having low self esteem, or have the wrong view of life or themselves. The child may end up thinking that accepting mistakes means one is weak, so they follow suit. There are many ways in which this could affect a child.

As much as we love and respect our parents, maybe it is high time we said it out loud that many are the reason their children are undergoing depression or being constantly sad. They also play a role in silencing the screams from within due to the children’s’ fear. Maybe it is high time we are open about these things so that maybe, just maybe, the future generations can have better, understanding parents. Ameen!

P.S. I dare you to try talking to your parents about what’s stressing and eating you up. You never know. You just never know. It could be your gateway to a healthier relationship with them. Plus, they could help you through your dark times, who knows?!

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Creative Non-Fiction

MATERIALISM: FOR THE LOVE OF WEALTH

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N.B: This essay was initially submitted to Islamic Online University, Department of Psychology (with a few additions). It is thus subjected to copyright. Enjoy!

There is a reason why we all love to see ‘SALE!’ on our favourite shopping malls or anywhere really; it means buying, buying and more buying. There is some sort of excitement that comes with shopping and an ego-inflating thrill of owning it afterwards when we buy things we want, even when not really needed. We often confuse this short-term spark of endorphins and dopamine to be happiness until the stuff we have bought lay around for some while and we realize it wasn’t such a big deal anyway. This leads to further acquisition of other materials so as to acquire the same kind of elation once again. When we become too engrossed in the consuming habit and making it a priority, we end up being materialistic people.

Belk (1984) describes materialism as “The importance a consumer attaches to worldly possessions” and “possessions assume a central place in a person’s life and are believed to provide the greatest sources of satisfaction and dissatisfaction”.

Advertisers play a big role in influencing materialism. Advertisements eat away at people’s happiness and erode the general satisfaction they have with what they already own. It makes people feel inadequate and sometimes tamper with their self-worth and in return, brainwash them into buying ‘happiness’ or items that would make them feel better about themselves.

Unhappiness unfortunately generates a need for material possessions and more wealth. For this reason, unhappiness and materialism reinforce each other; materialism breeds unhappiness and vice versa. (Akers, n.d.) This has been depicted in TV shows, movies and many other online posts where unhappy or depressed people go for shopping in pursuit of extinguishing the emptiness or pain within them. In retrospective, people who frequently watch these TV shows and consume the media a lot, end up believing that materialism is an effective and spontaneous way to acquire happiness.

While many have fallen victim of materialism in pursuit of happiness, another plausible explanation as to why people continue to purchase materialistic goods is the social comparison theory (Festinger, 1948). By the social comparison theory we refer to how people often compare themselves to their peers, friends and family. Trying too hard to fit in, people go an extra mile to purchase, acquire and own things that sometimes don’t work with their current income or savings. Some take huge debts and some misplace their priorities for the same. This might grant them social acceptance and to be regarded from a certain class, it doesn’t grant them happiness or inner peace.

Materialism has adverse effects on the minds and happiness of people. The first thing is that, materialism causes erosion of moral values. When a person puts a great importance to money and worldly possessions, they tend to give up most of their moral values to get what they want. Sometimes they lose their sense of right and wrong and become too pre-occupied in gaining what they yearn for. They become selfish, envious and too aggressive in being discontent with themselves and what they possess. An example of this is when people indulge in disgusting sexual relations just to acquire wealth and status or when they turn against their own friends and family and commit injustice to take wealth from them.

People tend to be blinded with greed once they taste the thrill of materialism. They want more and more and they’d overcome all limits to get what they want. Some people go to the extent of committing murder and breaking the law just to acquire the things they want. It becomes like a dangerous addiction where one no longer cares what they have to do, to get these worldly possessions.

Consumerism may breed narcissistic personalities. According to psychologist Tim Kasser, narcissists turn to actions of arrogance and are very concerned with issues regarding their worth to other people. They turn to other people for self-assurance. Materialism affects the mind in the same way.

Narcissists’ desire for external validation fits well with the conception of materialistic values as extrinsic and focused on others’ praise. They seek power and prestige to cover their inner feelings of emptiness and low self-worth. People in consumerism driven cultures believe their worth as a person is measured by how much stuff they own. As such, it is quite expected that a materialistic person may turn out to be narcissistic as well.

With all the moral values gone, it becomes very difficult for a materialistic person to have healthy relationships with other people. Their entire world revolves around money, wealthy people and how to gain more. As such, they rarely have time to make proper connections and to be compassionate with other beings. Materialism has been proven to be one of the reasons for lower marital quality and unhappiness in marriages.

With all the social media channels that we have, life couldn’t be harder for teenagers and young adults. They spend hours online scrolling and admiring how their peers and their idols seem to be spending and ‘being happy’. There are new trends coming up every other day and keeping up with it all becomes too overwhelming. Society pressures them to ‘look cool’ and keep up with these trends so as to fit in. This makes some of them fall into depression or to be manipulative so as to acquire what they want. Materialism in teens could also lead to self-esteem issues and bullying, because they are pressured into buying these things and are often teased if they don’t.
The alarming mistake we are making is allowing ourselves to believe that material possessions will enhance our well-being and the quality of our lives. Despite this being a wrong belief, it is widely embraced by both the poor and the rich.

Our deen, Islam has set for us the perfect way of living and if followed, most of the agony and pain we inflict on ourselves wouldn’t be available. As much as we as Muslims are encouraged to seek better and comfortable livelihoods, there are limits to everything. Material possessions are regarded as secondary to moral and spiritual development of human personality. We therefore are to strive for the hereafter more than the temporary worldly possessions.

To effectively deal with materialism, a Muslim can adopt the following principles as established by Allah (S.W.) in the qur’an and by the prophet (P.B.U.H).

1. Focusing on the purpose of this dunya: Allah (S.W) clearly states in the qur’an: “And this life of the world is nothing but a sport and play; and as for the next abode, that most surely is the life, did they but know.” (Surah Al Ankabut: 29: 64) This life is temporary and when we die, everything we ever possessed becomes for those we live behind. This should motivate us to strive for the hereafter which is eternal.

If the purpose of life is to become wealthy, there would be no purpose after becoming wealthy. Many people yearn to become wealthy with the thought that this is what will give them happiness and satisfaction of this life, however, when they attain the wealth, the reality dawns on them that materials can never fulfil them. This eventually leads to feelings of despair and depression.

The true purpose of our existence is to worship Allah (S.W) and to seek his pleasure and if we follow His path, then this dunya wouldn’t mean so much to us. We would focus on attaining jannah in the hereafter where we will attain the true happiness and bliss.

2. Being content (Having qan’a3a): Prophet Muhammed (saws) said, “Riches does not mean having a great amount of property; real wealth is self-contentment.” Sahih Bukhari. For us to be content we need to look at those below us and not those above us. We should buy what we need and not just want. We should be content with Allah has given us without being greedy. This will set the limits on how much one seeks to spend on material world.

3. Acting selflessly and giving charity: When we look outward and strive to help other people, the more we become happy and content with our own lives. Allah (S.W) says: “If you offer up to God a goodly loan, He will amply repay you for it, and will forgive you your sins: for God is ever responsive to gratitude, forbearing.” We should feel empathy for the poor and know that they have rights on our excess money. The benefits of sadaqah have been mentioned in many ayahs and hadith and they act as a good shield from materialism.

4. Avoiding Israf: Imam Jafar Sadiq (as) said: “If a son of Adam (as) possessed two vast valleys wherein gold and silver flowed, he would still wish to search for the third one.” This shows how weak we are as human beings when it comes to wealth. Nonetheless, Allah (S.W) warns us, “…and eat and drink and be not extravagant; surely He does not love the extravagant.” (Surah al-Ar’āf 7:31)

5. Showing gratitude to Allah (S.W): Allah promises us in the qur’an that if we are grateful He will indeed increase His favours upon us. Showing gratitude is beneficial for our souls for it makes us appreciate what we are granted and be content with it.

From all the above, we can see there is no direct correlation between income and happiness. Wealth may help in improvement of quality of life but even so, once the basic needs are met, wealth makes very little difference to one’s overall well-being and sense of happiness. In fact, extremely wealthy people actually suffer from higher rates of depression.

In conclusion, materialism has proven to be a dreadful disease in our current society and for us to be truly happy in this life, we need to follow our shariah and sunnah that gives us the right way to live well in this dunya.

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Creative Non-Fiction

NOT ALL THE MEN ARE THE SAME

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At our home, we have a wooden door that has two stickers. The words on it are: ‘Father means you are taking care of your children. Husband means you are taking care of your wife. You are accepting the responsibilities of manhood. -Malcolm X’ Both stickers have the same words; one sticker at the top of the door and the other at the middle. You know, in case the man walking in is short or tall, we have you sorted. The words are for you. Coming from a family blessed with daughters, this set the bar for all of us. Our father taught us what being a good father and husband means and our mother taught us to never settle for less than what we truly deserve or make us happy.

Being a naturally observant person, I came to realize how appealing this theory of ‘All men are the same’ is. We do have some significant characteristics that you’d find in men; most men or all men but there’s still a difference. And sometimes the differences are so big you’d think some are men from different clay. Perhaps one lot is made from clay blue marble and another from soft clay and maybe another from kaolin? Only God knows. Like you know, the easiest example is say ‘All men like football’ or cars or even play station. While significantly many of them do, several others don’t. A lady will most probably assume this man she just met likes football because well that’s the norm, until she realizes he doesn’t. So when men mess up and then another messes up, its so easy to put the pieces as one and put them into the same basket. As we say in Kiswahili, ‘yai moja likioza yote yaoza’ and that’s how we just take it.

There is a fairly elderly man that I know, who twenty years after his marriage, still treats his wife like a queen. When it gets to 12 noon, you’d see him drop everything to go pick his wife for lunch and when he is running late, he would literally panic. In your mind you’s think perhaps his wife is the dominant, intimidating kind but no. His wife is so quiet, so reserved. So it has nothing to do with a woman ‘kumkalia chapati’. The man just loves and respects his wife. This is twenty years later my friend, not within one or two years or within the honeymoon period. I also know of another man who lets his wife run all the financial matters in the house, investments and all the projects that they handle together. It is not a matter of control or a competition on who is man enough or a feminist. It’s all a matter of the respect two people decide to give each other and how far their trust goes. These are just two examples but there are several good men out there; responsible husbands, great fathers and role models for their children. Men who know how to be kind and compassionate to their families. Well, where does this brand of men come from? Different type of clay?

Some time back this one man married the woman he loved. She was beautiful. You know the modern society ‘beautiful’? That high bar classification of modern beauty? Yes she was that beautiful. She is from a noble family with hair to her waist. You’d think love and beauty will be enough to keep a marriage together but it rarely does. Years down the line, the man is seated across the room from where I am seated, praising his third wife after divorcing the other two. Speaking of how his current loves him and spends on him as he shows off the gifts. I then remember his first wife. The woman tried. God knows she did all she could to ensure he never looks or marries another woman. Yet she didn’t succeed. Despite all her strengths and her good traits. I am not being judgmental because only God and them know why the previous marriages didn’t work but I just think of this poor lady rejoicing over her new catch and probably doing all she can to ensure he doesn’t go anywhere else. But we all know the truth don’t we? That a man can’t be kept. He chooses to stay. A man can’t be changed. He chooses to change himself. I do sincerely wish this lady and this man that their happiness lasts but them aside, we know that the reality is more cruel than that. We know there’s only so much a woman can do to make her husband love her and stay with her.

A man can’t be bought into settling down. A man can’t be seduced by beauty if he decides not to care about that specific beauty. You could be the most humble human being, best manners and the ideal wife. You could do all the tricks they mention on the internet and relationship books. Yet if this man decides not to look at you or care about you and your children then that’s just it. If he ever changes then it is because it was his personal choice to appreciate what you do for him. You could have the curves all men crave for but he could still decide to cheat on you. So no honey. Men are not the same. Another kind of man, another breed, the one made from the other special kind of clay wouldn’t make you feel inferior or mock you in any way even if your face is full of pimples and acne or you gained a little more weight this month. He wouldn’t humiliate you in front of your children just because you aren’t such a good cook. He would strive to be better so both of you can both grow financially, spiritually and mentally. If a man truly loves his wife, he’d go out of his way to ensure things work. You think this is too fairy taley? No its not. Our society has just put the wrong idea of marriage and love and family in our heads, when a man acts right, it is so unusual for us, we think the woman has done something to him.

There are many kinds of men out there. Some who are hard like rocks and stern like robots. They wouldn’t even ask your opinion on which school to take your own child. And there are men whose compassion fluctuates like their mood swings. Today they decide to be kind and treat their wives like queens and the next day they decide spending time at home is unmanly so he’d rather go at the baraza to sit idly with friends. And there are men who make their wives their partners and they communicate efficiently and work to build their marriages just like they build their careers. And there are those who live like bachelors despite having a wife waiting for them at home. And some are just dead beat fathers. Those who are joyful and charming to the entire world except his wife and children. And there are those who are like the butterflies; they fly to the flower for pollination and once its done, they go for more attractive flowers. Others just marry to have someone cook and wash their clothes and take care of their needs. And there are those who trust their wives to the extent of handing them their passwords and bank pins and allow them to have a say in everything. It goes on and on. All you could ever do as a woman is pray to have a proper man who will raise proper children who in turn will be proper sons and future fathers.

The world is not just black and white. Its the same with men.

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Coast & Culture

IN THE NAME OF HUMANITY

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Photos by: Husna Lali (& a few from the Mombasa Toa Donge Lako Page)

There are some things, moments and people you are definitely never going to forget, like beautiful sunsets, the best meal you ever had, laughter until you cried and long-term friendships. It is not about who or what exactly they are but rather what they made you feel and how they changed your perspective on life or maybe just made you take a step back and review your life with new eyes. Charity is one of those things. Your heart swells with joy as you see the the spark in their eyes, as they pull you into their arms for a hug, tears already formed, a half smile and many unspoken words. You see all the emotions mixing on their faces like paint. Perhaps you may never get to understand how big your help is to them, but they do and sometimes even words can’t fully describe emotions. It could be happiness on their side, faith in humanity, hope and gratitude. And on your side it is joy, satisfaction, contentment and food for thought. You have made a difference in someone’s life and that precise moment may never be recaptured in the same exact way ever again.

Last Sunday, 20/5/18, marked a new wonderful experience with the Mombasa Toa Donge Lako community group. We started our trip from Mombasa all the way to the interior most parts of Kilifi, visiting orphanages and mosques that truly deserve help. It was a long trip full of excitement, laughter, extremely silent moments, feeling the saum pangs moments 😀 and fatigue. Yet all one could say at the end of it all is that it was entirely worth it.

This was really an eye-opening experience which exposed me to a world I had only heard about. Children and orphans living in small houses, squeezing themselves in the tiny beds with very thin mattresses or none at all, with leaking roofs, torn clothes and empty stomachs. Children having to walk a distance of around forty five minutes to one hour to school and madrassa every single day. These same children who can’t even afford one uniform to keep them at school. People who have to walk for two hours to get to the nearest clinic. People who don’t even know what three meals are. People who live in very deserted places such that you could have an emergency and die alone in your house without anyone hearing your screams and cries.

I have been to orphanages before but this was different. This was like a different world entirely. Cracked land, brownish water, malnourished children, children parenting other children, children going into the bushes and far distances for firewood every single day. Yet that is their daily life. Many of them probably have no idea of how other people live out there or maybe they do, yet still appreciate their own lives. It is a blessing of some sorts because they are so engrossed in their own livelihoods and their struggles, they barely have time to start comparing themselves with other people or to complain of how they couldn’t afford a tuktuk to Mwembe Tayari from Kibokoni today. Their children carry responsibilities beyond their age and they grow up before their right time. And we wonder how very old grandmas from these areas are still very strong and continue to manage the affairs of their homes…this is because they are a product of struggle, endurance and patience. Indeed God only gives you what you can handle.

Our convoy of vehicles included a Dola Truck, Dreamline bus, Istiqama bus and two personal cars with a total of 94 people, all in the name of humanity. I couldn’t say there’s a better convoy. This was until the Dreamline bus carrying the ladies, broke down after two institutions and unfortunately they had to cut short their trip and go back to Mombasa.

Most people in the Kilifi interior areas keep swapping between religions, switching to what is convenient for their livelihoods. Poverty levels are so high and Islamic faith and knowledge is very little. As such, they confess that most of them change religions according to those who stand by them. When Christian missionaries go and preach and provide food, they become Christians. And when Muslims go to them, they switch again. They are naive and mostly helpless due to their living conditions. They don’t even have electricity poles apart from some few places closer to the Kilifi town itself. Some of these places use lamps during the night and taraweh prayers while some imams have to use phone torches to give them some light.The Muslim women lack modest clothing so they just wear whatever they have, their toilets are in a sad state and the mats in their mosques and madrasas are totally worn out. Some of these places got well wishers who built the masjids and madrasas but most of the times it is a one time thing where they do khairat, finish it then leave. As such, their day to day problems of food shortages and high poverty levels remain the same.

Below are some of the places we visited during the trip:

Markaz Rayyan-Mtondia, Kilifi

Madrasatul SSalam- Mtsanganyiko, Kilifi

Masjid Taqwa- Kazandani

Masjid Sakina-Ganze, Kwakumbo

Masjid Istiqama-Mwapula

Masjid Ali-Mdangarani

And lastly was in Mombasa: Anfaal Intergrated- Bamburi and Island Girls-Bombolulu

During the last places we visited, we were quite in a hurry because of the time and the long way back ahead of us and for that, only a few snaps were captured.

Below is a slideshow of some of these places:

Some of the things I learnt from this trip is:

# There are so many people out there who really deserve our help yet we are even oblivious of their struggles and livelihoods.

#There is a lot that still needs to be done in terms of daawah especially in the villages.

#Appreciation of the people who actually take such long trips just to do charity. It takes a big heart to sacrifice their leisure time to endure a tiresome trip and help other people.

#The rizq that is meant for you will still get to you even if you are at the end of the world.

#God doesn’t give you a problem unless you can handle it.

#Travel to see and appreciate the world.

#If you think you are having the worst life, reach out to more people and see for yourself.

#Gratitude is essential ALWAYS.

#If we want to restore faith in humanity then we need to do charity more often and more sincerely.

#If you don’t focus on someone’s ‘greener side’, you might actually succeed in making your own garden beautiful.

#Breaking the fast in front of a breath-taking sunset (this was at Vipingo while others ate mangoes for iftar 😀 ) is one of the best things.

If you feel you want to take part in such trips and have your own experience, I have good news for you.

27/5/18– Mombasa Toa Donge lako will be heading to the west for the same charity course covering areas ike Jomvu, Miritini, Kaloleni and Mariakani.

3/6/18– The group will be heading to Likoni Mtongwe, Ukunda, Mswambweni, Gasi in Kwale all the way to Wasini Islands.

10/6/18– There will be a grand iftaar where orphans are fed as well.

You don’t really want to miss at least one of these events. It is a very interesting experience with lots of thawabs biidhnillah and since it is Ramadhan, expect more rewards. Ameen.

To participate in the trips or to donate or for inquiries, you can contact Laabied Mohammed Gucharan at 0706 591 911

May Allah bless everyone who facilitated and participated in the trip, those who donated, those who volunteered, those who helped in any way, those who prayed for its success and even those whose hearts wished to be present. May Allah accept our deeds and grant us His Mercy and guidance. Ameen.

P.S Please do include me in your duas!

And please subscribe to my blog as well 🙂

Ramadhan Mubarak 🙂

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Deen (Religion)

THINKING OUT LOUD: HIJAB & BEING IN DENIAL

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Image Courtesy: https://standup4islam.wordpress.com

Can we think of this scenario together please? Yes, thank you for your undivided attention.

So, we all know that Mombasa has been having high crime rates in the recent years right? The youth gangs, mapangas and all the radical groups. Yet if you ask anyone, they’ll tell you that Nairobi is the scariest and most dangerous place in this regard. Isn’t it why we call it Nairobbery? Whether you are in Mombasa or Nairobi, there is a probability that you might actually be attacked or robbed in either places right? But you’d still take extra precautions to safeguard yourself when in Nairobi than in Mombasa, am I wrong? Great. We agree till this point. Naturally, this is the logical way to deal with these two scenarios according to the threat.

Now that scenario aside, here is a totally different scenario. I have seen this quote several times and I feel it is very deep. It goes like this:
“Was it really my fault?” asked the short skirt.
“No, it happened with me too,” replied the burqa.

It is very very deep and what we can stipulate from this quote is that:
#Rape is real.
#Anyone can be a rape victim despite their religion, their age, their looks, their clothing, their race or their lifestyle. Whether you wear rags and live in the streets or are a classy, married woman in your home, rape could get to you.
#We are in a cruel, evil and ugly world. This is our reality.

I mean, this is such a messed up world we are in at the moment. So messed up. We have people marrying their dogs and incest seems normal. How more messed up can it be than it already is really? We have people raping 5 month old babies and 98 year old men. Yes, men are raped too. We are lost and a twisted society.

Now that we have known we live in a perverted world, what are the chances that the one in a burqa will be raped compared to the one wearing provocatively?

The truth is, chances may be close to 50-50 because rapists are just rapists. They just go with how their self drives them. And that’s how scary it is. Nonetheless, wouldn’t you try at least do whatever you can, to not provoke unnecessary emotions in the man across the street?

Scientifically, men have as much as 20 times more testosterone in their systems than women. This makes men typically aggressive, dominant and more narrowly focused on the physical aspects of sex. They say that in men, the dominant perceptual sense is vision, which is typically not the case with women. In a situation where a woman sees a potential relationship/marriage in a man, he sees her physical features and what he can do to her. Yep, lust is the word. Now, this obviously doesn’t justify when men misbehave towards women but at least we are enlightened that men are naturally inclined to women unlike the magnitude women are inclined to men. It is definitely not the same.

Daleel in the qur’an? Allah (S.W) says in surat Al-Imran: {Beautified for men is the love of things they covet (desire); women, children, much of gold and silver (wealth), branded beautiful horses, cattle and well-tilled land. This is the pleasure of the present world’s life; but Allah has the excellent return (Paradise with flowing rivers, etc.) with Him.} So women are like gems in the eyes of men and this is mentioned in many hadiths, ayats which state that women are for men. Have you seen anywhere in the holy books where it is written on how men are a gift for the women or anything of the sort? No. Because women are the gifts, they are the ones who are precious. This is also why the man has to pay dowry when he wants to marry a lady. She is his gem. Not the other way round. We women hold a high status because yes, a man can’t do without a woman. It was why our mother Hawa (R.A.A) was brought into this world; for Adam. Not Adam being brought for Hawa. Are you getting the picture? I hope so.

I am just trying to break this down into small bits so we can stay on the same page.

From the scientific fact mentioned and the ayah up there, do we finally see the wisdom why Allah (S.W.) to cover herself entirely while the man is asked to cover only what is between his knees and belly button? Yes, because men are never going to change any time soon. They’ll still stare at you and there is a high probability your daughter will be cat-called and her daughter too. They are naturally and biologically inclined to look at you and flirt and just try to sweep you away. It is not right. It definitely isn’t but the reality is that our world is perverted and with social media being here, immorality will remain a challenge for a long time. The few good men who actually observe self-control and respect women, doesn’t mean their testosterone is any less, it just means they made a choice to behave appropriately (cheers to the good men aye?)

Getting to my point now, dear fellow Muslim ladies, don’t you think we have a responsibility to actually TRY and not provoke these beastly men? Back to the Mombasa/Nairobi example. Don’t we think our dressing does have an effect to a certain extent on how men react towards us?

I am sorry but I don’t really agree with ‘my dress, my choice’ because one, it puts our worldly pleasures ahead of what Allah has actually asked from us. Do you think the ladies who observe proper hijab don’t wish sometimes they could also doll themselves up and share their images with the world and get praises? That is a natural desire…yet they swallow it up and just laugh when people tell them they look like hababas in their jilbabs and all other kinds of jokes and mockery. It is a struggle for them too yet they still choose deen over dunya. Number two, we tend to forget that our actions do have consequences. Would you rather have a strange man staring at you with your body curves exposed or with you in a full hijab? Rape and harassment aside, we know that that is beyond our control and as said earlier, sometimes you could get raped either way. But still, wouldn’t you feel a little bit safer, even if just a tiny bit, safer being in a burqa and he can’t really see you as YOU with all your curves and all that? I intentionally highlighted the word ‘strange man’ because however much you think you know someone; this man who could even be your relative, you just never know when they might actually turn against you. This includes a father, an uncle or even a brother. So yes, they are still strange men and that’s why despite us being allowed to be comfortably dressed in front of our mahrams, there is still a limit on how much they should see and a level of modesty to observe. A man is still a man at the end of the day and satan doesn’t take a break just because these are people too close to you. The only who man who won’t be a stranger to you is your husband who rightfully deserves to see you.

You know what’s the saddest part of this story? We are denial. We are in denial that our actions have consequences. We are in denial that we are going wrong. Just to set this straight, I am in the least bit appropriate to talk about the perfect and proper hijab because I also know I am not exactly there. But I also know that this is a concern that we should talk about. My dear sister, when you share your photos of yourself without hijab or an improper dressing, you don’t get to complain when men misbehave because both you and the man are in the wrong. You provoked him, he misbehaved. Both are wrong. So you don’t get to remove the blame from yourself…at least not entirely. And when a fellow lady comes up to you and humbly (I said humbly) asks you about your hijab or advises you about your improper dressing, you say, ‘You can’t judge me. Only God can.’

Where we go wrong is not just the sinning, it is the exposing the sin and bringing God into the equation by saying only He can judge you. Sinning is one thing and exposing our sins is another. We all sin in our different ways and perhaps at this point you don’t observe the right hijab. That is fine sister. Strive to be a better human being. Pray a lot and get closer to Allah. But you deciding to expose it with the justification that only God should judge you, is you being in denial that your actions have consequences. The prophet peace be upon him said, as stated in sahih Bukhari,
“All of my ummah (nation of followers) will be excused, except for the mujaahireen (those who make their sins known). And verily it is a kind of mujaaharah (exposing one’s sins) that a man does something (sinful) at night, and then in the morning, when Allaah has screened his sin for him, he says, ‘Hey So-and-So! I did such-and-such last night…’ And the night passed with His Lord screening him, and he wakes up casting aside the screen of Allaah from himself.”

We all trip, we all make mistakes…why are we so quick to attack anyone who comes to us to correct us? Why are so bitter to anyone who actually just wants the best for us? We sin, we expose the sin…fine. Someone comes to us in a good way and shows us how we are losing our sense of direction yet we backlash them and criticize them publicly because ‘they are being judgmental’

If one is an influencer,the situation becomes even worse because several people amongst the followers who look up to them would regard their actions and words as bible truth and imitate them because they are the role models. Imagine on yaumul qiyamah seeing yourself with a lot of bad deeds, not because you did them but because you did them and influenced other people to follow your footsteps. That said, I really appreciate social media influencers who actually speak out about their hijab (or any other) of their struggles openly and they don’t deny they are in the wrong, instead, the say openly how they are trying to change and become better individuals such that their followers don’t get a twisted view and do the wrong as well.

We need to accept our mistakes. We need to stop being in denial and accept that our actions have consequences. We have a choice here; whether to be Muslimahs who sin but are striving to change and be better or Muslimahs who sin, expose and justify their sins. (This applies to men too)

That said, if you see me tripping, girl, please find me. Please tell me. Please splash water on my face and widen my eyes. Knock my head hard if I become rebellious and reject the truth. I do want someone to love and care for me enough to show me when I am going wrong. Because yes, those who care for you truly will always try to lead you to what is right.

P.S I know this article will probably provoke some bitterness and anger, so here’s my apology in advance. It is not because I am perfect or being judgmental; it is only out of my deep concern on this matter that I write this. It is also okay if you don’t agree with my ‘thinking out loud’, let us agree to disagree. May Allah guide us all, ameen.

The Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) conveyed to us something of the previous prophets’ messages, that “If you have no shame, then do as you wish!”

I rest my case.

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