Category

Mental Health


Because it is not just in your head. It is REAL.

Category
Guest Posts

ATTACHMENT THEORY

By

If you read my post without sending me money then you are a thief. You might as well throw a brick through my window and loot the place. Only joking, I do this for love because I have integrity. I press important issues in our society today to help you understand how other people think and work 🙂

I think one of the most shocking things I learned from my friends was how open some of them were with their own parents. It just baffled me when I would sit and listen to a friend talk about how he could express his emotions to his parents and get a ton of encouragement and support. I just had to sit there and pretend like my mind wasn’t being blown at the concept of people talking to their parents about things.

I have only a few friends who have had their own difficulties with their parents who understand the circumstances. I have a Nigerian friend who says his parents were super strict and it has really affected his social life as an adult. Even at 30 years old, he finds it extremely hard to connect (romantically) with other people. When I opened up to the woman who I thought loved me about all this, she cut me off claiming she isn’t my therapist.

The questions are; Does our childhood affect our adulthood? Is it easier to love and nurture a child than to ‘fix’ an adult with attachment issues? Is opening up a sign of weakness? 

There have been studies that show how a traumatic childhood (parental divorce, child abuse, death of one or both parents) can literally change neural pathways of a child’s brain forever. The attachment theory argues that the attachment patterns we experience as children impact us in powerful ways throughout our lives. Many of us who experienced an insecure attachment will go on to create strained, hurtful or painful experience in later relationships. The good news is, as adults, it’s possible to develop earned secure attachment. Blaming your parents or yourself will not change anything. We can only learn as much as we can from our past and try to move forward positively, learn how to actively work against actions that show broken attachment. At some point, others may even be quite interested to know how we became so loving and caring. If all fails we can always seek professional help. 

Another opinion is that it is the fault of society, that as Plato said, “people don’t mean to hate each other.” It happens because they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a vacation or struggling to pay for their second homes. Everyone has issues, it’s only that one person’s issues are different from the others.

You know I would love to continue with this but i have to go and appeal for money since I don’t get any funding. ? My closing statement: You who hold children dear, look after the little ones or forever in the world they will feel lost. Their happiness lies in your hands. 

Attachment theory is a psychological, evolutionary and ethological theory concerning relationships between humans. The most important tenet of attachment theory is that a young child needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally.

by
Keep Reading
Guest Posts

AMBIVALENCE

By

We live in a society in which opinions, options, and information are proliferating everywhere, and ambivalence is on the rise. Which of these 15 brands of toothpaste do I prefer and why? Facebook turns on analogue emotions into binary oppositions: you either “like” something or you don’t. Self help books command us to be happy. Just the other day, a good friend of mine came running to me tormented by his own ambivalence. He loves both his girlfriends with all his heart. The questions are;is it possible to love two people equally at the same time? or love and hate someone or something at the same time? When you are of two minds about something, how do you “negotiate” between them? Is ambivalence awesome or is it awful? In these times that I don’t know what I want; perhaps I don’t want what I know and want what I don’t know. We are the ambivalents; unable to see both sides of the arguments, frozen in no-mans-land between armies of true believers, no ballot allows you to vote for competing candidates, no questionnaire in which you can just tick the box. So we avoid the question or check “I don’t know”, or grit our teeth and pick a side.

A member of the uncertainty lab noted that our metaphors for ambivalence are rooted in our body: we say, on the one hand, on the other hand.” And we “feel torn” before taking a stand. The trouble is, the human mind hates uncertainty and protests the dissonance that arises when two seemingly opposed thoughts or feelings that exist at once.

The world is an overstimulating, potentially overwhelming place n our brains are designed to filter, reduce and simplify. But when it is our own internal experience, our brains are attempting to simplify and we put ourselves at emotional risk.

Personally I’d prefer that my ultimate decision, come from my highest noblest self. But at the same time I don’t want to make a choice that could lead to feeling deprived, exploited or unfulfilled. In such situations, even though the inevitable post-decision ambivalence can never be 100% resolved, it is usually mostly resolved through the well known phenomenon of cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive Dissonance (CD) plays a major role in value judgments, decisions, and evaluations. Becoming aware of how conflicting beliefs impact decision making process is a great way to improve your ability to make faster and more accurate choices. It is a matter of determining and perhaps more from the heart than the head which deserve to be given high priority; or weighted more heavily. Any personally satisfying conclusion must offer the individual the best possible affirmation of self.

*Ambivalence: The state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

*Cognitive Dissonance: In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the experience of psychological stress that occurs when a person holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, values, or participates in an action that goes against one of these three.

by
Keep Reading
Mental Health

THE LANGUAGE OF COMPASSION DURING CONFLICT

By

Most people underestimate the power of words and language in our daily lives and how it eventually influences the path we tread on. In the heat of a moment, sometimes we say what we don’t mean, and think that ‘sorry’ will suffice at the end of the day. But what if, just what if, we decided to be more careful with what and how we speak in the first place? How can we still show love and compassion towards our partners and family during a conflict?

Doctor Gottman, an American psychological researcher and clinician who did extensive work over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability, founded ‘The Love Lab’. He is known for his 90% accuracy in predicting divorce and has provided us with four primary predictors of divorce called ‘ Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse‘. These four are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  

Criticism: When someone criticizes their partner, it implies that something is wrong with them or that you are attacking their character. In this case, one focuses on winning the argument or proving the partner wrong. For example, when you say, ‘You never do this…’, ‘Why are you like this…’, ‘You’re always….’, the spouse feels attacked and elicits a defensive response. The right way is to make a complaint about your spouse’s behaviour and not attack their personality. For example, when X happened, I felt Y, and I need Z.

Contempt: This is the worst predictor of divorce. Contempt is any statement of nonverbal behavior that puts you on a higher ground than your partner. This could be mocking your partner, calling him/her names, hostile humour, hurtful sarcasm etc. It attacks your spouse’s sense of self. It is also intended to put down or emotionally abuse or manipulate him or her. Instead, the couple should build a culture of respect, appreciation, tolerance and kindness in the relationship.

Defensiveness: This is an attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a countercomplaint. Another way is to act like a victim or whine. This can look like making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way). Saying things like “It’s not my fault,” or “I didn’t …” can also be cross-complaining, such as meeting your partner’s complaint or criticism with a complaint of your own or ignoring what your partner said. Couples are expected to take a moment, slow down and listen attentively to what their partner is saying without interrupting them. The point is: have conscious communication where you are both trying to understand what the other is saying and choosing the right way to respond.

Stonewalling: The silent treatment. Storming out. Shutting down. Changing the subject. Complete withdrawal from communication. All these are acts of stonewalling. It is a strategy we use to avoid conflict. This might be an, albeit unsuccessful, attempt to calm oneself when overwhelmed. However, a better way to deal with such situations is to learn to identify the signs that you or your partner is starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed. It’s a good idea to verbalize that you feel overwhelmed. You can both agree to take a break and that the conversation will resume when you are both calmer.

Apart from these predictors of divorce or separation, there are some patterns or behaviour that sometimes cause further conflict without being fully aware of it.

We are all wired differently, right? Different backgrounds, different personalities, different cultures, races, behaviours etc. As such, it is normal that we experience life and all our emotions differently. It will be quite illogical to think that our way of thinking or living is the ONLY right way to do it. This will just cause conflict and misunderstandings. As such, couples are advised to take time and understand each other’s love languages and work towards compromise rather than conflict.

Below are some main differences among couples and how they can reach a middle ground and understanding.

1. Independence 1st vs Togetherness 1st

Some people are more comfortable and relaxed working alone or being alone rather than interacting with others. One spouse could be more family oriented than the other. Perhaps one involves their parents/siblings in their lives while others prefer dealing with their issues by themselves as a couple.

Someone who values independence first might get irritated or frustrated when they do not get enough alone time. Or when a conflict arises, they NEED personal space. Here it is not a matter of wanting anymore, it is a NEED. That means, that if they don’t get their personal space ASAP, it will make them more anxious and stressed.

Togetherness first, needs more interaction with others and may become anxious when the partner is not readily available. They always seek comfort. They NEED to know that everything is okay. They need that emotional contact to relax, and the lack of it might cause further anxiousness.

When conflict arises, these two may get upset when their coping mechanism is not met by their partner.

Independence-First talking to Togetherness-first: “You are too needy! I can’t read your mind just tell me what you want!”

“You are selfish for always wanting attention”

Togetherness-First talking to Independence-first: “You just run off when we have to talk about something important!” 

“This doesn’t feel like a relationship, we are not a team!” 

“You are selfish for only caring about yourself!”

2. Slow to Upset vs. Readily Upset

Slow to upset people get anxious when there is conflict. They would rather remain silent to avoid further escalation of conflict. They stay calm to control the situation. They feel better about diffusing their upset feelings.

Readily upset need to speak up right away when something isn’t right. They feel that conflict and arguments are normal and for them, speaking up about their upset feelings helps them calm down.

Slow to upset talking to readily upset: “You throw temper tantrums anytime you don’t get something your way.” 

“Nothing is ever good enough for you, you are just always negative.”

Readily Upset talking to slow-upset: “You just cover up your true feelings just to avoid conflict.” 

“You just want to pretend like everything is okay.”

3. Problem Solving 1st vs. Understanding 1st

Problem-solving 1st people seek to deal with the situation by finding an appropriate plan for it. They don’t seek sympathy or validation from their partner. They don’t see the point in discussing feelings over what happened. They think, ‘Something wrong has happened, what do we do next?’

Understanding 1st feels instantly better when they get a little understanding from their partner. They feel soothed when they get a little support and compassion. For such people, acknowledging their emotions or the intentions underlying their actions is important. What Type of understanding is understanding first people looking for? It’s a matter of timing, it is not that they don’t want a solution, it is just they feel understanding comes first, then looking for a solution.

Problem-Solving talking to Understanding-first: “You just want to complain but never do anything to make things better” 

“You just want to be upset! Maybe you just like feeling miserable”

Understanding-First to Problem-solving first: “You don’t care how I feel, you just want to pretend as if nothing happened.”

“You just want to sweep your feelings under the rug.

What then can couples do to ensure more understanding?

1. Write down which core difference you are and which your partner is

2. Think of a specific time where this caused a conflict between you and your spouse.

3. Accept the idea that both of you have legitimate ways of relaxing

4. Stretch your comfort levels a bit so may give and take in a way where each of you gets your needs at least partially met. Write down what you can say and do to find a compromise.

No one can say one way of navigating life is better or more correct than the other. We are all different. The important thing is to understand the other person’s view and stand. You can’t always expect your spouse to cross over to your sideline. Sometimes, according to the situation, you give them the space they need and sometimes, they give you the attention you need. They say love isn’t always what makes marriages stronger…it is the understanding, compromises, compassion, mercy and forgiveness. Take the time to learn how your partner functions and copes during conflict. Be kind. Be understanding. Be compassionate. There has never been a shortcut to a successful marriage, has there?

Despite this being mostly about couples and marriage, this information is useful for any other kind of relationship or interaction as well!

REFERENCES:

  1. Notes by Dr Usman Mughni, MS, LMFTA, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.
  2. https://www.verywellmind.com/four-scientific-predictors-of-divorce-4045691
  3. https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-warning-signs-marriage-therapists-use-to-predict-divorce/
by
Keep Reading
Mental Health

IT IS ALL IN HOW YOU RESPOND

By

I came across this video online of a lady cat-walking in a fashion parade when she suddenly trips on her heels and falls on her knees. Instead of the expected embarrassed look, the lady stayed on her knees and made a dramatic pose like she was on a photo-shoot then proceeded to the front of the stage on all fours while the crowd cheered on. She then picked herself and elegantly walked away. Now think for a moment, had this lady ran off to backstage or sheepishly continued cat-walking, wouldn’t the reaction of the crowd be totally different as well?

In any kind of situation, it is how we respond that makes all the difference. You are allowed to feel anger, disappointment, joy, fear or any other emotion. The problem often comes in with WHAT we do with those emotions. When over-joyed, do you go for a super shopping spree and empty your wallet or do you rationally treat yourself with something nice and affordable? When angry, do you break everything in your house or do you opt to go to the gym or go for a walk? When we have faced failure, do we give up on the thing we’ve been working on or do we pick ourselves and soldier on? Most often than not, we do not ponder on the consequences of our reactions.

It becomes a bigger problem when it is conflict involving other people and our responses blow up everything out of proportion. Have you ever thought of how many fights you would have avoided had you just responded differently?

Truth be told, having self-control is one of the biggest challenges for everyone. At the heat of the moment, we are careless with our words, our actions and our body language. We feel under attack and would do ANYTHING to win this battle.

Virginia Satir, a family therapist, identified four defensive communication styles that we will most probably relate to.

1. Placating: In this case, one disregards their own feelings and worth.They say yes to everything and are eager to please everyone involved. One would take the blame for everything and be very apologetic. They also tend to walk on eggshells in their communication with others, and they tend to preface what they are about to say before they say it in the hopes that what they say won’t be misconstrued.  They do this to cover all their bases in order to preempt a misunderstanding that could unintentionally cause someone to be disappointed or angry with them.  To avoid conflict, they give up their authentic voice and opinions just to be safe.

2. Blaming: To protect ourselves, we harass and blame others; sometimes due to our own guilt. Blamers tend to look for and see problems and fault in others, and they tend to boss others around and try to manipulate and control them. Blamers can often be quite narcissistic, and they believe that they are better than everyone else. They do not believe that they are accountable or at cause for any of the problems that they face in their lives. Instead, they see themselves as victims and believe that everyone else is to blame for everything that goes wrong in their lives. They would distort events that have taken place, and their distorted, revisionist memories often serve to protect their fragile egos and preserve their pristine sense of self.

3. Super Reasonable: Also known as computing. This method of communication is whereby one focuses only on the context and superficial communication. They do not allow themselves to fully experience the feelings. Being overly reasonable means functioning with respect to context only, most frequently at the level of data and logic.  They are intent on delivering responses that are dry, cool, and calculated, and they tend to keep their voices even and often make use of abstract language. These individuals are often prone to communicating in a computing style because they’ve often developed a fear regarding expressing their own emotions.

4. Irrelevant: Uses jokes or other distractions to avoid dealing with primary emotions. Those that use this style tend to be clownish or amusing. This is an attempt to distract people’s attention from the issue under discussion. They are known to say or do things that are irrelevant to the language and actions of others; they are not emotionally attuned to others, and they are therefore unable to hold space for others because they’re so disconnected from their own thoughts and feelings. When they speak, they are often prone to being tangential and  jump from one topic to another. 

All the above mentioned styles are unhealthy communication styles because they don’t really deal with the issue at hand in an appropriate manner. One more identified style by Satir is the one called Leveling.

With leveling, it is the healthiest communication style. In this mode, one expresses oneself in an assertive manner so that one’s language and behavior is direct, straightforward, and congruent with one’s honest and authentic self.

People who adopt the leveling approach express themselves in a way where there is harmony between their actions, words, tone of voice, and posture/gestures. They engage in active listening, are comfortable with silence, and are able to properly express themselves.

Levelers seek first to understand, then to be understood.  They also tend to value partnership, and they  look to create win-win scenarios when they’re talking to people. In this mode, one shares feelings rather than trying to conceal them and they try to be empathetic as possible.

It is without a doubt that how we choose to communicate and respond to situations deeply affects the course of our lives. Think about it, how many times have you over-reacted about meaningless things and it is because of your reaction that you ruined important relationships in your life? Or how many times you chose to be heard rather than win an argument and this effectively and positively impacted your relationships?

You should take note that non-verbal expressions like body language and facial expressions still count as communication and how you react, sometimes even without words, does impact the course of what seems like a tragic situation.

So, from the reading, what kind of style do you often use?!

REFERENCES:

https://knowhowpedia.com/5-styles-of-communication-and-the-best-style-to-use-by-virginia-satir/

https://www.theravive.com/research/what%E2%80%99s-your-communication-type%3F

http://wildwolfpg.blogspot.com/2007/07/4-defensive-communication-styles-from.html

5 Distinguishable Styles of Communication

***

On another news, have you registered for our writing training yet?! If not, what are you waiting for!!! By the way, you can also sponsor another writer to attend and get yourself some free reward 🙂

by
Keep Reading
Mental Health

5 WAYS TRAVEL ENHANCES POSITIVE GROWTH

By

This article (edited version) was first published on ‘Travel Log Magazine’ an insert of Standard Newspaper on 5th September, 2019.

Have you ever walked on the streets and seen someone selling very random things like belts or pesticides and thought to yourself, ‘How often do people buy such stuff? How much does this person earn at the end of the day? Is it ever enough? Are they living a miserable life? Are they content?’

Therapists will almost always advise their clients to take a walk as often as possible. This is because there is a lot to contemplate about once you step out of your home. There is so much growth to be experienced in going out, travelling, exploring…there is always a lesson to be learnt.

Here are some wonderful ways in which travel leads to inner growth:

1. Travel is the break you desperately need. Everyone needs a time-out from the normal daily pattern. Sometimes we get too engrossed in the routine, we forget how many parts of ourselves die within us or talents that remain unexplored or magic that will never be unleashed. With traveling, you get to interact with nature, breath in fresh air, watch sunrises and sunsets and take a boat ride across the ocean. It is an opportunity to break from all the city noise, the traffic jams, the toxic air, the fast foods; an opportunity for new experiences. Indeed a monotonous life is not worth being called life.

“I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine.” – Caskie Stinnett

2. It pushes one out of their comfort zone. Now if you’re used to one particular thing in your locality and it is not available at this particular instance, you are left with no choice but to explore the other options you have. It pushes you to talk to strangers, ask for directions, taste food you wouldn’t otherwise taste and maybe even participate in group activities with people who don’t even speak the same language as you do. At this point, you are not at total liberty or in control to have things your way. You come face to face with change. You’d have to make sacrifices and compromises. You’d have to comply and obey rules of Foreign land. As they say, when you go to Rome, you do what the Romans do.

“Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.” – Miriam Beard

3. It humbles you. Honestly it does, especially when you go out of your typical scenarios and locality. You meet people with intriguing stories, people who’ve fought hard and survived, people who struggle to make ends meet, people stuck in very heart breaking situations. You meet children hawking, begging you to buy from their nuts or cookies, you meet very old and frail men and women seated in intense heat, trying to earn from their own sweat; people who create their own happiness with the little they have and who are content despite what they lack.

It also gives one a very different perspective on life and people. It is a great reminder for one to be grateful, to appreciate what they have and to remember that always, there is someone going through worse than you do or what your community does.

“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.” – Mary Anne Radmacher

4. Exploration enhances your creativity and story-telling abilities. Being around nature, different culture, different people opens up an entire other world for you. You get to learn new things, do new things and experience new, exhilarating, thrilling adventures. You get to hear other people’s stories, you get new ideas and all the moments bring forth to you many possibilities.

“Travelling — it leaves you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller.” – Ibn Battuta

5. An opportunity for introspection. One can’t possibly know everything about themselves if they stay all their lives stuck at the same place, same situations and with the same people. You know how they say if you want to truly know someone, you have to travel with them? This is why. You get to see their patience being tested, their immediate reactions, their excitement for trivial things, their mood during exhaustion, which foods they prefer or totally hate…Yet sometimes one doesn’t even know these things about themselves. It is not until they are in the situation itself, does one get to know who they truly are and what they feel deep inside. It makes one reflect and question themselves. This is the best chance for one to introspect and evaluate their emotions and behaviour.

“The best journeys in life are those that answer questions you never thought to ask.” ― Rich Ridgeway

Without travelling, without exploring, one doesn’t really get to experience the world in all its beautiful colours. You just get to see it in the shades of black, white and grey only. You don’t get to have life-changing encounters, or embrace humanity or appreciate the little things in life. You don’t get to taste kindness and witness love and light in human form. You don’t get to be amazed by the creations, by our similarities and great differences and how they make this world a more wonderful place. As the Moorish proverb goes, ‘He who does not travel does not know the value of men.’

Do not let financial constraints cage you in limited space. You don’t necessarily have to fly to a location across the continent for you to spread your wings and explore. Even sitting by the ocean some blocks away from your home or exploring your own locality can be therapeutic enough. We all need a breather, a moment to reflect and introspect.

“To travel is to evolve.” – Pierre Bernardo

by
Keep Reading
Mental Health

POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH AND SPIRITUALITY

By

Mental health is described by WHO (2001) as: “… a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.”

In Islam however, there is another addition to the definition. Positive mental health is also related to spirituality, piety and submission to the Almighty.

Allah (S.W.) clearly states in the Qur’an, in Surat Taha, verse 124:

“And whoever turns away from My remembrance-indeed, he will have a depressed (i.e. difficult) life, and We will gather (raise) him on the day of Resurrection blind.”

Thus, when we look into positive mental health, we’d say the first indicator of it is by looking at one’s relationship with God. Do you believe? Do you pray? Do you obey? Allah (S.W) promised to test us with different kinds of worldly tragedies, and within these difficult times, many people give up on God and on life and some entirely become atheists. They forget that life is but a test. So long as a human being keeps reminding themselves that the dunya is but a test and stick to the way of Islam, then Allah (S.W) will definitely grant them ease and strength to keep believing.

Utz (2011) states about the tranquil soul in her book ‘Psychology from an Islamic perspective’ and I quote:

“As sincere faith becomes strong in a person’s heart, the proclivity to evil within the soul becomes weak. The soul becomes completely dominated by inclinations towards piety and righteousness. It loves and desires goodness and detests evil deeds, so it rarely (if ever) responds to or complies with the urges to commit evil deeds. This is the level of the tranquil soul.

(To the righteous it will be said: “O reassured soul, return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing to Him. And enter among My righteous servants. And enter My paradise.”)

Goodness dominates, so the soul feels a sense of tranquillity and peace. These souls are obedient to Allah subhanahu wataala and pleased with what He has decreed, relying upon Him alone in all matters. Through this strong connection with the Creator, they calm their desires and passions, and they require little effort to repel evil inclinations. These individuals are in essence fulfilling the purpose of their creation, which is the worship and obedience of Allah. This is a level that is possible to achieve in this life, and it provides the believers with a taste of the joys awaiting them in the hereafter.”

This leads us into another indicator of positive mental health i.e. Acceptance of Allah’s Decree and relying upon Allah alone. One thus knows without a doubt that everything in life has been destined and as much as they can make choices in life, they don’t have total control over what happens. One does their best and prays for the best, believing that Allah (S.W.) will never forsake them. With such mentality, one isn’t unnecessarily overwhelmed, anxious and worried about the future nor are they stuck on the past that is already gone. This reflected in a hadith by Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said:

“One day, I was riding behind the Prophet (ﷺ) when he said, “O boy! I will instruct you in some matters. Be watchful of Allah (Commandments of Allah), He will preserve you. Safeguard His Rights, He will be ever with you. If you beg, beg of Him Alone; and if you need assistance, supplicate to Allah Alone for help. And remember that if all the people gather to benefit you, they will not be able to benefit you except that which Allah had foreordained (for you); and if all of them gather to do harm to you, they will not be able to afflict you with anything other than that which Allah had pre-destined against you. The pens had been lifted and the ink had dried up”. [At- Tirmidhi].

In another hadith, the prophet peace be upon him said, “Amazing is the affair of the believer. This is because there is good for him in every matter and this is not the case with anyone other than the believer. When he is in a state of happiness, he is thankful to Allah, and within that is good for him, and if he is harmed, then he keeps to being patient and thus there is good for him in that.”

This in turn, also makes one resilient such that, whenever a tragedy befalls them, they don’t allow the situation to break them. They adjust to whatever changes that come by and soldier on.

The prophet (p.b.u.h) as our guide, he led us to the path of purification of the soul, self-control and balance. And when one inclines to this path, they feel no distress within themselves. Good mental state can be achieved by avoiding negative attributes like anger, greed, envy and so on.

This means that a person with positive mental health is known to have good virtues such as kindness, forgiveness, compassion and humility which in fact improve one’s quality of life. The prophet (p.b.u.h) said for example that whoever is deprived of kindness then they have been deprived all that is good. And truly, when we think of it, what is the world without kindness?

Gratitude is another important virtue and an indicator as well. When one is thankful, they tend to be more optimistic and more positive towards life, others and even themselves. Studies prove that expressing gratitude improves ones sense of wellbeing and that it makes people be more open, less neurotic and more agreeable. (McCullough et al., 2002)

Apart from that, more positive outcomes have been identified in practicing gratitude as per psychology research. One of the benefits of gratitude is that it can reduce levels of stress. (Krause, 2006) and that it can also decrease the levels of depression and anxiety. (Kashdan & Breen, 2007)

In a study done by Seligman, Steen and Peterson (2005), the participants were given one week to write and deliver in person, a letter of gratitude to someone who had shown special kindness to them that they hadn’t thanked properly. The results showed that participants who took part in the letter-writing reported more happiness for one month after the exercise compared to a control group.

Algoe et al. (2010) asked sixty-seven couples to keep a diary for two weeks and record their own and their partner’s thoughtful actions, the relationship well-being and their emotions. By connecting the data of the couple, they were able to see whether a thoughtful action of the participant was recognized by the partner and whether they acknowledged the action accordingly. They found that a partner’s thoughtful action predicted an increase in feelings of gratitude and indebtedness.

When we thank Allah and others for the good in our life, we avoid focusing on the bad things that happened to us, and thus have a more positive outlook and mental being. Allah (S.W.) says in Surat Ibrahim, verse 7: “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you in favour.”

We can deny it all we want but many research has proved that our spirituality does have an impact on mental health. And more than that, Allah (S.W.) already informed us of that, centuries ago. For us to acquire the peaceful life we desire, we need to embrace the good virtues and follow the prophet (p.b.u.h) for he is the best example and role model.

REFERENCES
1. Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L. & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships.
2. Kashdan, T.B., Breen, W.L. (2007). Materialism and diminished well-being: Experiential avoidance as a mediating mechanism. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.
3. Krause, N. (2006). Gratitude toward god, stress, and health in late life. Research on Aging.
4. McCullough, M. E., Tsang, J. -A., & Emmons, R. A. (2004). Gratitude in intermediate affective terrain: Links of grateful moods to individual differences and daily emotional experience. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
5. Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. T., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist.
6. Utz, A. (2011). Psychology from the Islamic Perspective. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. International Islamic Publishing House.
7. WHO. (2001). The world health report 2001. Mental health: New understanding. New hope. Geneva, World Health Organization.
8. Qur’an. Retrieved from https://quran.com

by
Keep Reading
Mental Health

RECOVERY IS BUT A CHOICE

By

Photo Courtesy: https://kaylafae.files.wordpress.com

So I went to Port Reitz the other week and visited the mental unit. The place was so quiet and calm, with a neat, green compound. You can imagine my disappointment of not finding a lunatic running around with a doctor following him with a huge needle in his hand. That’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear of Port Reitz right? Well sorry to burst your bubble. Apparently the only time the place is as you picture it is when a maniac or violent patient is coming in for assessment for the first time. So yeah, as much as mental illness is often equated to madness, that’s just NOT the whole picture. Mental illness is depression and anxiety and OCD and all these other things we go through and brush away because well, who wants to admit they are mentally ill?

It is also at Port Reitz that I got to know that by a range of just 150/= to 300/= you could get to see a therapist. But because we’ve stereotyped mental illness and this place so much, we’d rather not even think about going to this place.

By now we already know that therapy is as expensive as it gets. So if only we kept aside our insecurities and decided to seek the desperate help we need, we would have made good use of these very affordable charges. Anyway, getting to my point now, do you realize that for you to get any better you need to get help?

It is rather sad that we would go to see a doctor for the smallest of physical aches yet choose to continuously ignore the pain within our souls. Each one of us is carrying a baggage, a painful story, things they’d rather not talk about because it is easier ignored than faced. But the reality is that, time is not necessarily going to heal you as the theory goes. We are very different human beings and we cope very differently to the challenges we face. For example, you could meet two victims who were involved in the West Gate attack and perhaps underwent the same scenario but you’d find that one was resilient enough after the attack was over. They quit the job they didn’t like, spent more time with family and started pursuing things they are passionate about. The other one however, was probably stuck in that messy moment for an entire month and still having nightmares about it. That’s just how different we are and it is OKAY to feel whichever way you feel.

To ensure that you remain sane and not entirely lose control of your being, here are a few steps to help you cope.

  1. Admit to yourself that you have a challenge that is pulling you down: You have to be honest to yourself without feeling any guilt or shame. You have to accept that this is how you feel right now and there shouldn’t be anyone or anything to make you less of a human being for feeling the way you do. Remember that your illness does not define you. Your strength and courage does…and if you want this nightmare to end, this step is very crucial.
  2. Talk to a confidant: Go talk to a person you trust and who will listen to you without judgements or with less regard as to how you feel. Be open and be yourself. Letting it out is an efficient way to feel better.
  3. Keep a journal: Writing down what you feel is proven to be really helpful for anyone undergoing stress or any other mental illness. You can be angry, emotional, detesting or whichever feeling you’ll be experiencing and you don’t have to worry about what your journal thinks about all that you are talking about. It gives you the chance to be free and yourself. Furthermore, it will be more helpful if you also have a gratitude journal whereby you write down what you are grateful for by the end of the day or maybe weekly.
  4. Pray: While experiencing very stressful situations, praying can be the hardest thing to do. You have so many questions for God and you are almost giving up. You lack the enthusiasm for life and you are just in this dark phase whereby you don’t know what to do. However difficult it is for you, pray. Because if there’s any time where you have to prove your faith in God, this is the period. This is your test and this is the time to trust blindly. Yes, blindly. You may not see the light ahead and you may not understand a thing but pray still. Trust His plan for you. Pray to Him. Cry to Him. Talk to Him. Tell Him about all these things only you and Him know about. Tell Him about your pain, your confusion, your anguish and struggle. He is listening. He is always listening.
  5. Seek help: This is an important step when things get overwhelming for you. Do not worry about what others will think about you or label you. Do not worry about what will happen next or how the therapist will judge you. Close your eyes and take the step. Seeking help doesn’t make you mad or crazy or weak. It makes you brave. It makes you strong and courageous. So go for it. Seek help while you still can. Seek help because you deserve a peaceful mind and a grateful soul. So go for it!

That said, here is good news for my dear ‘strokes of my pen’ family. To make it easier for all of you to seek help, Strokes of my pen and Taaluful Quloob have joined hands to assist you to access therapies at a special price.

Taaluful Quloob is a registered community based organization in Mombasa with a mission to proactively address family issues through a collaborative care, offering comprehensive package embodied with assorted services to help replenish homes. They offer services such as general guidance and counselling, Islamic marital counselling (pre-marital, marital and post marital) and match-making (Interesting huh?!). They also train community counsellors and organize workshops and seminars.

Coming back to the special price, Taaluful Quloob will be charging a small fee of 300/= plus a one-time registration fee of 100/= only, for general counselling for anyone who uses the code: Strokes of my pen. Please take note that this offer is only for the general counselling matters and not for marital counselling.

You can book your appointment via their number: 0708 964 809 or you can email them for further inquiries via: taallufulquloob@gmail.com

It is my hope that you will make use of this great offer and seek help. Please do while you can. Please be kind to your soul and allow it to heal.

P.S The offer is valid until December in shaa Allah.

One of the great therapists I know repeats this like it is the most important statement to live with: Mental Illness is NOT a choice but your RECOVERY is. I believe she is right.

by
Keep Reading
Deen (Religion)

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

By

‘Why is this happening to me’ is one of the very frequent questions we ask when we are in despair, when we are sad and in pain. Sometimes we are so angry with God, we don’t understand why we go through what we do. We demand for answers from anyone who seems pious or close to God. We ask ‘Why is there evil on earth?’ ‘Where is God? Why is He not answering my prayers?’ ‘I have been good all my life. I’ve been a consistent worshipper, I’ve been obedient to Him and to my parents and I haven’t harmed anyone, why did God give me this illness? Why am I struggling?’ At this point we have heard enough of ‘Be patient’, ‘Keep praying’ and all the other consolations we say to each other in difficult situations. We want to understand WHY.

If you ask me i’d tell you, this life is a test. Thousands of years before we came to existence, it was already ordained for us that we’d come to this earth and we’d have to work with sweat and blood to earn Jannah. But you probably have heard enough of that already. You want satisfactory answers. But part of the test is that you won’t have all the answers. There is no one who will ever come to you and say, ‘So, on this date, when you were 25 years old you committed injustice to so and so…that’s why you became bankrupt today.’ Or that you missed your only chance to get a scholarship because two years later, another better chance will be there for you. We don’t and won’t have the privilege that nabii Musa aleyhi salaam got by learning the wisdom behind tragic events from Al Khidhr. No. Nothing like that will ever happen. Sometimes, maybe months or years later you come to appreciate what happened to you because now you can see the wisdom behind God’s plans. And sometimes, you won’t understand one bit of what is going on and you will never get the closure you need, but will you still believe?? Will you still have faith that God is the best of Planners and wants what is best for you? Will we learn to trust as from the stories of our prophets and the pious people that came before us?

In a hadith in sahih Bukhari, the Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’” Some of the commentaries of this hadith is this: Imam Nawawi (may Allah have Mercy upon him) also said: “al-Qadi ‘Iyad said that this means He will forgive him if he seeks such, will accept his repentance if he repents, will answer him if he supplicates, and will suffice him if he asks for something. It is also said that it refers to having hope and longing for relief, and this is more correct.”

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have Mercy upon him) said: “Most people – in fact, all of them except those protected by Allah – assume other than the truth, and assume the worst. Most people believe that they are deprived of their rights, have bad luck, deserve more than what Allah gave them, and it is as if they are saying: ‘My Lord has wronged me and deprived me of what I deserve,’ and his soul bears witness to this while his tongue denies it and refuses to openly state this. And whoever digs into his soul and comes to know its ins and outs will see this in it like fire in a triggered explosion…And if you dig into anyone’s soul, you will see that he blames fate and would rather have something else happen to him than what actually did, and that things should be this way or that…So, dig into your own self: are you protected from this? If you are safe from this, you have been protected from something great. Otherwise, I do not see that you have been saved.” [Zad al-Ma’ad]

There is a very thin line between belief and disbelief and questioning, is one of those things that can drastically push you to the other end of the line. Many people have found God due to questioning, researching and contemplating life while many other pious people ended up falling into disbelief because of constant questioning which ended up in wrong conclusions. This is why we need to be careful on what we say and how we say it, the intention behind it. One of the main reason atheists don’t believe in God is because they question how and why there is evil on this earth if there is a Just and All-knowing God.

In a hadith in sahih Bukhari [Volume 2, Book 24, Number 555:], the prophet p.b.u.h talks about this:

Narrated Ash-sha`bi:

The clerk of Al-Mughira bin Shu’ba (radiallaahu `anhu) narrated, “Mu`awiya (radiallaahu `anhu) wrote to Al-Mughira bin Shu’ba (radiallaahu `anhu): Write to me something which you have heard from the Prophet (sallallaahu `alayhi wasallam) .” So Al-Mughira (radiallaahu `anhu) wrote: I heard the Prophet (sallallaahu `alayhi wasallam) saying, “Allah has hated for you three things:

1. Vain talks, (useless talk) that you talk too much or about others.

2. Wasting of wealth (by extravagance)

3. And asking too many questions (in disputed religious matters) or asking others for something (except in great need).

All I mean is, sometimes we just have to trust God’s plan and His process. Sometimes we just need to have this undoubted faith that God knows your pain and will surely take care of you.

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have Mercy upon him) also said: “The more you have good expectations of your Lord and hope in Him, the more you will rely on and trust in Him. This is why some explained true reliance and trust to be having good expectations of Allah. In reality, having good expectations of Him leads to relying on and trusting in Him, as it is unthinkable that one can trust in someone that he has bad expectations of or no hope in, and Allah Knows best.”

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, thinking well about Allah is a part of the excellent worship of Allah.”

There is this quote by Ibn al-Qayyim rahimahu Llah that is too beautiful. He said:“Had Allah lifted the veil for his slave and shown him how He handles his affairs for him, and how Allah is more keen for the benefit of the slave than his own self, his heart would have melted out of the love for Allah and would have been torn to pieces out of thankfulness to Allah. Therefore if the pains of this world tire you do not grieve. For it may be that Allah wishes to hear your voice by way of duaa. So pour out your desires in prostration and forget about it and know; that verily Allah does not forget it.”

So the next time you are asking yourself ‘why is this happening to me’ or someone asks you the same, tell yourself this ayah:
‘Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried?’ Surat Ankabut: Verse 2.

May Allah grant us the patience and great faith in whatever He plans for us. Ameen.

P.S Our next creative writing training is set for next month in shaa Allah. Kindly check the details in the poster for registration. Please share!!

 

by
Keep Reading
Mental Health

10 WAYS PARENTS HEIGHTEN DEPRESSION

By

One of the saddest things is hearing people say, “I need help but I don’t want my family to know…”It says a lot about the person, the situation and the family; especially the parents. It is a messed up society. The youth are afraid to speak up about their struggles and depression because they are afraid of their parents’ reactions. The situation is such that depression is almost becoming a trend now. And the parents? They remain oblivious of how much their children are struggling. I am not pointing fingers at anyone. As I said, it is a messed up situation. The youth could be unnecessarily worried about speaking up. Perhaps their parents would in fact listen and help them get help. Perhaps they would be supportive. Perhaps you speaking up would be a wake up call for them. How would you know if you never approached them? This generation is so good at hiding so we can’t entirely blame the parents for not miraculously knowing you’re in pain. The family on the other side could be playing a role; sometimes a major role, in the problem itself. Carrying on with the same old traditions and customs, our parents seem blinded on how much they actually play a role in facilitating depression amongst their children. Here are some ways in which parents, unintentionally cause unnecessary pain, struggle and hopelessness.

1. Forcing them to take up courses/careers they aren’t interested in: I was talking to this 18 year old girl who just completed form four. She says she HATES maths, she FAILED maths and she doesn’t want anything to do with it. Oh well guess what, her family still thought that being an accountant is the only way to succeed in this life.I couldn’t understand how anyone could see her misery and still force her do this. It is sad, so sad, that parents have this one track mind. Parents believe they know what is best for their children (which majority of the times is true) but sometimes this is not the reality. If someone despises something that much, what kind of life do you expect your child to have at university? Sleepless nights, over-working themselves, breaking down cause of constant failure…what for?? Is it really worth it?? Even if they indeed work their sweat off and pass their exams, what kind of a career will they have? One whereby they deal with numbers for eight constant hours, seven days a week…do you expect your child to lead a happy life? Will they be any less valuable or worthy if they didn’t become that person you expect them to be or that they didn’t follow your footsteps?? Go ask around the students at university, ask them what they study and majority will tell you they do it because they had no option. Because their parent chose this course for them. Because becoming an artist or a chef or a journalist won’t take you that far. But would it give them a chance to grow? A chance to go after their dreams? A chance to be happy? So long as it is something that can still earn them some money and is decent enough then why not?? WHY NOT?!

2. Imposing their beliefs/opinions on their children: This happens a lot. A child is rarely allowed to have his/her own opinions. So a father would tell his son, ‘A real man marries from his own tribe’ or ‘A real woman should know how to carry firewood on her back’…This and that and that..Opinions are fine but imposing them on someone else is what is wrong. What if your son would love to marry someone from a different far-off culture, does it make him any less a man? What if your daughter knows how to sew clothes instead of carrying firewood, what do we label her? As much as we’d love our children to think in a certain way or to be our copies, it is wrong to force to them think in a certain way. The best a parent can do is advise. If a child follows their own path despite your words, they’ll be the ones to face the consequences of their actions; whether good or bad. Let your children fly. If they bump into a tree and fall down, they’ll come back to you crying and seeking your wisdom. Yet still, don’t cut their wings. You can’t protect them from the word, you can only guide and pray for them.

3. Forcing/Pressurizing them into marriages: ‘I got married at 18, you are 28 and you are still single’ ‘I was a father at your age’ ‘This is the best bride you could get’. I get it, parents get worried about their children; where they are headed to, whom they’ll have a family with, whether they’ll settle down like their mates or not. We get it. It is a scary world and it’s natural for them to be worried or desire to take control of their matters. But the reality is that your son/daughter is the one who will live with that person, that it is them who will handle the responsibilities, that it is them who will live that life. At least give them the chance to choose their paths; what time they decide they are ready to settle and who they want to settle with. Don’t make them any less human for not not being married yet or for not wanting the person you chose for them.

4. Comparing them with other children: This includes comparison amongst siblings. We are all built differently, with different personalities and different emotions within us. We experience the same things differently and different things the same way. We come from different backgrounds and the words we use in our home could be banned in yours. Your child could start speaking at two years and another at four. Your child and your neighbours’ could go to the same school since kindergarten and live in the same environment, yet they’d still perform differently and have different opinions. That is how it is, even for siblings living under the same roof with the same parents. We are different. Parents tend to make this mistake to always compare their children with others. It could be in performance, achievements, beauty, neatness, skills…anything really. Yet this is how they slowly ruin their childrens’ self esteem from a very tender age.

5. Getting children mixed up with adult problems: This is in the case of divorce or separation or just parents having frequent fights amongst themselves. Many times the parents never consider the effects of these fights on their children. Many children from broken families end up having trust issues or being depressed or unable to commit to any relationship. Parents would fight over custody of children, make them choose whom they want to live with, keep repeating to them how their other parent is worthless or is a bad parent, comparing the bad habits of the children to their other parent and so on. Children end up being exposed to unnecessary drama and chaos, traumatizing them psychologically and the effects would be seen way into their adulthood.

6. Rarely showing appreciation: A child could be responsible, obedient, hardworking…but the parent would never take a minute to praise them or show them appreciation or tell them how worthy they are. But once this same child does a mistake, he/she would be lectured, insulted and maybe even not spoken to. There is no balance and as such, the child ends up feeling worthless despite everything else good that they do.

7. Absent parents: These are the worst. Because you can barely tell if these children have parents or not. They are either too busy working, or too busy fighting, or too busy travelling, or too busy with their own business, they rarely have time for their children. They could be providing for them their basic needs but they don’t offer the emotional connection they desperately need. Sometimes they are forced to take up responsibilities, bigger than their age to cover for their parents’ absenteeism. This sometimes leads to the children seeking love or any emotional bond elsewhere to compensate for what they lack.

8. Never involving children in family decisions: It all starts with the small things. If a parent involves his/her child in decision making with regards to the house issues, then the child automatically feels valued. Even if it is by asking them what food to cook today or what colour they think will be best if painted in the room. The child feels that his opinions and thoughts are welcomed, wanted and appreciated. Even if their suggestions won’t be accepted, the children will still feel proud and their confidence will obviously boost. Yet what happens when the opposite happens? A child gets home and is just informed that the next day they are moving to another town. A child gets home and his father has traveled abroad without a word. A child gets home and some of his clothes have been given out. As much as parents have the right to do whatever they want in their homes, it does certainly have an impact on a child with regards to whether or not he was informed/involved or asked his opinion. Unfortunately we tend to think asking for children’s opinions is too Western but children often surprise us with their thoughts. And it is by these small decisions that children get to assume how much their opinions are valued or not.

9. Never supporting their ventures: So your child decided to open a furniture shop instead of the tiles shop you wanted them to. You decide you won’t support them. In fact, why talk to them even? They disobeyed me. But maybe your child believes that this will work out better for them. Maybe they love dealing with furniture and decors. Maybe this is a risk they must take for them to know what they are capable of. Sometimes all a parents needs to do is show support despite the differences in opinions. One can’t say the support doesn’t matter. It definitely does. One becomes more confident when they know they have their family backing them up.

10. Parents who are too proud to accept their mistakes: Indeed we are all human beings with so many flaws. Parents sacrifice and do a lot to ensure their children have good, stable lives. No one can delete or ignore their efforts. However, parents sometimes ignore their own wrongdoings and mistakes despite them having an impact on their children. They wouldn’t accept they are wrong when they publicly embarrass their children for lack of some skills, they wouldn’t accept their mistakes when their children’s teacher complains of their absenteeism to the parents’ meetings. They wouldn’t accept they are wrong when they demoralize their own children or when they send their young children to buy them weed. So first they make the mistake and second, they demand that no one questions the way they raise their children. Having stubborn parents like that, a child may end up having low self esteem, or have the wrong view of life or themselves. The child may end up thinking that accepting mistakes means one is weak, so they follow suit. There are many ways in which this could affect a child.

As much as we love and respect our parents, maybe it is high time we said it out loud that many are the reason their children are undergoing depression or being constantly sad. They also play a role in silencing the screams from within due to the children’s’ fear. Maybe it is high time we are open about these things so that maybe, just maybe, the future generations can have better, understanding parents. Ameen!

P.S. I dare you to try talking to your parents about what’s stressing and eating you up. You never know. You just never know. It could be your gateway to a healthier relationship with them. Plus, they could help you through your dark times, who knows?!

by
Keep Reading
Guest Posts

ON DEPRESSION AND SUPPORT SYSTEMS

By

All this talk about suicides and depression got me thinking.

I can remember the number of times crossing the Nyali Bridge in Mombasa on foot, and looking at the water far down there and thinking, what if I just ended all of it, right there? There would be a funeral, and in a couple of months everyone would forget about me and life would continue. And my pain would be done away with.

In retrospect, what got me across the bridge to the other side every time was thoughts of my family. And friends. Knowing how much they loved me and how much my exit would hurt them. And the fact that there’s so much I haven’t done yet.

And then once in a while we joke about how attempted suicide is criminal. We don’t talk about that shrill voice in the head telling you if you are going to do it, you have to make sure it works — so you don’t have to be there to deal with the repercussions.

I have a couple of friends with whom with we have long conversations that span hours, whenever either of us is feeling down. The smile on my face after such a call is often enough reason to push through another week. It’s recharging, therapeutic too.

I have read and heard people saying to reach out if one is feeling depressed. Listen, depression doesn’t take away someone’s need for company and reassurance, it just takes away their ability. When you are depressed, you don’t feel like doing anything, seeing anyone, or talking to anyone. You want to, but you simply don’t have the energy to even attempt anything. Telling depressed people to reach out isn’t the way — one needs to be really strong emotionally for that to happen — but depression strips most of the strength and resilience away.

In my opinion, only way to beat depression and perhaps stop these suicides is going back to humanity. Let’s be more caring and loving — towards those around us. Especially those who are usually strong. Remember, the higher you go the harder you fall. The strong person is hit harder because depression brings them down from a very high place. Reach out to them, instead of waiting for them to.

There’s people we have random conversations with, in the middle of the day or late in the night, about nothing in particular, but the joy these conversations bring about are worth every single second and cent spend.

To those who have been in that dark place before like myself, build yourself a support system when you are still strong — they will hold you when you are down. Make friends — lots — and develop really deep relationships with them. Call on the people in your life randomly just to check in. Make it a part of your life, a habit. Make sure the people closest to you know how you are doing — and you know how they are doing.

You are no more human than the next person, but neither are you without them.

by
Keep Reading

Powered by WordPress