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Inspiration

OF BROKEN DREAMS AND FAILING MARRIAGES

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My marriage has been rocky and it feels like I’m in the middle of an impending divorce.

It just happens; the drift I mean. One day you’re married, and suddenly it’s 15 years. And when you’re married for that long, there’s a certain weight of pressure and expectation from you from the society. You’ve been the icon of love for generation X, and the #Couplegoals for the Millenials, you cannot afford to disappoint them with love, can you?!

There is nothing I can pinpoint as the exact reason for our failing marriage. Life just happened. I got busier, and he stopped waiting for me. Meals are quieter nowadays. I see him look at me like he’s expecting me to say something. Do something. But I continue nibbling at my food, feeling like a failure. He sighs and moves away from the table. I can feel him slip his fingers away whenever I try to hold his hand. I can’t even remember the last time we shared a joke, or a bed, or a decent conversation like we frequently used to do. It is sad.

It is sad because I can feel him walking away. Like he wasn’t the love of my life. And the sadder part is that I’m letting him go.

We’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve been happier than ever. We’ve also cried a lot along the way. But we survived, we emerged stronger. But right now? The candle is burning down. The silence is alarming. The future is scary. And this, this right here is a desperate attempt to rekindle what was once a fierce, passionate love.

I have betrayed my husband in unimaginable ways- writing. Yes, writing is a lifetime commitment, very much like a marriage. What did you think I was talking about? SMH.

Anyway, as I was saying, life has been happening.

There was a time when I used to write twice a week! Can you believe that? Twice a week! Mashallah mashallah. It blows my mind to think about it now. I used to be the icon of persistence, J.K. Rowling would have been proud. Nowadays I write once a month after many many pep talks and postponements.

I want to blame it on adulting or use my final year excuse card that I am violently throwing around nowadays to any commitment or meeting or my several rejection letters from the literary world that make me question whether I am really good at this.

The most painful thing about rejections is the ‘almosts’. You almost made it. You’re almost there. You are so close to getting a hang of it. But when you’ve been an almost for more than a decade, what does that make you? It really does feel like you’re in an unrequited love situationship.

I however do not want to be ungrateful. I’ve come such a long, long way. I’ve had awesome milestones in my writing. I’ve had great feedback from my close people and people I’ve never even met too. I’ve seen myself grow alhamdulilah.

I remind myself of one of my readers who once asked me, ‘what’s success to you as a writer?’ And I said something along the lines of ‘I want my work to shake the literary world, you know, write something that will be a classic and be read like 100 years after my death.’ And I genuinely think most writers want that, you want your work to be noteworthy with the very sense of the word. I am no exception. I want that too. I want someone to read my work in France or Moldova or a remote Island somewhere that’s unheard of and be speechless for how amazing the book or novel was. I want my work to be translated into 28 languages or something. I do want that. And it’s not about the fame really, it’s about knowing that your work made such an impact, the whole world had to read it. But my reader’s response still strikes a chord, he said, ‘Isn’t it enough that one person read your work and was positively influenced by it?’

And I think about that response often. It should be enough. It doesn’t really have to be the whole world. If just one person is moved, positively impacted by my words, then I should count it as a win. A big one in fact.

I guess as human beings we always want more. We want to touch the sky even when our ladders can’t get us there. And it is not necessarily a bad thing.

I am not saying I want to give up on my dream. I still want my work to someday shake the literally world. Be so mind-blowing it becomes in everyone’s a must-read booklist. I deserve that for all that the hard work into this journey. But me writing this piece is a reminder to myself, and you who’s reading this, that it’s also okay to be where you are right now and I believe that’s what my reader meant by his response. I mean life is life and regardless of how big our dreams are, we shouldn’t forget to appreciate the smaller, bigger wins and the baby steps and the milestones.

I do not want to give up on this dream despite how hard it is becoming for me. I want to remember why I started. Why I never stopped even when life got really hectic and I had very valid excuses to stop. I want to remember why this marriage is important to me. And me admitting that I’m struggling with it is the first step to get back on track.

Dear reader, thank you for taking this journey with me throughout the highs and lows. I never take that for granted. I really appreciate you!

Cheers to being human, to working on our marriages, and to fulfilling our dreams!

P.S: I finally released hard copies of my full glossy book, Reflection & Resurgence. It is 1500/= only. You can buy your copy at 0704 731 560. The copies are limited! Don’t miss out!!

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Mental Health

THE LANGUAGE OF COMPASSION DURING CONFLICT

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Most people underestimate the power of words and language in our daily lives and how it eventually influences the path we tread on. In the heat of a moment, sometimes we say what we don’t mean, and think that ‘sorry’ will suffice at the end of the day. But what if, just what if, we decided to be more careful with what and how we speak in the first place? How can we still show love and compassion towards our partners and family during a conflict?

Doctor Gottman, an American psychological researcher and clinician who did extensive work over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability, founded ‘The Love Lab’. He is known for his 90% accuracy in predicting divorce and has provided us with four primary predictors of divorce called ‘ Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse‘. These four are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  

Criticism: When someone criticizes their partner, it implies that something is wrong with them or that you are attacking their character. In this case, one focuses on winning the argument or proving the partner wrong. For example, when you say, ‘You never do this…’, ‘Why are you like this…’, ‘You’re always….’, the spouse feels attacked and elicits a defensive response. The right way is to make a complaint about your spouse’s behaviour and not attack their personality. For example, when X happened, I felt Y, and I need Z.

Contempt: This is the worst predictor of divorce. Contempt is any statement of nonverbal behavior that puts you on a higher ground than your partner. This could be mocking your partner, calling him/her names, hostile humour, hurtful sarcasm etc. It attacks your spouse’s sense of self. It is also intended to put down or emotionally abuse or manipulate him or her. Instead, the couple should build a culture of respect, appreciation, tolerance and kindness in the relationship.

Defensiveness: This is an attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a countercomplaint. Another way is to act like a victim or whine. This can look like making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way). Saying things like “It’s not my fault,” or “I didn’t …” can also be cross-complaining, such as meeting your partner’s complaint or criticism with a complaint of your own or ignoring what your partner said. Couples are expected to take a moment, slow down and listen attentively to what their partner is saying without interrupting them. The point is: have conscious communication where you are both trying to understand what the other is saying and choosing the right way to respond.

Stonewalling: The silent treatment. Storming out. Shutting down. Changing the subject. Complete withdrawal from communication. All these are acts of stonewalling. It is a strategy we use to avoid conflict. This might be an, albeit unsuccessful, attempt to calm oneself when overwhelmed. However, a better way to deal with such situations is to learn to identify the signs that you or your partner is starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed. It’s a good idea to verbalize that you feel overwhelmed. You can both agree to take a break and that the conversation will resume when you are both calmer.

Apart from these predictors of divorce or separation, there are some patterns or behaviour that sometimes cause further conflict without being fully aware of it.

We are all wired differently, right? Different backgrounds, different personalities, different cultures, races, behaviours etc. As such, it is normal that we experience life and all our emotions differently. It will be quite illogical to think that our way of thinking or living is the ONLY right way to do it. This will just cause conflict and misunderstandings. As such, couples are advised to take time and understand each other’s love languages and work towards compromise rather than conflict.

Below are some main differences among couples and how they can reach a middle ground and understanding.

1. Independence 1st vs Togetherness 1st

Some people are more comfortable and relaxed working alone or being alone rather than interacting with others. One spouse could be more family oriented than the other. Perhaps one involves their parents/siblings in their lives while others prefer dealing with their issues by themselves as a couple.

Someone who values independence first might get irritated or frustrated when they do not get enough alone time. Or when a conflict arises, they NEED personal space. Here it is not a matter of wanting anymore, it is a NEED. That means, that if they don’t get their personal space ASAP, it will make them more anxious and stressed.

Togetherness first, needs more interaction with others and may become anxious when the partner is not readily available. They always seek comfort. They NEED to know that everything is okay. They need that emotional contact to relax, and the lack of it might cause further anxiousness.

When conflict arises, these two may get upset when their coping mechanism is not met by their partner.

Independence-First talking to Togetherness-first: “You are too needy! I can’t read your mind just tell me what you want!”

“You are selfish for always wanting attention”

Togetherness-First talking to Independence-first: “You just run off when we have to talk about something important!” 

“This doesn’t feel like a relationship, we are not a team!” 

“You are selfish for only caring about yourself!”

2. Slow to Upset vs. Readily Upset

Slow to upset people get anxious when there is conflict. They would rather remain silent to avoid further escalation of conflict. They stay calm to control the situation. They feel better about diffusing their upset feelings.

Readily upset need to speak up right away when something isn’t right. They feel that conflict and arguments are normal and for them, speaking up about their upset feelings helps them calm down.

Slow to upset talking to readily upset: “You throw temper tantrums anytime you don’t get something your way.” 

“Nothing is ever good enough for you, you are just always negative.”

Readily Upset talking to slow-upset: “You just cover up your true feelings just to avoid conflict.” 

“You just want to pretend like everything is okay.”

3. Problem Solving 1st vs. Understanding 1st

Problem-solving 1st people seek to deal with the situation by finding an appropriate plan for it. They don’t seek sympathy or validation from their partner. They don’t see the point in discussing feelings over what happened. They think, ‘Something wrong has happened, what do we do next?’

Understanding 1st feels instantly better when they get a little understanding from their partner. They feel soothed when they get a little support and compassion. For such people, acknowledging their emotions or the intentions underlying their actions is important. What Type of understanding is understanding first people looking for? It’s a matter of timing, it is not that they don’t want a solution, it is just they feel understanding comes first, then looking for a solution.

Problem-Solving talking to Understanding-first: “You just want to complain but never do anything to make things better” 

“You just want to be upset! Maybe you just like feeling miserable”

Understanding-First to Problem-solving first: “You don’t care how I feel, you just want to pretend as if nothing happened.”

“You just want to sweep your feelings under the rug.

What then can couples do to ensure more understanding?

1. Write down which core difference you are and which your partner is

2. Think of a specific time where this caused a conflict between you and your spouse.

3. Accept the idea that both of you have legitimate ways of relaxing

4. Stretch your comfort levels a bit so may give and take in a way where each of you gets your needs at least partially met. Write down what you can say and do to find a compromise.

No one can say one way of navigating life is better or more correct than the other. We are all different. The important thing is to understand the other person’s view and stand. You can’t always expect your spouse to cross over to your sideline. Sometimes, according to the situation, you give them the space they need and sometimes, they give you the attention you need. They say love isn’t always what makes marriages stronger…it is the understanding, compromises, compassion, mercy and forgiveness. Take the time to learn how your partner functions and copes during conflict. Be kind. Be understanding. Be compassionate. There has never been a shortcut to a successful marriage, has there?

Despite this being mostly about couples and marriage, this information is useful for any other kind of relationship or interaction as well!

REFERENCES:

  1. Notes by Dr Usman Mughni, MS, LMFTA, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.
  2. https://www.verywellmind.com/four-scientific-predictors-of-divorce-4045691
  3. https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-warning-signs-marriage-therapists-use-to-predict-divorce/
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Deen (Religion)

100 HADITHS ON WOMEN (PART 5)

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You may read part 4 at: https://lubnah.me.ke/100-hadiths-on-women-part-4/

E. MARRIAGE         كتاب النكاح  

1.Teasing co-wife with falsehood

Narrated Asma: Some lady said, “O Allah’s Messenger My husband has another wife, so it is sinful of me to claim that he has given me what he has not given me (in order to tease her)?” Allah’s Messenger(ﷺ) said, The one who pretends that he has been given what he has not been given, is just like the (false) one who wears two garments of falsehood.” 

عَنْ أسْمَاَء، عَنِ النبِيِ  صلى الله عليه وسلم. حدَثنِي محَمَُّد بنُ اْلمُثنى، حََّدَثنا يحْيى، عنْ هِشا مٍ، حََّدَثتنِي فَاطِمَُة، عَنْ أسْمَاَء، أن اْمرَأة، قاَلتْ يا رَسوَل اَّلِلّ إَِّن لي ضَرًَّة، فهلْ عََلىَّ جُناحٌ إِْن تشَبَّعْتُ مِنْ زَوْجِي غَيرَ اَّلِذي يعْطِينِي فقاَل رَسُوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم  ” اْلمُتَشَبِ عُ بِمَا  لمْ يعْطَ كلَابِسِ ثوَْبىْ زُورٍ “. Sahih al-Bukhari 5219 

 2. A woman whose husband is absent 

Fadala ibn ‘Ubayd reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Do not ask about three: a man who parts company with the community, rebels the ruler and dies while he is a still a rebel. Do not ask about him. Or a slave or slavegirl who runs away from his master. Or a woman whose husband is absent and who has sufficient provision and then displays her adornments to strangers and mixes freely. Do not ask about three: a man who contends with Allah regarding His cloak. His cloak is pride and His wrapper is His might. Also a man who doubts the command of Allah. and someone who despairs of Allah’s mercy.” 

 عَنْ فضَاَلَة بنِ عُبيد، عَنِ النبِيِ  صلى الله عليه وسلم قَاَ ل: ثلَاَثٌة لَا يسْأل عَنه مْ: رَجُلٌ فَارَقَ اْلجمَاعََة وَعَصَى إَِماَمُه فمَاتَ عَاصِيا، فلَا تسْأل عنُْه، وَأََمٌة أَوْ عَبد أَبِقَ مِنْ سَي دهِ، وَاْمر أة غَابَ زَوْجها، وَكفاَها مؤُوَنة الُّدْنيا فتبرَّجَتْ وََتمَرَّجَتْ بعَْدُ ه. وََثلَاَثٌة لَا يسأَُل عَنه مْ: رَجُلٌ نازَعَ اَّلَلّ رَِداَءُه، فإَّن رَِداَءُه اْلكِبْرَِياُء، وَإزَارَُه عِزَُّه، وَرَجُلٌ شَكَّ فِي أمرِ الِله، وَالقُنُوطُ مِنْ رَحمَةِ  الِله. Grade : Sahih (Al-Albani)  

3. A man (even male in-laws) should not stay with a woman in seclusion 

Narrated `Uqba bin ‘Amir: Allah’s Messenger said, “Beware of entering upon the ladies.” A man from the Ansar said, “Allah’s Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?” The Prophetreplied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself.  

 عَنْ عُقبة بنِ عَامِرٍ، أن رَسُوَل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَاَل ” إَِّياكُ مْ وَالُّدخُوَل عََلى النِ ساِء “. فقَاَل رَجُلٌ مِنَ الَأْنصَارِ يا رَسُوَل اَّلِلّ أفَرَأيتَ اْلحمْ وَ. قاَل ” اْلحَموُ اْلمَوْتُ “. Sahih al-Bukhari 5232

  4. Describing another woman to her husband 

Narrated `Abdullah bin Mas`ud: The Prophet(ﷺ) said, “A woman should not look at or touch another woman to describe her to her husband in such a way as if he was actually looking at her.”  

 عَنْ عَبد اَّلِلّ بنِ مسْعُوٍد ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَاَل قَاَل النبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم  ” لَا تبَاشِرِ اْلمَرْأَُة اْلمَرْأة فتنعَتها لزَوْجها، كأنُه ينْظرُ إَِليَْها “. Sahih al-Bukhari 5240 

 5. Proposing to a decent man 

Narrated Thabit: that he heard Anas saying, “A woman came to the Prophet(ﷺ) offering herself to him in marriage, saying, “Have you got any interest in me (i.e. would you like to marry me?)” Anas’s daughter said, “How shameless that woman was!” On that Anas said, “She is better than you, for she presented herself to Allah’s Messenger(ﷺ) ( for marriage). 

 حََّدَثنا مسََّدٌد، حََّدَثنا مرْحُومٌ، سَمِعْتُ ثابِتًا، أََّنه سَمِعَ أََنسًا ـ رضى الله عنه ـ يقوُل جَاَءتِ اْمرَأة إَِلى النبِيِ  صلى الله عليه وسلم تعْرِضُ عََليهِ نفسها فقاَلتْ هلْ لكَ حَاجٌَة فِيَّ فقاَلتِ اْبنته ما أقلَّ حيَاَءَها. فقاَل هِيَ خَيْرٌ مِنكِ، عَرَضَتْ عََلى رَسُولِ اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم نفسََها. Sahih al-Bukhari 6123  

6.   Choice in marriage 

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: A virgin came to the Prophet(ﷺ) and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet(ﷺ) allowed her to exercise her choice.   

عَنِ اْبنِ عَباسٍ، أن جَارَِيًة، بِكرًا أتتِ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فذكرَتْ أن أباَها زَوَّجها وَهِيَ كارَِهٌة فَخيرََها النبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم . Sahih (Al-Albani)  

7. Asking for divorce without a good reason 

Narrated Thawban: The Prophet(ﷺ) said: If any woman asks her husband for divorce without some strong reason, the odour of Paradise will be forbidden to her.   

عَنْ ثوَْباَن، قاَل قاَل رَسُوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم  ” أيمَا اْمرَأةٍ سَألتْ زَوْجََها طلَاقًا فِي غيْرِ ما بأْسٍ  فحَرَامٌ عليَْها رَائِحة اْلجَنةِ  ” .Sahih (Al-Albani) SunanAbiDawud 2226 

8. Woman taking care of in-laws 

Narrated Jabir bin `Abdullah: My father died and left seven or nine girls and I married a matron. Allah’s Messenger(ﷺ) said to me, “O Jabir! Have you married?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “A virgin or a matron?” I replied, “A matron.” he said, “Why not a virgin, so that you might play with her and she with you, and you might amuse her and she amuse you.” I said, ” `Abdullah (my father) died and left girls, and I dislike to marry a girl like them, so I married a lady (matron) so that she may look after them.” On that he said, “May Allah bless you,” or “That is good.”   

عَنْ جَابِرِ بنِ عَبد اَّلِلّ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قاَل هَلكَ أَبِي وََترَكَ سَبعَ بناتٍ أوْ تِسْعَ بنَاتٍ ف تَزَوَّجتُ اْمرَأًَة ثيِ با فقاَل لي رَسُوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم ” تزَوَّجْتَ يا جَابِرُ “. فقلتُ نعَ مْ. فقاَل ” بِكْرًا أَمْ ثيِ با “. قُْلتُ بلْ ثي با. قاَل ” فهلَّا جَارَِيًة تلَاعِبَُها وَُتلاعِبكَ،  وَُتضَاحكها وَُتضَاحككَ “. قاَل فقُْلتُ لُه إَِّن عبَْد اَّلِلّ هَلكَ وََترَكَ بناتٍ، وَإِ نِي كرِْهتُ أن أجِيئَُهنَّ بِمِثْلِهِنَّ، فَتزَوَّجْتُ اْمرَأة تقومُ عََليهِنَّ وَُتصْلِحُُهنَّ . فقَاَل ” بارَكَ اَّلُلّ لكَ “.  أَوْ قاَل خَيرًا. Sahih al-Bukhari 5367  

9. If a man does not provide for his family

Narrated `Aisha: Hind (bint `Utba) said to the Prophet(ﷺ) ” Abu Sufyan is a miserly man and I need to take some money of his wealth.” The Prophet(ﷺ) said, “Take reasonably what is sufficient for you and your children ”  

، عَنْ عَائِشََة ـ رضى الله عنها ـ أن هِنَْد، قاَلتْ للنبِيِ  صلى الله عليه وسلم إَِّن أبا سُفيَاَن رَجلٌ شحِيحٌ، فَأَحْتاجُ أَْن آخَُذ مِنْ ماِلهِ . قاَل  ” خُِذي ما يكْفِيكِ  ووََلدكِ بِاْلمَعْرُوفِ “. Sahih al-Bukhari 7180  

10. Asking permission for marriage

It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas that the Messenger of Allah said: “A previously married woman has more right to decide about herself (with regard to marriage) than her guardian, and a virgin should be asked for permission with regard to marriage, and her permission is her silence.” 

 عَنِ اْبنِ عَباسٍ، أن رَسُوَل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَاَل  ” الَأ يِمُ أحَقُّ بِنفسَِها مِنْ وَِلي ها وَاْلبِكْرُ تسْتَأْذ ن فِي نفسَِها وَإِذُْنَها صُمَاُتَها ” .  Sahih (Darussalam)   Sunan an-Nasa’i 3260  

11. Taking good care of daughters 

Aishah (May Allah be pleased with her) reported:  The Messenger of Allah said, “He who is involved (in the responsibility) of (bringing up) daughters, and he is benevolent towards them, they would become protection for him against Hell-fire”.

 “من ابتلي من هذه البنات بشيء فأحسن إليهن كن له سترًا من النار” ))متفق عليه((. [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].  

12. Voicing injustice on women when against the teachings of Islam. 

It was narrated from Ibn Buraidah that: his father said: “A girl came to the Prophet and said: ‘My father married me to his brother’s son so that he might raise his status thereby.’ The Prophet gave her the choice, and she said: ‘I approve of what my father did, but I wanted women to know that their fathers have no right to do that.’ ”  

 عَنِ اْبنِ برَْيَدَة، عَنْ أبِيهِ، قاَل جاَءتْ فتَاٌة إلى النَّبِيِ  ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ فقاَلتْ إَِّن أَبِي زَوَّجَنِي اْبنَ أخيهِ ليرْفعَ بِي خَسِيسَته . قاَل فَجعَلَ الَأْمرَ إَِليها . فَقاَلتْ قد أجَزْتُ ما صَنَعَ أبِي وََلكِنْ أَرَْدتُ أَْن تعلمَ النِ سَاُء أن ليسَ إَِلى الآَباِء مِنَ الَأْمرِ شىء . Sahih (Darussalam) Sunan Ibn Majah 1874  

13. The working of a lady in her husband’s house 

Narrated `Ali: Fatima went to the Prophet (ﷺ)complaining about the bad effect of the stone hand-mill on her hand. She heard that the Prophet (ﷺ)had received a few slave girls. But (when she came there) she did not find him, so she mentioned her problem to `Aisha. When the Prophet (ﷺ))came, `Aisha informed him about that. `Ali added, “So the Prophet ( )ﷺcame to us when we had gone to bed. We wanted to get up (on his arrival) but he said, ‘Stay where you are.” Then he came and sat between me and her and I felt the coldness of his feet on my `Abdomen. He said, “Shall I direct you to something better than what you have requested? When you go to bed say ‘Subhan Allah’ thirtythree times, ‘Al hamduli l-lah’ thirty three times, and Allahu Akbar’ thirty four times, for that is better for you than a servant.” 

 حََّدَثنا عَلِيٌّ، أن فاطِمة ـ عََليهِمَا السلَامُ ـ أََتتِ النبيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم تشْكو إليهِ ما تْلقى فِي يدَها مِنَ الرَّحَى، وََبَلغََها أنُه جَاَءه رَقِيقٌ فلمْ تصاِدفه، فََذكرتْ ذَِلكَ لعَائِشََة، فلمَّا جَاَء أخْبرَْتُه عائِشَُة ـ قَ اَل ـ فَجَاَءَنا وَقد أخَْذنا مضَاجعَنا، فََذهبْنَا نقومُ فَقَاَل ” عََلى مكانِكمَا “. فجَاَء فقَعََد بيْنِي وََبيْنََها حتى وَجدتُ برد قدَميهِ عََلى بطْني فقَاَل ” ألَا أدُّلكُما عََلى خيرٍ مِمَّا سَألتمَا، إِ ذَا أخَْذتما مضَاجِعَكُمَا ـ أوْ أَوَْيتما إَِلى فِرَاشِكمَا ـ فسَبِ حَا ثلَاًثا وََثلَاثِينَ، وَاحمََدا ثلاثا وََثلَاثِينَ، وَكبِ رَا أرَْبعًا وثلَاثِينَ، فهوَ خيْرٌ لكما منْ خَاِدمٍ “.  Sahih al-Bukhari 5361  

14. Supporting your dependants. 

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ)said, “The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should start first to support your dependants.”  

عَن أبِي هرَْيرََة،أ  ن رَسُول اَّ للّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَاَل   ” خَيرُال صََّدق ةِ ماكان عَن ظَْهرِ  غِنًى، وَاْبَدأْ  بِمن تعُوُ ل  .”Sahih al-Bukhari 5356  

15. To provide one’s family with food sufficient  in advance

Narrated `Umar: The Prophet (ﷺ)used to sell the dates of the garden of Bani An-Nadir and store for his family so much food as would cover their needs for a whole year.  

عَنْ عُمَرَـ رض ىالله عنه ـ أ ن النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم كَاَن يبِيعُ نخْلَ بنِي النضِيرِ،وََيحبِسُ لَأْهلِهِ قُوتَ سَنتِهِمْ . Sahih al-Bukhari 5357 

16. Lying about the father of your child  

“Then the Verse of Li’an was revealed, the Messenger of Allah ()ﷺ   said: ‘Any woman who attributed her child to people to whom he does not belong, then she has no relation to (the religion of) Allah, and she will never enter Paradise, and any man who rejects his child, while he recognizes him, Allah will screen Himself from him on the Day of Resurrection and disgrace him before the witnesses.’”  

 عَنْ أبِي هرَْيرََة، قاَل لمَّا نزََلتْ آَيُة ال لِ عَانِ قَاَل رَسوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم  ” أَُّيمَا اْمرَأَةٍ أَْلحَقَتْ بِقَوْمٍ منْ ليسَ مِنهمْ فليسَتْ مِنَ اَّلِلّ فِي شىٍْء وََلنْ يْدخَِلها جَنته وَأيمَا رَجُلٍ أنكرَ وََلَدُه وَقَْد عرَفه احْتجَبَ اَّلُلّ مِنه  يوْمَ اْلقِياَمةِ وَفضحه على رُُءوسِ الَأشَْهاِد ” . Grade: Hasan (Darussalam)  

17. Regarding dowry

It was narrated that: Abu Ajfa As-Sulami said: “Umar bin Khattab said: ‘Do not go to extremes with regard to the dowries of women, for if that were a sign of honor and dignity in this world or a sign of Taqwa before Allah, then Muhammad ()ﷺ   would have done that before you. But he did not give any of his wives and none of his daughters were given more than twelve uqiyyah. A man may increase dowry until he feels resentment against her and says: “You cost me everything I own,” or, “You caused me a great deal of hardship.”’” (Hassan) – uqiyyah is 40 dirham, total 480 dirham 

 عَنْ أبِي اْلعَجْفاِء السَُّلمِيِ ، قاَل قَاَل عمَرُ بنُ اْلخَطَّابِ لَا تغَاُلوا صََداقَ النِ سَاِء فإَّنَها لوْ كاَنتْ مكْرَُمة فِي الُّدْنيا أوْ تقوًى عِند اَّلِلّ كَاَن أوْلَاكُمْ وَأحقكُمْ بَِها محَمٌَّد ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ ما أَصدقَ اْمرَأًَة مِنْ نِسَائِهِ وَلَا أصِْدقَتِ اْمرَأة مِنْ بنَاتِهِ أكْثَرَ مِنِ اْثنتىْ عَشْرََة أوقِية وَإَِّن الرَّجُلَ ليثقِ لُ صدقة اْمرَأَتِهِ حَتى يكُوَن لَها عََداوٌَة فِي نفسِهِ وََيقُوُل قد كَلِفتُ إَِليكِ عََلقَ اْلقِرَْبةِ أوْ عَرَقَ اْلقِرَْبةِ . وَكنْتُ رَجلًا عرَبِيًّا موََّلدا ما أدرِي ما عََلقُ اْلقِرَْبةِ أوْ عَرَقُ اْلقِرَْبةِ . Grade: Sahih (Darussalam)  

18.   Causing another woman’s divorce

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah’s Messenger ()ﷺ   forbade the selling of things by a town dweller on behalf of a desert dweller; and similarly Najsh was forbidden. And one should not urge somebody to return the goods to the seller so as to sell him his own goods; nor should one demand the hand of a girl who has already been engaged to someone else; and a woman should not try to cause some other woman to be divorced in order to take her place. Sahih al-Bukhari 2140  

عَنْ أَبِي هرَْيرََة ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قاَل نَهى رَسوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم أ ن يبِيعَ حَاضِرٌ لبَاٍد، وَلَا تنَاجَشُوا، وَلَا يبِيعُ الرَّجُلُ عََلى بيْعِ أَخِيهِ وَلَا يخْطُبُ عََلى خطْبةِ أخيهِ، وَلَا تسْأل اْلمَرْأَُة طلَاقَ أختَِها لتكفَأَ ما فِي إَِنائَِها

19.   Woman, a guardian of the house and children

Narrated `Abdullah: Allah’s Messenger ()ﷺ   said, “Everyone of you is a guardian and is responsible for his charges. The ruler who has authority over people, is a guardian and is responsible for them, a man is a guardian of his family and is responsible for them; a woman is a guardian of her husband’s house and children and is responsible for them; a slave (‘Abu ) is a guardian of his master’s property and is responsible for it; so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your charges.” Sahih al-Bukhari 2554 

 عَنْ عَبد اَّلِلّ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ أن رَسوَل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قاَل   كلكُمْ رَاعٍ فمَسْئوٌل عنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ، فالأمِيرُ اَّلذي عََلى الناسِ رَاعٍ وَْهوَ مسْئوٌل عنُْهمْ، وَالرَّجُلُ رَاعٍ عََلى أهلِ بيتِهِ وَْهوَ  مسْئُوٌل عَنهمْ، وَاْلمَرْأَُة رَاعِية عََلى بيتِ بعْلَِها وَوََلِدهِ وَْهىَ مسْئُوَلٌة عنُْهمْ، وَاْلعَبد رَاعٍ عََلى مالِ سَي دهِ وَْهوَ مسْئوٌل عَنُْه، ألَا فكُُّلكمْ رَاعٍ وَكُُّلكمْ مسْئوٌل عَنْ رَعِيتِهِ .   

20. Being in eddah 

It was narrated that Umm ‘Atiyyah said: “The Messenger of Allah said: ‘No woman should mourn for anyone who dies for more than three days, except for a husband, for whom she should mourn for four months and ten days. She should not wear garments that are dyed or patterned, or put on kohl or comb her hair, and she should not put on any perfume except when purifying herself after her period, when she may use a little of Qust or Azfar.'” Sahih (Darussalam) Sunan an-Nasa’i 3534 

عَنْ أمِ  عَطِية، قاَلتْ قاَل رَسُوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم : لَا تحد اْمرَأة عََلى مي تٍ فوْقَ ثلَاثٍ إِلَّا على زَوْجٍ فَِإَّنَها تحد عََليهِ أرَْبعََة أشُْهرٍ وَعشرًا وَلَا تْلبَسُ ثوًْبا مصْبوغًا وَلَا ثوْبَ عَصْبٍ وَلَا تكتحلُ وَلَا تمْتَشِطُ وَلَا تمسُّ طِيبا إِلَّا عِند طُْه رَِها حينَ تطُْهرُ نبًَذا مِنْ قُسطٍ وَأَظْفَارٍ   .   

21. Prohibition of Mut’ah (Temporary marriage) 

Sabra al-Juhani reported on the authority of his father that while he was with Allah’s Messenger ()ﷺ   he said: O people, I had permitted you to contract temporary marriage with women, but Allah has forbidden it (now) until the Day of Resurrection. So he who has any (woman with this type of marriage contract) he should let her off, and do not take back anything you have given to them (as dower).   Sahih Muslim 1406 d

حََّدَثنِي الرَّبِيعُ بنُ سَبرََة اْلجَُهنِيُّ، أََّن أََباُه، حََّدَثه أََّنُه، كاَن معَ رَسُولِ اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فقاَل  يا أَُّيَها الناسُ إِ نِي قد كنتُ أذْنتُ لكُمْ فِي الِاستِمتاعِ مِنَ النِ سَاِء وَإَِّن اَّلَلّ قد ح رَّمَ ذَِلكَ إَِلى يوْمِ اْلقِيَاَمةِ فَمنْ كَاَن عِندُه مِنهنَّ شَىء فليخَلِ  سَبِيَله وَلَا تأخذوا مِما آَتيتمُوُهنَّ شَيْئا”  .   

22. Consultation and permission before marriage 

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah’s Messenger ()ﷺ   as having said: A woman without a husband (or divorced or a widow) must not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin must not be married until her permission is sought. They asked the Prophet of Allah ()ﷺ  : How her (virgin’s) consent can be solicited? He (the Holy Prophet) said: That she keeps silence. Sahih Muslim 1419 a  

حََّدثنا أبو هرَْيرََة، أن رَسُوَل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَاَل  لَا تنكحُ الَأ يِمُ حَتى تسْتأمرَ وَلَا تنْكَحُ اْلبِكرُ حَتَّى تسْتأذََ ن ” . قَاُلوا يا رَسُوَل اَّلِلّ وَكَيْفَ إِذُْنَها قَاَل ” أَْن تسْكتَ ” 

 23. Permission to do your day to day activities while on eddah

Jabir b. ‘Abdullah (Allah be pleased with them) reported: My maternal aunt was divorced, and she intended to pluck her dates. A person scolded her for having come out (during the period of ‘Idda). She came to Allah’s Prophet ( .)ﷺand he said: Certainly you can pluck (dates) from your palm trees, for perhaps you may give charity or do an act of kindness. Sahih Muslim 1483  

جَابِرَ بنَ عَبد اَّلِلّ، يقوُل طُ لِقتْ خَاَلتِي فَأَرَاَدتْ أَْن تجَُّد نخَْلَها فزَجَرََها رَجُلٌ أن تخْرُجَ فَأََتتِ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فقاَل  بَلى فجُ دي نخَْلكِ فإَّنكِ عسى أَْن تصََّدقِي أوْ تفعَلِي معْرُوفا ”  

24. Observing eddah  

Umm ‘Atiyya (‘Allah be pleased with her) said: We were forbidden to observe mourning for the dead beyond three days except in the case of husband (where it is permissible) for four months and ten days, and (that during this period) we should neither use collyrium nor touch perfume, nor wear dyed clothes, but concession was given to a woman when one of us was purified of our courses to make use of a little incense or scent. Sahih Muslim 938 e 

 عَنْ أمِ  عَطِيََّة، قاَلتْ كنا ننهى أَْن نحَِّد على ميِ تٍ فَوْقَ ثلَاثٍ إِلَّا عََلى زَوْجٍ أرَْب عََة أشُْهرٍ وَعشرًا وَلَا نكْتَحلُ وَلَا نتَطَيبُ وَلَا نْلبسُ ثوًْبا مصْبوغًا وَقَْد رُخِ صَ لْلمَرْأَةِ فِي طُْهرَِها إِذَا اغْتسََلتْ إِحَْداَنا مِنْ محِيضَِها فِي نبذةٍ مِنْ قُسطٍ وَأظْفارٍ .   

25. Being married is better than being divorced

It was narrated that ‘Aishah said: “This Verse ‘And making peace is better.’ Was revealed concerning a man who had been married to a woman for a long time, and she had given birth to his children and he wanted to exchange her (for a new wife). She agreed that he would stay with her (the new wife) and would not give her (the first wife) a share of his time. (i.e.) not spend the nights with her).” Sahih (Darussalam) Arabic : Book 9, Hadith 2050 Sunan Ibn Majah 

عَنْ عَائِشََة، . أنَها قاَل تْ نزََلتْ هذهِ الآَيُة   }وَالصُّْلحُ خَيْرٌ{ فِي رَجُلٍ كاَنتْ تحْته اْمرَأٌَة قد طاَلتْ صحْبتها وَولَدتْ مِنه أوْلَاًدا فأرَاَد أن يستَبِْدَل بَِها فرَاضَته عََلى أن تقِيمَ عِندُه وَلَا يقسِمَ لَها .  

26.   Waking up your spouse for prayer  

It was narrated that Abu Hurairah said: “The Messenger of Allah ()ﷺ   said: ‘May Allah (SWT) have mercy on a man who gets up at night and prays, then he wakes his wife and she prays, and if she refuses he sprinkles water in her face. And may Allah (SWT) have mercy on a woman who gets up at night and prays, then she wakes her husband and prays, and if he refuses she sprinkles water in his face.’” Hasan Sunan an-Nasa’i 1610  

عَنْ أبِي هرَْيرََة، قاَل قاَ ل رَسُوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم : رَحِمَ اَّلُلّ رَجُلًا قامَ مِنَ الَّليلِ فَصلى ثمَّ أَْيقَظَ اْمرَأََتُه فَصََّلتْ فإْن أبتْ نضَحَ فِي وَجْهَِها اْلمَاَء وَرَحِمَ اَّلُلّ اْمرَأًَة قَاَمتْ مِنَ الَّليلِ فصََّلتْ ثمَّ أيقظَتْ زَوْ جََها فصلى فَِإن أََبى نضَحَتْ فِي وَجْهِهِ اْلمَاَء ”  

27. Permission to look at a woman while proposing 

It was narrated that Al-Mughirah bin Shu’bah said: “I proposed marriage to a woman during the time of the Messenger of Allah, and the Prophet said: ‘Have you seen her?’ I said: ‘No.’ He said: ‘Look at her, for that is more likely to create love between you.’” Sahih (Darussalam) Sunan an-Nasa’i 3235 

عَنِ اْلمُغِيرَةِ بنِ شُعْبة، قاَل خَطَبْتُ اْمرَأًَة على عَْهِد رَسُولِ اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فقَاَل النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم  أنظَرْتَ إَِليها ” . قلتُ لَا . قاَل ” فَاْنظُرْ إَِليها فإَّنُه أجَْدرُ أن يؤَْدمَ بيْنَكُمَا ” .  

28. A disbeliever should not marry Muslim

It was narrated that Anas said: “Abu Talhah proposed marriage to Umm Sulaim and she said: ‘By Allah, a man like you is not to be rejected, O Abu Talhah, but you are a disbeliever and I am a Muslim, and it is not permissible for me to marry you. If you become Muslim, that will be my dowry, and I will not ask you for anything else.’ So he became Muslim and that was her dowry.” (one of the narrators) Thabit said: “I have never heard of a woman whose dowry was more precious than Umm Sulaim (whose dowry was) Islam. And he consummated the marriage with her, and she bore him a child.” Hasan (Darussalam) Sunan an-Nasa’i 3341   

عَنْ أنسٍ، قاَل خَطَبَ أبو طَْلحََة أمَّ سليْمٍ فقاَلتْ وَاَّلِلّ ما مِثُْلكَ يا أبا طَْلحََة يرَُّد وََلكِنكَ رَجلٌ كَافِرٌ وَأََنا اْمرَأة مسْلِمٌَة وَلَا يحلُّ لي أن أتزَوَّجكَ فَِإْن تسْلِمْ فََذاكَ مهرِي وََما أسْألكَ غَيرَُه . فأسَْلمَ فَكَاَن ذَِلكَ مْهرََها – قَاَل ثابِتٌ فمَا سَمِعْ تُ بِاْمرَأةٍ قطُّ كاَنتْ أكْرَمَ مْهرًا مِنْ أُمِ  سَُليمٍ الإسْلَامَ – فََدخَلَ بَِها فوََلَدتْ لُه .  

29.   Husband dying before consummating the marriage  

It was narrated from ‘Abdullah that a woman was brought to him who had married a man then he had died without naming any dowry for her and without consummating the marriage with her. They kept coming to him for nearly a month, and he did not issue any ruling to them. Then he said: “I think that she should have a dowry like that of her peers no less, with no injustice and she may inherit from him and she has to observe the ‘Iddah.” Ma’qil bin Sinan Al-Ashja’i testified: “The Messenger of Allah passed a similar judgment concerning Birwa’ bint Washiq.” Sahih (Darussalam) Sunan an-Nasa’i 3355 

 عَنْ عَبد اَّلِلّ، أََّنُه أتِيَ فِي اْمرَأَةٍ تزَوَّجها رَجلٌ فَماتَ عَنَْها وََلمْ يفرِضْ لَها صََداقا وََلمْ يْدخلْ بَِها فَاخْتلفُوا إَِليْهِ قرِيبا مِنْ شَْهرٍ لَا يفتِيهِمْ ثمَّ قاَل أَرَى لها صََداقَ نِسَائَِها لَا وَكسَ وَلَا  شطَطَ وََلَها اْلمِيرَاثُ وَعََليها اْلعَِّدُة . فشَهَِد معْقِلُ بنُ سِنانٍ الَأشجعِيُّ أََّن رَسوَل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قضَى فِي بِرْوَعَ بِنْتِ وَاشِقٍ بِمِثلِ ما قَضَيتَ  .  

30.   Provision for wife before the final divorce

Fatimah bint Qais said: “I came to the Prophet and said: ‘I am the daughter of Ali Khalid and my husband, so and so, sent word to me divorcing me. I asked his family for provision and shelter but they refused.’ They said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, he sent word to her divorcing her thrice.’” She said: “The Messenger of Allah said: ‘The woman is still entitled to provision and shelter if the husband can still take her back.’” Sahih (Darussalam) Sunan an-Nasa’i 3403   

حََّدثتنِي فاطِمَُة بِنتُ قيسٍ، قاَلتْ أتيْتُ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فقلتُ أنا بِنتُ آلِ خاِلٍد وَإَِّن زَوْجي فُلانا أَرْسَلَ إَِلىَّ بِطَلَاقِي وَإِ نِي سَألتُ أَْهله النَّفقة وَالسُّكنى فَأََبوْا عََلىَّ . قاُلوا يا رَسُوَل اَّلِلّ إَِّنُه قد أَرْسَلَ إَِليها بِث لَاثِ تطْلِيقَاتٍ . قاَلتْ فقاَل رَسوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم  :”إَِّنمَا النفقة وَالسكْنَى لْلمَرْأَةِ إذا كَاَن لزَوْجها عََليها الرَّجْعَُة ”  

31.   Regarding child custody 

It was narrated that Abu Maimunah said: “While I was with Abu Hurairah he said: ‘A woman came to the Messenger of Allah and said: May my father and mother be ransomed for you! My husband wants to take my son away, but he helps me, and brings me water from the well of Abu ‘Inabah. Her husband came and said: Who is going to take my son from me? The Messenger of Allah said: “O boy, this is your father and this is your mother; take the hand of whichever of them you want.” He took his mother’s hand and she left with him.’” Sahih (Darussalam) Sunan an-Nasa’i 3496  

عَنْ  أبِي ميمُوَنَة، قاَل بينا أنا عِنَْد أَبِي هرَْيرََة، فَقَاَل إَِّن اْمرَأة جَاَءتْ رَسُوَل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَاَلتْ فداكَ أبِي وَأ مِي إَِّن زَوْجي يرِيُد أن يْذهبَ بِاْبنِي وَقد نفعَنِي وَسَقانِي مِنْ بِئْرِ أَبِي عِنَبََة . فَجَاَء زَوْجَُها وَقاَل منْ يخَاصِمُنِي فِي اْبنِي فقَاَل  يا غُلامُ هَذا أبوكَ وََهذهِ أمكَ فخُْذ بِيد أَ يِهِمَا شِئْتَ ” فَأَخََذ بِيَِد أ مِهِ فَاْنطََلقتْ بِه  

32.   Wife giving birth few days after the husband’s death

Abu Salamah bin ‘Abdur-Rahman said: “It was said to Ibn ‘Abbas concerning a woman who gives birth one day after her husband died: ‘Can she get married?’ He said: ‘No, not until the longer of the two periods has ended.’ He said: ‘Allah says: And for those who are pregnant (whether they are divorced or their husbands are dead), their ‘Iddah (prescribed period) is until they lay down their burden.’ He said: ‘That only applies in the case of divorce.’ Abu Hurairah said: ‘I agree with my brother’s son’ –meaning, Abu Salamah. He sent his slave Kuraib and told him: ‘Go to Umm Salamah and ask her: Was this the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah?’ He came back and said: ‘Yes, Subai’ah Al-Aslamiyyah gave birth twenty days after her husband died, and the Messenger of Allah told her to get married, and Abu As-Sanabil was one of those who proposed marriage to her.’” Sahih (Darussalam) Sunan an-Nasa’i 3511   

قِيلَ لِاْبنِ عَباسٍ فِي اْمرَأةٍ وَضَعَتْ بعَْد وَفَاةِ زَوْجها بِعِشْرِينَ ليلة أيصُْلحُ لَها أن ت زوَّجَ قَاَل لَا إِلَّا آخرَ الَأجََلينِ . قاَل قلتُ قاَل اَّلُلّ تبارَكَ وََتعَاَلى } وَأُولاتُ الَأحْمَالِ أجَُلهنَّ أن يضَعْنَ حَمَْلهنَّ { فقَاَل إَِّنمَا ذلكَ فِي الطَّلَاقِ . فقاَل أبو هرَْيرََة أنا معَ اْبنِ أَخِي . يعْنِي أََبا سََلمََة . فأرْسَلَ غُلَاَمُه كرَْيبًا فقاَل اْئتِ أُمَّ سََلمة فَسَْلَها هلْ كاَن هذا سُنة مِنْ رَسُولِ اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فجَاَء فقاَل قاَلتْ نعَمْ سُبيْعَُة الَأسلمِيَُّة وَضَعَتْ بعَْد وَفاةِ زَوْجها بِعِشْرِينَ ليلة فَأََمرََها رَسوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم أن تزَوَّجَ فكاَن أبو السنَابِلِ فِيمنْ يخْطُبها  

33. Inciting a woman against her husband

Narrated Abu Hurayrah: The Prophet ()ﷺ   said: Anyone who incites a woman against her husband or a slave against his master is not one of us. Sahih (Al-Albani) Sunan Abi Dawud 2175  

 عَنْ أبِي هرَْيرََة، قاَل قاَل  رَسُوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم  ليْسَ مِنا منْ خَببَ اْمرَأة عََلى زَوْجَِها أَوْ عبًْدا عََلى سيِِ دهِ ”  

34. Child custody before the mother gets married again 

Amr b. Shu’aib on his father’s authority said that his grandfather (Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-‘As) reported: A woman said: Messenger of Allah, my womb is a vessel to this son of mine, my breasts, a waterskin for him, and my lap a guard for him, yet his father has divorced me, and wants to take him away from me. The Messenger of Allah ()ﷺ   said: You have more right to him as long as you do not marry. Hasan (Al-Albani) Sunan Abi Dawud 2276  

 أََّن اْمرَأة، قاَلتْ يا رَسُوَل اَّلِلّ إَِّن اْبنِي هذا كَاَن بطْنِي لُه وِعَاًء وََثْديِي لُه سِقاًء وَحِجرِي لُه حِوَاًء وَإن أََباُه طََّلقنِي وَأرَاَد أن ينتزِعَُه مِنِ ي فقَاَل لَها رَسُوُل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم : أنتِ أَحقُّ بِهِ ما لمْ تنكِحي ”  

35.   Marrying without the permission of her Walii

Aishah narrated that: The Messenger of Allah said: “Whichever woman married without the permission of her Wali her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. If he entered into her, then the Mahr is for her in lieu of what he enjoyed from her private part. If they disagree, then the Sultan is the Wali for one who has no Wali.” Hasan (Darussalam) Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1102   

عَنْ عَائِشََة، أن رَسُوَل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قاَل  أَُّيمَا اْمرَأةٍ نكِحَتْ بِغَيرِ إِذْنِ وَِليَِ ها فنِكَاحها باطِلٌ فَنكَاحَُها باطِلٌ فنِكاحَُها باطِلٌ فَِإْن دخَلَ بَِها فََلَها اْلمَْهرُ بِمَا اسْتحَلَّ مِنْ فرْجها فإنِ اشتَجرُوا فَالسُّْلطَاُن وَِليُّ منْ لَا وَِليَّ لُه ”      

36.  Rights of a woman over her husband 

It was narrated from Hakim bin Muawiyah, from his father, that: A man asked the Prophet ()ﷺ  “What are the right of the woman over her husband?” He said: “That he should feed her as he feeds himself and clothe her as he clothes himself; he should not strike her on the face nor disfigure her, and he should not abandon her except in the house (as a form of discipline).”  (Hassan) Arabic : Book 9, Hadith 1923 Sunan Ibn Majah  

عَنْ حَكِيمِ بنِ معَاوَِيَة، عَنْ أبِيهِ، أََّن رَجُلًا، سأََل النبِيَّ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ ما حَقُّ اْلمَرْأةِ على الزَّوْجِ قَاَل  أن يطْعِمََها إِذَا طَعِمَ وَأن يكْسوََها إِذَا اكْتسَى وَلَا يضْرِبِ اْلوَجَْه وَلَا يقبِ حْ وَلَا يْهجرْ إِلَّا فِي اْلبيتِ ”   

37. No woman should arrange the marriage of another woman

It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that: The Messenger of Allah said: “No woman should arrange the marriage of another woman (i.e. she needs a walii), and no woman should arrange her own marriage. The adulteress is the one who arranges her own marriage.” Sahih (Darussalam) Arabic : Book 9, Hadith 1956 Sunan Ibn Majah 

 عَنْ أبِي هرَْيرََة، قاَل قاَل رَسُوُل اَّلِلّ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ  لَا تزَوِ جُ اْلمَرْأة اْلمَرْأة وَلَا تزَوِ جُ اْلمرْأَُة نفسََها فإَّن الزَّانِية هِيَ اَّلتِي تزَوِ جُ نفس ها ”  

38. Burdening the husband with unnecessary expenses

It was narrated from Jabir that:  The first thing that destroyed the Tribes of Israel is when the wife of a poor person would burden him for clothing or fashion like the way the wife of a rich man would burden him.’ Sahih (Albani) Silsila ahadeeth sahiha 591

 وعن جابر بن عبدالله رضي الله عنه أن النبي – صلى الله عليه وسلم – قال : ) إن أول ما هلك بنو إسرائيل أن امرأة الفقير كانت تكلفه من الثياب أو الصيغ  ما تكلف امرأة الغني.   

 

F. MISCELLANEOUS         متنوعة   

 1. Seeking knowledge together with men 

Abu Hurayra reported, “A woman came to the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and said, ‘Messenger of Allah! We cannot come to sit with you, so set aside a day when we can come.’ He said, ‘Your appointed place is the house of so-and-so.’ He came to the women at that time. Part of what he said to them was, ‘There is no woman among you who has three children die, resigning them to Allah, who will not enter the Garden.’ A woman said, ‘And if it is two?’ He replied, ‘And if it is two.'”   

عَنْ  أَبِي هرَْيرََ ة: جَاَءتِ اْمرَأة إَِلى رَسولِ الِله صلى الله عليه وسلم فقاَلتْ : يا رَسُوَل الِله، إَِّنا لَا نقدرُ عََليكَ فِي مجْلِسِكَ، فوَاعِْدَنا يوًْما نأتِكَ فِيهِ، فقَاَل : موْعُِدكُنَّ بيْتُ فلَانٍ، فجَاَءُهنَّ لَذلكَ اْل وعِْد، وَكاَن فِيمَا حََّدَثه نَّ: ما مِنكنَّ اْمرَأة يمُوتُ لَها ثلَاثٌ مِنَ اْلوََلِد، فَتَحْتسِبهمْ، إِلَّا دخََلتِ اْلجَنة، فَقاَلتِ اْمرَأٌَ ة: أَوِ اْثنا نِ؟ قاَ ل: أوَ اْثنان. Grade    : Sahih (Al-Albani) Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 148  

2.   Spreading knowledge  

Ibn Mas’ud (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: I heard the Messenger of Allah()ﷺ  saying, “May Allah freshen the affairs of a person who hears something from us and communicates it to others exactly as he has heard it (i.e., both the meaning and the words), for it may be that the recipient of knowledge understands it better than the one who has heard it.” [At-Tirmidhi Book 13, Hadith 14] 

 وعن ابن مسعود رضي الله عنه قال: سمعت رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم يقول:  “نضر الله امرًءا سمع منا شيئا فبلغه كما سمعه فرب مبلغ أوعي من سامع” ))رواه الترمذي وقال: حديث حسن صحيح((.  

3. Pre and Post islamic women status 

Narrated Ibn `Abbas: (in a long hadith that) Umar had said: “By Allah, in the Pre-lslamic Period of Ignorance we did not pay attention to women until Allah revealed regarding them what He revealed regarding them and assigned for them what He has assigned.

 قَاَل عُمَرُ وَاَّلِلّ إِْن كنا فِي اْلجَاهِلِيَّةِ ما نعُُّد للن سَاِء أَْمرًا،  حَتَّى أنزََل اَّلُلّ فِيهِنَّ ما أنزََل وَقسمَ لُهنَّ ما قَسَمَ .    Sahih al-BukhariBook 65, Hadith 4913   

 4. Women as a source of knowledge

Narrated Abu Musa: “Never was a Hadith unclear to us – the Companions of the Messenger of Allah – and we asked ‘Aishah, except that we found some knowledge concerning it with her.” 

عَنْ أبِي موسَى، قاَل ما أشْكلَ عليْنَا أصحابَ رَسُولِ  اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم حَِديثٌ قَطُّ فسألنَا عائِشََة إِلَّا    .وَجَْدَنا عِنَْدَها مِنُْه عِْلما Grade    : Hasan (Darussalam) Jami` at-Tirmidhi Book 49, Hadith 4257   

5. Causing another woman’s abortion 

Narrated Hisham’s father from Al-Mughira bin Shu’ba: Umar consulted the companions about the case of a woman’s abortion (caused by somebody else). Al-Mughira said: The Prophet ()ﷺ   gave the verdict that a male or female slave should be given (as a Diya). Then Muhammad bin Maslama testified that he had witnessed the Prophet ()ﷺ   giving such a verdict. Sahih al-Bukhari 6905

 عَنْ عُمَرَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ أنُه استَشارَُهمْ فِي إِْملاص اْلمَرْأةِ فقاَل اْلمُغِيرَُة قضَى النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم بِاْلغُرَّةِ عَبد أوْ أم ةٍ. فقاَل اْئتِ منْ يشهد معَكَ، فَشَهَِد محَمَُّد بنُ مسَْلم ة أََّنُه شَهَِد النبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَضَى بِهِ .   

6.   A woman who dies in childbirth is a martyr 

It was narrated from ‘Uqbah bin ‘Amir that the Messenger of Allah ()ﷺ   said: “There are five things, whoever dies of any of them is a martyr. The one who is killed in the cause of Allah is a martyr; the one who dies of an abdominal complaint in the cause of Allah is a martyr; the one who dies of the plague in the cause of Allah is a martyr; and the woman who dies in childbirth in the cause of Allah is a martyr.” Sahih (Darussalam) Sunan an-Nasa’i 3163 

 عَنْ عُقبة بنِ عَامِرٍ، أن رَسُوَل اَّلِلّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَاَل : خَمْسٌ منْ قبِضَ فِي شَىء مِنُْهنَّ فهوَ شهِيٌد اْلمقْتوُل فِي سَبِيلِ اَّلِلّ شَهِيٌد وَاْلغَرِقُ فِي سبِي لِ اَّلِلّ شهِيٌد وَاْلمَبطُوُن فِي سَبِيلِ اَّلِلّ شَهِيٌد وَاْلمَطعُوُن فِي سَبِيلِ اَّلِلّ شهيٌد وَالنفسَاُء فِي سَبِيلِ اَّلِلّ شَهِيٌ د ”   

Alhamdulilah this is the end of our series on ‘100 hadiths on women’. For better understanding of these hadiths, refer to a sheikh or scholar who can give you more clarifications concerning the hadiths.

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GRIEF

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There are five stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. You know this because you heard a widow talk about it. But that is not exactly the whole story. You are immersed in your own grief, maybe not that of widowhood but the intense grief is definitely there.

You have been married to the same man for twelve long years. It was a love marriage, or so you thought. Five months into the marriage you realize you are married to a narcissist who doesn’t really care about you. You are his victim. He is emotionally abusing you but that is something no one talks about right? People talk of infidelity in marriage, physical abuse, sexual abuse, negligence…but who talks about being emotionally abused? You know what people will say. They will say you are ungrateful. You have a husband who pays the bills and feeds you, what more do you want? So you are patient with him. Maybe he will change. Maybe he will see that he is mistreating you and change for the better.

A year goes by, but he is still cold, rude and arrogant. He dismisses your existence the way a patient dismisses they are about to die. They ignore it. That’s what he does to you. He ignores you. He makes you feel small. He makes you feel unloved. You feel like a ghost. You wonder why. You question a lot of things. What happened to the love he claimed to have for you? What changed? Is it that he realized you are less beautiful than he actually thought? Is he dissatisfied with what you bring to the marriage table?

Soon enough, the first baby comes, and he is an excited dad for a minute. Then the rejoicing is all gone. It is all about duties once again. Buying pampers and cerelac. Then the second baby comes along. Then the third. Then the fourth. Before you know it, it has been twelve years already. You have withered like a flower. You have lost weight and your will to live life as it should be.

When you had the first baby, you thought, ‘maybe this is it. Maybe he will now be more emotionally available for us’ but he didn’t. You thought of giving it time. You have hope. You have faith that things will get better. But four children later, your husband is still like a dead man walking. No emotions. No intimacy. No proper communication. All along, people could see your misery behind your forced smile. You never had to say anything, they just knew by how each one of you would take a different lane while walking at the road. Or how he would go to the farthest section from you in the supermarket. Or how he would quickly let his hand slip when you try to hold his hand in front of your family. People knew. You knew. But you just had a lot more to be grateful for. So you swallowed the bitter pill for years.

On your bedroom wall is a beautiful painting of the serenity prayer used in recovery programs. It says,
‘God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference’

You stare at it every single morning, like it would give you answers.
‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change’ and you wonder, is your marriage and the misery within it something you cannot change? Is it something you should have given up on a long time ago? Is this simply how it was meant to be?

Several friends suggested that you pick your children and walk away. But you always had this anticipation that things will eventually change. You thought, ‘But how can I walk away now when my children are young and need more parents?’ so you postponed it. When they became teenagers, life became even tougher because now, your children are all moody, stubborn and aggressive. You think, ‘This is the worst time to make children go through a divorce’ so you wait until they become adults. But deep down your heart you know it, it wasn’t just about the children. It is also about you. You not accepting that you are caged in an unhappy marriage that is not fulfilling in any way.

You stare at the serenity prayer. ‘Very powerful,’ you think. But do you have courage to change the things you can? Take life into your own hands. Be realistic on where your marriage is headed to? Is it something that can be salvaged? Changed? Saved? Or are you just seeking a mirage. An illusion?

It is like what happens when you are a child and can’t wait to be a teenager because at that age and time, you think being a teenager is the coolest thing. Then the teenage years are as chaotic as humanly possible and you look up to the young adults and you think, ‘these lads have exciting lives. Once I get there, it will be exciting too’ but you get to your twenties and realize there is so much confusion than excitement. Then you anticipate being like the real grown ups with careers and families and friends. But you get there and it strikes you, ‘NO ONE HAS IT FIGURED OUT.’ No one can actually, in full certainty, tell you what they are doing with their lives or where they are headed to. A mirage. You too have been seeking a mirage in your marriage, always anticipating certain incidents to turn around your life. Only, life doesn’t happen like that.

Whenever you think of divorce, you think of your reasons to walk away. How long is it considerable enough to have hope but also not to allow yourself drown in the sea of emptiness? How many months or years should one be in a marriage before they walk away? One year? Two? Five? When is the safest time to walk away without having blame and guilt on you? Its been twelve years and you still haven’t figured this out.

You know the stages of grief because you have been living in grief.

Denial: It is not that he doesn’t love me. He is just not an expressive person. He doesn’t know how to show me that he loves me.

Anger: Why are you doing this to me?! Why did you marry me if you had no interest in valuing me as your wife?! I don’t deserve this! I hate you! I hate that I ever met you!

Bargaining: Please love me.
Please love me.
Please love me.
Please love me.
Please love me.

Depression: I am so so tired. I just don’t want to live anymore. I just don’t want to live anymore!

Acceptance: ….

You are stuck here. In depression. You are yet to decide what really matters to you. You are yet to take action in either freeing yourself or saving your marriage at any cost. You are yet to decide whether an unhappy marriage is a reason good enough to walk away or patience is key here. Miracles do happen. Prayers do get answered. People do turn around and change completely. Question is, is your husband that kind of person? No one is going to decide it for you. No one knows your husband, your marriage, your children more than yourself. No one knows YOU than you. You know you need to face reality now.

You need to decide whether you want to die grieving of lost love or move to the next step of acceptance and take necessary action.

You know the five stages of grief so well, it is heartbreaking.

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