Dowry

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Personally, I consider young marriages the best thing ever. You are not too old to have fun, do all these crazy things young people do while dating and especially that you can have children at a good age and be able to get playful with them. Yet sometimes, for some people, this may not be the best option for them. Parents usually think differently; their focus is on seeing their children happy and settled. However, they take some things for granted when it comes to young marriages involving their children which thereafter costs not just one person but both parties and families. The following are some of the things parents should keep in mind when dealing with such issues:

1. If it is not a happy marriage then she/he is better off without it. Marriage is an entire life of commitment, patience, tolerance, humbleness, understanding and most importantly, love. If the lady or young man is not interested in the marriage then please do not force them into it. This is about their happiness; not about the parents or two families or the business that would prosper if the two families joined. This is your child’s life at stake here. As much as parents are to be respected since they are more experienced in life and they have the wisdom, don’t assume your child’s happiness is the same as what you would consider as yours. We are living in totally different times and our definitions of everything has changed. Please do not force your child. And even when you are right, then definitely there will come a time they will realize it and appreciate your words but still, do not force. The consequences of that can be tragic.

2. When a young man says he wants to get married, GET HIM MARRIED. Parents should stop denying their young men from getting married due to excuses like ‘he is studying’ or ‘you are too young’. We all know that most men are scared of commitments and we probably know it is because of the responsibilities that come with it but if a young man says he needs to get married then it is because he really NEEDS to get married. When you stop him, do keep in mind you have a share of all the evil this young man will do along the way until the time you think he is old enough. This would be happening well if parents tried to understand their son’s situation and accommodate his financial needs and for his wife whilst he settles down. It is not a bad thing if he is given such support because we all know what a young energetic man can do in this current world when he is denied a wife. There is pornography, rape, fornication etc etc. So which would you rather offer to your son? Financial support or a go-ahead to spread immorality in this already rotten world? Same applies with a lady; even if she is studying but asks for marriage then don’t automatically reject. Advise her, yes but don’t get rough lest she becomes rebellious. Such issues need mature talks rather than abusive ones. This doesn’t mean parents should let them get into marriage just because of intimacy for marriage is a lot more than that. It therefore depends on the young man involved. If he is known to be responsible then why not? If he still needs to be grow up then parents should be there to advise him and guide him before letting him take up the commitment.

3. When a young man says he is not ready to marry then do not force him into it. As much all parents fear for their children on the fitna around and wish for them to settle down as soon as possible, pushing him to get married is unsaid of. Ironic thing about families is that they will be quick to say, ‘get married son, we will support you do the wedding’ so they will contribute thousands and thousands for dowry and a huge wedding and then when the boy comes to borrow salt from their house, they will be the same people to say, ‘see he took responsibilities he couldn’t handle and now he just keeps borrowing here and there.’ Oh! Weren’t you the same people who pushed him to marry even when you knew he is not ready financially and even maybe psychologically? Nowadays we have so many ladies so miserable in their marriages and maybe even have children because her home is just like a lodging to her spouse. He only comes home for food and bed and nothing else. Why? Because the boy was pushed to marry yet he still fancies his bachelorhood life and he lacks maturity. If the young man can control himself then well and good; please let us not ruin ladies’ lives because of an immature being. Again, same applies to a lady.

4. There is nothing like ‘You are rejecting God’s blessing or rizq’. How many times, have we heard parents or other people talk of ‘wakataa rizki’. Truly, marriage is a blessing and there are so many ladies out there who wish that any man would knock on their doors but this doesn’t justify the pressure parents and relatives put on their children so as to get married. We all have to keep one important detail in mind: When God wants something to happen then it WILL happen whether we like it or not; and He knows it better. Therefore, people should stop misusing this statement. If it is one’s rizq then it will definitely happen. It is NOT their rizq that’s why they rejected and most importantly, it is because God did not will it to happen.

5.Coming to the consequences, there are some psychological effects of pushing children to get married. Some end up hating the whole idea of marriage while some go into marriage with an attitude. Where will the peace be found in such a home? The one forced will always be moody and temperamental and will always find faults in the spouse. Where is the happiness there? Some people are lucky that with time they were able to accept their spouse as they are and finally found the peace and joy… but for others it ends up being a miserable life which may end up in divorce. Parents should know that the pressure they exert on their children affects them deeply more than they can imagine. So please stop the psychological torture, blackmail and bullying. Please stop using words like ‘what if we die without seeing your wedding?’. Where is the belief in qadar (fate) here??

6. If someone is on a self-discovery journey then please respect that. Some people have issues; deep issues. Some have very low esteem. Some don’t love themselves. Some are broken. Some need to stand up from their fall. Some need self acceptance. The current generations have too much stress; which is such an unfortunate thing but nonetheless, we can’t close our eyes to these problems. Parents should help their children deal with their emotional problems before pushing them into marriage. How can someone love someone else before they know how to love themselves?

7. Personally, I really dislike when I hear families saying, ‘She is a wild girl, maybe he will be able to settle her down’ Same case with boys. So many times parents have married off their wild, hyper, immature children to partners with good profiles with the hope that they will change. As much as I understand the plight of the parents but this is unfair sometimes for they are using the girl/boy. It is no longer a marriage but rather a therapy. Not unless the other child involved is interested then this shouldn’t be okay at all. Most of the times, the one being used here is the one who ends up being miserable. How do you marry off your daughter to a drug addict just because he needs someone to change him? No one can change anyone except when they are willing so. Change is self driven.

8. Marriage is a beautiful thing really and parents, especially of the lady, should know that when their daughter is proposed then it is her life, her chastity and dignity that is in hand here. As much as you believe your daughter is priceless, do put into consideration how much damage you are causing by demanding high dowry rates or only accepting very rich men’s proposals. Yes money is important but not more important than your daughter’s happiness and dignity.

The old say, if you haven’t tasted marriage then you haven’t tasted the sweetest part of life. It’s a bond that can’t be compared to any other and for us, the Muslims, it can be your reason to go to jannah. So for the married couples, I hope you are doing it right 🙂 And for the parents, please be supportive to your young men and ladies; you are all they got! Because at the end of the day, a young man’s/woman’s perception about marriage is shaped by what they have seen from their parents. So parents have a big role to play in such matters coz you have been it and much as experiences may differ, you are familiar with the common denominators in marriage which might act as critical pointers as to how our children perceive of marriage.But when all is said and done, it is the role of parents to encourage their children to uphold the institution of marriage because negative forces exist and the event of falling into it is a real threat. May Allah protect us all and guide us on the right path.

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In this era, a wedding’s expenses could cost you a life time debt and maybe even after you die, your children coming after you will still have to continue with the payment. Just the preparation of the bride could take around a hundred thousand Kenyan Shillings; her gown, her shoes, the henna, the make-up, the hair stylist, the new clothes, the jewellery and so much more. Then comes the dowry whereby a lady or maybe the family could demand for another three to five hundred thousand and some demand for as much as a million; maybe she sweats udd who knows? lol After that comes the walimah itself and we have the lunch event, the night event with so glorified names that if you have never attended such, you would be curious to attend one. When it comes to the feeding celebrations, now that is where no one wants to be left behind. Everyone wants their wedding to be the one to be talked about forever. They will decorate the hall excessively; forgetting that it is just some countable hours’ event. They will ensure there is a variety of food that may remain till the end of the week and even feed a whole ummah from it. Well I am sure even as reading this, some people would be cursing me inside and saying, ‘it’s the biggest day for a lady and it just happens once. She deserves it.’ But hey! we are forgetting a very important thing here; what is the impact of such big events and demands for high dowry? What does it do to the other youth watching what is happening?

A young lad could think: I have my beautiful girlfriend; a lady and a half. All it could ever cost me to take her to bed is a candle night dinner and a romantic film or probably just a walk to the movies with our popcorn and after that she is all mine or for some, it just costs him giving her some money to go do her hair, manicure and pedicure…oh! my world is complete! If this lad does this every week or even once in a month or whatever time, he is by no far a husband to the lady. You hear people calling their girlfriends ‘wifey’ or the lady calling him ‘hubby’ and people find it so amusing; ‘aww they are so cute’. And for the parents and elders they will be cursing them; but what do we expect from young people when you have clearly shown them that being in a relationship is the short cut to everything? ‘I get the girl with no much expense, no stress of having to stay with her all the time, no big threat of getting children and to top it up is that I have my freedom!’ Isn’t that what most people want? And we are the ones playing a bigger role in making them play the ‘hubby and wifey game’.

So what have we done to the religion of Allah? Haven’t we made zinaa the easier way out by the day? If a guy loves some girl then he will see, ‘why should i bother marry her; have to get loans for the dowry and wedding expenses, plus there will be much bigger responsibilities to come, when I can have her right now for some pennies?’ Isn’t this probably the reason why the prophet peace be upon him said that the most blessed nikah is the one with the least expenses?

To all the mothers. fathers and guardians out there; save your children from zinaa by making the dowry and nikah expenses low. Don’t scare off young men with large amounts that could give them heart attacks by the end of it. I hear some parents go to the extent of listing down how much they spent on their daughter’s education throughout her life and that ends up being her dowry amount. Parents, what you forget is, this young man can easily convince your daughter to sleep around with her with no much effort if they were in love. So if this young man has respected her to date and he was a gentleman enough to come for her officially don’t turn them away for dowry purposes. For sure, you wouldn’t want your daughter’s dignity to be killed just for some popcorn and a movie.

#Food for thought

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NIKAH VS ZINAA: WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO THE RELIGION?