fit in


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I am not really sure when Introvertism became trendy or anything fancy but all I know, for me, it has never been easy. It’s never been easy for anyone. It’s not comfortable, it’s weird and awkward and clumsy and precipitation and anxiety, sometimes creepy. Yet, it’s also solace and small circles and deep talk and books and coffee and cats (not for everyone but we do have our good moments 😉 )

But oh well, we are the millennials. We have previously tried to make something out of absolutely nothing and we have succeeded. We are so desperate to be SOMETHING and then BOOM! came the word ‘Introvert’; such a sassy word mahn nay? and so we made it be something most of the time is not. Feels so classy even saying it. “Hey hi, I’m Lubnah and I’m an introvert”
Then everyone replies, “Hi Lubnah, welcome” like the way they say in these Hollywood movies during self-help group sessions.

Well for people like me, the Introverts who are Millennials I mean, we are lucky to be born in the 21st Century because we can get away with some things and claim it on ‘I’m an introvert’ or at least we can say, “some few people understand and accept us for what we are”. This is where I blush stupidly 😀 I mean, aren’t we lucky? We could even start our own society soon 😀

You know sometimes though, you meet people or you are going through someone’s bio and they’ve written ‘Introvert’ on their bio and you know them too well to be even CLOSE to being an introvert and you go like, “Ati Whoott?!” 😀

I mean do people even have an idea what it’s really like to be an introvert? The struggle? The trying-so-hard to be fit in somewhere? Especially when you want to be at the corner yet everything is round. Or do people just assume it’s something fabulous and sophisticated to say and mention in our biographies?… But well, I do get that same above reaction several times. People read my blog and hear me rant about very ‘serious’ and bold issues and they haven’t even met me in real life so they entirely dismiss the idea that i’m an introvert. Well, that’s until they meet me. And they go, “You are the writer?…I expected…” I want to say, “You expected someone as huge as my words, probably slaying in some long heels and so much sass or perhaps elegance and then you meet this timid girl looking like a hungry squirrel, you almost confused me to be a school girl” But then I just politely laugh it off with, “I know I know I hear that a lot.” I thought this was the generation who knew better that what we see in the internet rarely and barely describes our true lives. We are quite different people behind those screens. Well, at least most of us.

I know my journey as an introvert is different from others but I also know it’s still very similar. And what I mean for this is, if we are going to make ‘introvert’ seem so cute and fancy then we should also accept the weird, absurd side of it too right? So here we go, i’ll take you through some of my thoughts of being ‘weird’:

Invitation to an event
(Just outside the event venue)
“Hey excuse me? Umm, is the room full already? Like how many people? Umm, is there a back door? urgh, no back door? Could you please my friend her name is so and so, please tell her to pick me up? I can’t reach her via phone. It’s off. No no I’ll just wait for her then we can walk in together. What?! You can’t find her? Can you escort me please?? Oh thank you so much! I already feel like everyone is watching me. *Gasps* Never mind. Thank you for escorting me!”

Going into the elevator
(Rushes in to a corner)
Okay okay we are enough people already, why are people still over loading this small tiny thing? Uff! I can’t even breath. What if someone hears me breathing loudly or everyone? Oh my God that’s terrifying. I can hold my breath for a moment or do it as slowly and silently as they do it in yoga. This thing still makes me feel dizzy ;/ …Wow! This lady has so much courage! She is talking on the phone while all these people are at a pin-drop silence! How do you do that ma’am? Just hearing your voice in an over crowded tiny space? (I almost wanna ask.) Bravo bravo!!

Eating in public
Okay slooowly let’s take a bite. It shouldn’t disrupt anyone’s peace or even worse, draw attention. Eat like you chewing stolen food. No one should feel you are even there. Make sure your mouth and teeth behaves. No embarrassments please? Good. Like that. No fuss. No one is noticing. Good. Slow but sure. No hurry ma’am. (You can imagine the struggle when trying to eat something like crisps or an apple)

Dialing a call
Please don’t pick up
Please don’t pick up
Please don’t pick up
1 2 3…3 seconds are gone, she hasn’t picked up. not my fault!
(Shouts across the room excitedly) “She hasn’t picked up. I will just send her a text message or a mail 🙂 ” SATISFACTION.
Then someone decides to ruin your moment.
“Try dialing again”

On a call
“Hey hallo”
“Why is your voice like that? Are you whispering?”
“I’m with people”
“So I can’t talk loudly. Let me go outside… Okay, tell me now…”
“Is there a secret?”
“No why?”
“Why can’t you talk in front of other people?”
“It’s just uncomfortable listening to my voice echoing to my ears. Do you get it? No you can’t get it. Never mind.”

Texting a friend
“Oh my God I have good news for you!!”
“Aha bismillah what’s up?”
“Let me call you…or wait, video call is better. I want to see your reaction”

In a public transport vehicle
Okay, I have to rush to my seat. The last seat at the very last corner so that I can look out the whole way and don’t have to have people pushing and rubbing my knees to pass back and forth. That seat is solace. You can read a book or send a text message without wondering whether the two people sandwiching you are peeping at your screen or book.

Going out
Wow it’s a beautiful day to talk a walk. I could do good with some sunshine.
Someone: Hey, do you want to accompany to the mall?

When your friend doesn’t show up at the event and doesn’t pick your calls

When talking with a friend at a public place

That’s too loud iiy! Lower the volume please!

Going to the market for shopping
Me: Yey!! Finally going to get what I wanted.
Also me, five minutes after entering the market:
Where are all these humans coming from?!!

When strangers or people you barely know ask for a meet up

When people ask for justification for your very awkward, weird social tendencies (especially since you’re a journalist)

 Bruh!! Not again please!!

Well, we have a reaction for everything so this would probably not end today lol. All in all, I think people should just accept us for who we are. I mean, like for me, I do talk in front of crowds of people, my job sometimes requires me too and I do and sometimes I shake like an old generator running out of fuel and sometimes I perform so well. Sometimes I do bold things like start up a conversation with a stranger or eat in public but the end of the day, i’m going back right to my cocoon where it feels home and safe. Don’t judge, don’t criticize, don’t manipulate.

Social interactions especially when it goes beyond our scope, suck up our energy and I mean that literally. We become drained and exhausted. Sometimes we want to make friends sometimes we don’t. We talk a lot on the internet more than we do in our real lives. Sometimes we want to meet up with friends sometimes we just want to lay on bed in our pajamas, whole day long and watch or read something nice. When we say we need the space, we really need it. We’re complicated humans. We’re trying our best to act normal and bond and maybe you don’t get it how we are what we are, but we appreciate ourselves and it is OKAY if you don’t get it. Just respect our boundaries and accept us for who we are. Halla introverts! 😀

No hard feelings people. This was meant for fun and to learn 🙂

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