Photo Courtesy: http://www.loverofsadness.net/
By: Husna Lali
Remember the “Forever Alone” memes? Or the ‘mother’s’ joke that goes like “inner beauty doesn’t get you free drinks?” Not a joke anymore. Here’s why; but wait before we do please buckle up. This roller coaster will go only one way, up or down. Feel free to choose which one of the two. You’re either going to hate me for rubbing salt to that injury/ bruise that huge-like the China wall-ego and brand me a wannabe feminist or thank me for opening up your eyes to show you you deserve better/make you mend your ways.
It’s the 21st century,lower primary school kids have their ‘feelings’ all over the place, and mind you it is so normal it is frightening. I remember back in primary,having this huge crush that lasted ages, and by ages I mean years on a guy who got transferred to some other school and we never got to talk to each other way until early/almost mid 2012. Was he worth it?? Not so sure. Is it realistic?? Are you seriously waiting for an answer to that? Did I date him? Nope. But I did do some other guy. And by ‘do’ I mean go on a couple dates with him and isht.
I am going to talk about dating, and boyfriends/girlfriends and all these before marriage relationships. I won’t base it on religion. ‘nuf’s been said about that. From masjids, to IRE lessons to very strict parents who would make a very very big deal out of it to brothers who’d threaten to kick both your asses if he ever found you with some guy. I am going to base it on logic. It’s mind versus heart here. And the Genesis begins.
You know that thrill and those dopamine waterfalls that run through your nerves watering and blossoming each and every single fiber of your being? Crazy isn’t it? It went ahead and killed all your other logic senses and made you see the world in colors only you could paint, dreams only you could see and a language only you could speak and understand. You would be ready to sacrifice your own integrity and commitment just to see it work out, weren’t you? Well, been there done that. Fortunately or unfortunately I needed that just once to understand like really, it was all a mirage in this scorching desert called love. It was just some kind of a hypnosis that you seriously need to wake up from. Flick on that divergence switch and like Tris realize that it’s just a simulation. Unreal. (Divergent Fandom’s members will get this reference). It is all hormones getting excited and acting up like some chemical reactions/experiments you did in Chemistry and Physics.
Different people have different sets of DNA and other biological explanations on Genetists would care to point out. That we all know right? Ideally my levels of hormonal reactions and fluctuations are completely different from my sister’s even though we probably have a 51+% match. Again girls’ and guys’ hormones are also waaaay different from each other, making how we perceive to things differently. For example, a guy would take in pain and handle it differently from how a girl would. Makes total sense. So you can imagine how it does to a person who’s in love. Don’t get it twisted. I am for one, not against love. I absolutely love love. But is pursuing it worth my while? Is it going to diverge my focus from something that really matters, and capitulate me by gripping me with its demonic hands and make me a prisoner of my own being?
So you do fall in love, that cute guy from school, neighborhood, Facebook/Instagram, Friend of friend. The first weeks is all about the guy waiting for you to get online just so he can text you and tell you sweet words, cheesy lines and you get so invested in that relationship it turns out to be one of the very important things you got to do in a day.
I dare you to look back at such times, after you’ve been in a relationship for a few months, or give it years and then tell me if the thrill is still the same. In one way or another, interest is lost and by the time you realize it wasn’t worth it, it’s going to be too late; and a lot little.
I am going to point out only two reasons as to why you shouldn’t date; instead get married:
1) It’s a diversion to your life goals. As dead shot from comic says: “It’s a bullet to the brain (He meant love; but that’s just it). So you have goals in life; you want to be that teacher, media person, doctor, lawyer or engineer but you also wanna be that hopeless romantic actor, only this is a reality show. You can’t be two at the same time, as much as people claimthey can multi-task and isht. Take one step at a time and everything like the thought through chess pieces, will fit in the jigsaw of life.
As Lady Gaga says, if you ever think of choosing between your career and a love interest. Choose wisely because not a single day would you wake up to your career saying, “It’s over between you two” (Google the exact quote). I am not even a nerd, who would say I spend my free time studying, but I know that pursuing love is not worth this tie. That time will come, and when it comes you’ll know it.
Someone/some of you would say, it’s because I am afraid of love. That might be true. but then, putting all matters of the heart aside, why waste time on uncertainty, when there is the naked, crystal clear, staring right at you option of standardized certainty waiting for its turn to be coveted. Most of us have misunderstood or taken for granted what love is. Falling in love is not just falling for the appearance and the time spent together. Those are just spices to the word love. Love is devotion, caring, uplifting, compassion and most of all, building each other. You cannot be doing all this if you are diverging focus on what matters in life and call it love because come a time when shit is getting complicated, you can’t /won’t just rely on hormonal influx.
2) It’s definitely bound to become one sided. In a few-living together and merry making months of being in an illusion, one of you is obviously going to wake up and in turn burst the bubble. This could be because they realize the thrill is over, because yes, you let your guard down and got comfortable and there is no more masking your true self. And the other person becomes disinterested in the other, or it could be because they need to try out new things but you won’t do it with the one person you once found cute because there is another one ready to give just that. It doesn’t happen that way in a marriage and I am sure you know the “how’s the knot” narration because that union was built in a knot in the first place. It was meant to last forever in a marriage and you have witnesses. As for the dating period, it was just you, your boy friend and Iblis pumping his way down your vein. And this is where the one-sided love comes in.
I have been a Sydia shipper (the teen wolf fans will get this) since 2011 and believe me, I know the agony of waiting for someone to notice you, to notice your worth, to notice your existence in their life. As Stiles says, “unrequited love is a bitch.” So if it’s just a crush on a person, and it feels that way. How about someone whom you consider to be in a relationship with. FYI am talking about this on a shipper’s perspective; and it is tiring. You editing images of them and be like “one day yes.” “Drown your thirsty soul in the ocean!” says the little sensible voice,”because that thirst is unquenchable and you know it. “Get over it , and find yourself a Malia.
Guys (am not saying all) can be pretty much jerk-asses for all they know. The minute they know you’re into them, that’s like an agreement you cannot come out of. They can make you do stuff, (sometimes not even directly but they push you to) like post your half-naked pictures, post pictures of him, write your heart breaking story (after you are hurt) in the social media hoping that he will see it or someone will forward it to him yet all people will ever do is have pity and talk about you. Sweetheart, you’re a princess. Know your worth. Keep that head high because your tiara’s falling, for all the wrong reasons. By all means, if it’s anything that you should let fall, it’s that deadest of all weights you’ve been carrying around, waiting for it to realize your worth or even worse, making excuse for him while you’re at it.
There’s some post from @ silent perception, and it said something like, it’s not nature for a guy to sit around and let the girl do all the loving, caring and all devoting shit required in a relationship, while he sits around ignoring you like some celebrity who’s never met their fan. Most guys be ignoring their girlfriends because as they all put it, “Bro’s before hoes.” First, she’s not a hoe, and second, if you (lady) know your worth and have some self love and esteem, you would know there’s something called (“Homie-hoe-stasis”) and I bet we all know what that means. So the next time he avoids you severally in a row, and claims, he’s hanging out with some ‘bros’, just know he doesn’t deserve every second you’re wasting on him. Life is too short to waste on things that have no soul.
With this said, I might have seemed against loving/caring and giving your all in a relationship. Love, by all means love; but then again unless it’s passionate thrilling, satisfying, erotic and most of all mutual, there are so so so many mediocre things in life and love shouldn’t be one of them.