Change – Strokes of My Pen

Mental Health

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

By Lubnah Abdulhalim September 15, 2020

Image Courtesy: https://crewcoop.org/en/drama-triangle/

We’ve all been in some sort of drama in our lives, haven’t we? Not necessarily pulling someone’s hair and scratching their face or fist-fighting in the middle of the conference room. But you get the gist, don’t you? At some point, we willingly or unwillingly got into conflict with someone else. It could be a small confrontation once upon a time or a grudge that’s been going on for ages, either way, we’ve been there. However, most often than not, we are unaware of our roles in the whole drama and how we affect our relationships with other people.

A psychologist by the name Stephen Karpman came up with a social model of human interaction, which maps conflicted or intense-dramatic relationships. He called it ‘The Drama Triangle’.

The Drama Triangle consists of three players: The victim, The Rescuer and The Prosecutor.

The Victim: The Victim’s stance is “Poor me!” or “why is this happening to me?” The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, Shameful, Guilty. The Victim sees life as happening to them and feels powerless to change their circumstances. Victims place blame on a Persecutor who can be a person or a situation. Feeling helpless, the victim seeks a rescuer to save them or solve their problems.

The Rescuer:The rescuer’s line is “Let me help you.” The rescuer is an Enabler, Pain reliever, takes the responsibility of others’ problems. They feel guilty when they don’t rescue someone else. He/she keeps the victim dependent on him to always help and save him. The rescuer focuses their energy in helping other people in order to ignore their own anxiety and issues and feel good about themselves.

The Persecutor: The Persecutor insists, “It’s all your fault” or“They’re wrong I’m right. They need to do as I say.” The Persecutor is critical, oppressive, frustrated, angry, critical, controlling, superior, blaming.

Image Courtesy: https://www.susannejegge.com/en/2019/05/29/drama-triangle-part-2/

We, as human beings, tend to switch around the three different roles in our lives. Sometimes we’re the victims, sometimes we’re the rescuers and sometimes we’re the persecutors. Each one of us has a starting gate, which is the dominant role we play i.e when a conflict arises, there’s the role we automatically take. For example, when a misunderstanding happens at work, you could automatically start blaming the other person for the mistake, which makes you the persecutor. Maybe a little while later, when summoned by your boss to explain the conflict, you turn to be a victim. And in case there was a third party involved who was not at fault, you become a rescuer, you stand up for them and fight for them even when they didn’t ask you to.

Rescuers most of the time have low self-worth and they tend to take part in destructive helping i.e. they do what they don’t want to. They say yes when they mean no and they fix other people’s problems and feelings, sometimes even when not asked. Rescuers typically feel unlovable so they settle for being needed. Caretaking provides them with a temporary hit of good feelings, self-worth, and power. However, caretaking is also martyrdom and people-pleasing behaviour (not healthy AT ALL!).

Sometimes, rescuers use religious beliefs to justify their destructive helping. Religion does encourage us to help people but not at the expense of our own destruction. A rescuer needs to understand that there’s a difference between supporting someone and rescuing them. All that is expected from us is to support people, be there for them without necessarily sacrificing ourselves or our own lives for the sake of other people. Caretaking breeds anger: Unsatisfied, frustrated, confused and this is because ultimately, you will get tired of trying to save everyone. And this frustration and exhaustion is what typically makes one turn to be a prosecutor; you start getting angry that people don’t appreciate you enough and that’s when the cliche lines comes in (when the one helped tells the rescuer): “Did I ask you to do this for me?” Or you feel hurt when people don’t reciprocate the amount of energy you invest in them which could turn you into a victim: “People always mistreat me or under-value me.” It is noted that self-destructive behaviours like chemical abuse, sexual and eating disorders are developed through the victim role.

Now on the flip side, we have ‘The Empowerment Dynamic’ (TED) which is made up of three roles that stand as antidotes to (or escapes from) the Drama Triangle Roles:
1. The Creator: (previous victim): In this case, the victim asks themselves questions like “what creative ways can I deal with this problem?” “what are my goals?” “what is my passion?” They take charge of their own lives and have self-awareness.
2. The Coach: (previous rescuer): In this case, the rescuer is no longer an enabler but a supporter. They listen and hold your hand, they support and they want you to be the best version of yourself.
3. The Challenger: (previous persecutor): In this case, the persecutor asks themself questions like “Don’t you think you’re doing this because you want this?” They challenge you to grow.

Image Courtesy: https://rosaliepuiman.com/drama-triangle-and-leadership/

How To Save Yourself From The Drama Triangle:

1. Being aware of the toxic patterns: “what am I seeking when I play out the victim/rescuer/persecutor role?” “Am I seeking attention? Do I crave love? Do I yearn for power? Am I trying to hide my insecurities? Am I helping people to run away from my own problems?”

2. Honest communication: Say exactly what you need or seek from the other person or what you’re feeling. e.g. If you feel insecure whenever your husband goes out with his friends during weekends, then tell him you feel insecure and need reassurance. If your wife wants to go on a trip with her friends and you think they’re a bad influence, talk to her about it instead of just trying to sabotage the trip. Save everyone the drama and the conflict. Silent treatment doesn’t do anyone any good. Honest communication goes a VERY long way in building better connections (It can be very difficult to really be vulnerable and speak your heart out, but that’s exactly what is needed for healthier relationships)

3. Say no when you want to say no.

4. Do the things YOU want to do, not to please other people, not to rescue someone, but because you literally want to do the thing.

5. Refuse to guess people’s needs/wants i.e. If someone hasn’t directly asked you for something don’t do it (of course it depends on the situation. If someone is stabbed, please help them without them asking?). Sometimes your intention could be to help yet end up making matters worse or spoon-feeding the victim who should stand up for themselves.

6. Insist that others ask you directly for what they want or need from you. i.e. when someone is telling you their problem, ask them nicely what they need from you or how you can support them (if you are in a position to help that is, if not, don’t kill yourself with guilt over it).

7. Refuse to assume others’ responsibilities. Refuse to rescue and refuse that other people rescue you. At the end of the day, each human being should deal with their own lives. Not unless someone is disabled or mentally challenged, very ill, or very elderly, (even this depends on context), don’t be anyone’s saviour or persecutor. If your child does wrong, let him/her face the consequences of their actions. Saving sometimes leads to more terrible damage than we intended.

I honestly believe we’ve all been here, but some more than others. Accept your mistakes, take charge of your life and work on being better, build better connections and have healthier relationships!

P.S. We see these triangles a lot in soap operas movies and shows, (fairy tales too!) but that is why they are called ‘drama series/shows’. They are NOT healthy and there’s nothing romantic about it! Drama makes a good book, a good show or movie, but it doesn’t make a good life. Let’s please leave those for entertainment only.

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Kiddie Tales

THE LIFE CHANGER (part 3)

By Lubnah Abdulhalim April 29, 2017

By: Naima Baghozi

Photo Courtesy: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com

#7
After visiting their daughter, the parents took Dasi and went back home. They entered their house with real excitement, anticipating the return of their daughter the next day.

Along the way they bought some fruits and whatever they required for the great welcome of their daughter. They could hardly sleep that night with excitement. Very early the following morning they all set out to collect Sahira from the hospital. Upon arrival, she too was so ready waiting for them. All her medicines were packed in a plastic bag while her little belongings were already in her red duffel bag.

After the farewell to the doctor and nurses, they were off on their way home. Sahira couldn’t wait to get home for she had really missed it; however she wondered how she would climb that little flight of stairs. She had quite a surprise when their car stopped at a little rump next to the stairs. Her eyes moistened a bit and knew that her family had really been at work and that the changes she was undergoing, they were too.

Her father helped her out of the car and helped to wheel her over the rump and straight into the house they entered. She immediately noticed all the changes that had been made for her and realized how much love they shared as a family. Her bedroom was the best and of course, this was solely her mother’s work. She was so grateful to both her parents and to her brother for the comforts they have provided her.
The changes were tough for the whole family and it took them a little time to get used to their new lifestyle. But getting used they did and they tried their best to be as comfortable and happy as could be.

Sahira took her medicines without any fail and was taken for her physiotherapy twice a week as per the doctor’s instructions. She did without any fail as she was really determined to get well and be able to walk by herself again.
Days turned to weeks then into months until after six months or so the doctor called her parents again to have a discussion with them. So, the parents came into the hospital and went straight to the doctor’s office where they found him with the physiotherapist awaiting them.

After greetings and after being seated, the doctor looked at them, smiling and said:
“The reason for my calling you in today is to give you good news, that Sahira is now ready for the operation.”
“Oh really doctor?”
“Yes maam, she is very ready. The therapy which we were doing was very successful and to be honest, your daughter’s determination was what really made it possible for the operation to be done now,” the physiotherapy replied.
“So when do you plan to do the operation?” the father asked.
“In two days time God willing. So I will need you to bring her in tomorrow evening. She needs to sleep here so that early the following morning we can prep her as we intend to operate on her very early indeed.”

The parents agreed on that and stood to go home to explain to their daughter of their arrangements. The next evening, they left their home with excitement but equally nervous. At the hospital, Sahira was taken to her room and her family stayed with her a little while and then about nine o’clock they had to leave but her mother decided to remain with her. Her father and brother would come back early the following morning.

The D-day was finally here and it dawned on the whole family with great expectations. The moment finally came for Sahira to be wheeled to the theatre and the family had a small prayer before she was taken away. The family followed behind, offering Sahira all their support and giving her courage.

All in all, the operation took a little over five hours but to Sahira’s family it was like ages. They had such anxious looks on their faces and her father was pacing up and down in front of the theatre with such a worried look on his face.
Finally, the doors of the theater were flung open and out came the doctor looking very tired. They all rushed to him with question upon question.
“Doctor, how did it go?”
“How is my daughter?”
“Was the operation a success doctor?”
“Please doctor, take us out of this suspense…”
“Okay, okay. Please give me a chance to speak. The operation was quite a success but she is still unconscious. Soon, they will take her to the recovery room but please see her for just a few minutes and please, be very quiet okay?” the doctor said.
“Okay and thank you so much doctor,” they all replied in unison.

As the doctor walked away, the theater doors were flung open again and out came the nurses rolling the trolley with Sahira on it but still unconscious. They all followed behind to the recovery room where they were politely asked to wait outside first as the nurses props her up on the bed.

After a few minutes the nurses came out and told them to go in but to be very quiet. So they did just that, only too happy just to be near her. Two hours passed before Sahira showed some signs of coming to consciousness. Her mum quickly sent Dasi to call the doctor.

Everything turned out well and after a couple of days she was allowed to go home. Of course the walking by herself would take a little more time. She had to first heal from the operation and then do some special exercises before she could contemplate walking again. It would be slowly at first, like a small child starting to learn how to walk for the first time.

All this she did with such excitement and happiness and in about a month she was as good as new, like her old self again. Her parents and brother were the happiest to see Sahira being her joyous self again and thanked God for letting them see her this way once again.

As for Sahira herself, she couldn’t be more thankful to God for the blessing of being able to walk again and of course to her parents too for being supportive and always being there for her.

Finally she said to them:
“This experience has really been a life changer for me and from now onward, I will certainly look at life in a totally different way. Thank you all so much.”
She hugged them all and they hugged her back in return, with their faces full of joy and laughter.

#THE END

Creative Non-Fiction

SOCIAL MEDIA;UNVEILING OUR SHYNESS

By Lubnah Abdulhalim May 13, 2015

Photo Courtesy: http://cdn1.medicalnewstoday.com

You probably have heard of the old times or watched from the television shows or movies of the morals of the previous generations. Many of us may sit down and criticize those tough moral measures that were kept on our parents or grand parents or even great grand parents. We get amused at how parents those times were and laugh sarcastically, calling them ‘old fashioned’. Irony is, we are the ones to be pitied. We the current generation, the children of 21st Century, the children of the internet; we are the ones to be mocked and laughed at.

Though the internet and development of technology has brought to positive benefits in our lives, we fail to see how the social media has unveiled all our shyness and modesty in the name of freedom and choice. I mean, look at the old folks and listen to their love stories. How lovers had to meet in forests and hideouts, how the tale of their love would be top most secret, how touching a lady was such a big deal that one would be beaten up and stoned by the entire neighbourhood by the mere rumour that the boy is stalking a certain girl. Listen to the struggle a man had to go through before ever getting a girl or being accepted to marry him. Listen to how the girl in love would hide and bury all her emotions and never conceal to anyone that she met her lover today. Maybe that’s why the old folks know the meaning of true love and how to respect a woman, that’s because they know the struggle they had to go through with the girl’s parents before finally making her his better half. That’s because, they learnt it the hard way. Listen to how a girl would skillfully hide that she went out with friends without permission from her father; how she would be scared to death on what would happen to her if her father found out she went for a picnic with friends. A young boy smoking weed or hanging out with wrong friends would trick his parents for years giving them the idea he is being a responsible boy. I am for sure not supporting pretence but this just shows how as much as people were doing the wrong things, they were ashamed to tell it to their parents or to let the society see their misdoings openly.

So you see a girl coming out from home in her long dress looking very decent and simple and decides to stop over a friend’s place to change into tiny skimpy dress and for some makeup. This was ofcourse to remain top secret. Then lets have a look at how social media has brainwashed our minds. We were made to believe that we can be whatever we want to be, we can live as freely as we want and in fact, we can put a stop to these old folks interfering with our lives. That we shouldn’t be ashamed of anything. We were fed with images of singers, dancers and lovers and we were made to believe it’s totally OK to be half naked, to show every fine detail of our bodies, we were made to believe that love is random and intimacy before marriage is totally OK, I mean, we all have feelings right? It’s your utmost freedom whether or how you want to deal with those feelings. We are made not to care how painful it would be for our parents to know what we are doing, we are fed with the idea that we are adults and no one should control our actions. So now all we have in our social media is of all kinds of girls showing off their bossoms and bottoms, their hips and hair clips. We have the boys talking of their nights in gangs smoking shisha and weed and literally believing they are stars. And we have the lovers talking openly of how they spent their days and nights together. So where is our modesty here? Is there any shyness left? So who is to blame here? Whom are we going to blame that women are no longer respected and that the women no longer respect their spouses? Whom will we blame when our daughters tell us they are pregnant and our boys, HIV positive?

The social media has enslaved us. It has made us grow with ridiculous opinions and dreams. It has made us cheap. I am quite sure that atleast 50% of the social media users or even more would have a totally different character had they lived without social media. Many regard it as an eye opener to reality but it has not only opened our eyes, it blinded us thereafter. It has made us hypocrites of our own souls, it has drained all the moral teaching we ever had, while feeding us with stories of low life people who are made to be worlds’ stars. We are made to envy the bodies of actresses and models, we are made to be thrilled by their kind of life which is made up of only three things; Wealth and fame while they are keen to not mention their third characteristic of their private lives and that is depression. So girls go crazy over singers and take half naked pictures like them and imitate their hairstyles and fashion. The boys on the other hand fancy the nights out surrounded by women with smoke everywhere and ofcourse this scenario is so much beautified that our poor boys think of it like paradise.

If i may guess, approximately 70% of social media users would not be willing to show their parents their social media accounts. That’s because, many youth have so much that parents have totally no idea about. A poor mother somewhere thinks her daughter is a virgin yet she’s totally not. Another thinks that her daughter is very decent and is very proud to say that to the neighbour, and the neighbour just laughs sarcastically at this poor woman because the whole world knows her daughter is not a saint as she thinks. So we let the whole world know us; what we wear, whom we love, where we go, which part of my face I have a pimple and where I got a dimple, the whole world knows that I spent the night at a boy’s house while my dear parents think their ‘very good daughter’ is at a friend’s place studying. The whole world knows; except the dearest people in our lives whom we keep deceiving. And we are so proud of that that we count ourselves as superstars.

Nonetheless, there are parents who have also been swept off by social media and totally don’t mind this so called ‘freedom’ on their children. Parents have stopped setting limits and showing their children, ‘this is the red line. Do not cross it.’ So how can we blame the youth completely? How can you blame a girl for posting her half naked picture while her mother was there while she was taking the snap and totally said nothing? How can we blame the boy for sleeping around with different women yet his parents very well know he didn’t spend the night home and wasn’t asked what he is up to? And yes, if parents keep being irresponsible and acting just as immature as their children then we can’t hope for a better future.

Whereas we; the current generations were expected to learn from our folks’ mistakes and become more responsible than they were in their youth age, we have totally failed with that. We; the social media generation, are the rotten generation and I honestly don’t think anyone really anticipates how the future generations would be as technology continues to grow. If you are still sane enough in this insane world then thank your Lord and pray that you die with your senses in place.

Creative Non-Fiction

HOW SCARY CHANGE CAN BE

By Lubnah Abdulhalim May 3, 2015

Photo Courtesy: http://cdn2.hubspot.net/

Yes. Change is scary. It is just like how you wake up one morning and feel unusual. You rush to the mirror and find yourself with a bulging nose or maybe your face is full of wrinkles and your hair is totally grey like you just turned 90 years. But how did that happen? I was just 20 yesterday?! Or you wake up and find yourself to have changed gender. You were a girl last night but you just woke up with a shaggy stylish hair cut, with a beard and oh, a deep voice too! Of course you can imagine how frightening such a scenario is. Each and every day, change is swallowing us like slow poison yet we don’t even realize it and that’s exactly what makes it even more frightening.

In life we go through so many physical, emotional, environmental and even psychological changes. We change schools, we move to another neighborhood, we change our diets, we change friends and so much more. Yet there is that dangerous change that’s invisible. The kind of change we all dont notice until we are already in the next level. How many times have you heard someone say, ‘I miss the old me?’ I bet so many many times. But where were you when that old you was going through transition to the brand new you? It’s because we don’t really pay attention to what goes on in our inner selves and most of the times we realize what has happened after it’s way too late.

It’s scary that today I may be poor and humble while tomorrow I may be filthy rich yet arrogant. It’s scary that maybe one day I will be smoking weed and wondering how I ever got to change that much. But nothing is impossible in this life. Don’t relax with the confidence that I will never change. Don’t be over confident that you are pious, that you are strong, that you are firm…all that can totally change in a split of a second. You may become the most arrogant and evil man on earth, you may become so weak and broken that you may not recognize yourself anymore when you take a look at the mirror. What better example can there be than that of Satan who was the most religious in heaven; no one went down on prostration to God more than him, then what happened? He refused to prostrate to Adam due to arrogance and that same arrogance is what made him the most evil living creature in this life. If he who was one of the most beloved to God could change in moments so about us? What about us; we, the weak human beings?

There is a very thin line of change between all sorts of things. Be it between good and bad, between safety and war, between beauty and ugliness, between being whole and being physically challenged. Change will always live within us. You may see a very pretty woman who is famous for her glamour and beauty and just a few moments later you may hear that she got an accident and her face was destroyed beyond repair. Yes, its scary. It’s scary that that once innocent and naive young girl may find herself in a man’ s bed while that young boy who has been playing around with so many girls decides to quit it all and finally settle down. It’s scary that the once down to earth man is now as proud as ever. It’s scary that today I am alive and tomorrow I may be hit by a bus. Or that just as I leave home, that goodbye I say to mum may be the very last one. When I come back home…she might as well be gone forever. It’s scary how much change is controlling us while we barely notice.

Not all change is bad. Sometimes its for the better and when it is for the better, then consistency is very important. You have finally decided to abandon all your ugly past life and you want a brand new life, that’s great! but learn how to keep up with that new life. Learn how to live without looking back at what is gone. Without missing your old ways, without wanting to go back there. Consistency. Learn to be consistent.

At whatever stage of life you may be at this time, have time to check yourself. And maybe its for the better that you realize how scary change can be…and that’s how you can learn to avoid those changes. Of course some changes are unavoidable like the bus that was meant to hit you or the job that you were to get fired from, but there is the change you can control; the behavioural change, the emotional change, the inner change. Make sure they don’t get out of control. Make sure they don’t take you to another level that will always make you regret, ‘how did this happen to me?!’ Instead lets all pray for positive change; the kind of change we can always look back at and say proudly, ‘I have really changed but I needed that change. I am now proud of myself than ever before.’