Tag

Deen


Browsing
Deen (Religion)

CHOOSING THEE ONE (PART 2)

By

To read the first part, click here

Considerations For Marriage

Before we start on what things to consider, here are essential things first:

*Know what you’re looking for.

*Be moderate on the things you’re seeking in a spouse i.e. Be flexible; don’t be too rigid, too specific or have too high expectations. All human beings are flawed in some way, if you aren’t flexible or are seeking perfection, you might struggle for too long to find what you’re looking for, or never find it. Please note that I am not saying you should lower your standards but be realistic in your expectations.

For example, you say you want a husband between the age of 30-35 years but he must be making five or six figures income. I mean, yeah we do have some who do make six figures in that age group but how many?! True, you might actually be lucky and find one, but realistically, is that possible? Are you in an environment that has such individuals? Are you coming from an extremely wealthy family that has connections with other extremely wealthy families that can give you a network to find such an individual? Are you in any way exposed to such individuals? How much do you earn yourself? What are you bringing to the table that would interest such a man/woman to marry you?

Know your worth yes. Have standards yes. Don’t put yourself down yes yes yes! But be realistic, be smart, please.

*Be very aware of the assumption of ‘He/she will change.’ People only change when they are aware and want and put in 100% effort to change. So when considering any individual, see them for who they are NOW, not what they potentially could be in the future if they change. This can easily be one of the most painful ways to harm yourself. The only way this could work is if you find a person already in the process of working on themselves and changing their bad behaviours through taking concrete steps like going for therapy, or rehabilitation (in case of addiction) or having a concrete plan to cut down on their habits (and following that plan!), or acquiring skills that will help with the improvement of the self, not just fake promises and empty words.

* Marry someone who understands your situation. For example, you’re a revert and have no family that is still in touch with you. You’d want someone to understand your situation and not take advantage of you. Or you come from an abusive family and have strained relationships with the members. Some people don’t understand these situations and still expect you to just tolerate the abuse. Or a widow/divorcee with children from a previous marriage-she’d need a man who understands that these children will become his responsibility after marriage.

Another example, an Israeli sister reverts to Islam and wants to get married to a Palestinian whose family is in Gaza. There’s quite a conflict of interest here because each has their family in the warring places, so how will this work? Will the wife understand if the husband refuses to go visit his Israeli in-laws? Will she understand if the husband’s family do not accept her? Will she understand when her husband tells the children about the Palestinian occupation in his own view of things? I mean, some people do take these risks and do get married. But it is important to be prepared for the challenges that come after that.

*Be careful not to let anyone abuse you or take advantage of you. For example, someone wants to marry you in order to acquire citizenship or a green card or a prestigious job in your father’s company etc. Or a man wants to marry a wealthy widow to take advantage of her wealth, or a man wants to marry a revert without paying mahr or giving her very minimal amounts due to her lack of knowledge on her mahr rights. This just shows that someone has no respect for you and your emotions; they’re simply using you.

*Don’t give up hope on what you’re looking for. Marriage is a matter of fate and Allah knows which is the best time for you. Have patience, do your due diligence by searching and make lots of dua that Allah grants you what you want and what is kheyr for you. In your dua, mention the qualities and characteristics you’re looking for. Don’t be shy and don’t limit yourself in what you ask for, for it is only with Allah that there are absolutely no limits in asking.

So what are the things you should consider for marriage?

Please note that the whole purpose of this segment is to give you a guide on how to go about the process of choosing a spouse, not rules to be followed strictly. Life is not simply black and white and fate is very very mysterious. So many very unlikely individuals have had very successful marriages and so many who seemed well put together ended up divorced. There is no 100% guaranteed formula for a successful marriage because at the end of the day, as much as we make the choices, fate could have very different plans for us. Many things differ from era to era, case to case, individual to individual, culture to culture and context to context so please read the following with an open mind.

1. Love

So in the first part of this series, we mentioned how we shouldn’t overestimate the importance of love ALONE in a marriage. As much as that is very true, we can never deny how essential it is for the growth and nurturing of that marriage.

Ibn Abbas reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “We do not see for those who love one another anything like marriage.”[Sunan ibn Majah 1847]

This hadith acknowledges that two individuals can in fact have feelings of admiration and affection before marriage, and the best thing for them is to get married so as to safeguard their chastity and complete half their deen. When love is pure and for the sake of Allah then it is one of the most beautiful things.

We further understand the importance of love in marriage when Allah Subhanahu Wataala said in Suratul Rum, verse 21: “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.”

I remember watching this very insightful clip by Sheikh Nouman Ali Khan where he explains this ayah and he said, “Allah mentioned one thing about marriage that is on top, number one. Everything else is later. He said he made you into spouses for the purpose that you could find peace (tranquility). Sometimes you could love someone without respecting them. You can love someone without being honest with them. You can love someone without caring for them properly. You can love someone but hate their family. And all of these things, you know what they do? They take away the peace. So even if love is there, peace is not. And when peace is not there, the purpose of marriage is gone. The purpose is not love; this comes from Allah (As stated in the ayah above). The purpose is not care (or mercy) that comes from Allah too. Your purpose is to find peace.” (Watch it here)

So the question then becomes, what gives you peace? Is it being respected? Is it being valued? Is it being understood? Is it being prioritized? All the above? Whatever it is, that is what you should be looking for.

I absolutely love poetry so here’s one of my favourite pieces by Andrea Gibson:

“Lately I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and how I need to become, to become the kind of love I want to be. And when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: before I die, I want to be somebody’s favourite hiding place, the place they can put everything they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain that I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.”

This isn’t plain old love, this is about being someone’s love and some more; bringing them peace and being their home-their safest haven. Being a source of warmth, calm and support for them 🙂

Again, hopeless romantics, this is in no way an undermining of the importance of love in marriage. If you love someone, do marry them, for marriage without love is tasteless. But please do consider the other important things to you too. The hope and prayer is that we get to experience the love, the peace and the mercy all at once, ameen!

2. Deen

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!”. (Riyad as-Salihin 364)

And in another hadith, the prophet peace be upon him said, “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption.” (Mishkat al-Masabih 3090)

It is without a doubt that religion is the most important thing to consider in a future spouse. The question to ask oneself is, ‘when I say I want someone religious, what exactly do I mean?’ Religion has levels to it. Someone could say I want a man who is Muslim and fulfils the obligations i.e. prayers, saum, zakat, hajj..khalas. That is enough for me.

Someone else could say I want a man who not only fulfils the obligations but observes the sunnah as well and avoids innovations and major sins i.e. fasting Monday and Thursdays, gives charity regularly, prays qiyam, does not listen to music, follows Qur’an and Sunnah.

Someone else could say I want a man who has studied the Islamic shariah or is an imam or is a hafidh…

You get the gist? Religiosity has levels to it and it is very important for you to know exactly what you’re looking for. Here’s why:

People are on different journeys towards Allah and to some extent, we expect our partners to join us in those journeys and help us grow. However, we also have to be realistic about it. Some individuals are willing to improve their deen and grow and some people are comfortable where they are. So what of those unwilling to become better in their deen? They never said they want to change, why are you giving yourself that task then? People ultimately change because they want to, not because someone else wants to. Advice is golden, sure, people do influence each other to become better, sure. But marrying someone and you’re not pleased with where they are at with their religiosity then trying to force it down their throat thereafter is very frustrating for both parties.

For example, an imam marries a non-hijabi woman. If the woman herself has continuously (and not just for the sake of marriage) shown interest in improving her Islam then that is a different case. He most probably will be a positive influence on her. But imagine him marrying her and then forcing her to wear the hijab. In his opinion, this is his responsibility, this is his wife…that is all true. But you also knew the woman you intended to marry wasn’t wearing hijab, why accept her if you were not pleased with how she is, in the first place?

Or in the case of a pious woman marrying a man who only prays during Ramadhan and he doesn’t even see a problem with that. It then becomes a torment for the woman, trying to push him every single day to pray.

In short, marry someone who doesn’t have a huge gap with your level of religiosity or marry someone who has a higher level than you if you intend to acquire their assistance in your journey to Allah. This does not in any way mean you should undermine anyone. Our imaan is always going up and down and perhaps someday, the person you once looked down upon could one day be closer to Allah than you. However, to avoid problems and unrealistic expectations between the couple, it is advisable that we seek people who are at least close to us or slightly higher than us. This also includes considerations of their sect, aqeedah and avoidance of innovation and major sins.

3. Character

Religiosity without good character traits is not enough. This is because our religion highly promotes good character and thus our prophet peace be upon him was sent to us as a role model and a guide so as to direct us on how to be noble human beings.

This is important to look out for because sometimes seemingly religious people might have such bad behaviours and even abusive habits. So even if you’re pleased with someone’s piety, check out their character too.

Some of the good character traits and qualities to be observed in a person are:

*Generosity and kindness (not just in money but everything i.e. generous in your smile, generous in your giving, generous in your assistance to others by using your time or energy etc)

*Patience

*Wisdom and Maturity

*Faithfulness

*Etiquette in talking, eating and how you act around others

*Smiling face

*Modesty (both men and women)

*Beauty

*Compassion/Loving nature

*Fertile women (The prophet peace be upon him said, ‘Marry the one who is fertile and loving, for I will boast of your great numbers.’ (Sunan an-Nasa’i 3227). Ibn Qudaamah said in al-Mughni:  It is mustahabb that she be from a family whose women are known to bear many children. This comes as a high suggestion from the prophet peace be upon him, nonetheless, it doesn’t mean that infertile women shouldn’t be married. Just as it is permissible for a woman to marry an infertile man, it is also permissible for a man to marry an infertile woman. 

*Virginity for both man and woman (This does not mean the widows and divorcees are not valued, but rather, this is mentioned because the first experiences cause a strong emotional connection between the couple. Nonetheless, the prophet peace be upon him also advised the marriage of divorcees and widows in other contexts. So this differs according to the context).

4. Suitability and Compatibility

“When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption.”

In the explanation of the hadith above, shaykh Waleed Al Basyouni mentioned that when the prophet said ‘someone whose religion and character you are satisfied with’, the word ‘satisfied’ means that you as a father/walii finds this individual as a suitable match for your daughter. Suitable not just in terms of their religiosity or character but also in terms of other matters. This means that sometimes a good, pious man could want your daughter for marriage but may not be suitable for her in one aspect or another.

Lineage and status: Many people consider family lineage and status in order to avoid incompatibility between individuals, however, we do have several cases during the prophet’s time where women of very high status were wedded to ex-slaves or sons of ex-slaves. For example, it has been reported that the Prophet (peace be upon him) married Fatimah bint Qays who was a Qurashy to his freed slave Usamah ibn Zayd (may Allah be pleased with them). The prophet also asked Banu Bayadah to marry off one of his daughters to Abu Hind who was a cupper. There are so many such incidents that happened during the prophet’s time. This is based on the general meaning of Allah’s Saying: “Verily, the most honourable of you with Allâh is that (believer) who has At-Taqwâ [i.e. he is one of the Muttaqûn (the pious)].”

Read the response below to a question on marrying above one’s social level from the website islamqa.info.

“Social level may refer to lineage, wealth, education, profession or job, or it may mean all of them. If a man’s religious commitment and character are pleasing, then he is compatible with the woman, no matter what her social level, according to the more correct view. This is the basic principle and the ruling of sharee’ah. But it remains to examine the situation of each suitor and whether he is suitable to marry one whose social level is above him, or not. 

It seems – and Allaah knows best – that if the difference is great in terms of lineage, wealth, education and profession, that it is not advisable to go ahead with this marriage, because there are usually problems from the woman or her family. There may be differences in lifestyle and the ways in which they do things, which may put the spouses off one another. 

But if the difference is small, or it has to do with one area but can be made up for in another area, then there is nothing wrong with it in that case, such as if the husband is poor but he is highly qualified, or he is qualified for a decent job, or some of his family are of high standing and so on. 

Then there are cases in which the woman and her family are so righteous that they are above looking at material concerns and measuring people thereby, and they may want to choose a husband who is poor because of his righteousness and so on. But it is better if the husband is the one who is of a higher status.   

Whatever the case, the precise advice in each case depends on complete knowledge of both parties and their families. Perhaps you can seek advice from someone whom you trust in your community.“

Personality: There is also the aspect of compatibility in personality. Perhaps a woman is very social and likes spending time outdoors i.e. an extrovert, while the husband is more of an indoor individual. Not that a marriage of these individuals will not work, for we have many of such contrasting personalities and they have succeeded in their marriages. The thing here is, it is important to know of these things before the marriage so that you can think of whether this works for you. For example, the extroverted wife would want to often times go visit her family and go for outings and events, and maybe the introverted husband would not be comfortable living with such a woman. It is thus important for the two to discuss how they can manoeuvre their different personalities and meet halfway so as to avoid frustrations in the marriage. Sometimes individuals decide to break off their deal based on the same.

Another example is, you might dislike very talkative and loud individuals, while someone else might find the very quiet ones to be too boring. Someone else might like individuals who are humorous and crack many jokes, while someone else might consider such individuals to be too unserious with life. Someone might like individuals who are ambitious and passionate about their careers while someone else might feel these individuals are just workaholics and have no life apart from their work. So as they say, one man’s poison is another man’s meat. What might work for you, might not work for another. So it is important for the two individuals to regard whether their personalities are suitable for each other, and if not, whether they’re still willing to go ahead with the marriage and what strategies will they have in place to balance their life.

Lifestyle: Considerations of one’s lifestyle should also be considered. For example, think of a man who is a social media influencer and he highlights his life online. Perhaps he might expect his wife to become part of this lifestyle and maybe attend events with him. Maybe he also travels a lot and stays away from home many times. Yet perhaps the woman values her privacy greatly and would not like to be subjected to fame. And perhaps she wouldn’t want her husband to be far away from her most of the time. A marriage between the two could lead to problems if boundaries are not set from the very beginning and strategies are not kept on how to balance their life.

Think of a very educated woman who has built her career throughout her adult years. Then a man marries her then asks her to stay at home and refuses for her to do any sort of work. Some women are actually okay with being housewives and dedicating their lives to nurturing their homes and children but some are not. As controversial as this topic gets, the bottom line is this: If what a woman is doing with her life is not appealing to you, kindly find someone else who will be what you need. You need a housewife? Find a woman who is ready to be one. You want a career woman who is empowered financially? Find one who is already that or is willing to take up a career. Don’t wait until after marriage to force anyone to live a life they didn’t sign up for.

Interests and Hobbies: When it comes to interests and hobbies, it is often better when potential spouses have similar interests and hobbies. These will give them an opportunity to bond further and get to spend their free time together. For example, individuals who both read could discuss their favourite books and give each other suggestions. Individuals who both love fitness could go for walks together or do fitness programs together. For individuals who both enjoy travelling, they can save money and time to travel together. For individuals who love nature, they could start their own small garden at their home or something like that. No two people will ever be 100% similar but having some similarities in interests can be advantageous in a marriage.

Education: If a woman who loves to seek knowledge is married to a man who dropped out of school because of a lack of interest in studies, then some problems might arise in their marriage. For example, the man might not see the need for his wife to keep studying and spending money on different courses. He might consider this a waste of time and money and might lead to constant complaints and fights on the same issue.

As such, it is advisable that individuals marry those who are almost similar in their education levels. The shaykh gave an example of a woman who had two degrees from Harvard University and was married to a young pious man who had only studied the deen and was an imam but he had no secular education at all. The shaykh explained that he knew both individuals and they were both pious and of very good character. Yet their marriage faced many challenges because each one of them had a very different way of looking at matters. This in no way means that one of them is better than the other. They both were good people, they just weren’t compatible.

Again, there are many couples who have healthy, loving relationships while having very different personalities, interests and even education levels. This should not discourage you to consider someone. Just be aware of those differences beforehand, think carefully about whether that works for you or not and how you can each healthily cope and adjust to your differences.

Please also note that having similar lifestyles, interests and personalities does not mean there will be no challenges at all. Even siblings born under the same roof and with the same parents have different ways of doing things. So what about someone from a different family, background and sometimes even different culture? As such, do know that there will still be adjustments and compromises to be made throughout the marriage.

*

Sources:

‘Fiqh of Love’ Course from Al Maghrib Institute.

Islamqa.com

*

Stay tuned for part 3 as we delve deeper into other considerations for marriage. Thank you for reading, and please subscribe below! 🙂

by
Keep Reading
Deen (Religion)

CHOOSING THEE ONE (PART 1)

By

“A man asked a shaykh what advice can you give me on how to do tarbiyah on my son. The shaykh asked him, how old is your son and he replied, he is only two months old. The shaykh replied, ‘You are late, you have already missed the train. The best time to seek advice on tarbiyah of your child is when you were ready to choose a spouse because true tarbiyah starts by choosing a righteous spouse for your children.”

(Quoted from Ibn Qayyim’s book by Ahlul-Athar twitter page)

I recently started doing a marriage course at Al-Maghrib institute called ‘Fiqh of Love’, one of the most eye-opening and thought-provoking courses I have ever come across. If it was possible, I’d advise every single Muslim to take the course because it not only covers in-depth Islamic aspects and rulings on marriage but psychological ones as well. I just HAVE TO share some very important tips shared, especially on how to choose a spouse.

*Please note some of the views that will be shared are my own.*

So let’s start from the beginning:

LOVE

First of all, remove it from your mind that love is everything you need to sustain a marriage. That is an unrealistic view that’s very commonly romanticized in our society. Love is important yes, it nurtures a marriage yes, it brings out the most beautiful aspects of marriage yes…but is it the only thing you need to take with you into marriage? Absolutely not!

It is natural for people to feel some attraction, chemistry or connection towards another, and that is counted as the initial stage of love. Now during this phase, a lot of happy chemicals take over our bodies and bring out the excitement in us. And as these hormones continue existing in us, most often than not, people tend to become blinded by the other person’s character traits and behaviour.

According to sciencedaily.com, in an article named ‘What falling in love does to your heart and brain’ the writer states:

“MRI scans indicate that love lights up the pleasure center of the brain. When we fall in love, blood flow increases in this area, which is the same part of the brain implicated in obsessive-compulsive behaviors.

“Love lowers serotonin levels, which is common in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders,” said Mary Lynn, DO, co-director of the Loyola Sexual Wellness Clinic and assistant professor, Department of Obstetrics & Gynecology, SSOM. “This may explain why we concentrate on little other than our partner during the early stages of a relationship.”

Doctors caution that these physical responses to love may work to our disadvantage.

“The phrase ‘love is blind’ is a valid notion because we tend to idealize our partner and see only things that we want to see in the early stages of the relationship,” Dr. Mumby said. “Outsiders may have a much more objective and rational perspective on the partnership than the two people involved do.”

You will sometimes find people who were once very deeply in love eventually end up in resentment over the same traits that initially attracted them to each other. For example, a woman could admire how charismatic, charming and outgoing a man is and choose to marry him for such traits. However, once the happy hormones have subsided, the lady starts getting irritated and feeling insecure when she realizes that the man is not just charming to her alone. She’d probably become overly jealous when she sees him interact with other people and how much attention he gets. And maybe the man doesn’t really have strict boundaries with others and this might agitate the lady. Mind you, these were the same traits she adored in him at the start, she knew how much attention he was getting but because she didn’t actually evaluate whether that personality will work with her overly jealous one, it brings out resentment in her.

Please note that I am not in any way saying that a charming individual is the wrong choice of spouse lol, nor am I saying it is okay to be overly jealous or violate boundaries…but rather, from the beginning, let not love blind you from critically thinking about your choices. You have to be self-aware about your own strengths, weaknesses, what exactly you need in a partner and be practical in how you make those choices.

There is this one very deep and profound quote by a poet called Taylor (from Unicorn Empire on Tumblr: https://bit.ly/3CQucqX) that moves me every.single.time!

“A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life.

Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.”

In a follow-up post after the above trended on Tumblr, Taylor said:

“After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally, we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with. The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, I have never looked at relationships in the same way again. I understood why arranged marriages worked. I discovered the difference between feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

To conclude her post she added: ‘I no longer fear the day someone who I swore was the universe can no longer see stars in my eyes, as long as they still chose to look for them until they find them again.”

I think it is noteworthy to mention, Islam doesn’t reject the concept of love. It is natural and happens without our permission. Yet, what we choose to do with that love/attraction is considered our choice and responsibility. Religion gives us guidelines and limits to observe when it comes to our emotions because many times it can lead one to lose the akhera or both the akhera and dunya (May Allah protect and guide us).

There is so much wisdom in why our religion discourages emotional attachment before marriage. It is not to make us miss out on something we consider beautiful, but rather, to protect our souls from a considerable amount of pain and heartbreak that can be avoided.

Imam Ahmad said: “Don’t expose yourself to what you cannot handle.” Sometimes we think we’re smarter than everyone else and can handle whatever happens. But the reality is, we’re human beings and we all are weak to some extent. When Allah asked us to lower our gaze and protect our private parts, it was because HE KNOWS that that can be the greatest source of pain and despair for humankind.

Going back to the initial point on how love can blind us from being practical and realistic, the shaykh mentioned during the course, an incident that happened between a Muslim lady coming from a very rich background and a Muslim man who was struggling to make ends meet. The two fell in love and the man approached the girl’s family to propose to her. The family were against the marriage because they felt that the man wouldn’t be able to give their daughter the same kind of lifestyle and comfort she had at her father’s home. Mind you, this girl came from a wealthy family such that they had two house helps, and one of them was dedicated to serving the lady alone.

Despite the family’s objection, the girl insisted that she wanted the same man to be her husband. She said she doesn’t mind if he is poor. She is ready to eat plain bread and water. She is ready to make all sacrifices for him. The two eventually got married. After a while, the lady approaches the shaykh crying; she is pregnant and still loves her husband, but she cannot take it anymore. She is really frustrated because she is not used to doing any house chores and it is a big struggle for her. The husband on the other side is frustrated because she can’t seem to get it right and keeps comparing his wife to his mother’s abilities.

Now, we’re not saying that two people coming from different lifestyles and financial stability (or the lack thereof) can’t lead to a healthy marriage BUT it takes more than love to handle such issues. With love, people tend to think ‘we can overcome ANYTHING’. Yet for that to actually happen, more traits and actions are needed like open communication, compromise, patience, support, mercy, compassion, and kindness. If the couple had taken the time to communicate about the impending challenges before the marriage (or at least early on in the marriage) and come up with strategies and plans on how they’d cope, then maybe things would have turned out differently.

This doesn’t mean there is no hope for the couple to fix their marriage, but it always better to be proactive and prepared in such scenarios.

All we’re saying is, don’t make love your main or only criterion in choosing a spouse. Instead:

1. Work on being the right spouse: This means you actively strive for personal growth and development. Understand yourself; your needs, your strengths, your weaknesses, your preferences, your goals and what you want in life.

Questions to ask oneself include:

Am I ready for marriage? REALLY being ready for the life after marriage, not just the fun wedding part.

What are my likes and dislikes?

What are my positive and negative traits? (Be honest and realistic)

What are my weaknesses and how can I work on them?

How can I become a better human being?

What are my preferences?

How would I like my future spouse to be?

Knowing your triggers: What situations or kinds of people bring out strong (mostly negative emotions) in you? What makes you angry? What kind of person you cannot stand at all? What kind of behaviours puts you off or frustrate or irritate you?

If you already have an interest towards a person, and you’re working on being the right spouse, ask yourself: What will I contribute to this relationship? What will I be serving? Am I giving as much as I am receiving? (Those already married can reflect on these questions too).

Most importantly, have the intention of becoming the best version of yourself. Each one of us has baggage to work on, so none of us can say we have achieved the ultimate growth. We’re continuously exposed to different kinds of trauma and difficult situations that we need to learn and grow from. There is no end to the process. According to your intention, Allah will help and assist you.

2. Connect with Allah: Seek knowledge. Strive for closeness with Allah. Work on doing better and more in your ibadah. Know which ibadah uplifts you the most and use that to nurture yourself. For example, for some people, reading Qur’an brings them the most peace. For others it is praying tahajjud. For others it is charity etc. Once you identify what works best for you, use that as a tool to keep you grounded and at peace. When uplifted, you will definitely interact better with your spouse and those around you.

Allah Subhanahu Wataala says: “And be not like those who forgot Allah and He made them forget themselves.” When we’re distant from Allah, we’re distant from a crucial part of ourselves. How can we forget ourselves then expect to find a good match?

When you’re connected to Allah, you’ll choose someone connected too.

Moreover, make dua often for yourself, your future spouse and your offspring. Even if you haven’t found a person yet, pray for your future spouse; their well-being, their religiosity, their peace of mind, their growth, and their rizq. Ask Allah for what you’d love to see in them; whether character traits, personality type, piety level and even physical traits. Ask Allah to enable both of you to be wonderful spouses to each other and wonderful parents thereafter. Ask Allah for good offspring thereafter who’ll be obedient, pious, intelligent etc…whatever you want, ask Allah without limiting yourself.

3. Search for the right spouse: Find someone who will bring you closer to Allah. Someone who can be a good parent. Someone who is compatible with you. Someone who will support and help you along the way. And someone who will bring out the best in you.

Ask yourself: What exactly do I want in a spouse? Ideally, you could have a list of what your spouse MUST have, Negotiable things you want and Non-negotiables.

For example, a man says, my wife MUST observe the proper hijab, she preferably should have a university degree but if she just has a college diploma that works for me (negotiable), and she mustn’t be working in a field that requires night shifts (non-negotiable). Please note that this differs from person to person and it is okay for whichever preferences one has.

Another example, a woman says: My husband MUST have a halal income, he preferably should be a hafidh but if he isn’t, then he should at least be able to read the Qur’an fluently (negotiable), and he mustn’t have any kind of addiction (non-negotiable).

Alternatively, you could put your expectations into categories; Most important, least important and Able to compromise. The important thing is to identify these things beforehand. By the way, these lists aren’t limited to qualities and traits only. They also include physical features as well.

One interesting tip that shaykh Waleed Basyouni shared about what to do when considering a person is; look at whether the person meets the qualities you need, then have deen the last and final quality to check off. For example, a lady says I want a man who is ambitious, religious, financially stable and tall. If the man she is considering has all the above (or some, according to what is negotiable to her) then finally she considers his religiosity. Is he pious? If yes, she goes ahead. If not, she cancels the deal. This makes the process easier because sometimes you can get someone who is religious but doesn’t have the other qualities that are also important to you. So you keep deen as the final consideration to tick off for it is the most important one; the deal maker or the deal breaker.

In conclusion to this first part, do know that it is okay to fall in love but take your brain with you. Don’t get overly attached to anyone. Maintain your boundaries and protect your chastity.

Love is not always enough to sustain a marriage (or any kind of relationship).

It is also important for individuals to know the difference between love, obsession, infatuation, lust and sympathy/pity. Each individual should be able to identify and NAME which emotions they are experiencing. It gives one clarity on how to deal with those emotions once identified.

That’ll be the end of part one. Some of the points above will be talked about further in the follow-up articles of this series. Kindly subscribe below to receive the latest articles in your email box 🙂

by
Keep Reading
Mental Health

POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH AND SPIRITUALITY

By

Mental health is described by WHO (2001) as: “… a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.”

In Islam however, there is another addition to the definition. Positive mental health is also related to spirituality, piety and submission to the Almighty.

Allah (S.W.) clearly states in the Qur’an, in Surat Taha, verse 124:

“And whoever turns away from My remembrance-indeed, he will have a depressed (i.e. difficult) life, and We will gather (raise) him on the day of Resurrection blind.”

Thus, when we look into positive mental health, we’d say the first indicator of it is by looking at one’s relationship with God. Do you believe? Do you pray? Do you obey? Allah (S.W) promised to test us with different kinds of worldly tragedies, and within these difficult times, many people give up on God and on life and some entirely become atheists. They forget that life is but a test. So long as a human being keeps reminding themselves that the dunya is but a test and stick to the way of Islam, then Allah (S.W) will definitely grant them ease and strength to keep believing.

Utz (2011) states about the tranquil soul in her book ‘Psychology from an Islamic perspective’ and I quote:

“As sincere faith becomes strong in a person’s heart, the proclivity to evil within the soul becomes weak. The soul becomes completely dominated by inclinations towards piety and righteousness. It loves and desires goodness and detests evil deeds, so it rarely (if ever) responds to or complies with the urges to commit evil deeds. This is the level of the tranquil soul.

(To the righteous it will be said: “O reassured soul, return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing to Him. And enter among My righteous servants. And enter My paradise.”)

Goodness dominates, so the soul feels a sense of tranquillity and peace. These souls are obedient to Allah subhanahu wataala and pleased with what He has decreed, relying upon Him alone in all matters. Through this strong connection with the Creator, they calm their desires and passions, and they require little effort to repel evil inclinations. These individuals are in essence fulfilling the purpose of their creation, which is the worship and obedience of Allah. This is a level that is possible to achieve in this life, and it provides the believers with a taste of the joys awaiting them in the hereafter.”

This leads us into another indicator of positive mental health i.e. Acceptance of Allah’s Decree and relying upon Allah alone. One thus knows without a doubt that everything in life has been destined and as much as they can make choices in life, they don’t have total control over what happens. One does their best and prays for the best, believing that Allah (S.W.) will never forsake them. With such mentality, one isn’t unnecessarily overwhelmed, anxious and worried about the future nor are they stuck on the past that is already gone. This reflected in a hadith by Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said:

“One day, I was riding behind the Prophet (ﷺ) when he said, “O boy! I will instruct you in some matters. Be watchful of Allah (Commandments of Allah), He will preserve you. Safeguard His Rights, He will be ever with you. If you beg, beg of Him Alone; and if you need assistance, supplicate to Allah Alone for help. And remember that if all the people gather to benefit you, they will not be able to benefit you except that which Allah had foreordained (for you); and if all of them gather to do harm to you, they will not be able to afflict you with anything other than that which Allah had pre-destined against you. The pens had been lifted and the ink had dried up”. [At- Tirmidhi].

In another hadith, the prophet peace be upon him said, “Amazing is the affair of the believer. This is because there is good for him in every matter and this is not the case with anyone other than the believer. When he is in a state of happiness, he is thankful to Allah, and within that is good for him, and if he is harmed, then he keeps to being patient and thus there is good for him in that.”

This in turn, also makes one resilient such that, whenever a tragedy befalls them, they don’t allow the situation to break them. They adjust to whatever changes that come by and soldier on.

The prophet (p.b.u.h) as our guide, he led us to the path of purification of the soul, self-control and balance. And when one inclines to this path, they feel no distress within themselves. Good mental state can be achieved by avoiding negative attributes like anger, greed, envy and so on.

This means that a person with positive mental health is known to have good virtues such as kindness, forgiveness, compassion and humility which in fact improve one’s quality of life. The prophet (p.b.u.h) said for example that whoever is deprived of kindness then they have been deprived all that is good. And truly, when we think of it, what is the world without kindness?

Gratitude is another important virtue and an indicator as well. When one is thankful, they tend to be more optimistic and more positive towards life, others and even themselves. Studies prove that expressing gratitude improves ones sense of wellbeing and that it makes people be more open, less neurotic and more agreeable. (McCullough et al., 2002)

Apart from that, more positive outcomes have been identified in practicing gratitude as per psychology research. One of the benefits of gratitude is that it can reduce levels of stress. (Krause, 2006) and that it can also decrease the levels of depression and anxiety. (Kashdan & Breen, 2007)

In a study done by Seligman, Steen and Peterson (2005), the participants were given one week to write and deliver in person, a letter of gratitude to someone who had shown special kindness to them that they hadn’t thanked properly. The results showed that participants who took part in the letter-writing reported more happiness for one month after the exercise compared to a control group.

Algoe et al. (2010) asked sixty-seven couples to keep a diary for two weeks and record their own and their partner’s thoughtful actions, the relationship well-being and their emotions. By connecting the data of the couple, they were able to see whether a thoughtful action of the participant was recognized by the partner and whether they acknowledged the action accordingly. They found that a partner’s thoughtful action predicted an increase in feelings of gratitude and indebtedness.

When we thank Allah and others for the good in our life, we avoid focusing on the bad things that happened to us, and thus have a more positive outlook and mental being. Allah (S.W.) says in Surat Ibrahim, verse 7: “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you in favour.”

We can deny it all we want but many research has proved that our spirituality does have an impact on mental health. And more than that, Allah (S.W.) already informed us of that, centuries ago. For us to acquire the peaceful life we desire, we need to embrace the good virtues and follow the prophet (p.b.u.h) for he is the best example and role model.

REFERENCES
1. Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L. & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships.
2. Kashdan, T.B., Breen, W.L. (2007). Materialism and diminished well-being: Experiential avoidance as a mediating mechanism. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.
3. Krause, N. (2006). Gratitude toward god, stress, and health in late life. Research on Aging.
4. McCullough, M. E., Tsang, J. -A., & Emmons, R. A. (2004). Gratitude in intermediate affective terrain: Links of grateful moods to individual differences and daily emotional experience. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
5. Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. T., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist.
6. Utz, A. (2011). Psychology from the Islamic Perspective. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. International Islamic Publishing House.
7. WHO. (2001). The world health report 2001. Mental health: New understanding. New hope. Geneva, World Health Organization.
8. Qur’an. Retrieved from https://quran.com

by
Keep Reading
Deen (Religion)

THE GREATNESS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD (P.B.U.H) [PT. 3]

By

To read the second part of this series, please click here: https://lubnah.me.ke/the-greatness-of-prophet-muhammad-p-b-u-h-pt-2/

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE PROPHET (P.B.U.H)

The characteristics our prophet had should be a guide for all those taking up the da’awah path which is tough and filled with challenges.

1. He had good behaviour:
As stated earlier from the many examples of the prophet’s good behaviour, we get to see how he was able to affect and draw people into Islam.
Allah (S.W) states in surat Imran verse 159:
“So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah . Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].”
A very good example of his exemplary manners was that there was an old woman who would always throw trash in the way of the prophet peace be upon him just to irritate him. The old woman would do that every day. Then came a day where the prophet didn’t find any trash on his way. He decided to inquire about the old woman and he was told that she was sick. The prophet went to visit her and offer any assistance needed. The old woman was very ashamed and humbled at the same time by the actions of the prophet and his genuine concern. Seeing his compassion, the old woman became convinced that Islam is the true religion and that Muhammad, aleyhi ssalam, is indeed a prophet.

2. He was honest and truthful always:
Abu Dharr reported: I said, “O Messenger of Allah, will you not appoint me as a leader?” The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, struck my chest with his hand and he said, “O Abu Dharr, you are weak and it is certainly a position of public trust. Verily, on the Day of Resurrection it will only result in regret except for one who fulfills its rights and discharges its duties.”
In another narration, the Prophet said, “O Abu Dharr, I see you are weak and I love for you what I love for myself. Do not command even two people and do not manage the property of an orphan.” [Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1825]

3. He had patience and forbearance through the worst phases:
‘In the tenth year of prophethood (just after the death of his uncle Abu Talib and his wife Khadijah), the prophet peace be upon him set out on foot towards Taif, about 60 kilometres from Makkah, in the company of his freed slave Zaid ibn Harithah inviting people to Islam. Contrary to his expectations, the general atmosphere was terribly hostile. For ten days he stayed there delivering his message to all of the noble people, one after another, but all to no avail. Stirred up to hasten the departure of the unwelcome visitor, the foolish and their servants hooted him through narrow lanes, pelted him with stones and obliged him to flee from the city pursued by a merciless crowd. Blood flowed down both his legs and Zaid, trying to shield him was wounded in the head. The crowd did not cease until they had chased him two or three miles across the sandy plains to the foot of the surrounding hills. There, tired and exhausted, he took refuge in one of the numerous fruit farms and rested against the wall of a vineyard. He was tired and wounded but confident of the help of his Lord and said this dua:

“Oh Allah! To You alone I complain of my weakness, my insufficient ability and my insignificance before the people. You are the most Merciful of the Mercifuls. You are the Lord of the helpless and the weak. O Lord of mine! Into whose hands would you abandon me: into the hands of an unsympathetic distant relative who would angrily frown at me, or to the enemy who has been given control over my affairs? But if Your Wrath does not fall on me, there is nothing for me to worry about. Your pardon is ample enough for me. I seek protection in the light of Your face, which illuminates the darkness, fixing the affairs in this world as well as in the hereafter. May it never be that I should incur Your wrath, or that You should be wrathful to me. And there is no power nor resource, but Yours alone.” [The Sealed Nectar, page 162-163]

Urwah bin Az’zubair that Aishah narrated to him that she asked the prophet: ‘Have you experienced a worse day than Uhud?’ He answered: ‘Your tribes have troubled me a lot and the worst trouble was the trouble on the day of ‘Aqabah when I presented myself to Ibn ‘Abd Yalil bin ‘Abd Kulal and he did not respond to my demand. So I departed, overwhelmed with excessive sorrow and proceeded on and could not relax till I found myself at Qarn Ath-Tha’alib, where I lifted my head toward the sky to see a cloud shading me unexpectedly. I looked up and saw Gabriel in it. He called me saying, ‘Allah has heard what your people said to you, and their reply to you. Allah has sent the angel of the mountains to you so that you may order him to do whatever you wish to these people.’ The angel of the mountains called upon me and greeted me, and then said, ‘O Muhammad! Order what you wish, if you like, I will let Al-Akhshabain fall on them.’
The prophet (S.A.W) said, ‘No, I hope that Allah will let them beget children who will worship Allah alone and will worship none besides Him.’ [Sahih Bukhari 1/458, sahih Muslim 2/109]

The Prophet decided to spend a few days in Nakhlah (a place situated between Makkah and Ta’if). His idea was to send someone from there to one of the chiefs of Quraysh so that he might procure ‘security’ for him and then he might enter his birth-place under the protection of some such person.

However, he could not find at Nakhlah anyone who might go to Makkah on his behalf. Later he left Nakhlah for Mount Hira. There he met a Khaza’i Arab and asked him to go to Makkah and speak to Mut’am bin Adi, who was one of the towering personalities of Makkah, for his (i.e. the Prophet’s) ‘security’.
The man went to Makkah and conveyed the message of the Prophet to Mut’am. Although Mut’am was an idol-worshipper he accepted the request of the Prophet and said: “Muhammad should come straight to my house. My sons and I shall protect his life”.

The Prophet entered Makkah at night and went direct to the house of Mut’am and spent the night there. Soon afterwards the Prophet left Makkah for Madina and the beginning of the year of ‘migration’ Mut’am passed away in Makkah. The news of his death reached Madina and the Prophet remembered him for his goodness. After the Battle of Badr, Quraysh were returning to Makkah after having sustained great loss and leaving behind a number of persons, who were captured by the Muslims, the Prophet remembered Mut’am and said: “If Mut’am had been alive and had asked me to release all the captives or to gift them to him, I would not have rejected his request”. [www.al-islam.org, Chapter 23: Journey to Ta`if]

Muhammad, aleyhi ssalam was not only patient but also encouraged and insisted for his companions to do the same.
“Khabbab bin Al-Aratt reported: We complained to the Messenger of Allah regarding the persecution inflicted upon us by the disbelievers while he was lying in the shade of the Ka’bah, having made a pillow of his cloak. We submitted: “Why do you not supplicate for our prevalence (over the opponents)?”. He replied, “Among those people before you, a man would be seized and held in a pit dug for him in the ground and he would be sawed into two halves from his head, and his flesh torn away from his bones with an iron comb; but, in spite of this, he would not wean away from his Faith. By Allah, Allah will bring this matter to its consummation until a rider will travel from San’a’ to Hadramout fearing none except Allah, and except the wolf for his sheep, but you are in too much of a hurry”. [Al-Bukhari].

The Prophet made Duas (supplications) for his people on a regular basis: “O God! Guide my people, for they know not,” he would pray, as he and his followers were tortured, humiliated, scorned and mocked.

4. He was forgiving:
As from the narration in the previous point about his trip to Taif, the prophet had an opportunity to let the people there to perish yet what he did is pray that their children are guided into Islam. This was despite the very bad treatment they gave him and how they injured both him and zaid ibn Harith.
Another instance where he showed his forgiving nature is during the conquest of Makkah where the Muslims were victorious in gaining control of the holy land. The prophet peace be upon him addressed the quraish and said,
‘O you people of Quraish! What do you think of the treatment that I am about to accord to you?’
They replied: ‘O noble brother and son of noble brother! We expect nothing but goodness from you.’
Upon this he said: ‘I speak to you in the same words as Yusuf (the prophet Joseph) spoke unto his brothers. He said: ‘No reproach on you this day,’ [12:92] go your way, for you are freed ones.’ [The Sealed Nectar, page 466-467]

 Qa’b bin Zuhair bin Abi Sulma was a famous poet in Central Arabia during the early years of prophethood. When the prophet peace be upon him conquered Makkah, his brother Bujair reverted to Islam and stayed with the prophet in Madina. Qa’b was disturbed by the news of his brother’s conversion and started composing satirical poems about his brother being a Muslim, insulting the prophet and Islam in general. For this reason, it was ordered that he should be killed wherever and whenever he was found. It should be noted that during that period, poetry was used as a propaganda tool and several poets were slain for insulting the prophet and Islam.
Bujair thereafter wrote a letter to his brother informing him about his impending death if he did not seek peace from the prophet peace be upon him who would never reject anyone’s forgiveness or flee right away.

Terrified by his brother’s letter and with his own tribe members repeating that he will be killed, Qa’b decided it was best to seek peace and protection from the prophet aleyhi ssalam. He therefore went to Madina and found the prophet. He sat face to face with the Prophet, put his hand on top of the Prophet’s hand. The Prophet nor the companions, did not know him in person.

“O Allah’s Apostle, Q’ab bin Zuhair will repent, become a Muslim and he will come to you to ask for your forgiveness and protection. Would you accept to see him, if I bring him to you?”’ The Prophet said, ‘Yes’ then Q’ab added: ‘O Allah’s Apostle, I am Q’ab bin Zuhair.’

A companion of the Prophet from among Ansar (Helpers) grabbed Q’ab and said ‘Allow me, O Allah’s Apostle, allow me and I will severe the head of this enemy of Allah from his body.’ Allah’s Apostle told him: ‘Let him go. For he has come here with repentance and he has rid himself of denial.’

Q’ab, who was rejoiced at being granted the forgiveness of Allah’s Apostle, began to recite his qasidah by the name of Banat Suad (Suad went away, Suad is gone). The poem is one of the most famous poems in Islamic history. The poem itself started with a description of a woman, Suad who had left, a love story as any classic Arabic poem. It is during the quarter last bit of the poem is when Qa’b describes the prophet so magnificently. When he finished his recitation of the qasidah with excitement and a shaky voice, the Prophet stood up with a pleased face and he placed his cloak (burda) on Qa’b back to show appreciation. The poem was thus nicknamed ‘the burda’

(You can find Qa’ab’s full conversion story at ‘newmuslimtube.com’: Seerah of Prophet Muhammad 84 – Conversion of Ka’b ibn Zuhayr ~ Dr. Yasir Qadhi)

Here is part of the poem talking about the prophet aleyhi ssalam:
They say God’s messenger threatens me.
Before the messenger of God
one hopes for pardon.
Go easy,
guided by the one
who gave you the Qur’an
and spelled out its warnings.
Don’t take me at the word
of the lie-smiths.
Though talk of me spreads,
I did no wrong.
If an elephant
stood in my place
and heard
what I hear
It would shake in terror
and stay shaking
until it received the messenger’s grace,
God willing.
{I cut through the empty regions,
my armor the darkness
when the cloak of night
had fallen,}
To put my hand,
not to withdraw it,
in the hand of the vengeful,
whose word is law.
That one was more terrible
when I addressed him
and was questioned
and my lineage examined,
Than a prey-snatcher,
mawler of the lion’s lair,
his den in the belly of cAtham,
ringed with thickets,
That sets out at dawn
to feed twin cubs
with human flesh thrown in the dust,
dismembered.
When he confronts his equal,
he cannot,
by sacred law,
leave him unbroken.
In fear of him the wild ass
starves to the bone,
shunning forage.
Men do not cross his wadi,
Except for the brave and bold one there,
the shreds of his garments
and his weapons about him,
carrion for beasts of prey.
The messenger is a sword
lighting the way,
forged in India,
a sword of God, unsheathed. (The most famous line of the poem)
Among a band of Quraysh
someone spoke,
in the belly of Mecca
when they gave themselves-away!
They left, and left behind
arrows with broken heads,
the weak in battle,
the leaners, the unarmed.
Eagle-nosed vanquishers
clothed in Davidian weave,
through the dust of war
their chain-mail
Brilliant, streaming
in double arrays of coils
like the branches of the shrivel-vetch,
coil on doubled, twisted coil.
They side like white camels
protected by a hard blow
when the enemy, stunted, dark-faced,
run away.
They don’t parade their satisfaction
when their spears strike home,
nor do they cut and run
when they take the blow.
Spear thrusts land
at their throats.
At the pool of death
they have no plans to flee.

[Source: Banat Su ‘ ad: Translation and Interpretive Introduction. Michael Anthony Sells. Haverford College. 1990]

5. He was wise, mindful and compassionate:
Abu Umamah reported: A young man came to the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and he said, “O Messenger of Allah, give me permission to commit adultery.” The people turned to rebuke him, saying, “Quiet! Quiet!” The Prophet said, “Come here.” The young man came close and he told him to sit down. The Prophet said, “Would you like that for your mother?” The man said, “No, by Allah, may I be sacrificed for you. People would not like it for their mothers.” The Prophet said, “Would you like that for your daughter?” The man said, “No, by Allah, may I be sacrificed for you. People would not like it for their daughters.” The Prophet said, “Would you like that for your sister?” The man said, “No, by Allah, may I be sacrificed for you. People would not like it for their sisters.” The Prophet said, “Would you like that for your aunts?” The man said, “No, by Allah, may I be sacrificed for you. People would not like it for their aunts.” The Prophet placed his hand on him and he said, “O Allah, forgive his sins, purify his heart, and guard his chastity.” After that, the young man never again turned to anything sinful.
In another narration, the Prophet said to him, “Then hate what Allah has hated, and love for your brother what you love for yourself.” [Musnad Aḥmad 21708]

6. He was very humble
The prophet peace be upon him was so humble such that when any visitor would come upon him and the sahaba, they wouldn’t know who is the prophet until they ask, ‘Who amongst you is Muhammad?’ This is because lived a very simple life and mingled and ate with all his companions without regarding himself better or of a higher status than them.
During the building of the prophetic mosque in Madina, the prophet peace be upon him, contributed to building the mosque by carrying adobe bricks and stones together with the Muhajirun and Ansar. Through his actions that day, he taught his people enduring lessons on equality, companionship, and respect.

In another narration, the prophet peace be upon him said, “I eat as a slave eats, and I sit as a slave sits. Since indeed I am a slave. [Sahih: Related by Ibn Sa’ad in At-Tabaqat (1/371) and Shaykh Al-Albani authenticated it in Sahih al-Jami’ (no. 8).]

Again, he said, “Do not over praise me as the Christians over-praised ‘Isa son of Maryam. Indeed, I am only a slave. So call me the Slave of Allah and His Messenger. [Related by Al-Bukhari (6/345]

7. He was informed
The prophet peace be upon him, despite his inability to read and write and with even less experience of traveling around the world, he was informed and knew what was happening around him. It is for this that during the fifth year of prophethood and after a lot of suffering and torture, the prophet advised the sahabas to migrate to Abyssinia (Ethiopia).

‘The prophet peace be upon him knew that Ashamah, who held the title of Negus, king of Abyssinia was a fair ruler who would not wrong any of his subordinates. So he permitted some of his followers to seek asylum there in Abyssinia. In Rajab of the fifth year of prophethood, a group of twelve men and four women left for Abyssinia. Among the emigrants were ‘uthman bin Affan and his wife Ruqayya bint Rasulillah (peace be upon them)

To be continued…

P.S I am not a scholar and this is my little effort in spreading the knowledge therefore in case of any mistake/correction/addition needed in this article about the prophet (p.b.u.h) and his life, kindly email me at: info@lubnah.me.ke.

***

Assalam aleykum everyone,

We are currently at 40,393/= with the fundraising for Nuru Salim who is suffering from endometriosis. She urgently needs an operation to relieve the pain she is in. Please let’s all join hands and assist her with whatever small we can afford. 

To contribute Mpesa: 0700892829 (Said Salim)

Kindly do share this message and remember her in your duas.

May Allah bless you all and easen all your battles. Ameen.

 

by
Keep Reading
Deen (Religion)

THE GREATNESS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD (P.B.U.H) [PT. 2]

By

You may read the first part here:  https://lubnah.me.ke/the-greatness-of-prophet-muhammad-p-b-u-h-pt-1/

In our current times, once someone acquires high status and recognition within their respective communities, most people become rigid and serious with no time to have fun and enjoy with their wives or children. But it is well known that the prophet peace be upon him was very romantic and always made the time to entertain, relax and enjoy with his wives.

 Once the Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) was sitting in a room with Aisha (May Allah be pleased with her) and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight and was staring at him long enough for him to notice.
He said, “What’s the matter?” She replied, “If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he would know that his poem was written for you.” The Prophet, peace be upon him, asked, “What did he say?” She replied, “Abu Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everyone to see.” So the Prophet, peace be upon him, got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, “By God, O Aisha, you are like that to me and more.”

 Aisha (May Allah be pleased with her) relates the following about her husband, the Prophet (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him Upon):
I swear by Allah that I saw Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) standing at the door of my room while the Abyssinians were engaged in spear play in the mosque of Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him). He screened me with his cloak so I could watch them perform. He stood there for my sake until I decided that I had had enough. Now just imagine how much time a young girl eager for entertainment would stand there watching. [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

 ‘A’ishah radiallahu ‘anha said: That she accompanied the Prophet on a certain journey. At that time she was a mere girl and was neither fat nor bulky. The Prophet asked the people to move on, and they marched ahead. Then the Prophet said to me, “Come on, let us have a race.” ‘A’ishah says that she ran and remained much ahead of him. The Prophet kept quiet for some time. Later on when ‘A’ishah grew fat and loose bodied, and she forgot the previous incident. Again she accompanied the Prophet on some journey. The Prophet again asked the people to march ahead, and they moved ahead. Then the Prophet again asked her to have a race with him. This time the prophet defeated her and she lagged behind. Now the Prophet laughed and said, “This is in reply to our previous defeat.” [Ahmad, Safwat as-Safwah, vol. I, p. 68]

 Aisha (May Allah Be Pleased With Her) would often seek reassurance from The Prophet (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) that he loved her.
“How is your love for me?” she once asked.
“Like the rope’s knot,” he replied, meaning that it was strong and secure.
Many times after that she would ask, “How is the knot?” and he would reply: “Ala haaliha” meaning “The same as ever!” [Hilya al Awliya]

MUHAMMAD (S.A.W) AS A ROLE MODEL

Muhammad (S.A.W) was known for his compassion, kindness and love for children. He would play around with them and teach them in the most wise and beautiful ways. We get to learn from the best of mankind how to treat and nurture children without aggressiveness or anger, how to influence positive behaviour on them, how to grant them higher self-esteem and make them better and eager learners and Muslims.

 Anas said: The Apostle of Allah was one of the best men in character. One day he sent me to do something, and I said: I swear by Allah that I will not go. But in my heart I felt that I should go to do what the the Messenger of Allah had commanded me; so I went out and came upon boys who were playing in the street. All of a sudden the Messenger of Allah, who had come from behind, caught me by the back of the neck, and when I looked at him he was laughing. He said: Go where I ordered you, little Anas. I replied: Yes, I am going, the Messenger of Allah! Anas said: I swear by Allah, I served him for seven or nine years, and he never said to me about a thing which I had done: why did you do such and such? nor about a thing which I left: why did you not do such and such? [Sunan Abu Dawood, Vol. 3, #4755]

 Narrated by Umar ibn Abi Salma (May Allah be please with him): I was a boy under the care of Allah’s Messenger and my hand use to go around the dish (as I was eating) so Allah’s Messenger said to me, ‘Oh boy, Mention the Name of Allah and eat with your right hand, and eat of the dish what is nearer to you.’

 Ibn Abbas reported: I was riding behind the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, when he said to me, “Young man, I will teach you some words. Be mindful of Allah and he will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find him before you. If you ask, ask from Allah. If you seek help, seek help from Allah. Know that if the nations gathered together to benefit you, they will not benefit you unless Allah has decreed it for you. And if the nations gathered together to harm you, they will not harm you unless Allah has decreed it for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” [Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2516]

 Narrated by Anas: The Prophet (S.A.W) was the best of people in character. I had a brother whose name was Abu ‘Umayr. He said, I think he was weaned, and when he (the Prophet (S.A.W) came he would say, “O Abu Umayr, what happened to the nughayr (a small bird that he kept as a pet)?” [Narrated by Bukhari, 5850; Muslim, 2150.]
Abu ‘Umayr was Anas’s younger brother and Nughayr was his pet that he loved dearly. Unfortunately, Nughayr died and Abu Umayr was really saddened by the event. When the prophet peace be upon him came to visit them, he tried to lift his spirits up by joking with him about his little bird.

 It was narrated that Aisha, said: “Some Bedouin people came to the Prophet(ﷺ) and said: ‘Do you kiss your children?’ He said: ‘Yes’. He said: ‘But we, by Allah, never kiss (our children)’. The Prophet(ﷺ) said: ‘What can I do if Allah has taken away mercy from you?'” [Sunan Ibn Majah 3665]

 Narrated Sahl bin Sad: A tumbler (full of milk or water) was brought to the Prophet who drank from it, while on his right side there was sitting a boy who was the youngest of those who were present and on his left side there were old men. The Prophet asked, “O boy, will you allow me to give it (i.e. the rest of the drink) to the old men?” The boy said, “O Allah’s Apostle! I will not give preference to anyone over me to drink the rest of it from which you have drunk.” So, the Prophet gave it to him. [Sahih al-Bukhari Book 40 Hadith 541]

PROPHET MUHAMMAD AS A DAEE’ AND LEADER

“O Prophet, indeed We have sent you as a witness and a bringer of good tidings and a warner.”
[Surat Ahzab: Verse 45]

The prophet peace be upon him was the best, most tactical daee’ there ever could be. He was known for his outstanding way of doing da’awah and convincing the people that Islam is the true religion.

There are some stages that the prophet peace be upon him went through in his da’wah:

1. Khalwah (Isolation) to worship: Before prophethood, Muhammad (S.A.W) used to isolate himself for several days up to one month at Cave Hira, far away from idolatry and the vices of the Quraish.

2. Revelation: This is the first time Jibril aleyhi ssalam was sent to prophet Muhammad peace be upon him and asked him to read.

3. Ba’ath wal Irsal (delegation and being assigned as a messenger): Muhammad (S.A.W) is given the duty as a messenger of Islam to spread the word of Allah (S.W).

4. Start of da’awah: There were two phases here; secret and open da’awah. First, the prophet started with secret calling to Islam whereby forty people reverted including Abubakar, li, Khadija, Uthman and others (Allah’s peace be upon them all). Then came the verses: “Then declare what you are commanded and turn away from the polytheists.” [Surat Hijr: 94] and “And warn, [O Muhammad], your closest kindred.” [Surat Ash-shua’ra: 214] That’s when the prophet peace be upon him started openly calling to Islam to his relatives, at the market, to the pilgrims at the Kaabah and any chance he got.

5. Hijrah to Madina: The prophet and his sahaba were granted permission by Allah (S.W.) to migrate to Madina after the suffering and endless torture from the Qureish.

6. Acquiring support of the Ansar of Madina: The Ansar of Madina helped the prophet and his sahaba; they welcomed them, offered them their homes, food and clothing and pledged to support Muhammad and the flag of Islam to the very end.

7. Allah’s support: Allah (S.W) granted his prophet support and help during the different battles that he fought i.e. battle of Badr, Uhud, Ahzab, Conquest of Makkah etc and He made large numbers of people convert to the true religion.

To be continued…

P.S I am not a scholar and this is my little effort in spreading the knowledge therefore in case of any mistake/correction/addition needed in this article about the prophet (p.b.u.h) and his life, kindly email me at: info@lubnah.me.ke.

***

Assalam aleykum everyone,

In the previous post I mentioned about a fundraising we are conducting for a lady struggling with endometriosis. She is in chronic pain and every coin we donate and every time we share this message, you are helping her immensely. So please don’t hesitate to help in any way you can.

We are currently at 35,683/= with the fundraising. Please let’s all join hands and assist her with whatever small we can afford. 

To contribute Mpesa: 0700892829

Kindly do share this message and remember her in your duas.

May Allah bless you all and easen all your battles. Ameen.

 

by
Keep Reading
Deen (Religion)

FEELING UGLY? BETTER NOT

By

There you are. Staring at the mirror once again before turning right away. You hate it. You hate how your nose bulges and how your lips are too thin. You hate the black spots on the cheeks and how your eyes seem to sink into the sockets. You stare at your skin, too dark or too pale? You hate how your frail body always seems unbalanced like wind could easily sweep you away. You don’t like your kinky hair nor your inability to be the height you really wish you had. In short, you pretty much dislike everything about your body, your physical appearance and even your existence.

We are so filled with insecurities because of the society’s definition of beauty. And I said this before; the beauty industry is so ugly. It makes us apologize all our lives for not being ‘beautiful enough’. So here we are, so obsessed with ‘doing something’ about how we look and our outer image. Spending so much money on three, four make-up kits, buying designer clothes, shoes and perfumes just so we can hide all these things about ourselves we are not proud of. Don’t get me wrong, you are free to spend on whatever you like but when you do it, it should only be because it really does make you happy and not for the sake of fitting into the society’s league of beauties.

I come across several people, who when you tell, ‘You look pretty’ they’ll really be shocked and shrug it off not just for the sake of being polite but because they really think they are not. And it is sad because of how much this really affects our self-esteem. The truth is, we may all vary in our levels of attractiveness yet we all are beautiful in our own unique way and beautiful in the eyes of Allah. If Allah (S.W) considers you beautiful, why would you ever doubt that?


KE Gif Ge 468X60

Let me tell you a story of a sahabi who was considered the ‘ugliest’. His name was Julaybib (may Allah be pleased with him). Julaybib’s family background is unknown. We don’t even know what his second name is. We don’t know who were his parents, his lineage or which tribe he came from apart from that he came from Madinah. His name actually means ‘deformed’. He was known for his deformities and for his appearance. In fact the way he was described was, ‘qaseer, wa faqeer, wa dameem’ i.e. he was extremely short, extremely poor and extremely repulsive. In a world where family lineage, background, wealth and appearance are made to be so important, we can imagine what kind of a tough life Julaybib had. He didn’t have friends or family or companions. No one was interested in him. He went through a lot of verbal abuse and was bullied countless times.

So one day the prophet peace be upon him meets Julaybib and asks him about him. The prophet was actually concerned about him. Julaybib replies to the prophet by asking, ‘Ya Rasul Llah, do you think the only woman I get to marry is in jannah? The hur al ain (women in paradise)?’ and the prophet immediately understood his agony and belief that he would never be able to get married in this world. So the prophet decides to take the matter in his own hands and went to one of the sahabas who had a beautiful daughter. He said to the other sahabi, ‘I want to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.’ The Sahabi was so excited and saw no greater honour than that. In his mind, he is marrying off his daughter to the prophet peace be upon him. Then when the prophet clarified that he wants to ask her for Julaybib, the father paused in hesitation and said ‘let me ask her mother’. The reaction was the same with the mother; extreme excitement when she first thought it was the prophet who wanted their child and immediate rejection upon knowing it is Julaybib. But the girl overheard the conversation and told her parents, ‘How can we reject a proposal and an order from the prophet peace be upon him?’ This pure lady insisted on accepting Julaybib and eventually became his wife.

On the battle of Uhud, Julaybib passed away. The prophet (SAW) frantically tried to find Julaybib on the battle ground and saw him surrounded by 7 enemies. Julaybib killed 7 enemies before they killed him. The Prophet (SAW) gets emotional, picks Julaybib up with his two hands and repeatedly says, “This one is from me, and I am from him, he is from me and I am from him, he is from me and I am from him.” He takes Julaybib and digs a grave for him with his own hands, and buries Julaybib himself. And what better honour than this? What is physical attractiveness compared to the love of Allah and his prophet?


KE Gif Ge 468X60

There are several other stories about other sahabis who were deemed unattractive and the prophet peace be upon him always showed love to them for who they really are; their beauty deep inside and not how they looked. Another example is the story of a sahabi by the name of Zahir ibn Haram. His story is narated in a hadith by Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) said,

“There was a man from amongst the Bedouins whose name was Zahir bin Haram. Whenever he came to Medinah for a need, he brought something for the Prophet (saw) as a gift, like cottage cheese or butter. Likewise, when the Prophet (saw) would prepare something to give to him whenever e wanted to leave, such as dates and so on.

The Prophet (saw) used to love him and say, “Zahir is our Bedouin and we are his city dwellers.”

Zahir was not very good looking. One say, Zahir (may Allah be pleased with him) left the desert and came to Allah’s Messenger (saw) but did not find him. He has some merchandise to sell so he went on to the market place.

When the Prophet (saw) found out about his arrival, he went to the market place looking for him. When he arrived, he saw him selling his merchandise with sweat pouring down from his face. He wore Bedouin clothers which did not smell good either. The Prophet (saw) hugged him tightly from behing, while Zahir was unaware and could not see who it was.

Zahir became scared and said, “Let me go! Who is this?!” But the Prophet (saw) remained silent. Zahir tried to release himself from his grip and started to look right and left. When he saw the Prophet (saw) he relaxed and calmed down, placing his back against the Prophet’s chest. The Prophet (saw) began to joke with him, saying to the public: “Who will buy this slave?! Who will buy this slave?”

Thereupon, Zahir looked at himself and thought of his extreme poverty, for he had neither wealth or good looks.

He said, “You will find me unmarketable, O’ Messenger of Allah.”

The Prophet (saw) said, “But you are not unmarketable with Allah. You are very precious to Allah.” And in another narration the prophet tells him, “But you are priceless in the sight of Allah, you are beautiful in the eyes of Allah, do not worry about how you look”

In another instance, the prophet again tried to redifine the meaning of beauty to us in the story of Abdullah ibn Masood. Abdullah ibn Masood (RA) was so short he was a dwarf, and one day he climbed into a tree to grab a siwak from the Arak tree for the Prophet (SAW). But Abdullah was so small that the wind blew him into tree. The Sahaba burst into laughter, and the Prophet (SAW) asked them why they were laughing. The Sahaba respodned with, “Ya Rasululllah, his legs are so short like two little twigs.” The Prophet (SAW) said, “But you don’t understand these two legs on the Day of Judgement will be the size and weight of Mount Uhud (on the scale of his good deeds).”

And I get it. It is way tougher right now with all the cover magazines, social media personalities and superstars we idolize from all over the world. But in the end remember God never created anything ugly, again I say it, we may vary in the level of attractiveness but no one is entirely ugly. This is because Allah (S.W) mentioned it Himself in Surat Tin:

By the fig and the olive

And [by] Mount Sinai

And [by] this secure city [Makkah],

We have certainly created man in the best of stature;

See how Allah took an oath FOUR times before stating that He created us in the best form.

Whatever or however you look like, do know that it is but a test from Allah. We never really put much thought to it but beauty is a big test of its own. There is a high risk into falling into arrogance or zina or other detestable behaviours. The same way physical unattractiveness may make us fall into the whispers of shaytan of self-pity and self-loathing and sadness. So love yourself in whatever state you were created and be grateful for it. What really matters is the state of your heart and soul and imaan. And also, remember to not stigmatize, bully, laugh or point out the flaws in others. You never know how much it hurts them.

REMEMBER:
{“Verily, Allah does not look at your appearance or wealth, but rather he looks at your hearts and actions.”} -Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H)

P.S Don’t forget to subscribe please! (the button is at the end of the page)

Sources:
The prophet’s path- Youtube
The merciful servant- Youtube
The “Ugliest” Sahabis
https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/islam/general-islamic-topics/267496-zahir-bin-haram-our-beloved-muhammed-saw

by
Keep Reading
Coast & Culture

MADRASA; BAKERY OF DISCIPLINE

By

Photo Courtesy: https://s22.postimg.org

Warning: This is going to be a long one 😉

Everyone can agree that Madrasas make up almost the biggest part of our great childhood memories or perhaps the worst. This is where we got shaped and molded into the characters we are today. How we were shaped however, is a different story. They say, the end justifies the means… or does it? If anything, Madrasas are the best example of this phrase.

Back down the memory lane, most families had neglected the Madrasas. Secular education was given the priority giving minimal time for the children to adopt Madrasa teachings. This in turn made the children consider Madrasa as ‘not-so-serious’ a place. It was like the damp spot where parents would take them on weekends so that they don’t bother people back home.

If you ask anyone about their Madrasa days they’ll mention a lot of punishments where students were subjected to individually or as a group. First mistake would always be ‘getting late’ because hey! It’s weekend! The entire family is going for a wedding somewhere and you spent an entire hour crying why you are being left behind while they’ll be enjoying some good biryani with roasted chicken. So you get to the gate, eyes red and swollen and you find a whole group standing aside while the assembly is going on. You become a bit relieved that you are not alone. However, once the assembly is over and the teacher on duty confronts you, he surprises you all by checking the uniform instead or whether your nails are clipped. So you end up with double punishment. But it never ends there does it? You somehow end up in the noisemakers list in class and the ustadh gives you ‘THAT look’ of ‘Too many mistakes in one morning young boy’!

There was always a lot of fun associated with all the mischief which involved incomplete assignments and ending up doing the assignment at the corridor, making fun of other students or rhythmic and loud reading during classes; which more often than not irritated the teachers, a lot of skiving where one or a collective group would go out for lunch break and decide not to come back because you decided that your family will not go for that wedding without you, a lot of ‘tell your parent to come tomorrow’ because let’s face it the teachers were having up to their necks dealing with stubborn kids.

Coming back to class late was a norm because you got caught up in the games you were playing or were waiting in line for your potatoes and other snacks to be prepared; and so when you reach the class you know what’s waiting inside so you all stand by the door deciding who was bold enough to ask for permission to get in. Then there were those days we’d be sent home because we had applied henna on Eid day despite it being against madrasa rules or for the lack of payment of fees on time…yeah the list is endless!

In attempt to change the ‘relaxed-mode’ children had on madrasa, the teachers always opted to cane the naughty children, especially with the famous kikoto (A local type of cane commonly made in Coastal region by use of Reeds.)


KE Gif Ge 720X300

When it came to the need for students to learn, caning only brought fear into them making them memorize things they don’t understand in the least bit. My mother tells me of how when they were young, they’d go to madrasa sit in straight lines and start singing what they’ve been taught, swinging themselves frontward and backward. How they’d put small pieces of kashatas between the mashaf pages then come back and start eating them piece by piece while the ustadh is not looking. They’d then quickly go back to chorusing with the rest, turning their oily mashaf pages. It seemed all merry when the whole class was chorusing like that…but now many years later, she confesses that then, she, and many others did not even know what they were saying. The caning only prompted them to cram something so that whenever the teacher asks a question, they had an answer. Nonetheless, the caning was fruitful when it came to hifdhul qur’an (memorization of the holy qur’an).

So basically, punishments differed on 3 factors: The teacher himself, the personality of the student and the kind of mistake done.

We all had some experience with the ‘bad news’ ustadh who you’d carefully avoid on the way even if you’ve done nothing wrong. He is always ready to cane; always ready to strike; always armed with his kikoto. Yet others would go for other less violent kind of punishments like making the students kneel, making them stand the whole session, pinching, sweeping, squatting, washing the washrooms, cleaning corridors, extra assignments, calling of the parent or being detained from going to tea/lunch break.

This however also differed according to the child in question. For some children just the mere mention of ‘I’ll cane you’ is enough to scare them and make them do the right thing. They’d weep like no one’s business if you even jokingly mention that you’ll summon the parent. Yet another child is so used to the canning that it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s routine now and thus, doesn’t mould them in anyway. Sometimes, it even made the students become more rebellious and beating them was as useless as screaming on their faces. But this same naughty child if detained from going to have lunch, he tends to settle down. A lazy child would detest being given extra assignment and that would be the perfect punishment for him/her.

When it comes to collective mistake i.e. the whole class making noise, or late comers, the teacher would ask them to sweep the classroom or wash the loos for the older students. For some children, telling them to go out of the class as punishment acts as the best thing for them. It turns out to be ‘free-class-to-have-fun’ oh yeah, and to make more mischief. So the child’s personal character always factored in the kind of punishment.

How the child/children are punished depended on the kind of mistake too. For a mistake like late-coming, the punishment would be lesser than the ones who got into a fight. Or noise-makers compared to the ones skiving classes.

The teachers would always use the small punishment methods and only when things really escalated is when the parent is summoned.


KE Gif Ge 720X300

It’s no secret that Madrasa punishment is better than school (before the anti-punishment law came in). Yet still, there were/are parents who still go to complain once their children are canned or in the least, touched at all. The parents would sometimes respond to complaints from the Madrasa by transferring their child to another institution which ends up making the child always half-baked with information and sometimes in character too.

We all have experienced or at least witnessed the dramatic parents who are always so protective and just at the slightest caning of their child, they’d appear at the institution and start shouting to whoever they can throw words to, threatening to report to the police if their children are canned again yet they are in the first place responsible for the negligence the children have on Madrasa. If the parents showed the children how important Madrasa is, the mischief would be less and they’d be more serious on Madrasa education.

Punishment systems have changed over the years. This could be because the teachers realized that they are using the wrong approach in the desperate need of making students prioritize Madrasa studies. Nowadays, there is less caning. We can’t say it has stopped completely but teachers are more and more adopting the alternative punishment systems like giving them extra assignments or sweeping classes and corridors amongst other methods. Different Madrasas have also tried different ways to make Madrasa more interesting for children i.e. including extra-curricular activities and trips too. They also involve the parents a lot more than before on the issues of their children.

The best move Madrasa systems have taken, however, is ensuring that their teachers undergo teachers’ training before stepping into class. This is unlike before whereby anyone with the knowledge could teach regardless of whether they knew how to handle the mentality of children or not. Some Madrasas would let the older kids teach the younger ones just because they had a little more knowledge than the little ones, or the smarter kids would teach the other kids when a teacher was not around. So now we have better teachers who have studied psychology of the children and are able to deal with them in the right way.

The punishments have been the better evil for many of us. Apart from the notorious students whom we’d tell ‘haskii la mwadhini wala mteka maji mskitini’ to, many owe their good discipline to the Madrasa teachers who ensured they behave. Many of us wouldn’t even know how to recite Surat Fatiha if not for the canning. The punishments done in Madrasa have mostly been moderate apart from a few cases and they seem necessary in order to straighten the children up.

Apart from that, we got the many memories from these days; the days we did mistakes and cried even before the teacher raised the cane, or the days we knelt down until our knees ached, or when we were late and were sent back home; half happy half miserable, or those days when someone stole and we’d have soot applied on his face (someone mentioned this and couldn’t help but imagine and laugh). As much as we as a community have undermined the Madrasa for so long, we have to admit that we learnt good lessons and became better people from what we learnt back then.

I know some really hate the memories they have of back then or of the entire madrasa system, and some would enthusiastically want to debate this whole punishment issue, nonetheless, I guess at the end of the day it is only each one of us who can judge and perceive those days as they will. Everyone is entitled to their opinion after all.

In my opinion, there is improvement and gradual process in the Madrasa systems which hopefully will make more students serious on the deen education which has been comprised for so long. As for the punishments (the moderate reasonable ones that is), I hope they still stay in the system until the later generations. In the current dark world, we need a system that will still humble us and mold us to be better individuals.

by
Keep Reading
Deen (Religion)

BEING A HALAMEE

By

…And how my 1 year in madrasa changed my perspective of things

Just a few weeks after my graduation, I decided 2016 would be my year; the year to discover myself, to challenge my abilities, the year to heal and let go, the year to get to my higher self so I decided to join madrasa again. It had been more than 5 years since I was in a madrasa class but I decided this would be my new year resolution. I quickly registered for the diploma in Islamic studies and went ahead to get my goal done.

It was quite strange for people at first. Those criticisms started coming.
“First class honors? Aren’t you supposed to be at KTN anchoring and killing people with that smile?”
“What about your masters? Don’t you want to do your masters?”
Then came the concern.
“But why are you doing this anyway? Be a teacher?”…I am doing this for myself and that is enough reason.
“Isn’t it too far for you?”
Then came the pettiness.
“Aren’t you the girl who spends all her time on the internet?” (Apparently this makes me a haramee so going for deen studies quite conflicts my journalistic career lol)
But the pettiness has always been there.
“Ustadha mzima wavaa hizi vitu?” (Hizi vitu: the luminous bracelets)
“If you; a Muslim union official wears a cap, what do you expect from us?” (This was during a sports events; all women, the cap on my hijab but still, it makes me a haramee somehow :D)
“You are too obsessed with sneakers” ( *rolls eyes* This somehow makes me like a gangster and gangsters barely get to jannah you know 😀 )

Then, my friend, don’t you dare make mistake, or say a wrong word, or the wrong joke. Have I insisted enough? No wait. DO NOT DARE MAKE A MISTAKE because both the haramees and halalees are going to judge you. Because once you do, the haramees will call you a silent killer, a pretentious little devil. The halalees will quote from the qur’an and hadith. They will quote fatawas of Bin Baaz and talk about Sheikh Annawawy. You, my friend, you are NOT allowed to make a mistake. They will send you pdfs and long emails on how wrong you are. They will condemn people like you; people who talk about faith and truths people didn’t even want to hear, then make a mistake. Buddy, you are NOT allowed to be human.

A moment of silence people. A moment of silence to all the petty people 😀 😀 😀

But then I was forced to accept that as a writer and a journalist, you are putting a part of yourself to the world out there. Not everyone will like you or what you say and write. You will get positive remarks but also lots of negative ones and you just had to accept both and learn how to be yourself.

So for the longest time in my life, I was the girl who was too haramee (the ones breaking the rules of religion) for the halalees (the ones who are very pious; jannah material straight away 😀 ) and too halalee for the haramees. So I was right at the middle. I had friends on both sides. Some haramees would sometimes be the go-getters, the ambitious souls who just won’t allow life to bring them down. They became my source of inspiration. And halalees, people who would always bring you closer to Allah. But then I didn’t just belong anywhere. You sit with the haramees and they talk of how judgmental the halalees are. How they pretend to be so perfect and straight. Then they’ll refer to them as, “Those friends of yours nkt…they are so judgmental” and I would be quick to jump in and say, “That is just inferiority complex” because as much as some are judgmental, sometimes, the halalees haven’t even told them anything. It’s just their guilty conscious making them feel attacked even before they are.
Then when i’d sit with the halalees, they’d start talking of how someone did something wrong or messed up and i’d jump in, “You guys don’t give people the benefit of doubt or just try and understand how our backgrounds and lives are so different…sometimes people are just so neglected they get lost.” As such, I barely had any long-term friendships with people. They expected me to fit in; I just simply didn’t and it bothers them when you are different. I believed and still believe in seeing the good in each and every single person so I interacted according to what each human being had to offer and filter out the rest. So when 2016 began, I was ready to explore my higher self and this, changed my perspective of things in a great way.

Upon joining the college, I realized again, that it would be hard to fit in. Being in an environment with people who are very-well covered from head to toe, ladies who don’t even go out without a mahram, they rarely even have phones. So here I was again, the haramee; the social media noise maker, the too English, the too opinionated & educated, the non-niqabi, the girl who is always typing (Too much dunya you know 😀 ). But they were beautiful souls; the kind to inspire you be a better person and change your ways. Sometimes they just look at you or comment on something you have done and you feel attacked, so here I was, thinking like a haramee. They are judging me. But then it is just the battle between the soul and the brain. How to accept opinions and change. And yes, sometimes they’ll judge you because they are humans too; making mistakes.

And you are in a class environment with very educated lecturers who tell you of how they were in their jahilliyya periods; how they also did mistakes before finding their way. Teachers who keep reminding you that even as a deen seeker, you are never to be rough to those who may be lost. In an environment where young men debate about important issues and you just realize, yes, there are some good men out there who are only after their akhera.

Slowly, I came to see them making mistakes and you get to notice the human part of them. You see them complain and sad sometimes. You see them planning their halaal outings and having fun their own way. My perspective started to change and I realized something interesting about us human beings.

That we are all desperate human beings trying to be right in this messed up life. We all seek what our heart desires but at the end of the day there is no us or them. There is just WE; all of us having that little devil inside of us. Sometimes it gets the better of us and conquers our souls and we do wrong things, and sometimes our imaan is high and alive and we conquer our ego. There is no haramee or halalee per se because there are some haramees who are actually doing so much good to other people despite their rebelliousness to deen. And there are halalees who are so attached to the deen yet have no character to deal with people. We are all kinda messed up so we create squads and think we are the better humans just so we can satisfy our egos. We are all a combination of haramee and halalee at the same time. We just choose which one to make it visible as our image. It’s all about everyone’s personal journey to their higher self; some are still at the first step, some at the fifth, some have reached the peak while some haven’t started yet. Maybe this is why we should be kind and more empathetic to people; let us try see the good in them despite how annoying and evil they may seem. Forgive people and judge them not. Let God be the judge, but still, pray for yourself and for others. Pray for guidance and understanding. Pray for a beautiful end that would lead to all of us be in jannah together.

Yes, I am a halamee.
I am the haramee who is on the path to being a halalee.
I am still on my journey to getting to my higher self 🙂

P.S Munawwarah college has now started a bachelors of arts in Islamic studies after partnering with International University of Africa. They also offer diploma in teaching Arabic and Islamic studies, diploma in arabic language, certificate in Arabic, certificate in Islamic studies and by the way, ICDL (International Computer Driving License) course too.

You need to find yourself? Find Allah first.

You can contact the college at: 0735 559 095 or check their website at: info@almunawwarah.ac.ke

by
Keep Reading
Deen (Religion)

BLUE TICKS AND TYPING…

By

Photo Courtesy: http://cosmouk.cdnds.net/

The past two days at the first annual Islamic conference were just A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!! Alhamdulilah; just the kind of things that can make me feel the thrills for the rest of the year 😀 I mean, one sheikh Rishard can make your entire week wonderful so you can imagine having him plus sheikh Kishki plus Al Qahtani plus Abu Hamza plus Ismail plus Abdulghani Bashir plus sheikh Suleiman from different parts of the world, all under the same roof on the same stage! May Allah bless them for all their outstanding lectures and to all the organizers, volunteers and donors who made this event a major success mashallah. It was too exciting I wish I could literally drag everyone to come and learn from them. If you missed it, you REALLY missed out! Lol okay I won’t add any more pepper to the wounds but I can share something I learnt from sheikh Abdulrahman Mansur Al-Qahtani; one the most humorous and coolest sheikhs of our century 😀 Maybe next time we can have both Mufti Menk and Nouman Ali Khan on the same stage and we all know how that conference will rock! Ameen to this 😀

So sheikh Al-Qahtani talked about the promises made by Allah in the qur’an and how Allah is speaking directly to us. So many times we are swept off by life, with it’s tests, with it’s demands, always busy, always in a rush with the worldly affairs and it’s fanciness we forget the most important thing; what brought us into this world.

The Prophet salallaahu ‘alayhi wa aleh wa sallam said that Allah said (in hadith Qudsi): “Myself, Mankind and Jinn are in a great serious state. I create them, then they worship other gods that they make for themselves. I bless them with my bounties, then they thank someone else for what I sent them. My Mercy descends to them while their evil deeds ascend to Me. I endear them with My gifts even though I have no need to any of them while they alienate themselves from Me with their sins even though they are desperate for My help. Whoever returns to Me , I accept him no matter how far he is. And whoever turns away from Me, I approach him and call on him. Whosoever leaves a sin for My sake, I reward him with many gifts and whoever seeks to please Me, I seek to please him. Whoever acknowledges My Will and Power in whatever he does, I make the iron bend for his sake. My dear people are those who are with Me (i.e. whoever would like to be with Me, let him supplicate to Me and remember Me). Whoever thanks Me, I grant him more blessings, whoever obeys Me, I raise him and endeavor him more. Whoever disobeys Me , I keep the doors of My Mercy open for him, if he returns to Me, I bestow him with My Love , since I love those who repent and purify themselves for My Sake. If he does not repent, I still treat him by putting them in hardship to purify him. Whoever favours Me over others, I favour them over others. I reward every single good deed ten times over or seven hundred times over to countless times over. I count every single bad deed as one unless the person repents and asks for My Forgiveness in which case I forgive even that one. I take into account any little good deed and I forgive even major sins. My Mercy supercedes My Anger, My Tolerance supercedes My Blame, My Forgiveness supercedes My Punishment as I am more Merciful with My slaves than a mother with her child.”

Subhanallah, the weight of this hadith qudsi is heavy. So much to question ourselves about. Like how much Allah keeps blessing us, granting us what we want, forgiving us, forgiving us again and again and what do we send back to Him? ‘their evil deeds ascend to Me.’ Yet still He made promises to us; the ungrateful weak humans.

The first promise is: “So remember Me, I will remember You.” Surat Baqarah: verse 152
I am pretty sure we have come across those angry memes on the blue ticks on whatsapp. You are in dire need of help or perhaps just someone to talk to, the ticks have turned blue, the last seen is every past second you check…yet no reply. It is annoying, sometimes heart-breaking. But this is us human-beings. Have you tried Allah? Have you tried talking to Him directly? In your sujood? In your dua? Anywhere anytime??! Do you remember Him at all? We keep saying that communication is a two-way thing then how do we expect Allah to remember any of us when we don’t do the same to Him? Not that He needs us, but because WE NEED HIM! So remember Allah as many times and in many places as possible. Remember Him and He has promised to remember you!

The second promise is: ‘ If you are grateful, I will surely increase you (in favour)’ Surat Ibrahim: verse 7
But how many times do we thank Allah? Sincerely thanking Allah from the bottom of our hearts? For both the good and bad in our lives? He says: ‘when you thank me, I will give you more’. It is a promise. So thank Him. Thank Him for every small and big, Good and bad. And remember; even that the bad you go through is good in disguise. Again, have trust in Allah! 🙂

The third promise: ‘Call unto Me (and) I shall respond to you!’ Surat Ghafir : verse 60.
The thing with Allah is that your messages to Him are delivered spontaneously and so are His replies. You may not know it but Allah has already answered your prayer the moment you make it! Even when you don’t see an answer, His silence is the answer. Sheikh Al Qahatni said: Allah answers your duas in 3 ways: I know you have heard of this so many times but look at it keenly this time round. Let it sink in the mind.

1. He answers your dua immediately. Yep that is when I say; Blue ticks and typing (not literally, His way is way faster than that but you get me right?!) 😉 Trust me, if you have ever made a dua with so much sincerity from the heart, you will relate to this perfectly.

2. He doesn’t give you what you want so that He prevents you from some harm. We have cried. Most of us or all of us for something we wanted so badly. You cry your eyes and heart out but the answer you get is ‘silence’. You pray and cry in days, in months, in years and you give up because you think Allah doesn’t feel you, doesn’t love you…then some day years later something better happens in your life and you are so happy and you just say, ‘I’ve never been happier that what I wanted never happened!’ Ever done that? or heard someone say that? It could be for a job they wanted so badly, or a spouse, or a journey or a child…it can be anything. Yes, that is Allah, loving you and protecting you always. Have trust in Him!

3. Allah doesn’t answer your dua so that you can get abundant reward in jannah. All this pain and heart-ache you are going through right now, be patient about it. Be happy with what Allah has prepared for you. Nabii Ayub aleyhi salam was tested with sickness and loss of wealth and children and Allah answered his dua 18 years later. Mind you, he was a prophet and his dua is immediately accepted yet Allah answered him only after all those years. Be patient. Don’t say that is a prophet I can’t wait that long. Yes, but you can wait for as long as you can.

There are several other promises Allah has made to us, but we are just too blind to see or too unfocused to understand. Verily, in the qur’an and hadiths and hadith al qudsi, you will find Allah repeatedly telling us talking to us, promising us, giving us hope…

“Abu Dharr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, relates from his Lord that Allah said:

يَا عِبَادِي إِنِّي حَرَّمْتُ الظُّلْمَ عَلَى نَفْسِي وَجَعَلْتُهُ بَيْنَكُمْ مُحَرَّمًا فَلَا تَظَالَمُوا

O my servants, I have forbidden oppression for myself and have made it forbidden among you, so do not oppress one another.

يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ ضَالٌّ إِلَّا مَنْ هَدَيْتُهُ فَاسْتَهْدُونِي أَهْدِكُمْ

O my servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance from me and I will guide you.

يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ جَائِعٌ إِلَّا مَنْ أَطْعَمْتُهُ فَاسْتَطْعِمُونِي أُطْعِمْكُمْ

O my servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food from me and I will feed you.

يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ عَارٍ إِلَّا مَنْ كَسَوْتُهُ فَاسْتَكْسُونِي أَكْسُكُمْ

O my servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing from me and I will clothe you.

يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّكُمْ تُخْطِئُونَ بِاللَّيْلِ وَالنَّهَارِ وَأَنَا أَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا فَاسْتَغْفِرُونِي أَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ

O my servants, you sin by night and day and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness from me and I will forgive you.

يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّكُمْ لَنْ تَبْلُغُوا ضَرِّي فَتَضُرُّونِي وَلَنْ تَبْلُغُوا نَفْعِي فَتَنْفَعُونِي

O my servants, you will not be able to cause harm to me and you will not be able to cause benefit to me.

يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ كَانُوا عَلَى أَتْقَى قَلْبِ رَجُلٍ وَاحِدٍ مِنْكُمْ مَا زَادَ ذَلِكَ فِي مُلْكِي شَيْئًا

O my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to become as pious as the most pious heart of anyone of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything.

يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ كَانُوا عَلَى أَفْجَرِ قَلْبِ رَجُلٍ وَاحِدٍ مَا نَقَصَ ذَلِكَ مِنْ مُلْكِي شَيْئًا

O my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of anyone of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything.

يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ قَامُوا فِي صَعِيدٍ وَاحِدٍ فَسَأَلُونِي فَأَعْطَيْتُ كُلَّ إِنْسَانٍ مَسْأَلَتَهُ مَا نَقَصَ ذَلِكَ مِمَّا عِنْدِي إِلَّا كَمَا يَنْقُصُ الْمِخْيَطُ إِذَا أُدْخِلَ الْبَحْرَ

O my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to rise up in one place and make a request of me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have any more than a needle would decrease the sea if put into it.

يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّمَا هِيَ أَعْمَالُكُمْ أُحْصِيهَا لَكُمْ ثُمَّ أُوَفِّيكُمْ إِيَّاهَا فَمَنْ وَجَدَ خَيْرًا فَلْيَحْمَدْ اللَّهَ وَمَنْ وَجَدَ غَيْرَ ذَلِكَ فَلَا يَلُومَنَّ إِلَّا نَفْسَهُ

O my servants, it is only your deeds that I record for you and then recompense for you, so let him who finds good praise Allah and let him who finds other than that blame no one but himself.”

Keep having faith, keep being strong, keep thanking Allah, keep trusting Him and most importantly; keep smiling 🙂

by
Keep Reading