Selfish

By: Naima Baghozi

A girl in our school named Kela was the most selfish person anyone can come across. Read on and you will understand what I mean…

My name is Malu and I see myself as a very friendly and outgoing girl. This, you will know from the uncountable friends that I have. I couldn’t see anyone in a bad way; in fact I took everyone as friendly, outgoing and kind as myself. Therefore, it was a surprise to me when almost everybody tried to convince me what a bad and selfish girl the new student named Kela was. I just couldn’t believe nor accept it and I kept telling everyone that it can’t be true. That she is just shy, being new in the school and in town too for she and her parents had just moved from a neighboring town. I kept on finding excuses for her. However, my friends just would not understand why I wouldn’t believe them. This is because I am the sort of person who has to see things for myself without being told to believe, so I decided to keep my eyes wide open on Kela.

Luckily it so happened that Kela was placed in the same class as I and I decided to be my usual friendly self. I went over to where she was sitting and extended my hand in order to introduce myself. ‘Hello, my name is Malu and what is yours?’ I said with a big smile on my face but…

She just looked at my hand with such disgust on her face that one would have thought my hand was a snake ready to strike her. I felt so horrible and walked away slowly wondering what was wrong with her!?

That was my first experience with her but I refused to give up on her because I am not used to people snubbing me – so it was like a challenge for me and I decided to face it… She didn’t know what was coming, he, he, he…

All the way home and far into the night while lying on my bed open eyed, I kept trying to figure Kela out, wondering why she was like this or what made her be this way??? Questions, questions and more questions kept on revolving around my head. I decided there and then that I will do everything in my power to find out. I then fell into a deep sleep right away as I was very tired.

“Kela, Kela come play with me skipping rope please.”

“No Malu, I don’t want to.”

“Oh! Please, please, it is going to be a lot of fun.”

“I said no. I don’t want.” continued Kela with a long face and then even stuck her tongue out at me. That was very rude but I wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept urging her to go and play together…

“Come on Kela, I am just trying to be your friend…”

“I don’t have any friends” Kela replied.

“I know that, that’s why I want to be the first one.” I continued, “Please Kela! Here, shake my hand so we can truly be friends!”

Reluctantly at first a small smile started on Kela’s face and she actually looked pretty instead of her usual long face. She then took my hand in hers and her face lightened up with this beautiful smile and just said “thanks friend…”

“Malu, Malu – what’s wrong with you? Malu, can you hear me?”

I got up with a start and confusion, for a minute not knowing where I was and then I realized I was in my bed. My mother was hovering over me with a worried look on her face and I then realized all that was a dream.

My mom asked me, “Are you alright?”

“Oh! I am fine mom; I was just in a deep sleep and having a dream.” I replied.

“Well, you better get up, breakfast is ready or you will be late for school,” said my mom.

Strangely enough this dream gave me more courage to face Kela and make sure she becomes my friend because I felt there must be something sad that has made her become the sort of person she is now and I was going to make sure I find out what it was.

I quickly got out of bed and did my morning rituals, then right after breakfast picked up my school bag and off I went to school. On the way I met up with a couple of my friends and we went on chattering all the way to school.

The day was as normal a school day usually is. I decided I won’t be too forward with Kela and that I will take things as slow as I can so as not to give her the impression of my being pushy. So I greeted her and moved on.

I decided it would be best to just observe her and her habits and then and only then make my moves in trying to convince her to mend her ways.

It wasn’t long before I found out, for I sit right in the next desk from her, and I could see how terribly rude she was to almost every student who tried to be friendly with her. She would even make faces at their backs and this is a very bad habit for anyone to have.

As days went by I couldn’t help noticing how much she preferred to keep to herself and do everything by herself. She would come to school alone and walk home alone. I felt very sorry for this girl, I don’t know why but I just thought to myself what a miserable life she must be living!

To give credit to my friends, I must accept their opinion about Kela, for she did turn out to be exactly what my friends branded her to be:
“A BAD AND SELFISH PERSON.’

She wouldn’t even share anything of hers with anybody in class; not a rubber, a ruler or even a text book. If anybody dares request her to lend them one or any other of these things – then that person will definitely get a rude plain answer of “NO”.

Come break time when all of the girls don’t mind sharing whatever delicacies we bring from home, she would definitely refuse to even come near us, leave alone sharing her own which we never knew what it was anyway. Oh God! She is such a SNOB, we finally decided.

Thus the days kept dragging on in the same pattern more or less until…

Until one day I decided now this has to stop and I took it in my hands to just follow her home and see where she lives or what sort of life she was living in order for me to make some sense out of all this.

So, after school on this particular day I told my friends to just go on home and that I won’t be long before I join them. Luckily they didn’t question me as to why and why not.

After they left, I hid behind a huge tree which was near our school gate. Not long after, I saw Kela coming out. She first did a strange thing; she looked around all sides as though checking to see if anyone was looking at her. Thank God for the big tree which hid me well, for she passed right by me without even noticing that I was there.

As luck would have it, the path she was taking was quite the opposite of the one leading to my home. I was so glad because this way my friends won’t see me following Kela. My curiosity was driving me crazy about this girl; I just hoped it won’t kill me like it did the cat…

This was my very first time to take this route, so I tried to be very discreet so that Kela may not notice me. I kept quite a small distance between us and I hid behind trees and bushes as we went along – it was quite a distance but I kept on until we came to a little hill which I let Kela climb up and then she disappeared over it, I slowly climbed over it and at the top of it I stood still in shock with my mouth wide open with wonder seeing Kela slowly drawing her legs towards what one can call a home.

You see, what was down there was the worst horrific site of a slum village. So many lousily built box and paper houses clustered so unhealthily together, one would even wonder how anyone can know which one is hers or his.

Tears were rolling down my cheeks and a huge painful lump clogged in my throat wondering if Kela did even have any meal at all. I felt so sad for her and such strong feelings of pity filled the whole of me and for the first time in my life I lifted my face up to the sky and thanked God so much for the privileges that I had, which those people living down that hill never had. I vowed there and then to help this girl in what ever means I can.

Now, everything fell right in place in explanation to her misery and to her attitude in general. One thing impressed me though about her and which made me wonder “how does she manage to come to school so clean every day?!”
I looked down once more and then dragged my feet home like in slow motion, my heart feeling so heavy in sadness…

What will Malu do about Kela?? Wait for the next piece soon in shaa Allah!

Photo Courtesy: www.ayeina.com

Dear Pain,

From the moment I was born and as I grew up, I found myself already betrothed to you. It’s strange isn’t it? How does someone get betrothed at such an age? I mean, what if I turned out to be a vampire just when I turned thirteen? Weird. But it’s more of the culture issue I guess. As far as my memories go by into the past, I remember how you were so obsessed with me. You always fancied that both our names start with ‘P’ and you would always chorus it lovingly ‘Pain and Paranoia’. You were so loving yet so bitter. You were carrying all the world’s misery on your shoulders yet you still afforded to spend time with me. You would walk hand in hand with me and you would introduce me to all your friends. I still remember your best friends; Ego, Selfish and Evil. I remember how you would praise me in front of them as if I were the only girl in this world. You wanted the whole world to know how much you loved me and that you would never depart me. I remember all those days you would take me out with your so called best friends and we would have ‘fun’. That’s what you used to tell me; ‘let’s go have fun’ yet all I remember was hearing the four of you mock people and laugh so loudly. It used to puzzle me a lot. Well, you were quite older than me so I thought maybe I didn’t really understand what this ‘fun’ really meant. For the foolish girl I was, I’d stand next to you; your hand still firmly holding mine, just staring at you and your friends.

I still remember Ego; he was TALL. Really tall that I really had to strain my neck to see his face. But he was still elegant. He was quite handsome and I used to wonder why I wasn’t betrothed to him instead. He always had his hands in his pockets and talk with a firm voice. He walked with a bounce and his head was always held high. Is that what they call confidence? I used to admire him but that was then, I was barely fifteen. At that age you barely know how to differentiate between a cheetah and a tiger. I was so naive…but now…now I know everything in this life.

Selfish was hilariously short and it really used to make me laugh at how the four of you could be best friends. I mean, your physiques were so opposite. It is the first thing anyone would notice upon seeing you together. Anyway back to selfish. Selfish was so over confident. I have never seen anyone think so high of themselves. He always wanted to get the biggest share of everything for he thought he deserves it.To me, he looked a bully. I used to see him snatch food from the beggar’s mouth. Have you ever seen anyone so cruel like that? But selfish thought he deserves it. Sometimes I used to see him look at me maliciously and it used to freak me out. He probably also thought that he should have me instead of you. Well, you never noticed all that because you were always busy praising to the world about me without looking at their reactions. Maybe you trusted them so much??

Evil…evil was ugly. Damn ugly and ironically, he used to boast about himself like there is no one on this earth like him. Everything about him was ugly; his croaky laughter and even his dark enigmatic smile. He was rough and tough. He was all the three of you combined; he was torment, torture, unpleasant and wicked all together. He always considered himself the ring leader of your group.

I still remember the night your friends raped me. Oh…how can I forget the misery that came after. How can I forget the sadness and despair? You know what pain, you always used to make me wonder which side are you really? When your best friends raped me, you were mad. So mad that it worried me you would explode. Yet you decided to cover it up for them by marrying me. You thought that would make me forget. You thought you could make me happy once again.

Years went by and I gave birth to our first child; insomnia. Oh my son…he wouldn’t let me sleep. He made me turn and roll on the bed restlessly. I cried and cried until the wee hours of the night. I cried until I had no more tears. I cried until my pillow was too wet. I cried for you; because of you, for the past, present and future. I cried that you were the only person who loved me so dearly in this life. The only person who wouldn’t leave me alone. I treated myself with lots of chocolates and bowls of ice cream. As people say, treating oneself like that is good for the stressed soul…yet this technique didn’t work for me. My boy troubled me…but where were you Pain? You were just there with me; like a shadow. Always there yet never giving me the happiness I needed.

Insomnia grew and soon we had our second child. It was a girl this time. I was so happy. I wanted to make her my best friend, teach her how to cook and how to dress up. I had so many plans for her and for us. I called her ‘eating issues’. She was so fragile and weak. She had no appetite even to live. Her eyes looked tired and she was weightless like cotton. Eating issues worried me a lot. I worried that she was going to die soon yet she still lives; still as fragile. Still as weak.

Having too troublesome kids is not easy especially when you have an obsessive husband like you Pain. Anyway, God has now blessed me with another bump. A third one is coming. I think it’s a ‘she’. Don’t ask me how I know this. I am a mother, I can feel it. I have been thinking of aborting her for quite a while now but i’m a mother after all, I don’t think I can be that cruel. I think I will name her ‘pending issues’ for she will be born whilst her mother is still worrying about how much the past will affect her future. I hope ‘pending issues’ won’t trouble me. I hope she can be my hope.

Insomnia and Eating issues have grown to be teenagers now yet each one of them is still worrying their mother in a different way. Insomnia wouldn’t let me rest and stop crying. Eating issues wouldn’t let me have a peace of mind or a healthy life. ‘Pending issues’ is soon coming by…

My dear husband; Pain, I have never really enjoyed the idea of having a man so obsessed with me. I’ve had enough of you. I want to be free once again. I want to breath fresh air once again. I want to fly and be happy. I just don’t want to live with you anymore…

I am sorry Pain…I really need a divorce from you. Please grant me that as soon as possible. I already kept the divorce papers under my pillow. My very wet pillow. I hope the papers are still safe. Please do sign them soon. If you truly love me then do it for my sake. Please. Allow me to be the free woman I’ve always wanted to be. Don’t worry about our children. I promise to take good care of them. I was also planning to change their names soon. I was thinking of calling our son, Brave instead of Insomnia. As for our daughter Eating issue, let’s call her ‘Love’ and when our last baby finally comes by, I will call her ‘Hope’. I am sure you like the names right? I know you can trust me to take care of them and raise them with good manners and health. Please do take care of yourself as well and I hope we can meet years from now where your name would then be something like ‘Delight’ or probably ‘Euphoria?’. No, ‘Jubilant’ is even better! My name then would be ‘Joy’ and you will be able to chorus our new names once again, ‘Jubilant and Joy’. I promise we will be happy then.

Before I end this heart-breaking letter, I want to really thank you for being there with me throughout; for the lessons learnt and for the undying love.

Your so-long-loving wife,
Your soon-divorcee,

Paranoia.

THE SELFISH GIRL (Part 1)

DEAR PAIN