survival – Strokes of My Pen

Creative Non-Fiction

THE GAME OF CARDS

By Lubnah Abdulhalim February 15, 2020

The Matatu industry folks are the masters of the game of cards. They are smart. They are quick, very resilient and sometimes, even cunning. Now here’s the thing about them, they know for a fact that you need them. But they also know when to lure you into their game when need be.

You get to the matatu stage at 6 or 7 am in the morning, and the stage is already crowded with all manner of people. The matatus are scarce and with scarcity, comes one other thing, MONEY. At this time, the conductors won’t even look you in your eyes. The moment the matatu stops at the stage, they say what they need to say, without blinking their eyes. “Tao express, 100” and because the mwananchi is desperate to get to work early or else their salary will be sliced, they might as well just board the matatu as is. You will see some reluctant faces, some trying to whisper to the conductor, in a desperate attempt to get him to be more reasonable with the price. But this is not ‘the right talking’ moment. More times than not, the conductors are not interested in hearing your sad tone that early in the morning. So, they allow in who can afford it. The rest wait until the next humane conductor stops.

On other mornings, the matatus are so scarce, everyone is scrambling into the matatu like a tag of war. Some go further by jumping in through the window, and by the time everyone is settled down, we all need a minute to straighten our shirts and skirts and take a breath. I know, the struggle is real!

At this point, the matatu folks know very well what they are doing. There are totally no compromises, no humanity at this point. On other mornings, they will listen to your desperate bargain, ask you to board and when the time to pay your fare comes, they tell you, ‘Don’t you know it is rush hour?!’ My friend, if you had given the conductor more than the fare you bargained, best believe you will not get the change you expected or not get any change entirely. And because this money was budgeted, you try to reason with him, ‘Tuliongea’ or ‘Lakini ulikubali’ but your attempt will not be fruitful. So you attempt using your aggressive, firm tone but you know what? That doesn’t scare them either. In the end, you get tired and keep quiet or they ask you to alight before your actual destination. But do you know which the most annoying scenario is? You talk to the conductor and agree on the fare. You board the matatu, and next two stages ahead, the conductor you talked to alights. He wasn’t even the one in charge and now the next one who comes in doesn’t have time to listen to your blame story.

Darwin’s theory of ‘survival is for the fittest’ makes sense in so many ways. Like in this case, we are all desperate Kenyans, barely making ends meet. The economy is rough on everyone. But who suffers the most? The middle and lower class of the society. Barely anyone wants to be the next Mother Theresa or Mahatma Gandhi. We are all hungry. We are all hustlers. So it really isn’t ‘their’ fault to spike the fare prices in an unreasonable manner when they are just trying to survive too right? At least that’s how some think.

I mean, how many times have you boarded a matatu during morning or evening rush, or during the rain season or holiday season or a matatu strike, and you are told 100 bob every stage. EVERY. SINGLE. STAGE. That means it doesn’t matter if my stage is fifteen minutes away or one hour away, we are all paying the same.

The ones who get it the roughest are the visitors from other parts of the country or abroad especially during the holiday season. Funny thing, it is always very easy to spot a visitor because oblivion and confusion is always on their faces. They will constantly remind the conductor to drop them at their stage, keenly staring at the road ahead. Or the instances where we have teachers’ conferences here in Mombasa and suddenly the prices are doubled for every person, whether a local or a visitor. It is as though the teachers are coming with some funds to share with the community over here. I mean, what’s even the explanation for such manipulation?

Now flip the coin, to during the non-rush hours like between 10:00 a.m. to 3 p.m., you will see totally different people. Same faces, just different behaviour. As soon as they see you coming towards the stage, the conductor will come for you. Sometimes, the driver even reverses his car to where you are. In another second, there are three or four other conductors, all trying to convince you into their matatu. One will try holding your hand, another will tell you their matatu is about to leave; only two people remaining before it fills up (by two they actually mean five or seven people), another will offer you a way lower fare price. If you came to the stage with a bodaboda, they will rush to pay off the bodaboda guy so you are left with no choice but board their matatu. They will plead with you. They will remind you that ‘you are our daily customer’. Another will tell you the driver is calling you or your friend is in their matatu. They will fight for you. If you have low self-esteem, they could actually make you feel that you matter. And yes, you definitely do because their survival game is affected by your coins. Yet, they could crash that same self-esteem they built moments ago by selling you off to another conductor for only 20 bob 😀

Their faces turn from 0 to 100 real quick. They know how to navigate around the police system. They know when to be aggressive. When to be swift. When to be stern. When to be greedy; overloading the matatu with passengers until people are suffocating. When to be friendly. When to be kind. When to be empathetic. Of course this is not how it is with all of them. Some are more understanding of the struggle fellow Kenyans are in too and some are friendly and reasonable regardless of the time. However, most times than not, they are just playing their cards.

Funny thing is, most Kenyans with white collar jobs perceive the matatu industry to be of a lower grade; for the illiterate, poor, uncivilized people. However, the money that matatu drivers and conductors make is way more than what an average Kenyan earns in a white collar job. How they use the money is a different story but we’ve had students educate themselves throughout college using the money earned being a matatu conductor/driver.

So next time you want to pity them or underestimate them, think twice. You are probably being played more than you realize it.

***

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Creative Non-Fiction

IF SUICIDE WASN’T HARAAM

By Lubnah Abdulhalim September 19, 2017

Photo Courtesy: http://allswalls.com

I came across this meme the other day, it was actually a tweet of someone asking something like, “What motivates you to live?” and someone replies, “Suicide is haraam.” And you know it sounds funny but we all know there is so much truth and pain behind most of the memes. Maybe it is because they are quite relatable and you think, “Oh, at least i’m not the only miserable one.” so we just laugh it off even when are writhing in pain deep inside.

I am not sure how things got to the state we are in right now, the current generation that is. I, for one, know that several people would attempt suicide hadn’t it been illegal and an abomination in almost all cultures and religions. At this instance, many have thought of suicide, some have contemplated it, some have attempted it and some went ahead and committed it. What is so wrong about us? Is it that we are too soft or is it that we are just impatient beings who want bliss on a silver platter.

From what I always hear about the previous generations, our parents and grandparents went through a whole lot of hardship too. They would walk for hours to get education, they too suffered due to unemployment, from forced marriages, from ugly divorces, from death of parents and what not…They too suffered but it is important to note that they survived and that suicide was almost unheard of except for the abnormal or mentally ill patients or in very rare cases, the normal people. Were their hearts made from harder and metallic content different from what we are? Or are we simply the spoilt generation?… I am still trying to figure this out yet on the other hand, I do have an idea of where this springs from.

Before I go on. Wait, did you see where that famous vlogger, lady X, had lunch yesterday? Breathtaking right?!! Such a beautiful place and the food looked so delicious! After that she went for a spa…you know, those self-love stuffs we keep talking about. And Mr Y, that instagrammer with 20k followers posted this epic image of himself. He wasn’t doing anything really, but he looks so savage just how he ‘lives’ you know. Its like some people are paid for just existing. Ah, but that’s not even the who we should be talking about. There’s this fashionista who was showcasing her new wardrobe, I almost cried at how gorgeous the artistic prints are. But she is too pretty herself you know, we have to give her the due credit. My God, where are these young people getting all this money to just enjoy life? I mean, I have a job and I earn a salary yet I can’t even afford to be as happy. Sigh. Never mind. Where were we before talking about these seemingly perfect humans?

Aha. Suicide. Have you ever contemplated it? Do you feel miserable because your age mates seem to have everything figured out so well? Your age mates are going for adventures, they are getting married to these ‘perfect humans like themselves’, they are having cute babies, they go to the beach…and you? What do you do? probably nothing compared to what they do right? And that ends up messing you all the time isn’t it? Like why can’t I have any of that? Don’t I deserve it? I know for sure, if suicide wasn’t haraam, many would have tried it.

I think the current generation, my generation, are living in a complete illusion. We are soo engrossed in portraying how our lives are okay, no, in fact, we are more than okay. We are doing too good. We want our ‘haters’ to know that we are doing quite fine even when our haters are probably just people prettier than us or perhaps more successful. We want to be fancied, to be famous, to be noticed everywhere we go. We want to be able to afford any hotel in town and so we do anything to afford that. We want to be savage, to be envied and be seen like hot chocolate. But we all know in reality what goes down in our lives don’t we? We know what we show off and all that ‘awww thank you boo’, is a lot of pretense, sadness and pain. We pressure ourselves a lot and use so much of our energy in proving that we matter, meanwhile, losing the shreds of true peace and happiness within us. For the rest who are not obsessed with being ‘somebody’, we get carried away with what we hear and see about our friends, or these very happy couples and all these famous young people and we push ourselves way too hard to at least lead a ‘good life’ like theirs.

The truth is, what we see online is not even half the truth about what our lives or anyone’s life is about. There are so many fake smiles, fake laughter and fake lives plastered up on our walls to show the world we are doing great. But in reality, everyone is struggling. Each and every human being is struggling in some way. They may not show it but before obsessing over someone’s seemingly perfect life, always keep that in mind. And I know this has been said so many times even with the celebrities themselves, but maybe we should remind one another more often.

Keep in mind that each one of us has their own special journey, their own timeline and their own milestones. Concentrate on yourself, your special self and your special journey. Be patient and love yourself. So if you are thinking of suicide, or contemplate it from time to time, do know that the world is bigger than your struggles. You shall overcome them and you will be happy by God’s will. Life has never been a straight line. No one has gone through misery throoouughout and no one has ever been entirely happy forever. There are ups and downs, so with every low remember that your high is not so far away. Be kind to one another, you never know who needs it. And always remember that when God made suicide illegal, it was because He knew he created you with enough strength within you to tackle your battles. Have faith please and pray a lot.

I know there are a lot other factors that contribute to the increment of suicidal attempts, but I thought to discuss about this first. If your struggles are overwhelming you way too much, please seek help. Please don’t feel ashamed to be helped. If you need a counselor, email me at info@lubnah.me.ke, i’ll link you to one. You never have to go through the storms alone.

To end this, i’ll just drop this forward I received this morning. It was written by one lovely counsellor:

“In the counseling session last night, the sister, after committing 100% to starting her journey of healing and self-care took a step back and asked very sorrowfully,

“But Sr. Bela, what about the years and years of damage, isn’t it going to effect my future?”

So, after taking her through a few more therapeutic processes to answer this question, I added – the example of a man who faced years and years of damage.

He was thrown into the well by his own brothers. Wasn’t it enough to inculcate fear in him and make him lose trust in relationships? Damage. He was sold in a market. Wasn’t it enough to ruin his confidence and sabotage his self-esteem? Damage. He was invited to do an immoral act by a woman. Wasn’t it enough to make him lose his chastity? Damage. He was imprisoned for many years. Wasn’t it enough to give him the liberty of playing victim for the rest of his life? Damage.

But what happened as a result of all these damages?

He stood confidently in the court of a King convincing the king to make him – what we can understand as – a Finance Minister. The years of damage made him – PURE GOLD.

Our beloved – Yusuf A.S.

After years of trauma upon trauma, he emerged the victor.

Lesson: Your past only does to you what you allow it to do. This is the reason Prophets never dwelt on their past and remained persistently positive – came what may.

The damages and trauma come in our lives to

1- erase our sins
2- elevate our ranks
3- teach us what happiness and an easy life could never teach us.
4- make us PURE GOLD.

Take lesson. Learn. Implement and move on.

The victor inside you is waiting for it’s awakening.” – Bela Khan.

If suicide wasn’t haraam, I hope you’d be strong enough you still wouldn’t try it.

Kiddie Tales

THE LIFE CHANGER (part 1)

By Lubnah Abdulhalim April 27, 2017

By: Naima Baghozi

Photo Courtesy:https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com

Sahira stood transfixed on the spot like her feet were glued on the road; unable to move a step. The look on her face was a horrified one for her eyes were opened wide and wider with fright. Her mouth formed an O shape and her heartbeats must have sounded even so loud to herself like a drum beat far into the night.
From afar, she seemed to hear her little brother’s voice calling out her name with such fright in his voice.

“Sahira, Sahira get away from the road…” but she just stood transfixed like a frozen statue. The road was a two way path so cars were driving up and down but she was focused on the oncoming car that was driving at such speed that she was unable to move away from the road.

Her poor little brother Dasi was yelling at the top of his voice for her to get out of the way of the fast coming car but she just couldn’t move even an inch. Then without any other single second passing; the car being at a very high speed, neither was the driver able to slow down nor to step on the brakes before ‘Bang!’ She was its target.

The next thing, Sahira came to her senses with so many bright lights around and with such worried faces of her parents and Dasi looking down at her where she was lying down. She looked at them with wonder as to why they were looking at her in that way or where exactly was she? The only thing she was feeling was pain all over her body like she was on needles. Her head…yes, her head…it felt so heavy that she couldn’t lift it. So she decided to ask her mum where she was and why was she feeling so much pain.

Her mum was literally in tears,
“My dear Sahira, don’t you remember anything? Just remain calm. You had an accident yesterday morning and you have been unconscious since then. You even had an emergency operation. Oh! We have been so worried about you dear!”
“But how did the accident happen?” She asked, puzzled.
“Sahira, it would be better if you ask your brother since he was there and saw it.”
So she turned her face towards Dasi and right away asked him,
“Dasi please tell me, what happened as I can’t remember anything.” And strangely enough, she couldn’t remember anything at all. As much as she tried to remember her head kept hurting her even more. She continued,
“Please tell me Dasi,” with tears in her eyes and slowly streaming down her face as she felt helpless and she felt she couldn’t move at all!

#2
Dasi looked at her with such hurtful eyes that it tugged at her heart and then slowly, he started narrating to her what really had happened.
“My dear sister…”he started as he held her hand tightly, “Yesterday, you and I were going to the shops…upon reaching the main road, you decided to just cross without checking the movements of cars. When you were in the middle of the road, you suddenly saw a fast coming car coming towards you and I don’t know what happened to you for you stood still and didn’t move at all. I kept calling at you so that you may move aside but you seemed not to hear me at all…don’t you remember any of this?”

Sahira looked strangely at her brother and just shook her head from side to side. She felt useless even to herself and she tried to sit up when…
“My legs, I can’t feel my legs…” she cried out breathlessly, “Mum, dad, I can’t feel my legs. Where are my legs?” she kept crying on and on and she was feeling agitated. Her parents tried to calm her down and Dasi ran out to call the nurses and doctors. In a little while, in came the doctor followed by a couple of nurses and seeing how the situation was, the doctor immediately took charge. He gave instructions to the nurses to immediately give her a sedative so that she may calm down and sleep for a while.

The nurses did just that and it wasn’t long before she gave herself up to the strength of the sedative and she was in deep sleep. In the mean time, Dasi and their parents were so concerned and worried about their situation and started firing questions at the doctor almost simultaneously on why she couldn’t feel her legs nor move them. The doctor answered them,
“Please, calm down and let me do some further tests and take x-rays to see what is causing this.”

Dasi felt so sad for his sister as they were very close since they were only two siblings and he always looked up to her and loved her very much. He just hoped and prayed to God that she will be alright and up and about very soon.
First thing early next morning, the doctor instructed the nurses to do the necessary tests plus the x-rays. All this was done with quite an emergency so that the results can come out with immediate effect and the doctor could determine as to the cause of Sahira not being able to move her legs.

#3
Apart from the immobility of her legs, Sahira also got cuts and bruises literally all over her body-thus she also had stitches here and there including a couple of broken ribs and that is why she had all these pains all over her body. She was groaning from every movement she tried to make. Looking at her one could just see bandages all over her…

She continued so much to try recalling exactly what really happened to her or how but to no avail. It was so frustrating to her and it kept on hurting her head even more than ever. She was so determined to know it all, that she decided to ask her brother once again in private.

Since her case was an emergency, all the tests and x-rays were speed-fasted so that by mid morning the results were ready for the doctor’s viewing. The doctor came into Sahira’s room and requested her parents to follow him into his office. The parents stood up in silence and followed the doctor.

At this point, Dasi decided that he too, would follow his parents so he could know exactly what’s happening to his sister. However, Sahira stopped him on his tracks as she had her own ideas and that was to ask her brother of all the details of the accident.

“Dasi, please wait, don’t go and leave me alone. Please stay with me,” she said. Dasi then returned to his seat next to his sister’s bed. He looked again at his sister with such sympathy in his eyes and started to explain as she had requested.
“Basically, it is as I had told you before. There is nothing more to add other than that the driver of the car tried very hard to swerve away from you but it was too late.”
“So then, what happened to the driver?” she asked him.
“Well…”and he stopped.
“Why are you not saying anything Dasi? What happened? Please do tell me. I really need to know,” she pleaded with her brother. Dasi decided it’s best to tell her the truth or she would keep on asking until it would irritate him. After all, he knew his sister. She normally doesn’t stop until she gets what she wants. So he cleared his throat and continued with the explanation.

“You see, as I told you the driver tried very hard to swerve so he wouldn’t hit you and even hooted a lot but you were just like a stone; completely out of it. You were like a deaf person not hearing anything at that time. However, when he couldn’t stop, he just knocked you and you went up like a flying saucer and came down with a real bang. You started rolling down the road, as you know, if you can remember the road was not flat leveled. The poor driver with his swerve went and hit a side tree and then his car kept on rolling and when it came to a stop…it just burst into flames and nothing of it was left including the poor driver. That was the end of him and nothing could be done at that point to save him…”

It is only imaginable that at this point, Sahira was sobbing hysterically and she felt more miserable for she felt she was responsible for this poor man’s death. Dasi tried to calm her down.
“But how can I calm down Dasi, when you know very well I am the cause of this man’s death?” she said.
“That’s not true; you know that it is not true…” Dasi replied.
“It is true, it is my fault and you know it,” she kept insisting.
“Stop blaming yourself for this, if he was not driving at that speed none of this could have happened. This is his own fault,” Dasi kept on convincing her. He then continued,
“Okay, I do sympathize with what happened to him but you can’t blame yourself for what happened to him. Now look at your condition, whom are you going to blame for it? Were it not for his careless fast driving, you would not be in the hospital right now.”
“Dasi stop blaming the poor man, he is dead you know-may his soul rest in peace. The fault is mine that I am in hospital right now, so stop justifying the situation and claiming I am not at fault here,” she intervened. Dasi kept quiet at this point deep in thoughts of his own and she, deep in her own…

How does Sahira accept her new situation? Will she get her memory back?And will she be able to move once again? That, in the next piece coming soon in shaa Allah 🙂