Unhealthy relationships

Have you ever witnessed abuse taking place and you feel the urge to shout at the victim, “WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE?!” because for you, it is as simple as just that? You feel, if only they knew their worth, if they were strong enough, if they weren’t too naive, they’d have left already. Right?

Well, it isn’t as simple as that. There’s a lot of complexity and psychologically distressing processes involved. Sometimes, a trauma bond is formed.

When we talk of trauma bond what do we actually mean? And how does it relate to abuse?

First of all, let’s get the myths out of the way. Trauma bonding does NOT mean bonding/ feeling connected to someone cause they understand your trauma or they’ve undergone similar traumatic experiences. You’ll find the word trauma bonding being misused in a lot social media platforms to mean the above. For example, you’d find friends describing their relationship as a trauma bond because they formed a close relationship over similar traumatic experiences they experienced (whether individually or together). However, trauma bonding actually means an intense emotional attachment between the abuser and the victim characterised with repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation and positive reinforcement.

Ivy Kwong LMFT, a therapist who specializes in healing trauma explains, “A trauma bond develops in relationships where there is a power imbalance and a cycle of reward and punishment. The abuser is in a position of power over the person being abused and alternates between hurting and soothing them.”

Trauma bonds are thought to be the result of unhealthy attachments. As humans, we are hard-wired to form attachments to people that we see as defenders, protectors, or caregivers to survive. As such it is believed that trauma bonds often form from our brains looking for survival methods. This is also known as the paradoxical attachment.

Additionally, it is worth noting that not everyone who experiences abuse forms a trauma bond. However, more people may be more prone to such toxic cycles due to their early experiences, which makes them stick around, some to the point of death.

During the phases of abuse, the abuser may apply tactics such as threats of harm, manipulation, control, shaming, gaslighting and sabotage. These are then mixed with intermittent phases of displays of affection, love and kindness, which create a confusing and addictive emotional rollercoaster.

There are many situations in which trauma bonding may take place. We mostly see this toxic cycle in movies and books on domestic violence where a woman or even a man could be physically and severely injured, then the following day, the abuser is on their knees with a huge bouquet of flowers or an extravagant gift, crying and begging saying they don’t know why this happens and promising to change and the woman somehow trusts them and gives them another chance (could even be 157478 chance yet they still give it). Then they go back to the same behaviour two days later. Familiar right? That’s an example of a trauma bond. But domestic violence is not the only scenario that trauma bonding takes place. Other scenarios include:
Incest, sexual abuse, cults, elder abuse, kidnapping (Stockholm syndrome), human trafficking and child abuse.

Trauma bonds can also happen in a dysfunctional family system, workplace, and even in religious groups, but we most commonly associate trauma bonds with toxic romantic relationships.

Signs of a trauma bond:

These include:

An immediate, intense emotional connection that feels overwhelming, often mistaken for love. Unlike love, this connection forms rapidly, while love typically develops over time.
A sense that the relationship is damaging, yet the thought of leaving seems impossible.
Constantly justifying, downplaying, or making excuses for the treatment received, or even keeping the abuse a secret to protect the abuser.
A feeling that this person is the only one who can offer love or understanding, creating a sense of being stuck despite the pain.
Being told that better treatment or love would be received if only there were changes, yet the expectations continue to shift every time a change is made.
A constant effort to gain approval or affection, regardless of the mistreatment, driven by a deep need for acceptance.
Emotional dependency, with a strong reliance on the other person for emotional stability.
Believing that affection from the abuser offers healing, when in reality, manipulation is what keeps one trapped.
A relationship motivated by the fear of abandonment, leading to anxiety and insecurity.
Frequent preoccupation with the abuser and the relationship, leaving little mental space for anything else.
Intense highs—moments of affection and love—interspersed with devastating lows marked by pain and manipulation.
The abuser isolates the victim from family and friends, deepening dependence on the relationship.
Fear of retaliation when attempting to leave.
A tendency to fixate on the “good days,” using them as proof that the abuser cares.
The goalposts continually shift, making it feel like the target of acceptable behavior is never quite within reach, regardless of the efforts made.
Perceiving anyone who encourages you to leave as an enemy.
The unpredictability keeps the victim hooked, believing the love is worth the pain. They view their love as a lifeline while it is actually the anchor that drags them down.

Stages of a trauma bond:
Though each trauma bond is unique, they often involve a version of the common patterns listed below.

Here’s a breakdown of each stage:

Love Bombing: The abuser showers the victim with excessive affection, attention, and praise, making them feel special and loved. This creates an emotional high and makes the victim feel like they’ve found the perfect relationship.
Gaining Trust: The abuser works on gaining the victim’s trust by appearing caring, reliable, and supportive. The victim becomes more dependent on the abuser, believing that they have someone who truly understands them.
Criticism: Slowly, the abuser begins to criticize the victim, pointing out their flaws or making them feel unworthy. The victim starts to feel insecure, unsure of themselves, and may try to please the abuser to avoid more criticism.
Manipulation: The abuser manipulates the victim’s emotions, often playing on their guilt, shame, or fears. The victim may start doubting their own perception of reality, making them more likely to tolerate further mistreatment.
Resignation: The victim begins to feel powerless and hopeless, believing they can’t escape the cycle of abuse. They may accept the mistreatment, feeling like they don’t deserve better or that things will never improve.
Distress: The victim experiences emotional pain, confusion, and distress from the ongoing abuse, but they often struggle to break free from the bond. This distress can lead to feelings of isolation, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion.
Repetition: The cycle repeats itself, with moments of kindness or promises of change from the abuser, which leads the victim to hope things will get better. This cycle of abuse, remorse, and false hope makes it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship.

These stages form a damaging loop that keeps the victim emotionally attached to the abuser, making it very difficult to break free from the toxic relationship.

“The person being abused may feel conflicting feelings like shame, love, self-blame, terror, relief, anxiety, gratitude, and fear towards the perpetrator. They often feel responsible for the feelings of the person who is hurting them and may try to continually please or appease the abuser,” says Kwong. This makes it even more difficult to break the bond.

How can one heal from a trauma bond?

Acknowledge the truth and validate the pain you’re experiencing
Recognize the pain caused by the trauma bond and accept that the feelings of confusion and hurt are valid. This is the first step toward healing.
Be willing to let go
Let go of false hope and attachment to the abuser. Accept that the relationship is unhealthy and freeing yourself is essential for healing.
Seek help & support from a therapist/trusted family and friends/support groups
Reach out to a therapist or trusted individuals who can offer guidance and understanding. Support groups can help you feel less isolated in your healing journey.
Focus on self-love and healing
Rebuild your self-worth through self-care and daily positive affirmations. Prioritize your emotional health and rediscover joy outside the trauma.
Set boundaries to protect yourself
Establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being, including cutting off contact with the abuser if necessary. In other circumstances, you may need to set a safe exit plan if you fear for your safety when you cut them off.
Take time to grieve what you lost
Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship, including the future and hopes you once had, and give yourself space to process the grief.
Embrace the lessons and growth you’ve achieved through the experience
Recognize the strength and wisdom gained from the experience. View the journey as an opportunity for personal growth and greater self-awareness.
Practice mindfulness and foster self-esteem
Focus on activities that promote emotional well-being, such as mindfulness, prayers, or journaling. These practices help stay present, reduce stress, and nurture self-esteem.
Cultivate a mindset of self-compassion and avoid self-blame
Embrace the understanding that being in a trauma bond is not your fault. Practice shifting from self-criticism to self-kindness. Remind yourself that healing takes time, and the process of recovery is about learning, not punishing oneself. Consistently practicing self-compassion can build emotional resilience and reinforce a positive relationship with oneself.

If you happen to know a trauma bond victim, don’t be quick to judge their inability to step out of the cycle. Remember to extend grace and most importantly, be their support system, help them set up a safe exit plan and be part of their journey of rediscovering themselves post the relationship. Victims often carry a lot of shame with them and how supportive the individuals around them are (or not) will greatly impact their healing journey.

Resources:

verywellmind.com
healthline.com
attachmentproject.com
psychologytoday.com
apn.com
@igototherapy via IG
@quantafreedomhealing via IG
@ellelouisemcbride via IG
Chatgpt

No one can deny it- relationships can be very hard. We all want healthy, balanced, nontoxic and magical connections that can feature on other people’s hashtags as #couplegoals, #friendshipgoals or #parentinggoals. We all want that fulfilment in our lives. Yet sometimes, in our attempt to have these fantastic relationships, we go up and beyond to achieve them, to the detriment of ourselves. Whereas caring for your people is an act of love, when it goes to unhealthy extremes then it becomes codependency.

The word ‘Codependency’ was first used to refer to patterns where partners of substance abusers were deeply entwined in the destructive lives of their loved ones. However, the word is currently used in broad terms to refer to being overly focused on helping, rescuing or controlling others at one’s own expense. The individuals involved take over the responsibility of meeting the needs of others while neglecting their own. They become the rescuers, the savers in a toxic relationship and continue to give themselves beyond limits.

Coming from dysfunctional families is one of the common causes of codependency in adulthood. Most codependent traits usually develop due to childhood trauma, especially in cases where a parent/caregiver has an addiction, is abusive, neglectful or mentally ill. Codependency is thus a learned behaviour and can be passed down from one generation to the next. The individuals caught up in these unhealthy relationship patterns are referred to as ‘Codependents’.

Melody Beattie in her book ‘Codependent No More’ defines codependents as:

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behaviour affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behaviour.

The other person might be a child, an adult, a lover, a spouse, a brother, a sister, a grandparent, a parent, a client, or a best friend. He or she could be an alcoholic, a drug addict, a mentally or physically ill person, a normal person who occasionally has sad feelings, or one of the people mentioned earlier.”

Most times, a codependent doesn’t realize the impact of this imbalanced relationship despite the persistent misery they feel in their lives. This is mainly because most codependents are under the impression that they’re caring and simply trying to fix a relationship with someone they love. However, the problem is that this reliability and giving often develop to very unhealthy degrees and it is the caregiver who suffers the most.

To ensure that you’re not caught up in this rollercoaster, here are some signs of codependency to look out for:

Feeling responsible for other people’s actions, feelings, thoughts, problems and needs.
Regularly try to change or fix people even when the problem is beyond you.
Inability to say no even when something makes you uncomfortable.
Apologizing and feeling guilty often even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
Have people-pleasing tendencies yet feel used/a victim.
Fear of rejection, abandonment or being disliked.
Have trouble setting and holding boundaries.
Have low self-worth & self-esteem- feel unlovable.
Worry a lot and sometimes lose sleep over problems or other people’s behaviour.
Try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
Feel exhausted, irritated, hopeless, frustrated and anxious.
Self-sacrifice to avoid upsetting others.
Desperately seek love and approval.
Don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with yourself and look for happiness outside.
Have a difficult time asserting your rights.
Don’t trust yourself or other people.
You easily lose yourself in other people’s plights, dramas, needs, problems, or needs.
Feel trapped in relationships.
Afraid of conflict or making mistakes, are very sensitive to criticism & seek perfection.
Stay loyal to your compulsions and people even when it hurts i.e. have a hard time letting go.
You feel frustrated and resentful when others don’t want your help or advice.
You derive a sense of purpose from taking care of others.
Your relationships can have an obsessive quality.
You have difficulty accepting help.
You’re hard-working, overly responsible, and may give to the point of exhaustion or resentment.

The question now becomes, how can you overcome codependency? Here are some ways to do it:

Prioritize self-care and your needs rather than sacrificing them for others.
Stop caring too much about people’s problems and needs. Don’t try to change or fix people and let them make their own choices.
Value yourself instead of seeking approval from others.
Practice self-compassion rather than judging/criticizing oneself.
Say no when you don’t want to do something.
Stop obsessing over what is not in your control.
Ask for help when you need it. You don’t always have to take on the role of a helper/caretaker, sometimes be the one receiving the help.
Set boundaries, be assertive and don’t allow people to take advantage of your kindness.
Detach yourself emotionally from people, situations, experiences, behaviours and problems.
Choose to find happiness in your life regardless of other challenges or unhappy situations you’re facing.

The first step to healing is being aware of your codependent tendencies and accepting that you care to unhealthy levels. You can decide to read more, work on yourself and overcome codependency but in cases when it is severe, you might need the guidance of a therapist. Here again to remind you that going to a therapist doesn’t mean you’re crazy, yet there are some important patterns and behaviours you might need to unlearn and sometimes you need assistance on how to go about it.

Everything is a process. Remember to be kind to yourself as you take this journey, and be patient until you finally acquire peace of mind and personal growth. This will assist you in leading a better, healthier, more fulfilling life together with your loved ones.

To read more on the same, check the references below:

*Book: Codependent No more- By Melody Beattie

* https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/end-codependent-relationships/

*https://mind.help/topic/codependency/coping/

*https://www.counselingrecovery.com/blog-san-jose/signs-of-codependency

What We Actually Mean By Trauma Bonding

ARE YOU SIMPLY CARING OR CODEPENDENT?