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MY OTHER HALF (PART 3)

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To read part 2, click on the following link: https://lubnah.me.ke/my-other-half-part-2/

Assalam aleykum warahmatu llah wabarakatuh 🙂

Had I known there would be a part 3, I would have written it last year in 2019, so that the gap between the letters are equal. The first was in 2015, then 2017, then now :/ The perfectionist me is a bit bothered by that. I also realized that I have the totally wrong title for this letter series. Should have been, ‘to my other 3/4’ because really, whom I’m kidding? I’m just a 1/4 human, so you gotta be 3/4 to complete me. You gotta be the bigger person. Huh, pun intended! 😀

Okay, wait. Let’s rewind a bit. CAN YOU BELIEVE WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC? It is crazy right?! I hope you are sane though? Hopefully coping okay with all that is happening? I am okay. Alhamdulilah 🙂 I was very alarmed at first. It was too overwhelming seeing everyone panicking and the too much misinformation wasn’t making it any easy. I am better now alhamdulilah. It is the empathetic side of me that is struggling more. There are a lot of emotions being laid out and I absorb everything like a sponge. This in turn makes me anxious sometimes. Anxious because now, people are too anxious. I’m used to being the most anxious person in the room 😀 But this too shall pass, aye?! I am just trying to avoid social media at the moment and too much news. Really hoping things only get better from here. Ameen.

I really hope you’re doing well though; catching dreams, flights and sunsets. I have grown since the last time I wrote to you; emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Physically? Not so much 😀 2020 especially started way too rough, but wasn’t it for everyone? Nonetheless, I’m still me. The same cry baby who wrote the first letter in 2015. I still watch murder documentaries and horror/thriller movies then ask one of my younger sisters to sleep with me because I’m too afraid. I still pace up and down for several minutes before taking a pill because pills give me anxiety of sorts. Sometimes I opt to take 4 tablespoons of baby liquid paracetamol than take the actual pills. I still go to my mum to comb my hair. I still cry when my friends forget about me or when someone raises their voice on me. I still cry in weddings, sometimes more than in funerals. Not the two tears of joy. I cry. Literally, sometimes until I get a flu. I am very weird. Very paradoxical. I am the most dumb & naive, smart person I know. I am also the strongest, most fragile person. Can you imagine I turned 26 today? I am literally a baby. Everyone knows that tears are my forte. My best friend Husna has said she’ll ensure that in my nikah contract I write ‘Don’t be mean to me’ and I want to add, ‘or else I’ll cry’ because really, that should scare you. It’s like dealing with a literal big baby. My other best friend Amina is betting that I’ll have no make up on my wedding not because I wouldn’t have applied but because I’d have cried way too much, people would think it is a forced marriage. You get the picture? 😀

But waiiiit!! About me being a literal baby, FLASH NEWS: I did not cry watching ‘Miracle in cell no 7’ (Watch it if you haven’t!) Can you believe that?!!! I’ve been telling it to everyone and anyone who bothers to listen. Saying it like it is a badge of bravery 😀 Someone said if you watched the ‘Miracle…’ movie and you didn’t cry then you’re an assassin. Well hallo, you’re looking at one 😀 I also didn’t cry when I read ‘The Kite Runner’ or even ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’. Quite the achievement I tell you. Howeveeerrr, few days after reading these, I had huge breakdowns over the smallest, most stupid reasons. I came to realize, sometimes, that I tend to postpone my crying till further notice; when I get a more sillier reason to cry. Like hit my toe on a door and cry for an hour about it. See? Paradoxical. I also realized my crying is like an art. I’m still trying to figure out my patterns 😀

I’m still terrified of the idea of divorce which in turn makes me terrified of marriage in the first place. The marriages crumbling around us are barely any consolation. For a very anxious person like me, uncertainty is our poison. Yet nonetheless, it makes me dig deeper into myself and be more keen on my choices in this life. Not just about marriage but everything else. I know some people think I am waiting for a fairy tale but trust me, I am very very aware of how reality is. And fairy tale is so far from it. Mwanzo the way I was too invested in Umm Abdullah and Hasanat’s seemingly perfect marriage, and what it turned out to be, mahn! I was too heart-broken I swear and even more sad for their reality *Insert too many tears*. Anyway, I guess such is life.

I have this colleague of mine who when he first read my first letter in 2015, was so excited because he had written something similar on his blog. He then narrated how his wife reacted when they got married and read the letters. She ransacked his entire blog, reading everrrything and asking about every girl that was mentioned on it 😀 They were a seemingly sweet couple. Five years down the line (after the conversation that is), they’re divorced. My heart sank when I heard about it. They’re both good people, but life happens. You can never know what will come your way tomorrow, a week from now or ten years later. It terrifies me how life is so temporary, unpredictable. You can NEVER claim that you have it figured out. Everyone is just stumbling through life and dealing with the snowballs rolling towards them. Throwback to when I was in high school and I’d see people in their mid-twenties, I’d marvel. I always thought ‘they have it figured out.’ The age where one has a job, is newly married and deeply in love, taking on adventures and life is just kicking off. I was so so wrong. I could never be more mistaken in my life. Adulthood is a scam. It is the heftiest slap on the face. Jokes on me 😀 Someone should have prepared me though! ( By the way, my colleague is happily remarried alhamdulilah. May Allah protect his marriage, bless it and make it long-lasting.ameen.)

So anyway, I met this lady, more than 10 years older than me. She is like the splitting image of me but personality wise. Very sensitive, very anxious, very compassionate, a very good writer, tiny like me…we even have similar health issues. Mind-blowing I tell you. It is almost like I met myself in the future. And you know, I see her seemingly happy in her marriage, with her grown children mashallah; they’re so adorable I could cry…Here’s the catch though; she is in a polygamous marriage!! When she told me about it I was like ‘whaaaatttt!! Hooooowww!!’ Cause I can’t imagine myself in one honestly I’d die so please don’t get ideas 😀 What’s even harder, is that she is the first wife! Her response was simply, ‘My husband is a good man’ and my heart melted at how she said it. She did admit it was tough but they made it through. I am still A.M.A.Z.E.D. mashallah mashallah may Allah keep blessing their marriage. Ameen. It gives me hope though; that people like me can be happy after all despite all the noise in the head.

To be honest, I am not where I want to be spiritually. I struggle. A lot. Mostly because of the anxiety. It makes you seek control. You have this desperate need to be the captain of the ship and control the direction of the wind too. Which is impossible. I am still learning and unlearning so many things. I am accepting of how too flawed I am. I am accepting that I still have a lot to work on on myself. I had this classmate in university, whom I really look up to. He was always so laid back. So much so, you’d think he’s entirely unbothered. But he wasn’t. He just never allowed matters to get to his skin. Whether it was the pressure from the lecturers and university projects, whether it was people mocking him, whether it was things not going as planned. A project that I would stress about for an entire month, he would plan himself keenly and do it in one week. No, don’t be mistaken. This wasn’t just someone who was playing around. This was someone who knew exactly how much importance to give any matter because, well, he was always top in class and he was the only other person who got first class honors besides me in our lot.

When I ponder over how I dealt with my university studies versus how he did, it was the extreme opposite. I would get panic attacks or even cry right before an exam sometimes. Yet he would never let anything disturb his peace of mind. Throughout the years in the same class, I never ever heard him complain about his personal life. He would complain about the lecturers or the challenges (just the usual, small stuff) but never about his personal life. I doubt anyone in our class knew much about his life. After graduation, while the rest of us were worried and stressing over getting jobs, you know what he was up to? Walking around his neighbourhood, taking brilliant images and editing them. When anyone would ask him how he could afford to be so relaxed, he would say, ‘I already sent my CVs. Now I can only wait.’ He did eventually get a job, a good one mashallah and it was as if he always knew he’d get it.

During this quarantine period, my mate is busy making happy and silly videos, recreating images and making memes despite being far from his family. As an avid complainer and a highly sensitive person, I learnt a lot about choosing my battles just from observing him. I know for sure he too has problems of his own, but he always had that utmost belief and optimism in life. I always yearned for that kind of peace (May Allah keep blessing him and grant him tranquility always. ameen). I still yearn for that kind of peace. I think if I master the art of ‘choosing battles’ then i’ll be way ahead in life. That is the goal.

I’m learning a lot just by observing people to be honest. That kind of education no one will ever teach you. There’s always something to learn from every single human being, even if not a positive thing, you learn about a negative thing to avoid doing. So yes, I’m still feeding on human stories. They shape me greatly and have been a huge part of my growth. I’m also still studying alhamdulilah (yes, neeerddd! 😀 )

Imagine Ramadhan is just a few days away. I’m deeply sad about the world right now. It will be a very strange Ramadhan while people in lock-down. Imagine watching taraweh in empty Makkah and Madina 🙁 I hope this pandemic ends soon wallahy. So many people are affected. So many people are struggling. So I’m praying that by eid all this will be over, at least people can have some part of ramadhan back in the masjid, may He help us all and protect us. Ameen. Try to make the best out of this Ramadhan as I strive to do as well biidhnillah. Also, you should try watch ‘Qalby Etmaan’ on youtube this Ramadhan cause Ghayth is absolutely my hero when it comes to charity and he inspires me too much *I am still crying*. Perhaps he’d inspire you too!

Do include me in your prayers please, 26 looks scary to be honest. But turning one year older, I am also very very grateful. For my amazing parents, for my dear family, for my very lovely friends, for the blessings from Allah. I never take these things for granted. And the more I grow up, the more I appreciate their presence and all the love. Alhamdulilah ala kul hal. Hoping you join the team soon enough 😉 Ameen. About that, by the way, you are wasting such an opportune moment because with this quarantine, it is the best time to do a nikah. We’d just have gone to the kadhi and skipped all that chaos of the normal weddings 😀 But oh well, everything happens at its time I guess.

Just a disclaimer as we wind up, I sought the permission of the above people mentioned before writing about them, so don’t you assume I’m a snitch 😀

I am hoping there won’t be a part 4 because I am getting too old and hopefully you’d be around before I ever have to. If I’m writing another letter then it should be to my husband 😀 In shaa Allah. Stay safe wherever you are.

Till we meet in shaa Allah 🙂

P.S I now realize this was too long. It’s been three years anyway, we’re compensating 😀

Sending you Love and Light,

Lubnah with an ‘H’.

***

Thank you for reading 🙂 Kindly subscribe and stay tuned for the Ramadhan special edition in shaa Allah. I am also starting a Ramadhan fundraising in shaa Allah to support a family of 5 , who are deeply affected by the corona virus. The father is in the transport business which is now in pause till after corona. Ramadhan is coming, and they have bills to pay with no other way to earn their livelihood. Kindly do support me in this project as well by sending to my mpesa: 0704 731 560 (Lubnah Said). I love you all for the sake of Allah. Please take care wherever you are!

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MY OTHER HALF (Part 2)

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Read part 1 at: http://lubnah.me.ke/my-other-half/

Photo Courtesy: Salem_Beliegraphy

It’s been exactly…wait, lemme count…from February 10th, 2015 to date; 11th of May 2017, how many days are those? 1,2,3…Ah too bad I am terrible with math. Anyway, it’s been all those many days since I first wrote to you. Ages right? I knowww! I almost forgot you ‘somehow exist’. Lol, i’m kidding. *silly grin* I’ve mostly been pursuing my dreams; both the daydreams and the literal ones 😀 But I’ve been planning to get back to you..and *drums rolling* here I am!

There’s just been something in my mind lately and I thought of talking it to you. By the way, talking to you almost seems like monologue or like me talking to the wall or some ghost in the room because your existence at the moment is delusional but we can always talk about that when you become a reality right? in shaa Allah 😉

So back to our topic, oh wait, speech alert: This is going to be a long monologue :p

A friend of mine posted this a few days ago:
{“The thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way to go is up.” I’m having a slight problem with this statement. Okay yeah sure maybe, but what if rock bottom is as wide as the Sahara and before you go up you’re gonna spend a heck of a long time moving sideways? Some people hit rock bottom, and stay rock bottom, and move sideways for the rest of their lives. How miserable.} Those are the ramblings of an insomniac and well what do you expect from an insomniac than a critical out-of-the-world thinking?! But then ever since I came across this, I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

For a matter of fact, I do know several people who hit rock bottom, stayed there for as long as the memory lane can go down and died just right there; at the bottom. Now for a perfectionist and an empath with anxiety, hitting the rock bottom is beyond normal. It is a norm. And as much as it scares me that I might stay down there forever, it scares me more that I might never live up to the expectations of coming right back up.

You know, there are just some days you can’t really be the hero or someone anymore and you just need to survive. And survival is what all of us are working for. But also, survival has always been for the fittest, and sometimes, being in the least bit fit let alone being the fittest is totally out of the dictionary. There are days you wake up you can barely breathe, your heart is heavy, all aspects of failure are rubbing on your face but mostly, its like sand paper being scrubbed on your fragile beaten-up heart. They say the scrub only makes you shine brighter but in the meanwhile, it hurts, and it will hurt a lot more.

What I got to learn is that you can never really be prepared enough to face anything or armed enough for a war. They’ll always be a lesson to be learnt in between the cracks of your heart. You can protect yourself all you can but the day you let down your guard for one single second is the day world war 3 happens; when all hell breaks loose and when you have to fight for your own survival. This kind of reminds me the story of Nabii Musa and Firaun. See how God downplays the best twists?! Firaun demands all male children to be killed after being foretold that a boy will be born and takeover his kingdom. But when his wife Asiya (R.A.A) picks Nabii Musa (A.S) from the river, she is able to convince Firaun that the boy could be beneficial and a son to them. Yet he turns out to be the one to takeover the kingdom. He protected himself from every boy he considered a threat, yet he welcomed the threat with his own two hands. Yes…fate. You can do all you want in this world; you can build walls around yourself, you can be vigilant and firm, you can be superman for all you wish, yet if you are meant to hit the rock bottom, you’ll just go right down there; for as many times as it’s written for you. But the thing is, everyone hits rock bottom, and the real test is how everyone finds their own way to get back up or stay below forever. People will put the blame on you for taking up the wrong choices, for making mistakes, for not working hard enough…yet they forget, it only happens for a reason.


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I’m still finding my way up and i’ll tell you this, it’s tough and really rough. Plus being a millennial only makes it harder. Sometimes I feel I was born in the wrong Century for not relating to my peers. They say i’m an old soul. And when you are an introvert you just have no option but to turn to books and tv, to get out of your world. Some friends the other day were joking that people like us, ‘the outcasts’ should start a group and call it ‘chama cha wanyonge’ 😀 😀 Idiots! or I know someone else who would call it ‘chama cha washokaji’ Not wachokaji, WASHOKAJI. Hilarious how the world views us; the introverts, the artists, the weird, the empaths…right? But maybe i’ll one day really start the group, but of course with a fancy name dah! Or maybe it could be a movement, and we could help people move from rock bottom 😀 Or maybe that’s where i’ll meet you who knows 😛

I’m not sure if you really do exist or maybe you don’t. They say soulmates don’t always occur in this life, maybe in the next…but if you don’t, I have a plan B of going to live up the cave. I would say I will be with my 60 cats like its always the assumption with people but pets scare me (The introverts will disown me for this). So maybe I will be with my scarier dolls like Chucky from Child’s play or Annabelle from The Conjuring filling up the entire house. Plus I got this brilliant idea from a meme of writing it on the wall outside: COME SEE MY DOLLS..and that’s how the horror movie begins *silly grin*

Well, I said what I needed to say. Thank you for being a wonderful listener. Plus please do remember to pray for me; to rise like the phoenix from the ashes. Ameen? I really don’t want to stay rock bottom, who wants anyway?!

P.S. You are the hope i’m waiting for 🙂

Until God decides our fate, take care.


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DEAR FUTURE HUBBY

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By: Anonymous

Photo Courtesy: pinterest.com

Dear future hubby,

Assalam aleykum, how are you doing? Ok to clear the air, this letter is not meant to make you show up earlier, you can take your time. Besides, we have heard enough weddings recently already. People need a break, let weddings be out of fashion then we can bring it back to fashion with our wedding 😉

I am not going to narrate to you how our married life is going to be or how I would like it to be. The truth is that, there is no really knowing what to expect when it comes to marriage and I know nothing about marriage coz obviously I have never been married before. I am not sure about you; with the number of proposals I have been getting for second wife position, I have reasons to think you might know something about marriage. Anyway I will tell you something about being single. Being single is fun, freeing, finding yourself, less responsibility and much less consequences and duties; but it gets lonely sometimes and you find yourself writing letters to some virtual unknown individual.

After reading loads of wattpad muslim romantic story; I have thought of you in differect perfect ways. But then I just realized, perfect and imperfect don’t suit each other, don’t look good together and also I really want to get married to a human not a robot. (Though robots aint perfect either, they are ugly and have robot hands). And now I think of you as you. I have been trying this technic of seeing you in me. I try picturing you with my imperfections, which you may or may not posses and I have concluded if I can live with me, then I can definitely live with you. I can live with a pool of water all over then sink and dirty laundry carpeting my bedroom, I think. Coz I have seen many happy marriages and what they will tell you is you learn to accept the others faults that can’t be changed.

So it will be a learning process. I will learn to love you, to accept you and to care for you in the best way possible. And I can only pray that you will do the same for me. The phrase being used too often is, marriage is not a walk in the park. As I can totally understand that living with another human being from a different back ground can be challenging, I like to believe that marriage is not like climbing Mt. Everest in slippers. In our single lives we have challenges that we deal with every day, some which may be harder than living with a stranger; that is life. We are constantly being tested and facing challenges; thus I don’t expect my marriage to be any different. There will be tests in different forms and shapes, I hope every difficult will bring us much closer as oppose to drawing us apart. I pray that the challenges, just as they make you stronger in life, will make our marriage bond stronger.

I always joke about getting married to a tall guy. And the other day the optician told me I should consider someone who does not use glasses if I don’t want to end up with blind kids. Now the latter one is of concern. My point being, physical attraction is important in marital relationship but there are far much important things to look at. So I hope you are a struggling muslim like I. Someone struggling to know Allah and constantly finding ways to get closer and closer to Him. To earn His love, His pleasure, His Jannah in shaa Allah. That is what will make me be attracted to you the most before your height. Height is just a bonus.

Well I don’t remember again why I was writing to you, may be just to let you know that someone is constantly praying for you to show up so that she can have a best friend of her own, someone to share her dreams, hopes, fears and laughter with. Whether near or far, may you reach me at the right time, through the right channels in shaa Allah. I will be writing you more letters when I get to know who you are, I just love being old school.

Signed with love,

Your future wife.

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DEAR WIFE

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Photo Courtesy: http://feelgrafix.com/

By: Ahmed Shayo

Dear wife,,

How are u doing? It has been quite a while since i felt the familiar pleasure of watching the sun dance in the brown of your eyes. As you can tell, I miss u dearly, so much that I spend my days hear at work loosing myself in the gravity of thoughts that always lead me to you. I pray you are doing fine & well.

I must confess, it is rather unorthodox for me to write a letter, not because there exists a new technology that’s easier & simpler & faster to use than the internet, but because the last time i did this in primary school it turned out to be quite an embarrassing experience for me ?. Then again, since u got out of your way to write down one for me, i’d say I’m obligated return the favor, tat for the tit right? *wink* [no pun intended] ?

So where do I begin? Ironical how you think about someone for so long but when it comes down to putting words to the thought it all goes away. Then again, its always been the effect that you had on me. It should come as no surprise that my love for you seems to supercede the extent of what I can comprehend. Like color, its indescribable how a simple pigment pulls the attention of the eye to the detail it describes,, like the pink on your lips… Or the brown on your skin.. Or the light in your smile. It just is. And i cherish that, not coz i wanna sound like a love lorn Romeo in this letter,, but because they are the 1st things that made me attracted to you. [ps: i still do] ?

As a husband, i find it difficult to adjust to this life of commitment & mutual understanding. Before you came into my life, I ate irregularly, slept in a 1 bed-roomed apartment & rarely stayed home. Being a bachelor back then [a very eligible one i might add] has been a lifestyle i easily & naturally adopted to. Now I’m married with kids & am thinking, damn! I grew up too fast. But I have different priorities now. I have someone I can sacrifice my pleasures for. I have someone that waits for me to get home & when I do, she’s always complaining that i should avoid getting in the house past 10 pm. But hey, a man’s gotta do what he must, and since u decided to steal my heart I gotta work out how am gonna take care of u [i am not complaining by the way so you can relax]. So i’ll do what I can, keep u warm.. Satisfy u to the limits of my abilities [except during soccer matches, hapo itabidi umezee roho safi hadi game iishe ?]

You know, now that I think about it, I am actually proud that I got quite the exquisite taste in choosing a wife. Then again, my dad did have the same taste too so i figure it runs in the family. You are beautiful, so much that I wanna show u out to the world for a brief moment then hide u kabla mafisi wachangamke. That said, I expect u to maintain your dignity, not as a wife.. but as my wife. Ur the epitome of my pride, and if I loose that then I loose my worth. So take care of yourself in as much the same way that u’d take care of me. And i don’t need another wife and have to juggle in between sleeping in separate houses and satisfying both of y’all at the same time. Juzi tayari u almost bit my head off coz nilisahau kukuchukulia slippers kwa fundi ???

So anyway, I don’t really have a lot of standards. & thus letter wasn’t written just so I tell you how to be a wife and behave like one. You are matured. Am sure you have it all under control. This letter was simply to send out a declaration – everything i do, will do, and will never get tired of is keeping u happy. That’s all that matters to me, because as a husband, i believe that should be my top priority. The things we do for love right? You are lucky you married a luhya, cheki vili unatunzwa hapa ?

Am signing out now. These bills won’t go away even if I kiss them like I kiss you *wink*. I love you gorgeous. Take care.

Yours eternally,
Ahmed

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DEAR HUSBAND

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Photo Courtesy: www.ayeina.com

Dear Husband

Please notice that I refrained from using the term future because let’s face it, you were my husband ever since our fate was sealed by The Sealer of all Fates. Cool? Okay.

So lately there has been a brawl about future husbands and wives and space and marriage life; I tell you the cycle is vicious. I thought about it and decided, let me give him a heads up on the load of weird and a spicy amount of old-fashion he is about to spend his entire life with.

First things first, or last. Who cares? Spontaneous and flexibility is paramount…as one of my friends keeps it. I am not sure if this is true but my mother always has us like “the way to a man’s heart is his stomach.” Either Biology went wrong here or mother nature is a freak. Again, who cares? I am not as good a cook as your mother or mine is simply because my mother’s recipes do not have exact measurements of the ingredients. She puts everything together and it comes out a nice aromatic pile of edible stuff. Don’t get me wrong. I have done a fair amount of cooking (my ungrateful brothers once said my cabbage stew tasted like weeds). I usually like to think that they were being realest…you know criticising me on my face and praising me behind my back. Either way what I cook has never caused them any food poisoning. So yeeeey!! You know the statement “Cooking isn’t obligatory for the wife. It’s a favor”. I just want to let you know that I am so honored to do you that favor and I promise that in between our careers and job schedules we’ll have at least 2 home-made-by-me meals. I might need help sometimes, please make it easier for me and be considerate when need be.

Guys’ Time?? You have it. I have learnt from my brothers that watching football by yourself doesn’t give you the thrill. Yeah, go watch it with your buddies but I will totally need a payback (before or after…just to make me feel ‘not less important. Heads up…that large container of ice-cream or a weekend get away or even a little help with something in the house would soften me up 😉 ). Since we’re on this subject, please do not feel bad or abandoned when I say I am going to spend time with luby or the girls or even mum. I think that is a fair tat for the tit. In short do not make me feel guilty or have to choose between them and what you love to do with your buddies.

Emotions Sheet?? They say marriage is not a bed of roses. We’re probably going to have rough days and nights. Argue about stuff that may seem silly to either one of us. One or two things I would like from you.
1) we will not do it in front of the kids.
2) we will not take for granted the other’s side/perspective and or thoughts.
3) we will be clear and precise on what is needed to be discussed
4) we will not go to bed angry at the other. (Just in case it’s a huge mess up..dude, I am so taking the bed)
I am going to be honest with you here. I usually have my temper and emotions in check. Learnt it from my old man and brothers. I will be the water when you’re the fire but please do not make me so angry that I end up comparing you to them or wishing I still lived with them.

I am very choosy when it comes to talking about my feelings; especially when I am having a meltdown. I have been known to be bricky. I go silent or rather low-key for a while, it is not your fault, that is usually how I recharge my system. My best friend usually has a hard time getting me to talk about such stuff. My mother, my big brother and her, are among or rather the fewest who know what my mind thinks of or wanders to. Just in case I will lose any of them in the process, please be there to fill in their shoes, or most importantly, take over their place when I am living with you. I have, on several occasions been told that I am good listener and a mood lightner. So if you’re having a stressful day with your workmates, I promise I will be there to talk about it. Or if it’s stuff from work that had to be finished at home, I will help you with that, even if it just means sitting quietly across the table or floor as you work. All in all I wanna be that person whom you can’t wait to tell what happened when we were not together.

Family?? This is one thing I am most afraid of. You know how girls feel threatened by mothers and sisters in law? I have a history of really not caring what people say about me. My mother for example has tried to change me to wearing and acting like a girly girl because I am not like the others or that is not what is expected of me. I like to do things my way. My comfortable way. I am not going to disregard whatever they are going to advise me. But please let it be just that. Advice. Which I am entirely free to choose to follow or not. I am going to defend your honor in front of my family, please do so in yours. I know it might seem like I am asking you to pick my side, but it is not. I am simply asking you to put yourself in my shoes when it comes to such situations and act wisely. I will accept faults when due. I will not accept you siding with your mother or sisters just because “they know you better”. While I am not known to be violent, I am known to be cold and calculating when it comes to proving a point. P.S Your mother and sisters can come over anytime they want. They just shouldn’t interfere with how am raising you and the kids.

Social life?? I do not like people. That is one thing you should know. But when forced to interact, I charm people at it. I am not a fan of huge crowds, so on most occasions where I have the liberty to choose between going to events and staying at home. Home is the definite answer. I like staying at home and having an alone time, but I promise if it’s a work event, or your friend’s or work mate’s wedding, I will definitely be your plus one. I like to think myself as adventurous. Please have a hint of that. I am talking road trips (even if it means going to your mother’s place.), long lazy walks, sight seeing, trying out new risky stuff like bungee jumping (I will never do this…but I suppose I should trust you enough with my life to do this with you because am not even kidding you when I tell you I would NOT do it with my brothers. This is because I learnt my lesson when I let one of them put me in his bicycle’s ‘basket’ and we ended up rolling down some hilly/unleveled grounds.) Though me and Lubnah have stuff in our bucket list, if it’s not accomplished then or she gets a very strict husband who wouldn’t let her or do it with her, please make this bucket full by supporting me/us (you get the point here.)

And now to the most delicate most unappreciated and most sensitive subject. Co-wifing??
This is settled, though my sisters and married friends say it’s hard and that they cannot handle it. I would like to say otherwise. I don’t see it big of a deal that I have a lady whom I share a husband with. Let’s be realistic here and try not to use hearts to think. See, the ratio of men to women is a little unbalanced and kind of favors us more.Fortunately or unfortunately. So I think I would rather you married her so she gets a better life than either letting her suffer or you commit zinaa. I know it’s going to sound ridiculous to the girls, but yeah..that’s just it. Buuuuuut….just because I said this doesn’t mean you do it out of sheer spite or the fun of it. Do it if you feel you must and when you know you can be just with both of us. I mean I will obviously be jealous of her or you and her but I promise I will not be malicious. If I am going to be a co-wife I wanna be the kind where she is comfortable enough to leave her kids with me and know that they’re in good hands. Before we wrap it up, just in case it wasn’t clear, I wanna be the first wife, not for superiority reasons, but just in case she’s not as cool with it as I am. I do not want to be hated for ‘stealing someone’s spot in their husband’s life’.

I think we’re great for now. Just in case you need clarification or I was vague about it. I am not going to be a housewife. I did not just spend at least 22 years of my life getting up and going to school and trying my best just so you let me waste away. That is not fair. To me, my parents and siblings, who’ve always had my back when they weren’t holding my hand. I don’t wanna be that brick in your wall of life. I wanna be the cement that’s holding it together as you build our empire. Do not make me choose you over this. Because trust me, I will not hesitate choosing the latter and I will have nothing to lose in thee process.

On a completely different yet relatable subject. I love reading can we please have a space where I can consider it my personal library?? Also if J.K. Rowling or John Green releases new books. Please get me a copy? Yeah thank you. And I love you for this

Thank you in advance. Feel free to be awed, intrigued, threatened or all at once. See you in a while.

With love,
Your wife who has her priorities and visions set straight.

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Creative Fiction

DEAR PAIN

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Photo Courtesy: www.ayeina.com

Dear Pain,

From the moment I was born and as I grew up, I found myself already betrothed to you. It’s strange isn’t it? How does someone get betrothed at such an age? I mean, what if I turned out to be a vampire just when I turned thirteen? Weird. But it’s more of the culture issue I guess. As far as my memories go by into the past, I remember how you were so obsessed with me. You always fancied that both our names start with ‘P’ and you would always chorus it lovingly ‘Pain and Paranoia’. You were so loving yet so bitter. You were carrying all the world’s misery on your shoulders yet you still afforded to spend time with me. You would walk hand in hand with me and you would introduce me to all your friends. I still remember your best friends; Ego, Selfish and Evil. I remember how you would praise me in front of them as if I were the only girl in this world. You wanted the whole world to know how much you loved me and that you would never depart me. I remember all those days you would take me out with your so called best friends and we would have ‘fun’. That’s what you used to tell me; ‘let’s go have fun’ yet all I remember was hearing the four of you mock people and laugh so loudly. It used to puzzle me a lot. Well, you were quite older than me so I thought maybe I didn’t really understand what this ‘fun’ really meant. For the foolish girl I was, I’d stand next to you; your hand still firmly holding mine, just staring at you and your friends.

I still remember Ego; he was TALL. Really tall that I really had to strain my neck to see his face. But he was still elegant. He was quite handsome and I used to wonder why I wasn’t betrothed to him instead. He always had his hands in his pockets and talk with a firm voice. He walked with a bounce and his head was always held high. Is that what they call confidence? I used to admire him but that was then, I was barely fifteen. At that age you barely know how to differentiate between a cheetah and a tiger. I was so naive…but now…now I know everything in this life.

Selfish was hilariously short and it really used to make me laugh at how the four of you could be best friends. I mean, your physiques were so opposite. It is the first thing anyone would notice upon seeing you together. Anyway back to selfish. Selfish was so over confident. I have never seen anyone think so high of themselves. He always wanted to get the biggest share of everything for he thought he deserves it.To me, he looked a bully. I used to see him snatch food from the beggar’s mouth. Have you ever seen anyone so cruel like that? But selfish thought he deserves it. Sometimes I used to see him look at me maliciously and it used to freak me out. He probably also thought that he should have me instead of you. Well, you never noticed all that because you were always busy praising to the world about me without looking at their reactions. Maybe you trusted them so much??

Evil…evil was ugly. Damn ugly and ironically, he used to boast about himself like there is no one on this earth like him. Everything about him was ugly; his croaky laughter and even his dark enigmatic smile. He was rough and tough. He was all the three of you combined; he was torment, torture, unpleasant and wicked all together. He always considered himself the ring leader of your group.

I still remember the night your friends raped me. Oh…how can I forget the misery that came after. How can I forget the sadness and despair? You know what pain, you always used to make me wonder which side are you really? When your best friends raped me, you were mad. So mad that it worried me you would explode. Yet you decided to cover it up for them by marrying me. You thought that would make me forget. You thought you could make me happy once again.

Years went by and I gave birth to our first child; insomnia. Oh my son…he wouldn’t let me sleep. He made me turn and roll on the bed restlessly. I cried and cried until the wee hours of the night. I cried until I had no more tears. I cried until my pillow was too wet. I cried for you; because of you, for the past, present and future. I cried that you were the only person who loved me so dearly in this life. The only person who wouldn’t leave me alone. I treated myself with lots of chocolates and bowls of ice cream. As people say, treating oneself like that is good for the stressed soul…yet this technique didn’t work for me. My boy troubled me…but where were you Pain? You were just there with me; like a shadow. Always there yet never giving me the happiness I needed.

Insomnia grew and soon we had our second child. It was a girl this time. I was so happy. I wanted to make her my best friend, teach her how to cook and how to dress up. I had so many plans for her and for us. I called her ‘eating issues’. She was so fragile and weak. She had no appetite even to live. Her eyes looked tired and she was weightless like cotton. Eating issues worried me a lot. I worried that she was going to die soon yet she still lives; still as fragile. Still as weak.

Having too troublesome kids is not easy especially when you have an obsessive husband like you Pain. Anyway, God has now blessed me with another bump. A third one is coming. I think it’s a ‘she’. Don’t ask me how I know this. I am a mother, I can feel it. I have been thinking of aborting her for quite a while now but i’m a mother after all, I don’t think I can be that cruel. I think I will name her ‘pending issues’ for she will be born whilst her mother is still worrying about how much the past will affect her future. I hope ‘pending issues’ won’t trouble me. I hope she can be my hope.

Insomnia and Eating issues have grown to be teenagers now yet each one of them is still worrying their mother in a different way. Insomnia wouldn’t let me rest and stop crying. Eating issues wouldn’t let me have a peace of mind or a healthy life. ‘Pending issues’ is soon coming by…

My dear husband; Pain, I have never really enjoyed the idea of having a man so obsessed with me. I’ve had enough of you. I want to be free once again. I want to breath fresh air once again. I want to fly and be happy. I just don’t want to live with you anymore…

I am sorry Pain…I really need a divorce from you. Please grant me that as soon as possible. I already kept the divorce papers under my pillow. My very wet pillow. I hope the papers are still safe. Please do sign them soon. If you truly love me then do it for my sake. Please. Allow me to be the free woman I’ve always wanted to be. Don’t worry about our children. I promise to take good care of them. I was also planning to change their names soon. I was thinking of calling our son, Brave instead of Insomnia. As for our daughter Eating issue, let’s call her ‘Love’ and when our last baby finally comes by, I will call her ‘Hope’. I am sure you like the names right? I know you can trust me to take care of them and raise them with good manners and health. Please do take care of yourself as well and I hope we can meet years from now where your name would then be something like ‘Delight’ or probably ‘Euphoria?’. No, ‘Jubilant’ is even better! My name then would be ‘Joy’ and you will be able to chorus our new names once again, ‘Jubilant and Joy’. I promise we will be happy then.

Before I end this heart-breaking letter, I want to really thank you for being there with me throughout; for the lessons learnt and for the undying love.

Your so-long-loving wife,
Your soon-divorcee,

Paranoia.

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Creative Non-Fiction

MY OTHER HALF

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Photo Courtesy: Salem_Beliegraphy

Dear Future Husband,

Where are you man? These people are suffocating me right here ooof!

Oops! :p Assalam aleykum by the way 🙂

I hope you are doing well like I am right? Imagine I am having a CAT on sound engineering tomorrow in shaa Allah and this is what I am doing. This is what happens when the head gets saturated to its highest level. We call it uchokaji I wonder wherever you are what you call it?

I’m currently at my final year of university and life here couldn’t get crappier. But high school was heaven…but University? Just surviving. You know, this is what happens when your wife is out of everyone’s league and it gets to everyone’s nerves why i am so…oh well don’t you worry I am going to narrate all these tales of your legendary wife when right time comes by :p So what are you doing right now? I hope its something constructive and not in a dark corner with silly friends wasting time.

You can be rest assured on my loyalty to you. I am so damn loyal to you that some people be envying you 😀 I hope you are as loyal…or else…heh! The consequences of that won’t be easy; trust me. Hey by the way, I hope you not into drugs or discos or any of such crap. I don’t tolerate small minds.

Well jokes aside now, I have been waiting like in forever for that one person who would accept me for who I am and understand my stubbornness and paranoia nature. I have been waiting for that one person who would teach me  how to never get afraid, how to trust, how to let go and how to love. I have been waiting for that one person who would sincerely love me and care for and not just treat me with sympathy like everyone does. I have been waiting for that one person who will lead me in prayers, who would recite to me the qur’an until my heart melts(fingers crossed, I hope you have that kind of voice) :p I have been waiting for that one person who would bring me closer to Allah, who would want us to be together till jannah in shaa Allah. And I hope that one person is the you I’ve been waiting for.

I am just a very simple kind of girl with big dreams; not of fame, not of wealth but of a family full of love. I want us to be diplomatic parents; parents who will be so friendly with their kids yet have strict limits to everything. I want us to spend time together as a family. I don’t need a husband who will overwork himself such that the kids end up being strangers to you and vice versa. I want us to teach them morals and how to be upright. I want a husband who will be a dad to my kids and not just a father. I want us to train them how to be better than us; how to not re-live the same mistakes we did when we were young.

I have no big demands nor big wants; I just need a comfortable life, a simple life. I need you to be there after we get married, when I get the news that I’m expectant, when we finally have our first kid with us. I want you with me both during the happy and sad times. Don’t buy me a big house and let me wander in it in circles due to loneliness. Don’t let me live with my in laws always while you are rarely around. I don’t want to marry a big house nor to marry your family. We may as well live in an average house but still see you every morning so I make you coffee and every night so I can make you your favourite food for dinner.

I hope that is when the adventurous you will appear because i’m planning to make my life so hilariously exciting. I may be a frightened freak but i love the thrill of adventures like sky diving, mountain climbing…you know, that sorta thing. And fingers crossed again, do you play football? Or at least basketball? I’d love to be taught how to play that by you. I need not just a husband by name but a partner, a better half, a best friend…the love of my life.

The only way to win my heart is through my parents. My mum is so jovial…very easy to impress but my dad? You gotta earn his trust and love and when you are able to win his heart then you have definitely won mine. My family is the most important thing to me after Allah. Never forget that.

I am a lady with very high principles and very focused at that. If you are intelligent then you will understand me immediately, if not, maybe it will take you some time to do so. (I’m praying you are intelligent) :p I like people who are calm in dealing with problems, people who can control their frustrations and talk it out calmly like adults. I hope we will be able to face our challenges, hand in hand, in that same calm way. I want us to face these challenges and not run away from them. I really don’t like the idea of a man running away from his responsibilities,  from facing and correcting his mistakes. Remember, accepting your mistakes is half way correcting the mistakes.

Well I am not perfect and I am not expecting you to be so either but I am hoping we will be able to complete each other because that is what love and marriage is. Maybe I am dreaming too much but here, they call me dreamer…but I hope you can prove them wrong and turn this into a reality.

I promise you that I have never been so attached to any unknown person like you and even as you remain like a shadow, I still pray for you wherever you are. I still pray that you remain loyal to the unknown me like I am loyal to the unknown you. We still have a lot to talk about. Catch you later. ..till then, may you stay safe till the day your shadow comes to light and I finally know who you are. May God bless you abundantly.

Amin!

Lots of love,

Your other half 😉

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