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Have you ever witnessed abuse taking place and you feel the urge to shout at the victim, “WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE?!” because for you, it is as simple as just that? You feel, if only they knew their worth, if they were strong enough, if they weren’t too naive, they’d have left already. Right?
Well, it isn’t as simple as that. There’s a lot of complexity and psychologically distressing processes involved. Sometimes, a trauma bond is formed.
When we talk of trauma bond what do we actually mean? And how does it relate to abuse?
First of all, let’s get the myths out of the way. Trauma bonding does NOT mean bonding/ feeling connected to someone cause they understand your trauma or they’ve undergone similar traumatic experiences. You’ll find the word trauma bonding being misused in a lot social media platforms to mean the above. For example, you’d find friends describing their relationship as a trauma bond because they formed a close relationship over similar traumatic experiences they experienced (whether individually or together). However, trauma bonding actually means an intense emotional attachment between the abuser and the victim characterised with repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation and positive reinforcement.
Ivy Kwong LMFT, a therapist who specializes in healing trauma explains, “A trauma bond develops in relationships where there is a power imbalance and a cycle of reward and punishment. The abuser is in a position of power over the person being abused and alternates between hurting and soothing them.”
Trauma bonds are thought to be the result of unhealthy attachments. As humans, we are hard-wired to form attachments to people that we see as defenders, protectors, or caregivers to survive. As such it is believed that trauma bonds often form from our brains looking for survival methods. This is also known as the paradoxical attachment.
Additionally, it is worth noting that not everyone who experiences abuse forms a trauma bond. However, more people may be more prone to such toxic cycles due to their early experiences, which makes them stick around, some to the point of death.
During the phases of abuse, the abuser may apply tactics such as threats of harm, manipulation, control, shaming, gaslighting and sabotage. These are then mixed with intermittent phases of displays of affection, love and kindness, which create a confusing and addictive emotional rollercoaster.
There are many situations in which trauma bonding may take place. We mostly see this toxic cycle in movies and books on domestic violence where a woman or even a man could be physically and severely injured, then the following day, the abuser is on their knees with a huge bouquet of flowers or an extravagant gift, crying and begging saying they don’t know why this happens and promising to change and the woman somehow trusts them and gives them another chance (could even be 157478 chance yet they still give it). Then they go back to the same behaviour two days later. Familiar right? That’s an example of a trauma bond. But domestic violence is not the only scenario that trauma bonding takes place. Other scenarios include:
Incest, sexual abuse, cults, elder abuse, kidnapping (Stockholm syndrome), human trafficking and child abuse.
Trauma bonds can also happen in a dysfunctional family system, workplace, and even in religious groups, but we most commonly associate trauma bonds with toxic romantic relationships.
Signs of a trauma bond:
These include:
- An immediate, intense emotional connection that feels overwhelming, often mistaken for love. Unlike love, this connection forms rapidly, while love typically develops over time.
- A sense that the relationship is damaging, yet the thought of leaving seems impossible.
- Constantly justifying, downplaying, or making excuses for the treatment received, or even keeping the abuse a secret to protect the abuser.
- A feeling that this person is the only one who can offer love or understanding, creating a sense of being stuck despite the pain.
- Being told that better treatment or love would be received if only there were changes, yet the expectations continue to shift every time a change is made.
- A constant effort to gain approval or affection, regardless of the mistreatment, driven by a deep need for acceptance.
- Emotional dependency, with a strong reliance on the other person for emotional stability.
- Believing that affection from the abuser offers healing, when in reality, manipulation is what keeps one trapped.
- A relationship motivated by the fear of abandonment, leading to anxiety and insecurity.
- Frequent preoccupation with the abuser and the relationship, leaving little mental space for anything else.
- Intense highs—moments of affection and love—interspersed with devastating lows marked by pain and manipulation.
- The abuser isolates the victim from family and friends, deepening dependence on the relationship.
- Fear of retaliation when attempting to leave.
- A tendency to fixate on the “good days,” using them as proof that the abuser cares.
- The goalposts continually shift, making it feel like the target of acceptable behavior is never quite within reach, regardless of the efforts made.
- Perceiving anyone who encourages you to leave as an enemy.
- The unpredictability keeps the victim hooked, believing the love is worth the pain. They view their love as a lifeline while it is actually the anchor that drags them down.
Stages of a trauma bond:
Though each trauma bond is unique, they often involve a version of the common patterns listed below.
Here’s a breakdown of each stage:
- Love Bombing: The abuser showers the victim with excessive affection, attention, and praise, making them feel special and loved. This creates an emotional high and makes the victim feel like they’ve found the perfect relationship.
- Gaining Trust: The abuser works on gaining the victim’s trust by appearing caring, reliable, and supportive. The victim becomes more dependent on the abuser, believing that they have someone who truly understands them.
- Criticism: Slowly, the abuser begins to criticize the victim, pointing out their flaws or making them feel unworthy. The victim starts to feel insecure, unsure of themselves, and may try to please the abuser to avoid more criticism.
- Manipulation: The abuser manipulates the victim’s emotions, often playing on their guilt, shame, or fears. The victim may start doubting their own perception of reality, making them more likely to tolerate further mistreatment.
- Resignation: The victim begins to feel powerless and hopeless, believing they can’t escape the cycle of abuse. They may accept the mistreatment, feeling like they don’t deserve better or that things will never improve.
- Distress: The victim experiences emotional pain, confusion, and distress from the ongoing abuse, but they often struggle to break free from the bond. This distress can lead to feelings of isolation, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion.
- Repetition: The cycle repeats itself, with moments of kindness or promises of change from the abuser, which leads the victim to hope things will get better. This cycle of abuse, remorse, and false hope makes it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship.
These stages form a damaging loop that keeps the victim emotionally attached to the abuser, making it very difficult to break free from the toxic relationship.
“The person being abused may feel conflicting feelings like shame, love, self-blame, terror, relief, anxiety, gratitude, and fear towards the perpetrator. They often feel responsible for the feelings of the person who is hurting them and may try to continually please or appease the abuser,” says Kwong. This makes it even more difficult to break the bond.
How can one heal from a trauma bond?
- Acknowledge the truth and validate the pain you’re experiencing
Recognize the pain caused by the trauma bond and accept that the feelings of confusion and hurt are valid. This is the first step toward healing. - Be willing to let go
Let go of false hope and attachment to the abuser. Accept that the relationship is unhealthy and freeing yourself is essential for healing. - Seek help & support from a therapist/trusted family and friends/support groups
Reach out to a therapist or trusted individuals who can offer guidance and understanding. Support groups can help you feel less isolated in your healing journey. - Focus on self-love and healing
Rebuild your self-worth through self-care and daily positive affirmations. Prioritize your emotional health and rediscover joy outside the trauma. - Set boundaries to protect yourself
Establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being, including cutting off contact with the abuser if necessary. In other circumstances, you may need to set a safe exit plan if you fear for your safety when you cut them off. - Take time to grieve what you lost
Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship, including the future and hopes you once had, and give yourself space to process the grief. - Embrace the lessons and growth you’ve achieved through the experience
Recognize the strength and wisdom gained from the experience. View the journey as an opportunity for personal growth and greater self-awareness. - Practice mindfulness and foster self-esteem
Focus on activities that promote emotional well-being, such as mindfulness, prayers, or journaling. These practices help stay present, reduce stress, and nurture self-esteem. - Cultivate a mindset of self-compassion and avoid self-blame
Embrace the understanding that being in a trauma bond is not your fault. Practice shifting from self-criticism to self-kindness. Remind yourself that healing takes time, and the process of recovery is about learning, not punishing oneself. Consistently practicing self-compassion can build emotional resilience and reinforce a positive relationship with oneself.
If you happen to know a trauma bond victim, don’t be quick to judge their inability to step out of the cycle. Remember to extend grace and most importantly, be their support system, help them set up a safe exit plan and be part of their journey of rediscovering themselves post the relationship. Victims often carry a lot of shame with them and how supportive the individuals around them are (or not) will greatly impact their healing journey.
Resources:
- verywellmind.com
- healthline.com
- attachmentproject.com
- psychologytoday.com
- apn.com
- @igototherapy via IG
- @quantafreedomhealing via IG
- @ellelouisemcbride via IG
- Chatgpt
My dear readers,
Writing has transformed into a rare luxury for me, a cherished activity often sidelined by the relentless demands of daily life. It’s something I can only engage in after tackling a mountain of chores, navigating the complexities of finances and taxes, and finding a way to retreat into solitude for days, searching for that elusive moment of inspiration. I can almost hear my own voice echoing, “I used to write, you know… but then life happened…”
There was a time when I was convinced that if I fueled my inner fire with enough passion and determination, I could carve out precious moments for the things I love. Spoiler alert: Wrong! It seems that adulthood should come with a warning label, as writing is certainly not the only thing I’m falling behind on. The responsibilities and complexities of growing up seem to pile up, making it challenging to keep pace with everything I once managed so easily. The only silver lining of this madness is that I know I am not alone.
Things have been changing drastically and without warning. As they say, ‘hii syllabus inaenda mbio’. For example, since when did I start taking evening tea? Who am I?! Or why is it taking me 3 to 5 business days to watch one true-crime documentary or just a feel-good movie, something I used to do in one night? Or why are kids expecting eidiya (eid gift tokens) from me? Or why am I now listening to full speeches during school events? Mind you, school events of my nieces and nephews who have ME as their NEXT OF KIN. Crazy, right? Ain’t I ‘children’?
Remember my obsession with kids, how I thought my sole purpose on Earth was to nurture tiny humans? Flash forward to now, and I’m much more of a “Why are they so energetic?” kind of gal. Don’t get it twisted; I still dream of being a mother someday, in shaa Allah, but can I survive the chaos? So many questions swirling around in my brain.
My outings with friends have become increasingly rare, and what once resembled a social life has faded away. When we do manage to escape our daily routines, our conversations now revolve around recipes, the challenging economy, and complaints about conflicts with the “senior citizens” at work. We often express our disbelief at the high expectations placed on school children today and lament the outrageous prices of curtains. Oh, how times have changed! We no longer dream about the latest Converse sneakers or trendy backpacks; instead, our wish list includes air fryers, vacuums, and dumbbells.
We’ve shifted from reading Khaled Hosseini’s beautifully written novels to exploring books on narcissism, trauma, and healing (if we ever get the time to do that anyway ). Whereas we used to ignore politics, we now find ourselves tweeting and retweeting about how the system and government have failed us. It’s astonishing how practical and logical we’ve become!
Weekends? Oh, they now consist of barricading myself inside the house like a hermit from dusk till dawn, only to emerge for Monday’s inevitable grind. And here I thought I was an introvert! There’s a whole new level, my friends, where you avoid talking to anyone, loud noises are such a pet peeve and you realise that proving your good intentions during arguments isn’t worth the energy anymore.
Some days, I catch myself sending out Friday forwards, and suddenly it dawns on me: Am I this close to sending the obligatory “Good Morning” gifs and duas filled with flowers and birds chirping? All this because starting a conversation feels like trying to jump-start a dead car battery. Sleep has become my sole desire, a comforting escape from daily chaos. The only times we go out are for sad funerals or happy weddings, which are the rare moments we step away from our routines to connect with others.
Remember when I used to be fun? Sharing memes on my WhatsApp status like my life depended on it? Well now we have the ugly reality of wars and oppression and violence right on our faces which makes me question: was it always like this or were we just totally oblivious? My God! Did they actually mean it when they (the older generation) kept saying, ‘Kupumzika ni kaburini?!’
However, if there’s anything, adulting really humbles you. You truly get to appreciate life for what it is. The back and knee pains remind you of the blessing of health. The little moments you get to spend with friends make you value them more. You learn the importance of choosing your battles because you realize how precious your time and energy is. You start appreciating homemade food more because you understand it’s not just food; it’s love in a Tupperware container plus, money is saved! (our parents were right aye?! ) Most importantly we get to extend a little (a lot) more grace to our parents. We understand them better now. We understand how much they endured to make us what we are today. We understand how much they sacrificed. How much they TRIED. We understand that they don’t have much time anymore and every single day, every single moment with them is a gift and a blessing.
For most of us millennials, this journey through adulthood is like a wild roller coaster with no safety bar. We’ve hopped between worlds—playing outside until dusk and then watching kids who have never known a life without screens. We’ve seen the highs and the lows, and yet, here we stand. With a bit of a prayer for serene days, wiser decisions, and an abundance of consciousness, let’s raise a metaphorical toast to the new adults navigating this exhilarating circus we call life! Cheers!
Inspired by KonoozTube (on YouTube)
In our perception of wealth, we’ve traditionally categorized people into three main groups: the poor, the middle class, and the rich. However, the reality of wealth distribution is much more intricate than these broad categories suggest. Within the category of the poor, there are various levels of economic hardship. Some individuals are homeless, those who can afford to rent a house but lack stable employment, and others who are employed but struggle to afford even a single meal. Similarly, wealth extends beyond the rich category, encompassing levels such as millionaires, billionaires, and the extremely affluent. When considering how to assist those in need, it’s important to recognize the complexity of people’s circumstances and the multitude of factors that influence their financial well-being.
Often, we overlook certain individuals when extending generosity, particularly those who seem financially stable. Even when we are aware of their circumstances, we may still determine that they are undeserving of help. These are the individuals in the class between being in poverty and the middle class. They may have jobs, and sometimes they even have homes, but they struggle to make ends meet. And even these people have levels- We have those working in low-paying jobs such as housemaids, street vendors, security guards, and bodaboda. Then there are teachers, religious teachers, secretaries, and others. This hierarchy continues up the ranks. Although everyone has the freedom to choose where their donations go, it’s unfortunate how we sometimes label others as undeserving.
One makes the decision to send a delivery of donations to an orphanage, which is a very noble act. However, they attempt to negotiate the delivery charges, (especially when they can afford it) even though they know it will be unprofitable for the delivery guy. Another person decides to renovate a mosque but pays the workers less than they deserve. Someone creates an education fund to help others, yet their own relative struggles to afford their child’s schooling.
Why do we choose not to help our neighbors because they have a car, even though we know they struggle with chronic illnesses that drain their finances? Why do we refuse to assist our relatives simply because they own a house, without considering that the house might have been inherited? Why do we procrastinate on paying the workers who are digging the charity boreholes we are donating? And why do we run the largest charity organization but still underpay our employees? What motivates these actions?
Let’s not assume that everyone is comfortable in their lives. Life is unpredictable and not just black and white. For example, you might be giving all your charity to an orphan who already has other donors or has a wealthy grandfather taking care of them, while overlooking your housemaid who can’t afford treatment for a long-term illness. You might also donate frequently to a mosque without realizing that the teachers working there can barely afford a meal. Additionally, you might focus all your charity efforts on the poor on the streets, while forgetting those who are heavily in debt due to their inability to make ends meet, not because of a luxurious lifestyle.
You might know a manager who owns a car and think they have their lives in order, but perhaps they are the sole breadwinner for ten other siblings or relatives. You might know someone’s income, but you don’t really know their responsibilities. Some people have constant hospital/medical bills, many dependents, and are responsible for educating their younger ones. Some have professional achievements but don’t have stable jobs. I know of a PhD holder, a part-time lecturer who shared her story of how she’d have to sell snacks to be able to acquire fare to go teach her classes (as a PhD student!). Who would’ve ever thought?
The main point is to be kind whenever possible without making assumptions about someone’s financial situation. It’s also a reminder to be thoughtful and considerate when offering help. Your landlord may seem well-off because he/she owns houses, but if you’re aware that they are struggling with debt or medical bills, they may still be in need of assistance. In fact, some people we overlook may be eligible for zakatul maal.
It is for this reason that Allah subhanahu wataala categorized for us the recipients of zakat as follows:The poor (al-fuqarâ’), meaning low-income or indigent.The needy (al-masâkîn), meaning someone who is in difficulty.Zakat administrators.Those whose hearts are to be reconciled, meaning new Muslims and friends of the Muslim community.Those in bondage (slaves and captives).The debt-ridden.In the cause of God.The wayfarer, meaning those who are stranded or traveling with few resources.If we carefully examine this list, we will notice that most of us give charity to the poor, but we often forget about the masakin, the reverts, the indebted, and many others.
Let’s reflect on this verse from Suratul Kahf which says, “As for the ship, it belonged to some poor people, working at sea….” Today, if someone owned a ship and worked on it, would we even consider them as poor people who may need our help?Of course none of us knows what the weightier charity is, and no one can or should force us to redirect our money for charity. Ultimately, it is Allah who grants the reward and no one else. However, here is a gentle reminder to extend our generosity to those we don’t normally consider, even if it is by simply paying a worker a good pay. They too are working hard and deserve help.
When it comes to helping those in need, there are numerous ways to offer kindness and support. It’s not only about providing direct donations. We can also show our support indirectly by giving thoughtful gifts, especially during significant occasions like Ramadan, Eid, and weddings. Additionally, we can assist by purchasing necessary medicines for those who are unwell, taking some home ration when visiting them, and forgiving debts owed to us. Furthermore, making regular purchases from their businesses can contribute to their success and make a positive difference.
Let’s challenge traditional thinking, treat others with more understanding and insight, and recognize that life is multifaceted and complex. In everything we do, let’s strive for exceptional generosity and kindness.
The world of influencers is undeniably attractive – highly desired, admired, and full of potential opportunities. Their lives seem exciting in a way that many of us could only wish for. But do we take a moment to realize that a human being is behind the screen? A figure crafted from earthy clay, much like yourself – imperfect and flawed, facing struggles beyond our comprehension, and prone to making errors just like any other individual. So why do we elevate their importance to the extent of losing sight of what is right or wrong? Why do we seek to imitate their actions, clothing, and lifestyle in a desperate attempt to be like them, even resorting to wrongdoing, falsehood, harassment, and belittling others?
In Suratul Baqarah, Allah Subhanahu Wataala tells us, “˹Consider the Day˺ when those who misled others will disown their followers when they face torment, and the bonds that united them will be cut off. The ˹misled˺ followers will cry, ‘If only we could have a second chance, we would disown them as they disowned us.’ And so Allah will make them remorseful of their misdeeds, and they will never ˹be able to˺ leave the Fire.” While the initial verses describe the polytheists, they very much apply to the popular influencer culture we have now.
We should not expect that an influencer we blindly followed will stand up for us on the Day of Judgement. We followed them by our own will and dubbed them as influencers. So, when we see an influencer publicly revealing their sins and decide to follow suit, we should remember that we signed up for it ourselves. While influencers will be held accountable for promoting evil, they will never be asked about why others chose to follow their opinions and lifestyle.
Often, when influencers display their human side and imperfections after being seen as role models, people strongly react, blaming them for not portraying reality and feeling let down by their actions. However, the real question is, why do we feel the need to idolize fellow human beings and blindly imitate them, getting drawn to their carefully constructed lives and treating them like demigods? What drives us to want to copy their way of living?
We tend to romanticize fame and popularity without thinking about the reality of life and the long-term effects of our choices. Understandably, some individuals do not choose to be in these positions but rather, their roles in the community or workforce force them into the spotlight. Nevertheless, the responsibility and accountability still rest with them.
Some may not even realize the weight they bear on their shoulders. Even if the influencers themselves don’t ask others to follow them, they should be aware of the power they have and use it wisely. The ripple effect of one’s actions can lead to the accumulation of negative consequences in this life and sins on the Day of Judgement. This is a burden no one should bear willingly. It’s important for individuals to be mindful of the impact they have on others and to consider the potential impact of their actions on a larger scale.
Indeed, there are some people who aspire to become famous for positive reasons, but this pursuit often comes with significant dangers that are often overlooked. Some of us seek to gain as many followers as our idols, often comparing our lives to theirs and aspiring to become influencers ourselves. However, the sobering reality is that no one can guarantee that they will always be a positive influence on others. Likewise, none of us is immune to being led astray or experiencing negative outcomes. What we can do is be mindful, intentional, and wise to the best of our ability, and pray for guidance and strength in our faith.
Here’s a gentle reminder dear reader. Whether you’re an influencer or someone who’s influenced, it’s important to be mindful of your words, actions, and claims. Be intentional about what you share and consider the digital footprint you want to leave behind. Most importantly, be cautious about what you consume online and whom you consider your role model. The social media hype of individuals, trends, materials, and lifestyle can be more detrimental than you think.
As we navigate these unprecedented times of social media influence, let’s remember these wise words from Abdullah ibn Mas‘ood (may Allah be pleased with him): ‘Whoever wants to follow a path, let him follow the path of one who has died, for the living are not safe from fitnah.’ I mean the Companions of Muhammad (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him). They were the best of this ummah: the purest in heart, the deepest in knowledge, and the most straightforward. Allah chose them to accompany His Prophet and establish His religion, so recognize their status and follow in their footsteps. Adhere as much as you can to their example of conduct and attitude, for they followed true guidance.’
My younger sister studied Islamic Finance and thus did a unit on wealth management, a subject that she’s deeply passionate about. So a couple of months back, I noticed that whenever she’d be contemplating to buy something she’d say to herself, ‘أو كلما اشتهيت اشتريت’ (Is it that whenever you desire something, you buy it?) or when we’d be walking in the market or just the street and notice something we like, but cannot really afford it at the time, she’d say the same. I later came to find out that this words were actually from Umar ibn Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him.
عن جابر بن عبدالله رضي الله عنه أنه قال: رأى عمر بن الخطاب لحمًا معلقًا في يديّ فقال: ماهذا يا جابر؟ قلت اشتهيت لحمًا فاشتريته، فقال عمر: أو كلما اشتهيت اشتريت ياجابر، أما تخاف هذه الآية ( أَذْهَبْتُمْ طَيِّبَاتِكُمْ فِي حَيَاتِكُمُ الدُّنْيَا) سورة الأحقاف آية (20).” (https://al-maktaba.org/book/31621/62202#p3)
On the authority of Jaber bin Abdullah, may God be pleased with him, he said: Omar bin Al-Khattab saw meat hanging in my hands and said: What is this, Jabir? I said, I craved meat, so I bought it. Omar said: Is it that whenever you desire something, you buy it?, O Jabir. Do you not fear this verse (You have exhausted your share of the bounties in the life of the world…)?!” Surah Al-Ahqaf, verse (20)
The point Umar may Allah be pleased with him was trying to make, wasn’t to prohibit him from eating meat but rather to remind him of the moderation that is required in Islam. To make him distinguish between a want and a need. And so I’ve been pondering about this phrase that has become a favourite phrase between my sister and I.
In a world of instant gratification, where everything is a phone call away, or a tap away, materialism and consumerism has become so common. Every app you open, there is a new trendy item, a new top-notch vacation location, a new exciting trip… We go crazy over Black Friday, Clearance sale and Offers, wanting everything we come across, wanting to experience all the cool experiences. It is so easy for any of us to be lured and enticed into spending, sometimes on things we don’t even use or will take ages before we ever need them.
Now, the goal here isn’t that people shouldn’t enjoy life or spend on what they love. But rather, being mindful and moderate in our spending and consumption. Indeed it is Allah Subhanahu Wataala who said in Surat Qasas, verse 77, “…Seek the ˹reward˺ of the Hereafter by means of what Allah has granted you, without forgetting your share of this world.”
Imam Malik (may Allah have mercy on him) was asked about this verse, and he said: It means living, eating and drinking without imposing unnecessary restrictions on oneself.”(Al-Muntaqa 4/302). This view is supported by the words that precede these: { But seek, through that which Allah has given you, the home of the Hereafter} [al-Qasas 28:77]. In other words: use what Allah has given you of this abundant wealth and blessings to obey your Lord and seek to draw close to Him by doing different acts of worship and righteous deeds, through which you may attain reward in the hereafter, yet at the same time do not forget your share of this world. So We do not instruct you to give all your wealth in charity and leave yourself destitute; rather spend for your hereafter and enjoy your life in this world in such a way that will not harm your faith or your hereafter.” See: Tafsir at-Tabari (19/625); Tafsir Ibn Kathir (6/253); Zad al-Masir (6/241); Tafsir as-Sa‘di (p. 623).
Allah in Qur’an says: “And let not your hand be tied (like a miser) to your neck, nor stretch it forth to its utmost reach (like a spendthrift), so that you become blameworthy and in severe poverty” (Al-Qur’an, Al-Isra: 29). Also in a Hadith, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: “Spend according to your means; and do not hoard, for Allah will withhold from you.” (Al-Muslim, Book of Zakah, Vol 3, Hadith No. 2378).
Islam requires us to have restraint and discipline when it comes to our desires. It is thus important to always think whenever we want to purchase something, whether materials or food or even an experience. Is it a need or a want? Is there something else that is a bigger priority? Can I do without it? For example, many of us have piles and piles of clothes, gathering dust in our wardrobes, yet we rush for shopping sprees even when it is unnecessary.
In a world that promotes wastefulness and extravagance, in a world of ‘You Only Live Once’, ‘Shop Till You Drop’ and ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’, let us strive to be among those who embrace minimalism. Let us borrow from the simple and humble lifestyle of our prophet peace be upon him by being content, utilizing our resources wisely and living within our means. We have so many people, both young and old, who nowadays go deep in debts to live a lifestyle that they cannot even afford. And sometimes, this is fueled by watching, admiring or even envying what we see on social media or around us, forgetting it is a curated lifestyle. The Prophet said, “Contentment is a treasure that is never exhausted.” And in another hadith he said, “Wealth is not in having many possessions, but rather (true) wealth is feeling sufficiency in the soul.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 6446)
There is a tradition my sister learnt from our elder cousin (Allah Ybarik) where whenever she’d buy something, she’d give out one of her pre-owned items. So if she buys a new abaya, she gives out one (or more) of her previous ones (still in a good state) to close family members or anyone deserving. If she buys a pair of shoes, she gives out another. This is to avoid hoarding, encourage charity and ensure mindfulness in spending and consuming. I thus share this tradition with you all with the hope that you’ll also embrace it and pass it to your loved ones too. The prophet peace be upon him said, “He who introduced some good practice in Islam which was followed after him (by people) he would be assured of reward like one who followed it, without their rewards being diminished in any respect…” (Sahih Muslim 1017e)
With Eidul Hajj fast approaching here is a reminder to be mindful in your spending and eating. I know they’ll be plenty of meat for some families, yet let us remember, moderation, moderation, moderation. Let us avoid extravagance. Let us not obsess over what we lack, comparing ourselves to others. Remember that everyone is missing something they yearn for. So let us focus on what Allah has blessed us with instead, be grateful and content with what we already have.
And whenever you’re about to buy something unnecessary, remember the words of Umar may Allah be pleased with him,
“!أو كلما اشتهيت اشتريت”
***
The Day of Arafah, the Day for Duas is around the corner. I hope you have your list all the things and matters you wish for from Allah, however impossible it may seem. Please do remember me and my family in your duas. May Allah accept from us, forgive us, guide us and comfort our souls with answered duas, ameen. Have a blessed time and a lovely Eid good people
Late last year, one of my biggest fears came true. It was something I had been worrying about for years. I had thought about how it would happen, how it would emotionally devastate me, and how lost I would feel. I had discussed it with my closest friends, my therapist, and anyone who would listen. It was an unhealthy obsession with the future, already planning my survival strategy in case this specific thing happened. I cried often about it. In some ways, it felt like I was bargaining with fate, begging even; ‘I really don’t want this to happen, it’s going to hurt so bad. Please have mercy on me.’ But as my therapist would say, that is my anxiety trying to control things beyond me.
In hindsight, it is true. I was constantly trying to control the situation. I was always strategizing; “If only I do the right things, if only I say the right words, if only I am a good human, a good friend, good this, good that, then maybe I can prevent the hurtful things from happening, right?” For over a decade, I tormented myself with this fear, only to find that in the end, it happened exactly as I had feared. It was a painful, devastating, and alarming loss. Not because I possess some superhuman ability to predict the future, but simply because it was meant to happen.
As human beings, we often place all our self-worth and happiness on something or someone we hold dear, an illusioned idea of wealth, a lifestyle, or a job we love. However, as we grow older, we realize how helpless we truly are. Things change, people change, and life can take a sudden turn. Even so, we cannot really blame fate, life, or people for being what they are. The dunya wasn’t meant to be a place of bliss, so disappointments, losses, and heartbreaks are meant to happen, whether we want it or not.
This reminds me of the deeply relatable book, ‘Reclaim Your Heart’ by Yasmin Mogahed where she said, “We can’t blame the laws of physics when a twig snaps because we leaned on it for support.
The twig was never created to carry us.
Our weight was only meant to be carried by God.”
Pause. Think about it. ‘The twig was never created to carry us. Our weight was only meant to be carried by God.’ Subhanallah. How many of us have attached all of our hopes and dreams to other human beings or material stuff or an idea?
Yasmin Mogahed went on to say: “We are told in the Quran: “…whoever rejects evil and believes in God hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold that never breaks. And God hears and knows all things.” (Qur’an, 2: 256). There is a crucial lesson in this verse: that there is only one hand-hold that never breaks. There is only one place where we can lay our dependencies. There is only one relationship that should define our self-worth and only one source from which to seek our ultimate happiness, fulfillment, and security. That place is God.”
As I struggled through this painful experience, I had the brutal realization that I was not in control. I am just a fragile human being who cannot change my life according to my desires/expectations. Maybe it is the arrogance of my heart to think that I am entitled to get such and such a thing because I’ve strived to be a good human being always. It was like that necessary slap on the face of being put in your place. A reminder of who is the Most Powerful.
As harsh as that sounds, I saw Allah’s mercy on me through it all. Immediately after this particular loss, I got a series of very demanding works. I was so absorbed, so exhausted, so overwhelmed, that I barely had time to think. And even on the much painful days when I’d cry myself to sleep, or had constant dreams about it, I’d always notice Allah’s compassion towards me.
I remember one particularly hard morning, a friend texted me quite early and gave a very beautiful review of my book ‘The Striving Soul’. She used such kind words to describe me and my work that it brought tears to my eyes. A couple of hours later, another dear friend sent a very random message to our group, thanking me for being who I am, and for inspiring them, etc, then other members of the group decided it was the time for me to receive my flowers and kept on praising me. Then AGAIN, another couple of hours later, a writer I know, texted me about how he randomly bought an anthology but he didn’t know I was one of the writers. He explained to me how he had lost his long-time wife recently and it had been so difficult to do anything, even reading. But when he saw my name he immediately read my story and it touched him so much it teared him up. He was just glad he was able to read again.
Subhanallah. I spent that whole day noticing the ‘seemingly small’ gestures of kindness from several people in my life. And I was so moved by Allah’s mercy towards me. It honestly felt like a warm embrace from God. Like a reassurance that despite this hard-learned lesson, He was there with me. Like a tag to the heart to say, ‘Unlike what you thought, you are still alive, aren’t you?’ That everything will be okay. That this too shall pass. All this, not because I am faultless, perfect, or deserving of His kindness. But because He is who He is.
Even more than that, it made me think of the many other circumstances that I so desperately feared in the past; many did not happen, and for the ones that I did, I still found the strength to persevere. Even when I did not think I could. It reminds me of the ayah, “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.” (Qur’an 2:286) Indeed, Allah is the Most Knowing. He only tested us with whatever he tested us with because HE KNEW we can endure it. It will not be a test if it won’t be painful. So the pain is inevitable. But the strength to go through it all? Allah will give you that, and more…
Suddenly you’ll notice kind strangers doing random acts of kindness for you. Suddenly, the work you dread so much becomes a tiny bit easier. Suddenly, good people seek your friendship. Suddenly, you get a random win. Suddenly, you acquire some money you did not expect. Suddenly, a long-lost friend sends you a gift. Suddenly, someone unexpectedly offers you support with something that’s been troubling you. Suddenly, suddenly, suddenly…but is it really a coincidence? By Allah, it is not. This is Allah Subhanahu Wataala. He gives you one heavy test but grants you ease and comfort through many other ways, and sometimes, different aspects of your life.
I remember sometime last year, a young lady randomly texted me on Instagram. She had come across my poems on grief and they had brought her to tears. We chit-chatted a bit on loss and the pain of grief and that was it. But somehow, we went on talking a little more before she confided in me that her fiancé had recently passed away, just three months before their wedding. I couldn’t even start to fathom how devastating that must have been for her. We talked a bit about it, and then a couple of days later, she started reading my book ‘Reflection and Resurgence.’
Now for whoever has read this book, you know that it has several different Islamic themes on faith, repentance, love, hope, patience, etc. Even though the book does have a few passages that could move a grieving person, it is quite a general spiritual book. However, after reading the book, she wrote me a long message and part of it said, “I just finished reading your book today. It is exactly one month since the death of my fiancé. Alhamdulilah, it is the first time since then that I can confidently say that I feel peace alhamdulilah, I literally feel happy…..Actually, I felt like I was meant to read this book. I feel like you wrote this book for me Subhanallah. Like every page in this book was like aiming me. Alhamdulilah, alhamdulilah….”
Subhanallah. I think of how Allah set us up to cross paths at the exact moment when she was deep in grief and to eventually read my book that to a small extent, eased her pain. It is not a coincidence. Not because my work is brilliant or anything like that, but only because Allah knew that the reminders I had kept therein were meant to grant her some comfort at that particular time. And I think of how often Allah showers us with His mercy through other human beings or other events, yet we don’t notice. Indeed Allah is with us, even when we are in the darkest pits of hell on earth.
As painful as this experience has been and still is, I have truly learned to accept that ‘We plan and Allah Plans, and He is the Best of Planners.’ That however much we try to make things go our way, they can never do so except by His permission. That this dunya and all that is in it is temporary. That He’ll ONLY test you with what you can bear. That Allah is Kind, He is always very, very kind and merciful towards us, we just need to see it to be grateful.
Most importantly, I quote this powerful quote I came across recently, “Do not borrow grief from the future.” And oufffff! I’ve thought about this a lot. (I think I need this plastered on my wall!) I have borrowed grief time and time again, yet when the said ‘feared future’ arrived, I still had to go through that pain. Totally pointless. Do not recommend
In the end, everything is going to work out exactly how it is meant to. Another day to remind myself and you, beloved reader to ‘Let Go and Let God.’
Allah Subhanahu Wataala did not lie when He said:
“The example of those who spend their wealth in the cause of Allah is that of a grain that sprouts into seven ears, each bearing one hundred grains. And Allah multiplies the reward even more to whoever He wills. For Allah is All-Bountiful, All-Knowing.” (Suratul Baqarah, Verse 261)
I recently came across the story of Hamza, a 56-year-old man who was jailed at the age of 16 after accidentally firing a gun which led to the death of his loved one. While in jail, he became a devout Muslim and had been pleading for parole for years. Forty years later, Hamza is finally going to be released at the end of March in shaa Allah. But here’s how one act of kindness has changed his life entirely.
Hamza was working as a janitor at the prison which earned him 13 cents per hour only. Yet what he got from the 136 hours of tough labour, a total of 17$, Hamza donated all to Gaza.
Justin Mashouf, a filmmaker who was in correspondence with Hamza, shared his story on X (Twitter). Touched by this noble act of kindness, his story quickly went viral and Justin created a gofundme campaign to empower Hamza to transition back into society with dignity and security after years of imprisonment. A total of USD 102,187 was raised until Hamza requested that it be suspended (after thanking all the donors of course). Instead, he requested the donors to consider helping the suffering children, mothers and fathers of Palestine, Yemen, and Africa living under inhuman conditions.
When I first saw the fundraising, the goal was 40,000 USD. This was more than double that. Subhanallah!
Allah Subhanahu Wataala tells us in Suratul Baqarah, Verse 265:
“And the example of those who donate their wealth, seeking Allah’s pleasure and believing the reward is certain, is that of a garden on a fertile hill: when heavy rain falls, it yields up twice its normal produce. If no heavy rain falls, a drizzle is sufficient. And Allah is All-Seeing of what you do.”
Isn’t it mind-blowing that Allah Subhanahu Wataala inspired Hamza to do this act, a mere weeks before his release (in shaa Allah)? Can you imagine what kind of worries Hamza might have had (or not) about going back into the world after 40 years?! A different name, a different religion, a totally different era, jobless, homeless, with no money. Yet the heaviest of all is the concern of whether the community would embrace him upon his release. And subhanallah, just like the best of planners Allah is, He brought a way in which Hamza got all he could ask for, at least in terms of livelihood and community, at the eleventh hour!
Someone once told me of a time when he gave a guard lunch money, it was very random, and that same day, someone he had been referring clients to, randomly tipped him ten times what he gave the guard. Literally ten times! Mind you, this had never happened before and was quite unexpected. And he told me something that really struck me. He said, ‘I pity those who don’t believe in Allah.’ And I thought, yeah! What a great loss to not know, see and feel God’s love and mercy and kindness?!
I’ll never stop preaching about charity because I have read, watched and witnessed the miracles of giving. I have seen how much Allah can give and give and give. And the stories are too many to count.
We are just a few days to Ramadhan and many people are planning menus, festivities and early Eid shopping. Let us dare be different by planning for more ibadah and charity, charity, charity!
Times have been increasingly tough, not just in our country, but in the entire globe. But that should never limit us from giving because you know what? We have a very generous Lord, and what you give, especially when it is difficult for you to do so, will never go unrewarded. Charity does not make you poor, it elevates you more than you can imagine.
The prophet peace be upon him said: “Charity does not decrease wealth, no one forgives another except that Allah increases his honour, and no one humbles himself for the sake of Allah except that Allah raises his status.” (Sahih Muslim 2588)
Let us have our intentions set, ready for Ramadhan, and let us put in effort to make it a more productive one than it ever was.
May we all live to experience the holy month and may we be among those whose lives will transform for the better, ameen. Ramadhan Mubarak good people! Please do remember me and my family in your duas
That said, here is a charity opportunity you can begin with:
Hamza’s story source: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-a-generous-soul-reenter-society-from-prison